DH is estranged from his parents but also dying.

[Nopreservatives]

I don't know what to do.

It feels wrong not to tell them, but then I can't imagine a family relationship like that where things could get so bad you don't speak for 20 years, so I don't understand. I fall out with my sister, but the idea that we wouldn't clear the air is absurd. They were truly toxic and it is certainly true (as DH says) that life has been better without them.

So, if we don't tell them because that's what DH wants, do I have to tell them when he goes? I can just imagine the hell they'll put me through for not telling them earlier, which they will want to believe is all my fault, not DH's wishes.

I'm not sure what my question is really, I'm not going to go against DH's wishes, but I also don't want things to be even worse than they are for me and DC later.

Plus, for all their faults, they are human and I imagine they'll be devastated.

Any advice?

My response is simple. I wouldn’t tell them now and I wouldn’t tell them until after any funeral.

The damage they could do is unknown.

I would however tell the, by letter, afterwards as despite being arseholes he’s still their son, and they may be oblivious to what twats they have been.

Protect your DH and D.C. now. The rest is for later.

@Usermn78

I wouldn't suggest you watch it OP but at the end of the TV programme It's a sin, there's a devastating bit where people aren't told a loved one is dying until it's too late. I really hope your husband can do this for them, even though they don't necessarily deserve it, it will be the most devastating thing that will ever happen to them. And you all obviously. Again I am so sorry

Sorry, but that's an appalling level of emotional blackmail to place on someone.

It's also totally different because it goes against the character's wishes. The OP is not going against her husband's wishes if she doesn't tell his family. She is respecting them.

A neighbour went no contact with his sisters many years ago.

He was quite clear that he didn't want his sisters to be told about his death.

When drawing up his will he asked the solicitor to write a letter to his partner instructing his partner to keep his death private and never inform his sisters.

If the sisters did find out about the death he was to show them the solicitors letter. The plan was to make sure that the sisters could not blame the partner.

@Nopreservatives
That's really sad news about your husband's diagnosis and you have my deepest sympathy I think that you should stick to your husband's wishes, don't contact his parents, don't tell them anything.
It's very difficult for people with normal parents to comprehend the act of deciding to have no contact with your own parents. So many of these posters are commenting from a good family perspective and it's hard for them to understand what drives a person to cut all contact. I should know, I've done it with my mother.
I've had two serious health issues recently and I told both my husband and my adult son that under no circumstances were they to tell my mother. They didn't and both agreed with my decision.
I think that you should keep faith with your husband, you know the pain he has gone through with them. He deserves to have the rest of his time on Earth without his toxic parents sticking their oar in.
I wish you well.

Yep. Agree with pp.

From my own experience in my family I would say

• don’t tell them before. Neither your DH, you or the dcs need more drama on the top of everything else.
• I’d say not to tell them until after the funeral either. From what you say, they are likely to make it all about them, not been told etc... and again create a drama at a time when you really don’t need it.

If they hear about it from other relatives, my answer would be ‘I am respecting DH wishes’. That’s it. If they chose not to believe it, then so be it. But you certainly can chose to fully close ties with them.

How old are your dcs now? If old enough, what do they think about all that?

I think that I would tell them. They are his parents and human after all. It could give them the much needed chance to make amends and help deal with their loss afterwards. I'm so sorry to hear about your DH though.

This is a tough one OP. You owe your husband the most loyalty of all, so I would just take some time to talk through his feelings on this with him without trying to influence in any way. Then respect his wishes. If he decides they aren't to be told at all, he might write a note to them explaining that this was his choice, so you can pass this on if appropriate - as from what you say you are likely to get blame from them if you don't tell them and this may reduce the drama.

Op I am so sorry about your dh & my thoughts are with you & your dc
your dh has every right to his decision & to pp use your imagination if you think that families didn't have break up & nc before - they most certainly did & have done since time began. A story my dear great aunt told me about her uncle & his son (which went back to the early 1900's) where his parent were ultra strict (cruel) & when the lad was old enough he ran away & no one knew what happened to him -ever.
So practical thoughts
Would it be possible to get a solicitor to send notice after his death on your behalf? Stating that this was your dh wish & that he had no desire for himself or his family to have any contact with them. You could type this out for dh to sign & perhaps get someone from PALS to sign as witness? (or perhaps someone else in hospital. or Charity?) This could be sent after his death or funeral.

I wouldn’t tell them now. Mostly because it’s against your DH’s wishes but also because they could suddenly want loads of contact and make your lives very difficult which is the last thing either of you need. I would get him to write them a letter and send it a good couple of months after the funeral. That way they have a last contact directly from him and will see it wasn’t your decision to keep them away.

He deserves to have the rest of his time on Earth without his toxic parents sticking their oar in.

This will bells on.

No one will understand unless you have been there, what it takes to cut off your own parents.

Human they may be, but never underestimate how cruel humans can be.

What a horrible situation. I completely understand you feel like they should know, but I think you should respect your husbands wishes, here. Perhaps speak to him again about it and check that's what he really wants.

Think you should respect his wishes. I wouldn't want any drama while dying and feeling unwell. Write them a letter after the cremation/funeral to let them know.

@Nopreservatives

We do know they're still alive. They send Christmas and birthday cards . It's laughable because for my birthday they seem to make a point of choosing a really naff card every year, but no one can say they didn't send one

Of course you should tell them. They may be able to resolve whatever issue it is. They obviously still care if they are sending cards etc. It is their son. Imagine if your child was dying and you never resolved the issue.

I was put in a slightly similar situation when my husband was extremely unwell. He didn't want his parents to know as they lived the other side of the world and he didn't want them to worry or feel the need to visit. He loathes people fussing over him. He asked me to promise not to let them know. I went against his wishes. I felt that they had the right to know and felt vindicated when he took a sudden turn for the worse and ended up ventilated in a coma. Different circumstances I know, but I would at least try to see if he would change his mind. As it happened my in laws acted in a completely different way to how they normally would (mil usually cried a lot/made things about her/them), but they remained calm, dignified and respectful. I appreciate these are different circumstances, but I just wanted to put it out there that people can act differently and behave themselves when it really matters.

Dear God no, let the man die in peace and comfort, surrounded by loving family - you and the kids. For your sake and for the kids' sakes, don't tell them in time to hijack the funeral, either - allow yourselves to grieve in peace and give your husband a dignified funeral and mourning.

I would be ready for them to target the kids more if they find out and know that your husband is no longer around to protect the kids. For this reason, you should think very carefully about engaging with them at all about this - ever.

With the greasiest respect whilst your DH is still living he gets to decide if his parents are told or not.

After wards you need to be clear what he wants you to do and if it's not to inform them you should respect that. But I like the idea above that DH must then write a letter you can pass them from him about the decision.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a terrible situation without this added heartache and stress.

@AlternativePerspective

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here.

TBH I am always a bit at the number of people who, on a parenting site, are NC with their parents. This is surely an indication that in 20 or so years time many of the posters here will have children who are NC with them to the degree that they wouldn’t even want them to know they were dying.

20 years is a long time. If you’ve had nothing to say between you then there really is no way of knowing whether they’ve changed or not. And TBH while the way they were sounds crap, none of that IMO warrants going NC to the point you wouldn’t even want to tel them you were dying.

Obviously it’s your DH’s choice to tell them or not, but I wonder whether, if he has time, he could have some therapy to establish just how he now feels and why.

I do actually think that these people have a right to know that their child has died, even if they don’t know beforehand.

We’re all parents here. Can any of us really say that we wouldn’t be devastated if our children cut all contact and they died without us even knowing?

And while people say that they would never be that abusive, these things are subjective. What to one is tolerable is NC-worthy to another.

Well you're contradicting yourself there!

And TBH while the way they were sounds crap, none of that IMO warrants going NC to the point you wouldn’t even want to tel them you were dying
Swiftly followed by What to one is tolerable is NC-worthy to another

So you ascertain that on one hand the situation doesn't warrant going NC, but on the other it is NC-worthy to some!? Okay then

And what the actual hell is this comment? Obviously it’s your DH’s choice to tell them or not, but I wonder whether, if he has time, he could have some therapy to establish just how he now feels and why

The man is dying. Don't be so patronising.

OP, I'm so sorry you're in this position but you really do need to respect your husband's wishes.
I'm NC with my mother and I wouldn't want her to be told if I was dying. She gave up that right when she tried to throttle me.

Best wishes to you Nopreservatives, be easy on yourself.

I am so sorry about your husband and his prognosis.

I wouldn't tell his parents as per his wishes.

I'm not in contact with my parents and have asked my DH not to contact them should anything happen to me. Some people are so damaged they cause lingering damage down through the generations. It's desperately sad. Some people won't understand. If that's the case I wish I had been born into their family ☹️.

So sorry to hear that your husband is terminally ill. My partner died of a brain tumor in 2015.

Just looking on a practical level, do you know what he wants for his funeral?, does he have a will?, do you know all his pension/s? Passwords for Facebook, emails, phone...

I have joined a charity called WAY ( widowed and young). They have a strong Facebook presence and provide great support both nationally and locally. It is made up of a very eclectic group and they are a great source of information, knowledge and support. You may find it beneficial to join in due course.

Big hugs to you and your family xx

As a child that is estranged from a parent...I wouldn't tell them now or ever.

@roseyrose2020

You are projecting your own feelings about parent/child relationships. That's not right. The OP's husband has clearly stated his wishes. Who are you to recommend the OP goes against them?

I am also going to go against the grain.

From what you have written about why he went NC (I am sure there is more, but I feel if any of it was worse you would have included it) they sound really annoying and infuriating and maybe even difficult. However, they are still his parents and they have tried to keep contact over the years, so I would try to persuade him to let you tell them.

I think all of us could imagine our heartbreak if we found out after the event that an adult child had died, regardless of what had gone before.

I know that won't be a popular view but.....

My sincere sympathy for your circumstances it must be extremely difficult for you all.

Tell them after. If your dh doesn't want them to know before then don't. They may make the final months with your dh a nightmare.

I would tell them, but ask that they respect yours and your husbands wishes that they don’t try to initiate contact before he dies. I think that’s the right thing to do. No matter how estranged a family is, they deserve to know.