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Original poster

DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

204 replies

Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:21

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 28/01/2021 21:17

His choice not yours

SunsetSenora · 28/01/2021 21:26

If he has specifically said not to tell them, then I dont see that you have any responsibility to do anything differently. Or that it is your responsibility to tell them at all actually. But it does put you in a horrible situation, at a time which is awful in any case. My heart goes out to you. If he has been clear he wants no contact, you dont have to do anything at the moment other than make the most of your remaining time together. In the future, you can take his wishes into account while you make the choice you feel is right for you. I do wish you the best, and send you all best wishes at this hard time. Take care.

SheldonesqueIsGieingItLaldy · 28/01/2021 21:26

I’m so very sorry about your husband. Flowers

Your loyalty is with your husband and his wishes.

Give him his peace as I think that will form part of finding yours when the time comes.

You are in an awful situation OP - but telling them might make it even more painful and difficult for your family.

Eekay · 28/01/2021 21:33

So very sorry you're going through this with your husband Flowers
Please try not to give any more energy to stressing about his parents.
It's not your responsibility. It's entirely your husbands choice and he's made it. And as your loyalty is to him, that's the end of the matter.
Circle the wagons and concentrate on him and the children.
What you do after he's gone is totally your up to you.
You'll then make your decisions based on your sanity and children's welfare.
Best of luck love, I do wish you strength.

Wallywobbles · 28/01/2021 21:41

Sort of been here. No one told the toxic party. It was absolutely the right choice. He ruined his dads funeral too.

Crookairroad · 28/01/2021 21:48

I am sorry OP. I have dealt with this myself and if I can give you any advice it would be to respect your husband’s wishes not to contact family in full.

I would however, strongly suggest that you speak with your DH about him writing a letter of wishes. If he is unable to write this himself, find someone to do it for him and have this witnessed by a third party. It can include anything your DH wishes but I would suggest instructions about his funeral or any other specific instructions he want to make clear to his estranged parents.

I am trying to word this as best I can OP. I hope I have. I was left to deal with estranged family members and it was horrific. I knew the wishes but they weren’t in writing. My post may not be relevant to you at all and I really hope it’s not relevant but perhaps something to think about to protect yourself. Protect yourself for the months ahead.

Ohhgreat · 28/01/2021 21:51

I would get DH to write a letter, which is then held by a solicitor until he dies, with instructions that when he passes (or after his funeral?) the letter is to be given to his parents. That way they know what his wishes were but you have no involvement in telling them.

Ella15 · 28/01/2021 21:52

@Nopreservatives I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's tough enough on you and your children without this complex dilemma. My estranged exp and father to my child died in mid 2000's and I didn't find out till 10 years later. It was my decision to step away from the relationship and start a new life with my child because he just didn't want to be a dad and was cruel and unreliable. However it's the most complicated awful grief when you realise you've been living your life and didn't even know someone you were once so close to hasn't been here for a long time. There's simply no closure. And not knowing for so long is so unsettling - I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Do whatever you need to do to keep them away while you focus on your immediate family but and simply my own view based on my experience, it would be kind not to leave it too long to tell them once he has passed. Wishing you strength.

chillied · 28/01/2021 22:02

I wouldn't ask DH to write them a letter - what sort of horrid task is that for him?!

Reading this it has occurred to me that my DH is nc with one of his parents. It simply would not occur to me to ever be in touch with them. I/we never give them a thought (so much so that it took me a long time to see the parallel). I would really OP, just not give them another thought...

Crookairroad · 28/01/2021 22:19

@chillied

I wouldn't ask DH to write them a letter - what sort of horrid task is that for him?!

Reading this it has occurred to me that my DH is nc with one of his parents. It simply would not occur to me to ever be in touch with them. I/we never give them a thought (so much so that it took me a long time to see the parallel). I would really OP, just not give them another thought...

All I can say is that you haven’t been on the receiving end of vicious family establishing that someone has died and what can happen. I can only give my experience and hope that it doesn’t happen to another soul. It does happen though. Death and in particular money can bring out despicable behaviour in people. If there is the slightest chance this could happen then a letter of wishes eases the conflict left for the surviving spouse to deal with.

It never crossed my mind when it happened to me, however if we had taken an hour to discuss what was something very difficult, life after for me would have been much easier when they found out.

MegaClutterSlut · 28/01/2021 23:32

I wouldn't tell them, I would do as dh has asked otherwise you could ruin the time you have left together and it could taint the memories. I'm sorry about your dh Flowers

LittleOverwhelmed · 29/01/2021 00:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Taikoo · 29/01/2021 00:51

Don't tell them.
Go NC after he passes on and and leave the pair of them to it.
You owe them nothing.

So sorry about your DH dying.

PegasusReturns · 29/01/2021 01:15

OP I’m so sorry about your husband.

Whilst not estranged I have a very fractious relationship with my parents so I understand how hard difficult families can be

Follow you DHs wishes.

Spend the time left together wisely: reminisce, enjoy each other’s company, let him know he’s loved. Don’t waste that valuable time with tasks he might find distressing, either talking or writing to his parents.

Fcuk38 · 29/01/2021 01:22

Honestly I’m a widow my husband died when he was 38. In your circumstance I wouldn’t do anything that was going to bring me or my family anymore triuble than required. My in laws were fucking nightmares when my husband was dying tried to claim I wasn’t the next of kin, tried to interfere with the doctors etc. Nightmare in laws in this situation I have since found is not uncommon!

So they know where you live? Do they have contact details? As if they don’t k is your whereabouts then in theory you could tell them now.’

Marchitectmummy · 29/01/2021 01:27

How old are your children OP? Is there any risk in the future your DH could be painted as the aggressor in this by his parents to your children? If they are old enough to understand now it's not a problem. I just wonder if there is a future scenario where your children question your decision now to not inform the parents?

AliceMcK · 29/01/2021 01:34

Don’t tell them if that’s what he wants. Ask him what he wants you to do afterwards. If it’s NC then respect his wishes and just ignore his parents , dose it really matter if they blame you, they are toxic and their opinion dosnt matter.

I say this as someone who has made the decision to have no contact with toxic family members. I don’t want them in my life ever again nor would I want them in my DCs lives if anything happened to me. I’d like to think my DH would respect that knowing what they have put me through.

1forAll74 · 29/01/2021 01:50

I ,am sorry that your Husband is poorly. But I would go along with your Husbands wishes regarding his parents situation. But sometimes,in a sad situation like you have,people have been known to come together when a person is very ill, and try and make amends for any wrong doings, and family strife. It doesn't always work out well though, as too late in the day kind of for some people.

IdblowJonSnow · 29/01/2021 01:56

I'd respect his wishes but ask him to write a letter so they know it was his wishes.
Sorry you're going through this. Flowers

SD1978 · 29/01/2021 02:15

His wishes supersedes their feelings- he is an adult and he made the decision that the current situation does not change how he feels, and he has that right. If you told them- sounds like he still wouldn't see them, and would cause you both stress as you'd not listened to what he wants. They have been estranged for 20years, he doesn't want to attempt a relationship with them now. I am sorry you are both in this situation. You could ask him to write a letter, but ultimately it's his choice. If he doesn't want to, you can obviously tell them after if that's what you want, but that then becomes your choice. I hope you both have the support you need in this x

user1471565182 · 29/01/2021 05:48

Death is a part of life, so if they have been out of his life for 20 years this has always been a massive possibility that they created. So dont tell them.

yetmorenamechanging · 29/01/2021 06:33

They send cards so they can't be accused of not sending cards IMO.

My "D"M does this too. And I'm sure she tells people she's sending them too.

OP do what he wants. And ask what he wants after his death. Like others have said, if he could write it - I'm not sure if he's able to - it could save you a lot of trouble later. I'm going to bet he doesn't want you to reestablish connection to "keep a connection" with his side of the family for example.

You also might benefit (long term, v difficult now) to discuss what he wants you to tell the kids about his side of the family.

Sorry you're in this situation. I'd sort out the above then have no more discussions about them and not let them steal any more of this horrifically precious time. Thanks

To people who think it's a shame, they should make up, parents deserve closure etc., no. Just no. But you're lucky if you don't understand why some people don't want to be around their parents under any circumstances. Very lucky.

opanon · 29/01/2021 06:57

I was in similar situation. However it was my father who was dying and NC with his parents. Fortunately he could just about talk through the pain, we were able to ask him if he wanted to see them. I will never forget how he said yes with such urgency and nodded. They came to the hospital , it was ok to be honest. They talked about him getting out and them taking him home . Unfortunately 2 days later he did pass away. I remember being fuming because one of them made a comment that they had lost him 20 years ago ( whilst crying that he had died ). It's so bloody messy when it's like this . I feel for you Thanks

Solasum · 29/01/2021 07:19

I am so sorry for your DH’s
Illness OP.

Worth bearing in mind that if they send cards at very milestone, those are likely to continue after DH’s death if they do not know about it. I think an endless trickle of cards addressed to him could be very upsetting. To avoid this I would send a factual ‘DH died after illness at X place on Y date’ through the post after the funeral, when you feel able to.

BringPizza · 29/01/2021 07:32

To people who think it's a shame, they should make up, parents deserve closure etc., no. Just no. But you're lucky if you don't understand why some people don't want to be around their parents under any circumstances. Very lucky.

This with bells on.

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