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Original poster

DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

204 replies

Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:21

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

OP posts:
roseyrose2020 · 28/01/2021 19:39

Please please tell them.
Have they really done anything so bad that it can't be fixed? Once he's gone that's it. They will never ever be able to resolve these issues. It is unbelievably cruel to not tell them and they never getting that chance to say they love him, last kiss, last hug.
This might be his last way of getting back at them. But it's not the right way.
He will be angry with you but he will get over the anger.
From what it sounds like they haven't done anything massively wrong to warrant never getting to say goodbye to their son.
They will be forever scarred and never at peace if they don't get that final goodbye.

Aspiringmatriarch · 28/01/2021 19:40

I'm so sorry about your situation, how difficult. Is your DH still well enough to have a conversation about this? If so then I would want to make certain that he doesn't want them to know. Maybe a final letter could be a possibility. But you can't go against his wishes, that would be very unfair for him to have to deal with at the end of his life.

I do feel sorry for them though. They sound like toxic idiots, but not necessarily 'evil'. Obviously there could be many other incidents not mentioned. The most important thing is your DH's peace of mind though. I would tell them afterwards, either before or after the funeral. At that point it really depends on what you want - if them coming to the funeral would cause you more distress then don't tell them until afterwards, or if your DH feels strongly they shouldn't be there then again I would respect his wishes.

Massive sympathies OP, what an awful thing to be going through. Flowers

roseyrose2020 · 28/01/2021 19:40

[quote LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone]@roseyrose2020

You are projecting your own feelings about parent/child relationships. That's not right. The OP's husband has clearly stated his wishes. Who are you to recommend the OP goes against them?[/quote]
The OP came on here for advice. Who are you to say that my advice is wrong or right?

PanamaPattie · 28/01/2021 19:42

I'm sorry to hear your news about your DH. Posters that think you should reconcile have obviously never had to deal with toxic parents. I would not tell them now or ever. Without being insensitive - be wary of contacting them through guilt. This is what they thrive on. If they get their claws in, they won't let go and you will be too vulnerable to fight.

Cosyjimjamsforautumn · 28/01/2021 19:42

It's difficult but he knows them and its his life, and illness. Do respect his decision and ask his solicitor to notify them after the funeral. Flowers

LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 28/01/2021 19:43

@roseyrose2020

Because as I stated before, you're massively projecting.
For example He will be angry with you but he will get over the anger.

How the hell do you know that?

TwelvePaws · 28/01/2021 19:44

💐

You do exactly as your husband wants. Nothing more, nothing less.

Beagle26 · 28/01/2021 19:45

Please, please get your husband to write a letter. I lost my son when he was 24 and any parent (unless they are psychopathic!) would be broken, surely, if they did not even get a letter? They are, as you say, human too. He is their child and I always think that parents never stop loving their children. Even if the child stops loving them. They might be in the wrong, but it saddens me that they will lose a child, and be told nothing. Maybe I am being over emotional, but I expect they are not young and the silence could ruin the rest of their lives. I am so sorry about your DH.

Whydidimarryhim · 28/01/2021 19:46

You need to respect your husbands wishes. How dare they attend your wedding and not speak to you both. They are fuck wits and I would not tell them. Look how they behave!!! Not healthy and all about them.
I wouldn’t be seeing them once he’s passed. They will destroy you with their vitriol.
Protect yourself.
They have shown no remorse over the years.💐

iMatter · 28/01/2021 19:47

@TwelvePaws

💐

You do exactly as your husband wants. Nothing more, nothing less.

I agree with this

roseyrose2020 · 28/01/2021 19:47

[quote LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone]@roseyrose2020

Because as I stated before, you're massively projecting.
For example He will be angry with you but he will get over the anger.

How the hell do you know that?[/quote]
You are massively projecting as well. Please stop picking at my posts and stick to giving the OP advice

JemimaRacktool · 28/01/2021 19:48

Get him to write his wishes down and sign it. If they kick off afterwards does it really matter?

DH is estranged from all his family bar one cousin. He has written down that he doesn't want them told. I will wave that bit of paper at them if they come near me but hopefully they will stay in the swamp.

WorriedMillie · 28/01/2021 19:48

I haven’t read the whole thread, but might it be worth seeking some support from your local hospice to talk this through? Many of them have excellent counselling services

FWIW, I think it’s important to respect his wishes, but it does leave you with one heck of a responsibility to bear on your own, without support

MadeForThis · 28/01/2021 19:49

Respect your DH's wishes. Ask him if he wants to write a letter. It would give him one last chance to have his say without being challenged by them. He could explain the reasons for NC again and why they weren't contacted.

I would write to them or ask a family member to pass the message to them after the funeral. But be clear you still want no further contact.

As cruel and abusive as they have been it would be awful to find out their son had died in a casual conversation with someone perhaps months or years later.

roseyrose2020 · 28/01/2021 19:50

@Beagle26

Please, please get your husband to write a letter. I lost my son when he was 24 and any parent (unless they are psychopathic!) would be broken, surely, if they did not even get a letter? They are, as you say, human too. He is their child and I always think that parents never stop loving their children. Even if the child stops loving them. They might be in the wrong, but it saddens me that they will lose a child, and be told nothing. Maybe I am being over emotional, but I expect they are not young and the silence could ruin the rest of their lives. I am so sorry about your DH.
I agree with this. They will need some closure. Or maybe send an anonymous letter to them so they don't know it's come from you. It's just a really sad situation.
LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone · 28/01/2021 19:51

@roseyrose2020

stick to giving the OP advice

I have done thanks

Bourbonbiccy · 28/01/2021 19:51

As you know, your husband deserve the last days of life to be exactly how he wants them (where possible obviously)

I do think if he could write or record something for them though, more so they can't blame you and will need to accept the blame and repercussions of their actions.

They will be heartbroken through.

Fuckingcrustybread · 28/01/2021 19:51

@roseyrose2020

Please please tell them. Have they really done anything so bad that it can't be fixed? Once he's gone that's it. They will never ever be able to resolve these issues. It is unbelievably cruel to not tell them and they never getting that chance to say they love him, last kiss, last hug. This might be his last way of getting back at them. But it's not the right way. He will be angry with you but he will get over the anger. From what it sounds like they haven't done anything massively wrong to warrant never getting to say goodbye to their son. They will be forever scarred and never at peace if they don't get that final goodbye.
How do you suggest he"gets over" his anger, he'll be dead. You are another poster with zero empathy.
roseyrose2020 · 28/01/2021 19:53

[quote LookToTreblesGoingTreblesGone]@roseyrose2020

stick to giving the OP advice

I have done thanks[/quote]
👏 👏

VinylDetective · 28/01/2021 19:57

What a dreadful situation for you @Nopreservatives. As if the pain of losing your husband isn’t bad enough. If he’s adamant he doesn’t want them told your hands are tied, you really have no choice other than to comply with his wishes.

Afterwards is another matter and you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with. I think if you don’t tell them then you’ll find it very difficult to live with. I’d be constantly on edge, waiting for them to find out and wondering when the inevitable upset was going to land.

I think most parents would find the idea that one of their children was dead and they didn’t know quite unbearable. Only you can decide what to do about the funeral and time afterwards.

I wish you wisdom and feel for you. 💐

HettieMills · 28/01/2021 19:57

It's your dh's choice. And you wouldn't want them imposing if he asked you not to. I'd get him to write them a letter to spare you the trouble of it all afterwards. I'm sorry to hear about your DH btw Flowers

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/01/2021 19:58

They will need some closure.

I am also a bereaved parent and I'm still going to say that they don't matter in this situation. They are reaping the repercussions of how they treated him during his life. The op has stood by him, and supported him, and she is the one who matters here, as well as her dh, obviously.

It may seem harsh, but these are his wishes, they will have to live with what they did to make him go nc with them.

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 20:03

@Gilead

They won’t change. What they will see is an opportunity to get their grandchildren on side and to make a huge drama about losing their son. Stay away for the sake of your children and your sanity. Sorry you are having to cope with this. 💐
Yes this exactly what I think will happen.
OP posts:
QueenOfTheDoubleWide · 28/01/2021 20:07

Your husband's wishes are paramount while he is alive and, personally, if he doesn't want them to know, I wouldn't tell them until after the funeral so they have no chance to spoil it or make it about them

Lavanderrose · 28/01/2021 20:10

No I wouldn’t tell them & would respect my Dh wishes.