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Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 14:33

Oh I know he hasn’t shifted them in all this time. He’s had two years out of me and hasn’t. He doesn’t intend to give up the coke only cut down. Which we all know once the pandemic is over and everywhere is back open again the nights out will start again and the best intentions in the world will fly out the window. He says he’s too damaged and it’s to try and be the victim but none the less he is right he is really damaged. I don’t know why and I don’t care. He doesn’t care that he’s made me ill. Not really. He might pay a bit of lip service that he hates seeing me like this but he couldn’t give a fuck. He couldn’t give a shit with my past history this could be the last straw which tips me over the edge. He’s someone who goes on about loyalty all the time , and understanding mental health. He’s a hypocrite and everyone thinks he’s this great bloke for being with a woman with kids

OP posts:
Coffeeandcocopops · 28/10/2020 14:39

What would you say to your daughter or mum if they were in this situation. You have said your mum was a good mum and strong and didn’t put up with crap. Follow her - get rid of him.

BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 17:32

Anger is good.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
LadyJaye · 28/10/2020 18:11

Fuck this wanker, and TBH, fuck you too.

You've exposed your children - YOUR CHILDREN - to the sort of man who uses sex workers and drugs to make YOU feel better?

Damn right you should be angry. Now, use that anger positively. There will be many MNers with previous experience who can help - take the help.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

mrstea301 · 28/10/2020 18:21

@Feelinglost006

This is the happiest we have all been in such a long time. I don’t want to hurt them
But you're not happy, are you?

You can't stay within him. If you do, you're demonstrating to your children how they should expect to be treated in relationships. There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship with the wrong person. And if you stay with him, he'll carry on shagging about, as it comes with no repercussions for him - he just has to act a bit shamefaced about it. And if you stay with him and get to the point where you merge finances - what do you do when he starts spending your money on sex workers? Because he will. And he's basically made it known now that he will.

Think of your children.

blewraspberry · 28/10/2020 18:30

@LadyJaye

Fuck this wanker, and TBH, fuck you too.

You've exposed your children - YOUR CHILDREN - to the sort of man who uses sex workers and drugs to make YOU feel better?

Damn right you should be angry. Now, use that anger positively. There will be many MNers with previous experience who can help - take the help.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

I agree completely with this, but I think it's a bit disingenuous to keep asking for help and advice you have no intention of taking. Hundreds of posts and advice from well-meaning women sharing their own (sometimes painful) experiences, and it's just completely disregarded.

You say your children are oblivious to your hurt and distress, I think everyone here will tell you they categorically are NOT. Snap out of it, for fucks sake.

blewraspberry · 28/10/2020 18:32

Just to clarify, I mean disingenuous of the OP, @LadyJaye, and not you.

This is a rare instance of my thinking that the "tough love" actually isn't tough enough, and nothing short of him dying/going to prison/her children being taken from her will actually break this trauma bond.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 21:37

Wanted to update
After the message about not coming over (which hadn’t been read) he called me and said he had been thinking and still doesn’t know what he wants and needs time to think. So with that I said I think you are right it won’t work , it doesn’t matter if I move , uproot my family or what I do it’s not enough and deep down you don’t want to be with me and it’s time to go out separate ways.

Both of us were very upset and he kept saying he was so sorry and he’s asked we go no contact now while things settle down . It was an extremely emotional painful conversation and I have told the children that we are no longer together. I told them around an hour ago and they are now in bed.

I have ripped the plaster right off in one hit.

I told him that it would have been many more times had he been able to cheat , that he’s risked my health and he’s making me mentally unwell . He agreed with it all and said the best thing he can do for me is to leave me alone and he needs to go away and sort his life out. I am doubtful he’s in the right place to do it at the moment but he’s said it’s not right to take me along for the ride any longer or to ask me to wait for him.

People may think I am being dramatic but I am devestated at the moment . I wasn’t good enough and drink and drugs and other women have come before us all and it really really hurts .

But it’s done now. So I wanted everyone to know who’s doubted me and this story and said I wouldn’t do it. I have called time on it and I have told my children it’s over.

The support now I am reaching out for is on an emotional level going forward in the next few hours and days.

I don’t need practical or financial advice as it’s not relevant to my situation. It’s that self care emotional side as I feel at rock bottom emotionally . Playing over in my head these other women , feeling utterly worthless and stupid and the anxiety is still there (dr has upped the dose and I asked about a beta blocker which they are going to prescribe) I have tried to eat a little after my phone conversation with him and could only manage a few mouthfuls. I feel constantly sick at the min . I just feel so low now

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 28/10/2020 21:39

Well done Flowers

lazylinguist · 28/10/2020 22:36

Well done OP. Flowers It's hard but you did the right thing.

BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 22:56

OP take pride and comfort in the fact you have done this.. for your own mental health and that of your children.. I doubted your ability to prioritise your own self over him.. I'm so glad to see you have taken this path Flowers

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 22:56

Thanks. I have just settled my youngest down who was in bed crying. And now got into bed myself with a hot sweet tea . I feel absolutely numb . Don’t even want to think about getting through the next day or two

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 28/10/2020 23:00

I have never put my own mental health or feelings first before. With my exh I stayed as I wanted to keep the family together. I thought my love would be enough to help him and I thought it this time too . If I loved harder or tried harder it would all be ok and it would be enough. Seeing my children smiling again meant everything to me to watch them cry tonight was horrific . I know it should be short term pain for long term gain. But when someone’s been part of your life day to day it’s really hard to go from that to absolutely nothing. It feels like a huge emotional hole

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 28/10/2020 23:04

take each day as it comes.. slowly Flowers

SocialBees · 29/10/2020 07:23

Well done for ripping off that plaster OP - it's a hugely important thing you've done for you and your children. It's great that he suggested going no contact - that will make it easier for you to stay away from him. I know it's hard OP but hang in there Flowers

AlwaysCheddar · 29/10/2020 07:58

If you’re at Rick bottom, there’s only one way to go - up! It will get better and easier, just keep him out of your life.

AlwaysCheddar · 29/10/2020 07:59

Rock bottom!

Eviebeans · 29/10/2020 08:08

Well done for doing something very difficult - things will get better, cherish yourself and your family - look after yourself and good luck 🤗

Eviebeans · 29/10/2020 08:13

Don't look for anyone else to complete you...

Yorkshirelass04 · 29/10/2020 08:39

Well done - my thoughts are with you.

Think of your strong stable happy future as an assertive proud lady.

MegaClutterSlut · 29/10/2020 09:35

Well done op Flowers I know its devastating watching your kids upset but then the man they thought they knew doesn't exist. They will be fine, kids bounce back and so will you. You will have wobbles a long the way but everytime you do remember, you and your kids deserve a whole lot better. Take care of yourself op

PerveenMistry · 29/10/2020 09:49

He's not a partner and clearly he only wants you/your family part time when it suits him.

It's too bad you embroiled your kids into this relationship but now you need to bite the bullet and ditch him. And be careful in future about letting them get attached to your boyfriends.

PerveenMistry · 29/10/2020 09:56

Why did you add to the drama by telling your kids immediately and upsetting them? There was no need to do that; you could have made the point gradually and less dramatically. If you didn't make it a huge deal but rather a natural transition out of a relationship, they would be less traumatized.

You really need to get some counseling about what is appropriate parenting. Children should not be exposed to the vagaries of parents' sex and emotional lives like this. It's not fair to use them as your emotional support or to download onto them.

BluebellsGreenbells · 29/10/2020 09:57

Well done OP, take some time to be on your own and do the things you want to do in your life. Build some friendship groups and take up some new hobbies, even if it’s reading quietly.

notapizzaeater · 29/10/2020 10:03

Glad you've ripped the plaster off you are worth so much more. You need time to recover and find yourself. You was only alone for a short gap in between ex and now ex. So you obv have something to bring to the karts. Your life isn't over