DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

[Nopreservatives]

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

My husband is NC with his family. We even moved house without telling them, changed numbers etc. I have wondered what I would do in your position and every time I realise that telling them would only help them. It would not be remotely helpful to my own family, who I wish to protect from them. So, I wouldn't tell them. Even after he is gone. We also don't expect to be told when his mum dies. They have no way of contacting us. That's fine with us. Self preservation is more important sometimes!

@yetmorenamechanging

They send cards so they can't be accused of not sending cards IMO.

My "D"M does this too. And I'm sure she tells people she's sending them too.

OP do what he wants. And ask what he wants after his death. Like others have said, if he could write it - I'm not sure if he's able to - it could save you a lot of trouble later. I'm going to bet he doesn't want you to reestablish connection to "keep a connection" with his side of the family for example.

You also might benefit (long term, v difficult now) to discuss what he wants you to tell the kids about his side of the family.

Sorry you're in this situation. I'd sort out the above then have no more discussions about them and not let them steal any more of this horrifically precious time.

To people who think it's a shame, they should make up, parents deserve closure etc., no. Just no. But you're lucky if you don't understand why some people don't want to be around their parents under any circumstances. Very lucky.

I 100% agree, unless you have been in this situation you can’t understand.

I do understand, honestly. And i don't think it will resolve anything. I just think it would be a compassionate thing to do for them and to not tell them would create problems for you and your children further down the line. Even if you don't allow a visit, just telling them so they can process it would be a kind act.

In fact I had a similar situation when I was seriously ill. I let my Dh tell them and they were awful to me. I should have let him tell them but not had any direct communication with them as it was very distressing at the time. You could tell them but say he is too unwell for direct contact.