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Original poster

DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

204 replies

Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:21

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Lavanderrose · 28/01/2021 20:10

I’m really sorry to hear what your going through Flowers

PragmaticWench · 28/01/2021 20:13

OP, has your DH made clear what he would like in future in regard to any contact between your children and his parents? It might help you to know for certain if he wishes his parents not to be allowed to see your children, so that it isn't a decision you have to make alone.

Lovemusic33 · 28/01/2021 20:16

So sorry your going through this. It must be hard to know what to do in this situation. I think it’s best to do as your dh wishes because if you did tell them he wouldn’t want them suddenly turning up and pretending that they care? Death does this to people doesn’t it? People suddenly come out of the woodwork when they know your dying and they make out they care, I can see why your dh wouldn’t want this. Things may change as your dh gets more poorly, he may change his mind but if he doesn’t I think you should respect that. Maybe explain to him that you don’t want to deal with the fall out after and having to tell them when he has passed? Maybe he will agree to you contacting them nearer the time?

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 20:17

Of course you should tell them. They may be able to resolve whatever issue it is. They obviously still care if they are sending cards etc.
It is their son. Imagine if your child was dying and you never resolved the issue.

They send cards so they can't be accused of not sending cards IMO.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 28/01/2021 20:18

Oh FGS, it's not an episode of Long Lost Family where it will be all tears and hugs and lovey-dovey.
OP's DH has been abused and hurt by these people for a long time. He does not want to see them, and he should not even have to discuss it again and waste his emotional energy on this sore topic.
He is entitled to arrange his final days as he sees fit (and I very much hope you have more than 'days') and not have these people he is estranged from forced upon him when HE DOES NOT WANT THEM.
So they won't get closure? Should have thought of that before being abusive for decades. Tough shit.
Warm hugs to you, OP.

lyralalala · 28/01/2021 20:22

@Nopreservatives How old are your children now?

Are they old enough for your DH to explain his decision to them? If not it might be an idea, if he's up to it, for him to write a little something explaining his decision to them. Just so that they have his word that it was his choice and that it was because of their behaviour.

It took my children quite a while to understand my decision to be NC with my family. They have decent parents and kind siblings, and they have lovely GP's on the other side, so they found it strange for me to be so harsh. Once they were old enough to really grasp it, and to heard the adult age appropriate version (as opposed to the child age appropriate 'not very nice people') they got it.

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 20:24

Thank you @butterfly990 I shall investigate.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 28/01/2021 20:26

We didn't tell my first husband's estranged dad, it was DH's wish. DH's brother contacted him 6 months after and made sure me and his mum didn't have to deal with him at all.

I'm so sorry you are going through this Thanks

BangingOn · 28/01/2021 20:27

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and have to deal with this dilemma on top of everything else.

I would suggest putting his niece on a limited profile on Facebook so she can’t see everything that is posted. Then I would ask DH to write a letter to send after he had died so they understand it was his decision. If they know where you live I’d worry about them turning up and upsetting you and your DC whilst you are grieving.

1WayOrAnother2 · 28/01/2021 20:28

OP I'm really sorry that you are having to face any of this. Flowers

Does your DH want them told in the event of his death?
It is up to him really.

If you do tell them - they might well suffer grief. However, you will be a well-placed target for their distress and at a time when you have your own life and your children's lives to cope with.

Do not feel obliged to contact them.

Honeyroar · 28/01/2021 20:30

I think your DH should write a short letter saying that after all these years estranged he didn’t have the energy to see them while he was feeling so ill because he couldn’t cope with the stress. He should also say that this was 100% his decision and that his wife is not to be blamed in any way.

My mum is estranged from my brother. She was really ill a couple of years ago. While we were in A&E one night I asked whether I should tell my brother. She said she couldn’t cope with him there.

One of my best friends died last year. Her mother dumped her with her dad aged 10 and went off gallivanting. She’d pop up every seven years or so and be all woe is me that my friend wouldn’t welcome her back with open arms, then flounce off again “distraught” for another few years AWOL. When my friend knew she only had a short time to live she dithered over whether she should tell her mum. I said that this time was all about her and the people she loved. If she didn’t want the drama of her mum that was fine. Her mum has never put much thought towards my friend’s feelings so she didn’t need to worry about her mother’s. That we’d deal with her later if need be. My friend was also worried about her stepmum, who had been her rock throughout her illness, getting pushed out. She never told her mum. We were worried she’d make a big drama at the funeral, but as it happened her number had been disconnected so we couldn’t tell her about the funeral. Nobody cared.

TatianaBis · 28/01/2021 20:32

DH is dying - he doesn't have to deal with them, he doesn't have to write letters. It's all his choice.

OP will have a shitshow to deal with afterwards. But she can choose not to deal with that too.

SunshineCake · 28/01/2021 20:34

Utter bollocks @AlternativePerspective. Just because someone had a shit parent doesn't mean they will be a shit parent.

I will never speak to my parents again. Don't believe you deserve to know why. My children are very aware of my love for them and there is no reason to think they would drop me from their lives. I've been an excellent mum. Even without any role model in parenting.

Get a brain.

WeAreShiningStars · 28/01/2021 20:35

His choice. I think you should respect it.

Ugzbugz · 28/01/2021 20:35

I would be raging if someone told my so called father anything about me including my death. Respect his wishes.

People cant suddenly be bothered when someone is dead it's to late.

BooBahBoo · 28/01/2021 20:39

I’d say after the funeral. Your DH wouldn’t want them rocking up, crying hysterically and making it all about them.

Enjoy your time. Focus on your family and once things are less raw, then send a letter. That way you don’t need to deal with them berating you over the phone, etc.

Flowers
ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 28/01/2021 20:42

I think you need to go with what your husband wants, mostly as this is his time, and a bedside reconciliation would be entirely for his parents sake, and not for his.

If you tell them, they will not suddenly become people who they aren't; they won't suddenly apologise for their behaviour.

Of course they will be devastated, but go with what your DH wants as it's his relationship with them.

Also understand they may wish to latch onto your DCs as a link to your DH.

Flowers
Medievalist · 28/01/2021 20:43

t is their son. Imagine if your child was dying and you never resolved the issue.

I can't imagine that. More importantly I can't imagine falling out with my child and not seeing them for 20 years. I'd have moved heaven and earth to resolve differences and change my behaviour before I Iet that happen. Too late now. You can't wipe out 20 years of just not loving your child enough.

Housing101 · 28/01/2021 20:49

He has made the decision that he wants no contact with them. For what sounds like good reason.
It's up to him and only him.

Only tell them after his passing if he says he wants you too. Otherwise don't.

LIZS · 28/01/2021 20:52

Respect his choice. Maybe when he is further along he could pen a letter for you to post, so that you are not badgered should they find out.

C152 · 28/01/2021 20:53

I am sorry for the sad situation you are in. It can't be easy. I wouldn't tell his estranged parents anything at all - either now or after he dies.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/01/2021 20:53

Could he add to his will "It is my wish that my parents are not contacted regarding my illness or death due to our estrangement" so if they do find out (which they inevitably will) you can say "It was in his will that you not be told" and then they can see his will, as they go into the public domain, and see for themselves.

VettiyaIruken · 28/01/2021 21:03

Do what your husband wants.

PurpleMustang · 28/01/2021 21:07

Respect his wishes. You two have obviously spoken about this from different angles, if he would go if it was them, and he has made his decision. He is probably also trying to protect himself and you and the children from the drama that would ensue. Would they likely be then trying to contact him while in hospital. That is time and thought he obviously doesn't want to waste on them. It would be for their sake not his. And also would they likely try and contact you and emotionally blackmail you about the kids. Again it is time and thought when you have/will have a million other things to do. You are wasting precious time now on thinking of them. In case you don't know you can have someone's Facebook kept as like a in memory of so it doesn't get lost. Have you thought about maybe letter to the children at specific points. Birthday cards for few years, big birthdays. Could you order them online and get them into the hospital for him to write in. How about recording his voice for you and the kids. Unless you have videos, it would be good to have a recording. Take care

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/01/2021 21:12

I was nc with my dad.. i found out my dad had died 18 months after the event.. i am personally glad i wasn't told. I didn't want to see him.. However i am annoyed my dsis wasn't allowed to tell me after the event as i could have supported her

So yes respect his wishes to live the precious time as he wishes.

Once he has passed you will need to make the decisions that care right for you and your family.

Tough ti.e for you all.

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