He’s cheated multiple times :(

[Feelinglost006]

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP - firstly, youvr done the hardest part - well done.

Now it's time to recover your "self" and your own identity.

Get outdoors with your children, whatever the weather. Get exploring. Fond what makes you happy - we don't need someone to make us whole. When we are whole, we meet someone who is also whole and become bigger and better.
Look online for hobbies that could interest you. What did you enjoy before kids, relationships. Find good self help books,online chat groups. Ask GP for info on mental health support.
This is a fresh chapter in your life book - make it about healing yourself so you can be a better family without the need for someone else

You did the right thing op he’s an utter dog
You and the kids will get through this

Its a bit late now, but I agree with a pp that you didn't need to tell your kids the way you did, as fast as you did, or right before bedtime either. That seems really strange to me.

I think that after all the crap you've been through, you would really would benefit from therapy to help build your own confidence and boundaries, and work on your relationship with them.

I told them now as I knew if I didn’t they would be asking when they are seeing him next and it would keep things alive in my mind if that makes sense. I didn’t tell them the real reasons. I explained it’s mostly due to wanting to live in different places and not uprooting them . They were aware anyway he had his sights on living in a certain area so it wasn’t a complete bolt from the blue.

Medication like I say has been sorted and need to give that time to work.

My interests. I don’t even know . I normally read a lot but at the moment I can’t focus or concentrate on much. I am at a stage I just want to shut myself away and sleep.

I am probably dealing now with the breakdown of both relationships it’s a lot to process

Do people have any tips or links on that self care and self soothing kind of thing after a break up ? Any tips which helped them
Thanks

I also need help with the mindset I am in. With both exh and this person I still have thoughts that if I had tried harder or done something different my love and what I offer would have been enough to make them conquer their addictions. I am having a hard time computing or accepting that it’s nothing I have done or could have done differently. Hope that makes sense

@Feelinglost006

Do people have any tips or links on that self care and self soothing kind of thing after a break up ? Any tips which helped them Thanks

Download an app called headspace and properly try the mindfulness exercises - I have a tendency to feel like stuff like that is bullshit but it really works when I'm anxious.

Also download relax melodies (it has a free tier as does headspace) and you can create soundscapes with all your favourite noises, so mine is rain, wind and crackling fire. It's fun creating it before bed and then you can have it playing while you try to sleep and really tune into it.

Give yourself milestones and reward yourself. So one week no contact have some extra treats with dinner / go out for a meal. One month no contact book a spa day (when all this madness is over). Three months no contact celebrate with a night away somewhere with a friend or get yourself something special for Christmas - I know these examples don't all work but just examples of milestones and treats.

Most importantly you really, really, really need to sort some counselling ASAP so you don't go back on the work you've done to end the relationship.

Day two no contact almost done. Haven’t felt too bad today as kept busy with a friend coming over but now I feel sick again. Missing him. Wondering what he’s doing. Is he drinking is he using drugs tonight. Has he thought about me at all. It really hurts a lot. I don’t know who to talk to or where to turn I feel very lost

Can you download the apps I suggested OP, even just to distract you a little bit? Also do you use audiobooks at all? They're a great way to try and give yourself a headspace.

Hi Feelinglost006 how you doing today? I second SpongeWorthy's audiobook suggestion (I use YouTube and soundcloud) I like to listen to a mix of novels and short stories.

Anxiety was bad in the night. Has come on again this evening. I really feel anxious and agitated and miss him. Guess it’s the withdrawal and going cold turkey without him. Strangely the lockdown announcement is making me anxious . Feels like all of life is passing me by . I miss him so much it hurts

It's hard, but keep strong

Oh OP I'm really sorry you're feeling so low, and agree the announcement tonight was awful to stomach. It might be worth getting MNHQ to move your thread to the Relationship board/have a look/post there as there's more traffic there of other posters in a similar position to yourself for some support

Agree the lockdown announcement was depressing. Hang in there OP. It’s so hard but it will get easier. Audiobooks are a great suggestion. Have you tried downloading the mindfulness apps suggested above?

Congrats on three days now OP - how are you feeling today?

Erm I don’t really know how I feel now. Very flat . I am off work on annual leave and have been for a few weeks now. I really want to go back now half term is over to give me something else to focus on.

Also sounds silly but I feel calmer knowing we are now into lockdown as ex can’t go out anywhere and be having a fun time out with other people. I realise that’s not a very nice thing to say but I am here to be honest.

It should be a happy jolly time of year now but all I feel is a deep intense sadness that I don’t have a life partner to share my life and the cost festive season with. Again I am being honest. It’s time for families now. I will of course do everything for the children and keep the show on the road but it all feels very empty and hard. It would be nice to have someone ask me how my day has been or make me a cup of tea at the end of the day or be going Christmas shopping for something nice for me to make me happy. I am longing for and chasing a dream . Like now they are all in bed and it’s just me and a silent empty downstairs so I will just go to bed now and on we go into another day tomorrow.

Op there’s more to life than a relationship

Learn to love who you are and what you enjoy and you’re more likely to meet someone on the same wavelength

So far you’re picking to wrong ones, your type isn’t working. Raise the bar.