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Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Tistheseason17 · 27/10/2020 22:25

You dont live with him,you are not financially reliant on him. His emotional support is worthless and the reason he behaves why his does is never going to be acceptable. You cannot excuse it. You need to show your children how to value themselves by starting to value yourself first as an example to them of how a person should be loved and respected. Break the cycle. Block him and move on.
Not sure why it is so difficult for you.

YoureRight · 27/10/2020 22:26

Ugh, that dirty druggie shouldn’t be anywhere near anyone’s kids. Trust me, OP, I was that kid who had their mothers latest boyfriend inflicted into my home, they won’t miss your filthy cokehead boyfriend one bit.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 02:58

Yes it is just a fear of the unknown and being on my own . I haven’t ever really been by myself . I was with exh years and years and then a short gap and then this one. I don’t want a whole succession of people in and out and mums boyfriends. I don’t want that for my children. That’s why I genuinely thought I had found someone who I was going to settle down with and have a nice life together all of us. To find out 2 years of your life has mostly been a lie and an illusion is a lot to take on board. But better that than 5.10.15 years I know.

I need to find my anger. He is supposed to be coming over to stay until the weekend later but I don’t want him here. I just want to be on my own at the moment so I am going to tell him not to come. That for me is a big thing to do. I have to do this in baby steps but it’s a start. I think also the best thing I can do is tell my family (I don’t mean the children - I mean my adult family ) what he’s done. Once I do that there’s no going back so it’s for the best in the long run it’s out there

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 28/10/2020 03:25

Wow. Baby steps? He's Coming round to your house? This guy doesn't want you!! He couldn't be any clearer! Where is your self respect? Why would you want someone like this around your children as a role model?? I left my dh while pregnant and with a toddler for similar behaviour. So I've been there and I survived and you will too. Enough is enough. Block and move on and when he begs, which he will, ignore him

SocialBees · 28/10/2020 06:33

OP, telling him not to come over and telling your adult family members are both good ideas. I'm sorry this is so hard for you Sad but as other have said, even if you don't believe you're worth more than this lowlife, surely your children deserve better?

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 28/10/2020 06:40

Put your children first you silly woman

readingismycardio · 28/10/2020 06:48

Just be happy that you haven't moved in with this asshole and you don't have shared finances, cut your losses and dump him

Luddite26 · 28/10/2020 07:12

Get rid get tested and be glad you are not tied to him.
Sounds like he has someone else anyway saying he is not good enough for you.
No he is not. Value yourself. Really don't waste any more emotional energy on him.

Luddite26 · 28/10/2020 07:16

What is he doing with sex workers that he chooses not to do with you. The more he is getting away with it the more he will.
Mid 30s still young eniugh to revitalise your life. Do not waste another minute of it.x

AlwaysCheddar · 28/10/2020 07:52

Jeez, have some dignity and realise he doesn’t give a shit about you or your kid’s. He does not care. Get rid, vanish him out of your life. He won’t change and he does not love you.

blewraspberry · 28/10/2020 08:05

This is pointless. You are clearly the same poster as has been making thread after thread for months now about this loser. It's actually insulting to be so dishonest when people are trying to help you. You don't want help, you want to cling on to every crumb of disinterested, reluctant attention he tosses you and pretend there's a great love story to be found there.

Where are your children whilst you're obsessing over him?! You are fucking up their lives as well as your own, and still coming on here to defend him and obsess over how to win him back. What do you actually want people to say?! This is so deeply wrong I can't believe it's actually true.

DianaT1969 · 28/10/2020 08:46

Honestly OP, you shouldn't be dating at all. Your head is not in the right place.
Pour your love and affection into your 4 children.
I won't say drop this man, because everyone else has and they tried to make it clear why. Cut contact. Today. Block. Forget dating. You'll know when the time is right. Based on this, not for a long time. That isn't something to be sad about. You've spent your adult life with the wrong person. Time to learn to live alone happily and build your self-esteem and boundaries.

Omeara · 28/10/2020 09:02

It will be painful but you will get through it. Learning to be okay on your own and enjoying how strong it makes you feel will really help boost your self esteem.

10questions · 28/10/2020 09:11

I haven’t reread the other threads although I remember you were quite ill over this horrible man to the point you could barely function. Wouldn’t it be better to go through the pain barrier now than still be in this position in six months time?

Longdistance · 28/10/2020 09:15

You’re flogging a dead horse here. Your bf sounds bloody awful. You’ve gone from a DV situation to a druggy who sleeps with sex workers. Put your dc first, forget your needs for now, you’re young enough. He sounds disinterested in you and your needs, it’s all about him and what he wants and needs, where do you come into it? Well, you don’t as you’re not his priority. Cut your losses.

saracorona · 28/10/2020 09:28

You're being played I'm afraid! Ignore your heart and probably genitals too, they're stupid. moronic and will lead you into all sort of trouble with this guy. He wants you to support him while he abuses you! Because of course true love conquers all and if it doesn't, well obviously you didn't love him enough or good enough.
Of course the kids like him, he will have lavished attention on them to rope you in. In time you will all wake up to his manipulations and then you'll really feel shit.
Get a grip, step back and then stare in wonder, then you will say WTF!
Btw this man has targeted you not because you're weak or thick but because you will be brimming with light and love. He will continue to dim your light until he snuffs you out! He can't help himself, well he could but he won't, that would mean taking responsibility and leaving you alone while he gets therapy for his personality (narcissism) disorder. No when you're snuffed he will find another light bringer and so on.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 09:31

Everyone is right I didn’t cross his mind when he did it . He will do it again previous behaviour is enough to tell me that as he knows he can . He’s lied and lied for months about it even seeing how upset I was he carried on lying . He’s used me and my kids as a front to hide behind of being this respectable good guy and this great bloke ! And when he’s done with the comfort and security of being safe and loved and looked after here he goes off in search of his buzz and thrill . He won’t give it up . He will keep going back to it such is the pull

OP posts:
timeforanewstart · 28/10/2020 10:56

I would get checked out for sti as you said he also had a one night stand and used a sex worker abroad that you think robbed him ? You deserve better hes cheated 4 times in 2 years that you know of and would of been more if he had the chance
You need to put you first ,you can and will do better
It may be hard at first and he doesn't sound like he is going to change and can you ever trust him again

SpongeWorthy · 28/10/2020 11:17

I don’t want a whole succession of people in and out and mums boyfriends. I don’t want that for my children.

But it's not like you only have two choices - either this drug using, sex worker using, lying, cheating man OR a succession of boyfriends.

You need to acknowledge and accept the other choice - being single until you're in a less vulnerable headspace that doesn't allow men like that into your children's lives.

You must put them first!!!

Your in absolutely no headspace to be dating at all or seeing this man in any capacity. You need therapy and you need to start remembering that as a parent, allowing this man to continue to be around you - IN YOUR HOME - is utterly irresponsible and ridiculous.

So, have you told him he can't come over? You need to do this. Sorry but if you don't tell him it's over and mean it then you're letting your children down.

pincertoe · 28/10/2020 11:42

@Feelinglost006

This is the happiest we have all been in such a long time. I don’t want to hurt them
YOU won't be hurting them, he has hurt them by hurting you. You will however hurt them in the future if you continue with this relationship and eventually buy a house with this man and either split and have the upheaval of moving house or financially having to buy him out etc. As your children get older they will see and hear and understand more, you won't be able to hide the fact he is not only a cheating scum bag but uses sex workers to.

You and they deserve to be treated better and your children deserve a better example of a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 12:17

I have had a look online for a test which can be mailed out for stds as it’s half term and covid restrictions on walking into places

I have also made a phone appt with my dr for later this afternoon to access a referral for counselling and to look at either changing or tweaking the medication I am on. I take it for anxiety and depression anyway but with what’s been going on and trying to juggle working , being a single parent and all this shit he’s heaped on me .. well everyone has their limit and there’s only so much one person can carry.

Due to the anxiety at the moment which is through the roof I am finding it hard to eat very much and my sleep is being disturbed. The symptoms are racing heart and constant churning / sick feeling.

OP posts:
SpongeWorthy · 28/10/2020 12:49

@Feelinglost006

I have had a look online for a test which can be mailed out for stds as it’s half term and covid restrictions on walking into places

I have also made a phone appt with my dr for later this afternoon to access a referral for counselling and to look at either changing or tweaking the medication I am on. I take it for anxiety and depression anyway but with what’s been going on and trying to juggle working , being a single parent and all this shit he’s heaped on me .. well everyone has their limit and there’s only so much one person can carry.

Due to the anxiety at the moment which is through the roof I am finding it hard to eat very much and my sleep is being disturbed. The symptoms are racing heart and constant churning / sick feeling.

Speak to your doctor about propranolol - it relieves the physical symptoms of anxiety to stop you spiralling so you can calm down.

Sorry to labour the point but have you told him not to come visit today / the weekend? It's so important you start putting some space between him and you (and your kids) because you need to end it anyway and the longer you keep seeing him the longer you're delaying the inevitable and just becoming more anxious, distressed and damaged (mental health wise) in the process.

You must prioritise your children and cancel him in order to move on.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 13:27

Yes I have sent a message not to come my emotions are running high and I can feel my anger and distress growing. It’s not an environment I want the children in seeing me upset and words between us . It’s not fair on them and will unsettle them . I need to keep the illusion mummy is fine and all is well in our world. I will speak to the gp on the phone upstairs when they call me

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 13:33

I will ask about the propananol when they call . If I can get these physical symptoms under control I think I will feel slightly stronger as I won’t have that on top to battle with . If anyone has any links or other threads which will help in terms of coping at the min day to day and how to get through dealing with this kind of betrayal. I used the search function and google but lots of it was ppl who are married and have tied assets and sticking it out for their kids which isn’t the same here .

It’s made me feel what was I lacking he had to sleep around. I cared and looked after and loved him but that attention seemingly wasn’t enough. Feels like I was the safe comfy secure option and these were people to have fun with. Very different to me. I was too safe too boring .

It’s on him what’s happened but it’s enough to make me look at myself and question why

OP posts:
workhomesleeprepeat · 28/10/2020 13:48

You weren’t lacking anything OP. He’s addicted to coke and hookers, it’s not about you. It’s about him, he is all about him and his desires.

You need to focus on you, and not dwell on why this druggie couldn’t shift his addictions. You had it right earlier when you said he used you and your kids to appear respectable.