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Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 27/10/2020 14:07

Ah, the old "I'm not good enough" manipulation.

Where you feel sorry for him and assure him he's wrong and you want a future with him.

And he chucks you a bone (which you will later choke on)
So he's confessed and if you stay then he gets what he wants out of you while at the same time maintaining you knew what you were getting in to and he offered to walk away.

I do hope you have more brains than to fall for that

10questions · 27/10/2020 14:07

Have you posted about him before op? If it’s the same poster this has been going on some time and he keeps behaving badly and then trying to back off.

tsmainsqueeze · 27/10/2020 14:08

i don't think you're mad but you would be to stay with a man that treats you like this .

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 14:09

Oh and if he says it's 'addictive and compulsive' then he's already sewing the seeds for continuing to do it and saying he's a sexy addict who can't help it.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 27/10/2020 14:14

And what happens when he starts bringing cocaine to your joint house, what happens if one of your kids got hold of it? Is that OK?

Jesus, I've read some stuff on here over the years but I'm totally shocked by this thread. You seriously need to get rid for yours and your kids sake

Tistheseason17 · 27/10/2020 14:15

Jeez, what else does this guy need to do to make you end it?
If you stay you are giving him continued permission to behave like an ass and disrespect you.
I actually think he's told you about his cheating so YOU end it and he's not seen as the bad guy hurting a family.
It's bollocks- he's the crap guy in all outcomes.
Your DC should not think it's ok to be treated like this as an adult. It's still abuse.
Just end it.

SocialBees · 27/10/2020 14:16

OP, if you stay with him I would put a lot of money on you looking back in two years time and wishing you'd made a different choice.

CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 14:17

OMG and after HIM being in the wrong he's now saying he might let you be with him? He'll 'see how it goes'.

Babe he doesn't even want you.

thecakebadge · 27/10/2020 14:19

Also I've just seen that you've said you'd be moving 80 MILES to start this 'new life' with him.
So you would take your kids out of their school. Move them away from all their friends and everything they know. Just so you could have 'that family life', whatever on earth that means.
Do not do this to your children. Even if you don't think you deserve any better(which you do), please think of them. Do not uproot their lives to move in with this horrible horrible man.

im5050 · 27/10/2020 14:20

Well at least if you stay with him you can’t say you don’t know what he is like
A cheat & happy to pay for sex
Don’t go crying when you find out he’s done it again because he’s already told that he is capable of doing it

KenAdams · 27/10/2020 14:20

@CorianderLord

OMG and after HIM being in the wrong he's now saying he might let you be with him? He'll 'see how it goes'.

Babe he doesn't even want you.

Couldn't agree more.

You know when you hear about women ending up in terrible situations and you wondered why they didn't leave even though the warning signs were there? This is your warning sign. Run.

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 14:21

Babe he doesn't even want you.

exactly

Yohoheaveho · 27/10/2020 14:24

This person should have chaos and destruction written on their T-shirt as a warning to other people

SplitEndsNHairyLegs · 27/10/2020 14:26

Oh come on, love. You haven’t been together that long in the bigger scheme of things and he’s shagging about and paying for sex (urgh). Useless creep!

You’re also a mother. You need to be beyond all this teenage ‘but I love him!’ crap and looking at things with a clear head. He’s not a good man and this isn’t a healthy relationship. Don’t be a mug.

rorosemary · 27/10/2020 14:26

I think you need more therapy if you think it's a good thing to have a man in your childrens life who does hard drugs, prostitution, cheating and lying. And you deserve better too.

Also, if a man ever tells you that you are too good for him/he doesn't deserve you or something like that, it means take the hint that I don't really love you but I'll keep using you and not feel bad about it because now I warned you.

Please do yourself a favour and not date for a while and get some therapy. You'd be happier when your self esteem and self worth is more realistic. Your children or you don't NEED a man in your lives. It's just another person who happens to have a penis. You are good enough as yourself already.

Dozer · 27/10/2020 14:36

So you prioritised your relationship with your abusive, addict ex over your DC and yourself, were considering moving 4DC 80 miles away, and are now considering staying with another abusive man with substance issues (among other things, like lying and paying for sex).

Don’t compound this by making further poor decisions!

Do you have therapy and/or supervision in your occupational role? If so, suggest discussing all this.

CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 14:40

Oh and please note that you're basically walking back into the life you led with your ex except this time he's not even your kids father and he doesn't want you that much.

A man who loves a woman will move heaven and earth to be with them. He won't even give up drugs and prostitutes. He won't even give up his desire to move elsewhere. He won't even say he definitely wants to be with you.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 14:42

How I feel knowing about it.
I feel numb

Completely numb

And I feel worthless .

To be honest I probably felt like that anyway. If you met me you would think I am a strong articulate self assured woman. Deep down inside I am a little girl who just wants to be loved and cared about . Someone to share my life with. I am chasing a dream here I know. I do know deep down. It’s just I don’t think I am strong enough after everything to go through this pain. I mean I talk to him several times a day every day. We see each other several times a week. Holidays together. We were part of each other’s lives or at least I thought we were . And I have got to let him and it go. And it hurts. I know it will hurt even more down the line. I am kicking the can down the road . I just feel very sad and alone and hurting at the moment

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 27/10/2020 14:42

Please dump him, and raise your bar. He will keep doing it. If you stay with him you are basically telling him it or OK for him to use women and get away with it.

What kind of role model are you for your children? And please get an STI check.

optimisticpessimist01 · 27/10/2020 15:03

The kids aren't stupid. I grew up in a family where my dad regularly cheated on my mum and my mum decided to stay with him for us and I wish she didn't. You don't want your kids growing up thinking this sort of behaviour is acceptable. My brother has cheated on every girlfriend he's had and I'm sure that's the reason why. Have some self respect and show your kids your worth. Be a good example to them.

You will be putting up with this for the rest of your life and he will treat you like a mug if you don't leave him now.

SocialBees · 27/10/2020 15:05

So sad for you OP Sad

jeannie46 · 27/10/2020 15:07

You think you love this man. You don't. You love your ( false) idea of him as a loving partner , possible father for your children.

This is just your refusal to face facts. He's a cheating, disrespectful, drug taking, insincere horror. He thinks a few smiles will make you forget / forgive him. And so far he's right isn't he?

Have you no moral compass at all? How can you bear to be in the same room as him,; how can you allow him to be in the same room as your children - knowing what you know?

You have allowed this criminal confidence trickster into your home and family. Will he be introducing you and/or your children into his lifestyle do you expect? Encouraging you and them to take drugs ( just so you understand him), explaining to you and them, using all his charm, how acceptable it is really nowadays to effectively rape desperate, trafficked young girls and women. Will he be cheerfully explaining to you and your daughter how you/she will be able to earn plenty of money if you just have sex occasionally with his friends? ( Just to please him, you know. You will do it if you really love him.) This is a classic way to introduce girls/women into prostitution. Will you accept this too? Is this the future you want for yourself and your children? Will you be wondering why Social Services are worried about your children? After all drug taking and prostitution is Ok isn't it?

And, you may think he's now told you everything. Of course he hasn't. Heaven knows what disgusting revelations will come your way in the future what horrendous plans he has for you. He's already planning for you to become more and more isolated by moving to a new area. He's seeing just how far he can manipulate you.

You know full well what you must do. Do it.

CorianderLord · 27/10/2020 15:14

Of course it hurts love, you had plans and he's just bollocked it all up. You're heartbroken for the man you thought he was and that's hard. But he's not that man, he's not a good father figure or partner. There are better men out there who would cherish you.

willloman · 27/10/2020 15:20

He goes to brothels.
Listen to him when he says he is 'not a nice person'.
Listen to his cheating actions.
You, and your children, do deserve better.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 15:23

He just called me on the way home from work. Not seeing him today. Didn’t ask how I am . Did ask what we had done today. But no care to ask if I am ok or anything. Just fuck this it’s shit . Just utter soul destroying shit

OP posts: