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Original poster

DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

204 replies

Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:21

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Dogsaresomucheasier · 28/01/2021 17:40

Are there any other relatives who are in contact with both of you who could tell them for you? Maybe when they offer to help that’s what you could ask them to do? They apparently know he has a wife and children?

I think your dh has every right to have his choice to go n/c respected.

I think you deserve to not not have to deal with their nonsense in the immediate aftermath of losing him.

I do think it would be considerate to plan a grave/memorial that is permanent/open to the public that they can visit afterwards if they feel a need.

unmarkedbythat · 28/01/2021 17:40

I wouldn't tell them now.

I would probably see to it that they were notified after, but exactly when would depend on things like whether they are likely to attempt to disrupt the funeral if informed before it. If I thought they were likely to try and turn up, phone repeatedly, upset me and my dc further, etc, I would leave telling them until I felt ready to deal with that. And I would tell them by letter.

I'm very, very sorry you're going through this Flowers.

PeterPandemic · 28/01/2021 17:40

My DM was NC with her family, and we didn't tell them until after the funeral as none of us wanted to deal with them on the day.

Despite being NC with them, she had dragged us all to her DF's funeral and it was bloody awful for all concerned.

converseandjeans · 28/01/2021 17:41

What have they fallen out about?

LaceyBetty · 28/01/2021 17:41

I would 100% respect my husband's wishes and not tell them. Sorry you are going though this.

marriednotdead · 28/01/2021 17:42

I'm sorry you're in such a painful situation @Nopreservatives Flowers

I'm sure your DH's reason for being NC is valid so I'd be reluctant to go against his wishes in the short term.
As TreacleHart said, if your DH is willing/able to write a letter to be given to them after his departure, then perhaps that would be a good compromise.

Raionsbyaeaarct · 28/01/2021 17:43

I'm estranged from my mum and it would be really stressful to have to deal with her with I was critically ill. She hasn't cared enough about me to make an effort throughout my life and would make my death 'all about her'. Given the length of the estrangement I would absolutely not tell them. You don't want to cause your DH anything else to think about at this difficult time. Their behaviour may be distressing for him. I would tell them after he's passed though. They may blame you but that wouldn't be rational as, presumably, your partner could contact them himself now?

saraclara · 28/01/2021 17:43

You have to respect his wishes. As a parent of adults I'd find it agonising of course, to find out too late. But it's his decision.

But if he's well enough to have the conversation, he really needs to understand the impact their reaction will have on you. And if possible he needs to find a way to mitigate that.

sugarcherry · 28/01/2021 17:44

Respect your DH's wishes. Take some time after he passes. You're under no obligation to tell them, but you may want to. Be kind to yourself, you have enough to cope with without looking after DH's parents too.
I truly wish you strength and peace.

SionnachRua · 28/01/2021 17:45

NC with a sibling here. Certainly don't tell them before. If DH wants to write a letter for them after that might be good - he can make it clear that it was his choice - but I don't think you necessarily need to tell them afterwards either. He's been long-term NC for a reason.

Having said that, if I was asked what I'd like my partner to do I'd probably say "I'll be dead, do what you want". So I think that has to weigh into it too, he'll be gone and while they can't hurt him they can hurt you.

RandomMess · 28/01/2021 17:46

Respect DH wishes, ask him to put those wishes in writing including they are not welcome at the funeral so you have physical evidence for when their lies to your DC start.

480Widdio · 28/01/2021 17:47

Respect your DH’s wishes,don’t tell them.

SmellyPooHead · 28/01/2021 17:49

I would respect my husband’s wishes and have nothing to do with them ever
What purpose would it serve ?
I’m sorry you are both going through this but I think your husband is right , he is trying to protect you and you children

Iwonder08 · 28/01/2021 17:50

OP, you must do what your husband wants, it is his decision

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:52

@converseandjeans

What have they fallen out about?
It's a very very long story, with many facets, but the main things were we could never get anything right e.g. they complained about not being "invited" to babysit or that my parents saw more of DC than they did, but if we did ask them it would be "we're only wanted when we're needed". I suspect his mother has some mental health issues, she certainly had too much time on her hands and could spend days dwelling on perfectly normal comments people made (not just us) until she was a mixture of furious and inconsolable. When DS1 was a few days old she phoned DH to have a proper rant at him because the mother's day card we sent was too small. It's an endless list, always all eggshells. Constantly being reminded of everything they'd sacrificed for him (although it was never clear exactly what that was) and having misdemeanors from his childhood thrown back at him re how difficult life had been for them when their DC were young. We were much older than they were when we had our first child and more financially secure. Rather than being happy for her son and GC, MiL was deadly jealous. Final straw was when they tried to use DCs to manipulate DH.
OP posts:
Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:52

Gosh, that was a long story, with no paragraphs Blush

OP posts:
Chloemol · 28/01/2021 17:53

I am sorry about your dh. But you have to do what he asks. I think getting him to write a letter would be a good idea, and send it to them after the funeral ( although I appreciate this maybe hard if they hear from other family members) just in case they try and turn up

At least with a letter hopefully they will stay away from you

Original poster
Nopreservatives · 28/01/2021 17:53

Oh, I forgot. They attended our wedding but refused to speak to either of us all day, such was the level of their heartbreak.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 28/01/2021 17:54

I wouldn’t because they’ll ruin what time you have left with him.

nzborn · 28/01/2021 17:57

I wouldn't tell them.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 28/01/2021 17:58

You absolutely shouldn't tell them.

I would possibly ask a friend/family member to inform them when the time comes and explain that you don't wish to be contacted at all. You'll have more than enough on your plate.

So sorry that you're going through this Flowers

katy1213 · 28/01/2021 18:04

I wouldn't bother telling them at all - their relationship with your husband isn't your problem. But if you do tell them out of courtesy - after the funeral which you won't want hi-jacked - they can't put you through hell because you will close all communication with them immediately after. So any letters etc will go in the bin unopened, no phone calls answered, all social media blocked. It's sad their relationship ended this way but it's not yours to mend posthumously.

Flapjak · 28/01/2021 18:05

Sounds like they would probably make it about them, so you husband probably doesnt need that, but how awful that at some point they are going to have to live with that. I think i would encourage your husband to write a letter that these were his wishes.

5zeds · 28/01/2021 18:08

Just ignore them. He gets to choose.

SunshineCake · 28/01/2021 18:08

Gut feeling. Tell them nothing.

Dh is under strict instructions not to tell my parents when I die and he wouldn't dare. He knows I'd haunt him if he did but he 100% agrees with me.

They are just biology. Do what he wants. Not what you think is best. BTW it isn't.

I am sorry he is dying Flowers.