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Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 27/10/2020 15:24
Flowers
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 15:25

Can anyone shed any light on why he’s doing this. He says all he’s wanted is a settled happy relationship like his two brothers have. So why on Earth is he doing this . Like why ??

I have read through loads of other threads where ppl say that users of sex workers once they start down that road they will always go back to using them. It’s an addiction for most

OP posts:
thecakebadge · 27/10/2020 15:27

Yeah to be fair like @jeannie46 says, this man would be going nowhere near my children. ESPECIALLY not as a 'father figure'. What an awful role model for them to have.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
CoraPirbright · 27/10/2020 15:28

The use of prostitutes is utterly unforgivable. You’re lucky he hasn’t infected you with some foul disease.

Why is he doing this? Because he’s an arsehole, that’s why!!

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 15:32

Through my own work I know a lot of sex workers are actually very clean and their health is their wealth so are as safe as they can be. Probably more chance of something off the one night stand from a club rather than a sex worker

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 27/10/2020 15:33

You are desperately trying to find reasons why it's not bad enough to leave him, and excuses as to why he did it. There is no excuse. He bought women's bodies for a 'buzz'. That's enough reason to dump him even if he'd only done it before he was with you.

lazylinguist · 27/10/2020 15:36

Can anyone shed any light on why he’s doing this. He says all he’s wanted is a settled happy relationship like his two brothers have. So why on Earth is he doing this ?

Because he wants to and he can. He didn't think he'd get caught. Wife to look after him at home, plus shag whoever he likes on the side. Where's the downside for a man like that, as long as he managed not to get caught?

CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 15:37

Men often like using sex workers because it makes them feel powerful. For a time they get to own a woman's body and play out their desires on it without having to think about the woman's needs/desires/ comfort/consent. It's a guaranteed shag where they're the king of the castle.

When they go back to their partner who they have to be considerate of, ask permission, pleasure back, make them feel attracted to them by helping with the house and kids etc - it seems like too much to bother with.

So they go back to sex workers, because they want it all.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/10/2020 15:37

Sadly op he doesnt give a shit.
Please ditch him and just tell the kids he wasnt who you thought.
If you put up with this then he'll know he can do anything to you.
You sound nice and deserve more than this. And your kids do too. I wouldnt want anyone who had paid sex anywhere near me or my kids.

IdblowJonSnow · 27/10/2020 15:38

Sorry, just to be clear, because of that person's lack of morality and humanity, nothing to do with the sex workers themelves.

FlippinNoah · 27/10/2020 15:39

Know your worth. And know your children's worth too. You all deserve so much more than this. Get rid of it and don't look back.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 15:40

I am scared of the emotional pain of ripping the plaster off. So scared

OP posts:
Duckswaddle · 27/10/2020 15:41

And you’re seriously thinking about keeping this piece of shit around your kids? Let the bastard go; no cheating arsehole to worry about = less anxiety = happy you = happy kids

Duckswaddle · 27/10/2020 15:42

You’ve got nothing tying you to him. Tell him to fuck off to his prostitutes and block him. Your kids will be taught self respect 👍

lowlandLucky · 27/10/2020 15:50

What advice would you give your child if they were in this situation ?

thosetalesofunexpected · 27/10/2020 15:50

Hi Op I totally can understand your confusion your heart saying one thing,your mind totally opposites.
Trust your instinct, you know that the butzz he gets from paying for sex ,cheating is a addiction, this is notoriously difficult to change this kind of behaviour,he sounds like he is in denial, only way he maybe change is if he admits he has got a problem and actively does therapy,and that's a massive if,(personally myself I think whatever reason he impulsively feels need to cheat, why should you put up with his shoddy disreptful behaviour,when he and other people wouldnt put up with this kind of behaviour himself from anyone else .
I think you need and have to leave this relantship for your own sanity and self esteem,respect.
It will be painful emotionally like a nasty sting but in time,you be glad you have got shot of him,there are better men out there who will and can treat you far better than your current partner is !
Don't settle for less you are worth more than this op,
You seriously need to explore different kinds of therepies that will resonate with you to see why you do not value yourself enough !
Its his emotional baggage that he needs to sort out and you sure as hell do not want to carry it around you like a ball and chain..
Best of Luck

fussychica · 27/10/2020 16:05

He's not cheating on you. He just doesn't see what you have as a proper relationship. He sees it as playing families when he feels like it.
Sorry I think it's time to tell him to get lost. Move on with your life and get tested.

CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 16:07

Don't be scared, be angry.

Lollyneenah · 27/10/2020 16:07

He wants a mummy at home to look after him and drugs and sex workers for fun. That's it really, no more to it than that. He doesnt like family life for what it is, it's not enough for him.

Lollyneenah · 27/10/2020 16:13

I mean, I'm sure his life style seems glamorous to him now. Sexy girls and coke and partying but imagine him in 15 years time Envy vomit. His seex and looks will be fucked because of the coke, big beer gut, no money for kids or christmas cos he spent it all on gambling, 19 year olds and pints with his aging friends.
The poor girls he goes to see will have to put up with a horrible sweaty old man on top of them.
Your dd wont want her friends to come round cos her step dad stares at her mates.
Its gross OP

2bazookas · 27/10/2020 16:14

No wonder he doesn't bother to live with you. That would reduce his fun visits to brothels.

He's having regular sex with you while repeatedly shagging prostitutes, so he's exposing all of you to multiple sexual health risks.

Are you going to forgive him multiple times?

Lollyneenah · 27/10/2020 16:14

His teeth*

Noitjustwontdo · 27/10/2020 16:19

What advice would you give your child if they were in this situation ?

Yes to this. I know you looked down on your Mother for telling you to get rid but wouldn’t you do the same for your child? I know I would. Every person on this thread has also told you to get rid but you’re still clinging onto some hope that he is a decent guy really and that it can work out.

Decent men don’t cheat and they don’t pay women for sex either. He isn’t a decent man, I think he confessed because he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. It’s not like you backed him into a corner with evidence of his affairs, he just decided to tell you of his own volition.

You haven’t been together very long and he’s already cheated four times. Not one drunken ONS when you’d just met but four affairs and it would have been more had the brothels been open- what a delight!

Your children deserve better than this too. Kids aren’t stupid, they will cotton onto the tension this will undoubtedly bring. You’ll never fully trust him again, every night out he goes on you’ll be thinking he’s having it away (and he probably will be sometimes). Do yourself a favour and listen to your Mum- Mother knows best.

Noitjustwontdo · 27/10/2020 16:21

Also can’t believe you minimised the sexual health risks he’s exposed you to by saying sex workers look after themselves... Ffs. He’s put his dick inside four other women, any time you have sex you take a risk and the more partners you have, the more risk- condom or not.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 27/10/2020 16:21

Do you want your sons growing up and replicating his behaviour? Do you want your daughter growing up and thinking his attitude to women is acceptable?
You've got to get rid of him for their sakes if not your own.