DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

[Nopreservatives]

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

So basically they're abusive?

I'm really sorry about your husband and for what your family is going through.

While he is alive, you respect his wishes. You do not take control away from him and you do not invite toxic people back into his life.

Afterwards, I would continue to respect his wishes and still wouldn't tell them or invite them back into your life to pick up where they left off.

When you say you imagine they will be devastated - that is based on how you would feel as a non-abusive person. Don't be so sure that an abusive person would feel the same way. They are far more likely to just use his death to hurt and control you.

Do you see yourself and your DC having a relationship with them after your DH has gone? I think contacting them would lead them to believe this was the case and you would have a hard time shutting this down. I think you should respect your DH's wishes and remain NC (forever).

It's a shame that they can't be reconciled. They sound very difficult but nothing there that would make me feel they shouldn't know that their child had died.

Do they know he's ill?

This must be awful for you OP and at the end of the day you have to respect his wishes.

I feel awful for even considering it but there is still an outside possibility that Dh is named in their will. It's the sort of thing they'd do to "prove" they'd done the right thing. And I know it shouldn't but it has crossed my mind to wonder what action best protects my DC's interests.

Well they might leave something to your ds but nothing for you as i expect they'll be angry.

Sorry, do they know he's so ill?

@Frodont

It's a shame that they can't be reconciled. They sound very difficult but nothing there that would make me feel they shouldn't know that their child had died.

Do they know he's ill?

This must be awful for you OP and at the end of the day you have to respect his wishes.

Yes, that's what I said for years and why DH did reconcile every time, but actually in hindsight, I should have let him let them go much sooner. As individual incidents perhaps not too much, but on a regular and sustained basis, as PP said, abuse.

It's such a hard one. Would he go and see them if they were dying?
It's such a vulnerable time for your husband and his wishes are paramount. I guess my wish for him is that he could tell them /see them and not be upset by it. If you could allow it in some measured way with lots of support for your husband - don't leave him alone with them etc it might make your life afterwards a lot easier.
I think the best approach is to talk gently about your husband, and remind him they have absolutely no power over him or any of you.
I am estranged in similar circumstances but visited a difficult parent on their deathbed and would have let them visit me (in a controlled way) if the tables were turned. Their behaviour remained the same but I know I did my best and am at peace with it.
I am so sorry for everything you are going through x

I'd respect his wishes. I would not tell them unless in the months and years after the funeral they happened to make contact themselves and it became necessary.

You need to respect your dh’s wishes on this. I am no contact with my family. I couldn’t imagine something more hurtful than Dh going behind my back to stir things up in the final weeks of my life. I would want peace and to enjoy time with my family and not having angry, toxic people interfering. You have to suck it up and deal with the fallout if you must, but I would be guided by and respect my partner.

If they anything to the DC then they do, if they don't they don't. It may all get eaten in care homes anyway. If the DC don't want it they can give it to charity.

Don't even consider it.

@Frodont

Well they might leave something to your ds but nothing for you as i expect they'll be angry.

I don't for a minute expect them to leave me anything and I don't want anything. TBH even if we had a good relationship it would be unusual for DIL to be named for more than a keepsake in a will, surely? I've no idea if there's any money anyway.

The only way they would know he's ill is if (adult) niece has picked something up on FB and told them.

No don’t tell them anything - ever. In fact I’d remove myself from social media completely right now
it’s his wishes that count - he has made his decision
And afterwards your priority is your own and your children’s mental health

It sounds like his parents will only add to your grief-You won’t need anything else to deal with

I’m so sorry

I wouldn't contact them now or after. So sorry about your DH

@Nopreservatives
A chap I knew had Cancer young and refused all Chemo when it recurred.

He returned to the country of his Birth -USA- and I assumed it was to be with his parents.
He was in his 40’s.

He died, and on an online page about him, I saw a message from his Father.

Basically, my friend had ceased all contact with his parents.

Chap wrote a book, and mentioned his father in that, and judging by that, I assumed the relationship was ok.

Seems not.

The father was heartbroken.

He had no idea his son had died til then.

Son went by an alias.

I hope your dear partner can face seeing his parents, but it is up to him.

Not easy.

It's such a hard one. Would he go and see them if they were dying?

No, I don't think he would. We'd talked about how he'd feel if they died without reconciling and he was comfortable with that position.

I’m NC with my mum.

I would not want her to know if I was that I’ll. I’m very careful what I tell my nan as she tells her everything.
Id be pretty upset if I was in that position and someone went against my wishes.

Sorry about your DH
I’d say forget about it and try and enjoy the time you have left. X

@Heatherjayne1972

No don’t tell them anything - ever. In fact I’d remove myself from social media completely right now it’s his wishes that count - he has made his decision And afterwards your priority is your own and your children’s mental health

It sounds like his parents will only add to your grief-You won’t need anything else to deal with

I’m so sorry

He's in hospital atm and social media is important for him but I do wonder if it would be better to remove niece. I doubt she'd even notice. They don't have any contact, he's one of about 1000 friends she has.

No, you can't tell them before he goes. Absolutely not.

Your loyalty is only to him, frankly they don't even exist unless he says so.

My aunt had a sister who was very abusive and cut contact 20 years prior. But would send these crazy letters every now and then, and once every few years would turn up on the doorstep. A really unwell lady who walked around in a fog of drama upsetting everyone.

When my aunt was in the hospice, she had a terror of her sister finding out. And coming into the hospice and wailing and making a scene and making sure she was the centre of attention and sucking up all the oxygen. She didn't want us to have to deal with the crazy.

She also didn't want her sister to turn up at the funeral because the sister had form for making evert wedding and funeral and birthday about her and her grievances. She asked us to keep her off the notice in the newspaper.

In the end, the sister found out after the funeral from a neighbour who recognised the name in the newspaper. She was reportedly very angry but who cares? It's not like we ever saw her again.

It literally has never caused a problem for us. Maybe she spends all her time to this day bitching about us. Who cares? We don't know anyone she knows.

Most importantly, my aunt got a peaceful death and a peaceful funeral. That was literally her dying wish.

We did the right thing. You will do the right thing too.

It is exceedingly difficult being N/C and dying. I recently had this with my husband’s grandfather dying and husband’s mother refusing to tell us not just that he’d died but had been buried as well. If it weren’t for a family friend who thought it wrong we still wouldn’t know to this day.

I agree you shouldn’t go against your husband’s wishes but it is dreadfully cruel to never let them know. If your husband is too unwell or unwilling to write a letter absolving you of any blame, perhaps he would consider a short voice recording? This would also avoid any accusations of forging letters/signatures.

@Inaseagull

Do you see yourself and your DC having a relationship with them after your DH has gone? I think contacting them would lead them to believe this was the case and you would have a hard time shutting this down. I think you should respect your DH's wishes and remain NC (forever).

This. If you tell them, they may take this as an olive branch and attempt to resume contact. If DH is up to writing a letter, perhaps ask him to write one to be posted once he has passed away. That way, you are not inviting any contact.

If DN is on Facebook, are you able to post something on that. I know someone who did that recently. They had terminal cancer and had reached the stage where treatment wasn't working. They had largely kept their illness private. The FB message was very much a case of letting people know, but also asking to be left alone with family. I think it was very well done.

The one blessing with them being told now, is that they're not allowed to visit either him, in hospital, or me at home. I don't know how they'll be with the rules but at least I have a reason to refuse to see them and he's not allowed visitors in hospital until the last days.

I won't do it unless he says so though.

You have to respect his wishes.

I'm sorry that he's dying

You shouldn't go against his wishes and, personally, I think you should, if possible, wait until after your grieving period before getting in touch with them.

I'm so sorry, OP.

Firstly, I'm so sorry about your husband.

I'm estranged from my parents - like your husband, a lot of issues over the years, many of which I rationalised, until the scales started to drop and I realised I had to break the cycle. After a particularly hideous meeting, they used the silent treatment to try and bring me back in line ... only I found that it was like being released from prison.

I had an operation last year under general anaesthetic and I told my husband beforehand that I didn't want them to be told if anything went wrong and I died. Equally, I've thought long and hard about what happens if and when they die (they are both in their 70's) and come to the conclusion that I wouldn't go, either before they die or to the funeral. I'm comfortable with my decisions and my husband supports me fully.

If I were your husband I would want you to respect my wishes, although I fully appreciate that doing so may make life (even more) difficult for you afterwards.