He’s cheated multiple times :(

[Feelinglost006]

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

I’m confused, from your posts it sounds like he broke up with you? What is the decision for you here? You are not together anymore.

Accept the break up. He is a liar and cheat, and if you have all this love to give, love your children and get a pet.

You do not need a man. Not this man, no any man. Shocking to me that you would sacrifice yourself like this for a man who doesn’t even want to be with you.

This all sounds eerily similar to this poster:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4045223-Still-love-someone-who-tried-to-did-cheat

Please tell me this isn't just the latest instalment in the tale?!!

Even if it isn't, you should read it before you get anymore enmeshed in this shit show. And stop dragging your children through this car crash of a "relationship"

I haven’t read all your posted OP. I stopped at sex workers and brothels

You need to get rid of rid him ASAP!! And do not buy a house with him FGS!!

Think of your kids getting attached to someone who is I good and putting your health at risk.

Please get checked at the GUM clinic.

I cannot say this fast enough run run fast. He doesn't deserve you. What you have just written sounds like it could be my life I was with a chap for four years never really showed much commitment but did enough to keep me committed. He lied to me about multiple things met up with girls I still don't know if anything happened. He then told me he didn't deserve me etc. Also never asked for a second chance even though I was devastated and told him I would've tried he told me he couldn't have loved me because if he did he wouldn't have done these things to me. Five years down the line married to a wonderful bloke 10 times the man he ever was. you need to find your self worth because otherwise you will never find someone who deserves you.

What does he have to do before you’ll split with him? Kill someone?

He pays women for sex.
He probably doesn’t use protection.
He’s a drunk and a cokehead.

When people love someone, they don’t go out of their way to hurt the other person.

He’s walking all over you and you’re just accepting it.

I know everyone is right. It’s all things I have been thinking. It’s just obviously a huge shock to have the suspicions confirmed. I honestly think if he hadn’t had the Dutch courage of a drink it wouldn’t have been admitted to. It’s taken months to get the truth and he confessed to more than I even knew about. Yes I have to accept it could easily have been 7 times had places been open and that’s just what I know about. I am just as I say feeling lots of emotions. Numbness shock relief like I say at finally knowing I was right. And it’s painful as other poor ladies who have been through the same know. I have been really honest here about my own failings (being co dependant , wanting this mystical happy family of mum dad figure and the children ) I have been really open and honest which is hard even on an anon forum. I am just scared . It hurts now and will hurt a whole lot more and I just don’t feel strong enough but I know there’s no alternative

@blewraspberry

This all sounds eerily similar to this poster:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4045223-Still-love-someone-who-tried-to-did-cheat

Please tell me this isn't just the latest instalment in the tale?!!

Even if it isn't, you should read it before you get anymore enmeshed in this shit show. And stop dragging your children through this car crash of a "relationship"

Excellent spot. Clearly the same poster.

this blissfully happy family image you keep banging on about has brought potential danger into your childrens lives .. this guy is truly gutter standard... stop focusing on fantasy and look at who he is.. he's shown you.. he's told you.. how much more does he need to do for you to realise you're his safety net nothing more.. harsh but essential news OP.. 🌺

So is it you, @Feelinglost006?!

If it is it's pretty disingenuous to keep asking for advice you clearly have no intention of taking. On that last thread you insisted you were only seeing him on a purely platonic basis, as "friends", whilst using your kids and playing happy families to try and emotionally blackmail him into staying with you. Now you were "the happiest you've ever been". It's delusional! How is anyone supposed to give you their time and advice when you can't even be honest with yourself?!

If you want to throw yourself at a drug-addled, porn-addicted, cheating loser then fine. But your poor kids deserve better. I hope there is an adult in your life who can intervene, in the meantime, stop asking well-meaning people on here for help you refuse to take!

Reading through the post now. Not me . He stopped at leaving condoms for me to find which is why I never had any concrete proof

You're a parent.

He is a drug user.
A misogynist.
A cheat.
A liar.
A punter who gets a buzz from buying consent.

And you really think you should have him in your children's' lives because they quite like him?

Again, you're the parent - you get to make choices about who you bring into their lives. Your children don't.

It is absolutely, obviously not in their best interest to spend any more time around him or have their mum invest any more time or energy in him.

He's toxic and poisonous.

You need to end the relationship and cease contact.

Otherwise I'm afraid you're letting down yourself and your children. You all deserve better than this.

Why are you turning yourself inside out for a man who is all the things I've listed above?

Don't you think it's better for your children to have a mum who is single than a mum who is with a man like that?

Oh my god and HE ended it but YOU are considering uprooting your poor kids to go and live somewhere with a man who is on drugs, cheats, pays for sex workers, lies and cheats?!

Sorry but fucking hell, you can't possibly think that's in your children's best interest?!

@Feelinglost006

Can anyone shed any light on why he’s doing this. He says all he’s wanted is a settled happy relationship like his two brothers have. So why on Earth is he doing this . Like why ??

I have read through loads of other threads where ppl say that users of sex workers once they start down that road they will always go back to using them. It’s an addiction for most

It doesn't matter why he has done those things.

What matters is why on earth you still want to be with someone who does those things.

It is literally dangerous that you feel that way. Because you're exposing your children to someone totally unacceptable and you are also further damaging your mental health and ability to spot red flags with every day you stay in contact with him.

You are prioritising a relationship with a drug using punter over the stability and safety of your children, unless you break up with him for good.

I know that probably hurts to read but you need some tough love to understand how shockingly irresponsible it would be to even consider staying with him.

You need to leave him, be single for a long time while you explore the wounds that have caused your tolerance and expectations to be so unhealthy. Your children need you to make better decisions than wanting such an utter cunt to love you.

You need to do that for them.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3982491-Struggling-with-break-up-want-to-make-it-work

So this isn't you? The OP has included a link to the "leaving the condoms" thread so have a read, if it's not you then the similarities are uncanny....

No one can help you if you won't help yourself....

It’s probably that my self esteem is so low that it’s all I believe I am worth. Some crumbs thrown my way. An act of being happy . Having someone there rather than being alone

But surely your kids are worth more than that even if you don’t believe you are?

Then please, please speak to your GP about getting some help. He is actually doing you a favour telling you the truth, he probably wants an "out" from this mess, but you're clinging on for dear life at the expense of your and your children's mental health.

You may feel temporarily unhappy at the thought of being single, but everyone here can absolutely guarantee you won't be happy until you are free of this toxic situation.

Unfortunately I don't think there is anything he can do to actually break free of you, his behaviour is already so appalling with zero consequences that short of SS getting involved or someone intervening to help your children you will not let him go.

You've got the wherewithal to post on the internet so I cannot fathom how you can allow this to continue for so long when it is so obvious how little care and respect this man has for you.

It would be really, deeply upsetting to read all this if you were a single, childless woman, but you have KIDS who depend on you to protect them from such obvious evils as this loser brings to your door. You lose the privilege of sacrificing your own mental health and happiness when you are also responsible for children.

What is it going to take before you snap out of it?? Thread after thread of desperate, life-ruining dependence on someone wholly unworthy of anyone's affection.

It's heartbreaking to be honest.

The thing is op, you haven’t just found this out. Maybe a few extra details but you knew about the escorts back in May. On each of your threads you say it’s over and you can’t deal with the heartbreak and now at the end of October you are still in the same place, if not worse.

Get some self worth op hes not even youre dcs father they will get over it.

This cannot be real ?

Also thought this sounded eerily familiar.

This is the first time I have posted about this. But what I have written still stands. People are right he loves me in his own way but not properly. More the idea of what I can bring maybe. It’s not my job to be his saviour and rescuer. This behaviour I now know has been going on for years. And it will most likely go on for years.

I do know what I have to do. It’s just taking a deep breath and being brave / strong enough to do it. I have been honest and said I am scared of the pain of breaking up as I know it will hurt so I am clinging on. Holding onto that hope remembering those nice tones we (I thought we) had .

As I say it’s all new and raw I found this out less than 72 hours ago. My heads all over the place

If you don't feel strong enough then think of your kids. Surely they are enough incentive to get a drug using, woman exploiting misogynist punter out of all your lives?

You need to cut contact completely. It will hurt more initially maybe but it will make the healing process quicker in the long run.

If the other poster people have mentioned isn't you then you then it's worth reading the threads people linked because you sound incredibly similar and due to her not cutting contact with her drug using women exploiting misogynist punter, she is still struggling to move on five months as she's stayed in touch with him. She too works in a demanding job involving mental health - there are a lot of similarities.

This is madness. Your kids deserve better than this and while I appreciate it hurts, your lack of boundaries on this are dangerous because if he had turned around and said he did want to stay together, after everything you know now you'd have had him back regardless. That isn't a safe decision - you need some help to unravel why you're feeling this way because you are incredibly vulnerable.

It's worth looking up the shark cage analogy and discussing that in counselling.

But in the short term your priority needs to be cutting contact because you are allowing a totally unsuitable man to be in your life when you are a parent. They come first.

Sending you a virtual hug. Hes treated you appallingly.

What on earth do you want from this thread OP? You've received a fairly unanimous response. Yet you seem to be brushing it off. If you want to stay with a dirtbag abuser who cheats on you, lies to you, puts your health at risk, buys womens bodies for his own purposes, drinks too much, uses cocaine, and doesn't even want to be with you - go ahead, but then why ask MN for advice that you ignore? And my heart absolutely breaks for your poor DC being gaslighted into accepting this dirtbag into their young, innocent, impressionable lives