Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:57

Yes one concern is he literally has no respect and literally knows he can get away with absolutely anything. There’s no deterrent there at all and he knows it. I am sat thinking that is abusive but in a more covert way. It’s the subtle pushing of boundaries. He knew deep down ages ago he had been rumbled but carried on anyway.

One of the times he was on a holiday with a group of friends (booked before we ever met and got together) I completely trusted him and had no reason not to. Something strange happened one night with him losing quite an expensive piece of jewellery and I had this gut feeling something wasn’t right. I wondered if he had gone off with someone and been robbed. He got very defensive. I had been in hospital I’ll while he was away and it was turned back on me. I have been worrying about you and all you can do is accuse me of things I haven’t done. Turns out now i was correct
He was propositioned on the street walking back drunk to his apartment and he went off with this woman (a sex worker) he was taken somewhere and robbed of his jewellery and some money from a cash point

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 27/10/2020 13:00

Do you have a limit in mind? How many women he sticks his dick into is too many for you to ignore?

Honestly, if you want to stay with him at least try to keep your kids from bonding any more than they have, get regular std checks and always use a condom.

TwentyViginti · 27/10/2020 13:00

He BOUGHT women and it gave him a 'buzz' to do that. Ugh.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Brondie319 · 27/10/2020 13:00

Good luck posting in here by the way.
I posted similar earlier on this year, i found out the truth and instead of support i got kicked out because people accused me of being fake as the truth was so 'unbelievable'. I have no friends or support and was completely and utterly alone.
It broke me.
I hope you get a better result

madcatladyforever · 27/10/2020 13:02

Christ just split up, he pretty much told you to go and hasn't asked for another chance. He sounds like a charmer who isn't invested in your family at all.
He doesn't seem that bothered if you break up with him.
You really must get some self respect from somewhere. I'd rather be on my own than be treated like this.

WhatamessIgotinto · 27/10/2020 13:02

This is the happiest we have all been in such a long time. I don’t want to hurt them

You haven't hurt them. He has.

Why would anyone want to allow their kids in a mix like this? He's an unfaithful twat. Do NOT put yourself, or your children in a position where he can hurt you again. I don't know why you would even consider it.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 13:04

I felt completely emotionless and numb when he confessed. I think even he was taken aback how calm and collected I was. It was almost a relief to know I had been right all along. It was the next morning I woke up and had huge waves of anxiety flooding me and it’s been like it since. This all happened Saturday night by the way so it’s all new and raw.

Support wise I don’t have loads. One female friend I have told , I broke down crying hysterically at my mums yesterday and told her I literally felt broken. She just said get rid and that was it. No hug no how are you. That was it. I will be honest now I feel very very alone (I know I have the children )but no one really who I can talk to , no one to put an arm round me or come and be with me and care for me a little bit

OP posts:
Parker231 · 27/10/2020 13:05

How do you love someone who cheats on you? One time is too much.

Yohoheaveho · 27/10/2020 13:05

This man is just bad news 😡 get rid please 🙏

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 13:06

@Brondie319 oh ! Sorry to hear that . How have things worked out for you and what has helped. I hope I can draw on support here as I don’t have lot of other places to turn to be truthful

OP posts:
TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 27/10/2020 13:06

God he sounds revolting. Your kids will get over his loss, don't worry about that.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 13:08

@Parker231

It’s that thing of grieving who I thought he was and the future I thought we were going to have. And also trying to tally the two sides of him as I knew a different side . Maybe it’s the fact it’s so new and raw I have tried to picture it and I can’t even do that. I feel utterly blank and numb except for what I describe as waves of anxiety crashing over me

OP posts:
thecakebadge · 27/10/2020 13:08

You may have been happy with him for the past two years but you won’t be now. You can’t possibly be after knowing what he’s done to you.

It also sounds like he’s not that fussed about saving the relationship. He’s doing the “I’m a piece of shit, I don’t deserve you” routine in the hope you’ll feel sorry for him. He has treated you disgustingly and also treated your children badly; you trusted him to be a part of your family and instead he runs off with sex workers.

Also don’t buy any of the crap about “turning into a different person” or “there’s two sides to him”. People are just themselves. They can be fairly shitty people whilst still also being funny or doing nice things sometimes - it’s not black and white. It doesn’t mean he has a different side to him that you can just ignore. It means that overall he is a dick.

Finally, you know it’s not mandatory to have to put up with shit like this in exchange for someone making you happy some of the time. You would be better off single and just be happy with your kids rather than with a cheating asshole.

BadgerHonour · 27/10/2020 13:09

He’s treated you terribly. He was gaslighting you with he cheating and turned things back on you.
He bought people and he could have made you ill from it.
He doesn’t care about your children because he is doing this to the family unit you’ve built up.
He doesn’t seem sorry, it sounds like he wants someone to look after him and say he’s not too damaged to be loved.
Apart from looking for sex he isn’t proactive, certainly not in apologising and changing.

I’m sorry you don’t have support from friends, but you’re not going to get it from him either.

You broke down and cried to your mum and didn’t get a hug etc, that’s hard. I’m a tactile person too and would have wanted a hug. However you’re not going to fill this gap with him.

He sounds positively horrible. Parent yourself, be kind and take care of yourself. Show your children that you know your worth (for them to mirror in their own lives). You will all be better off without him.

Lollyneenah · 27/10/2020 13:11

Oh man, I'm so sorry you're going through this Flowers of course you need a bloody hug! Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug your way.
OP, you do NOT need a man to complete you or your children's lives. Not at all. They're happy because their mum has been happy, not because of this dickhead joining them on meals out.
It sounds like hes done with the relationship so I think you need to accept that. It hurts but you can be happy and complete without him.
Like this christmas, I'm sure you would have bought him something lovely, well spend all that money on yourself, treat yourself exactly as you want to be treated.
At the moment you're vulnerable, and that is so easy for abusive men to sniff out. You need to build yourself up and get strong.

Have you ever been to womens aid? Even for a cup of tea and a chat?

CookieClub · 27/10/2020 13:12

@Feelinglost006

I felt completely emotionless and numb when he confessed. I think even he was taken aback how calm and collected I was. It was almost a relief to know I had been right all along. It was the next morning I woke up and had huge waves of anxiety flooding me and it’s been like it since. This all happened Saturday night by the way so it’s all new and raw.

Support wise I don’t have loads. One female friend I have told , I broke down crying hysterically at my mums yesterday and told her I literally felt broken. She just said get rid and that was it. No hug no how are you. That was it. I will be honest now I feel very very alone (I know I have the children )but no one really who I can talk to , no one to put an arm round me or come and be with me and care for me a little bit

Hi, You poor thing - I am sending you a virtual hug. I too was cheated on and had my heart broken and it's been absolutely soul destroying at times.

I noticed you said that you recognise you're co-dependent. Can I ask how soon you met this guy after coming out of your previous abusive marriage?
As it may be that it was rebound for the wrong reason..when we're feeling vulnerable/low or insecure, we draw in narcissistic people.

Your current partner sounds like an absolute tool to be honest, zero respect, zero remorse and it sounds like he is gaslighting you, as you gave examples of where he as 'turned' things onto you to deflect from him.

You don't live together, you aren't tied financially, so it would be an easy clean break. Obviously the kids will be upset, but what's important is a happy mum. Get yourself some counselling, get strong and empowered and sure of yourself so that you're no longer co-dependent...and get rid of this arse hole of a man who has zero respect for himself or you. Also Id be arranging an STI test if I were you, he's been with numerous women and sounds vile.

Take care of yourself x

Dozer · 27/10/2020 13:13

Have you dumped him and gone no contact?

If not, then do so asap. Anything else is just self destructive, and also bad for your DC now that it’s clear who he is.

You can’t ‘make it work’ with someone who behaves as he has.

Yohoheaveho · 27/10/2020 13:13

Here's a hug from me
(((❤️)))
Please close the door on this man

BlueThistles · 27/10/2020 13:13

OP you need to find some self respect and get this seedy selfish Cretin away from your children!? what the hell are you thinking even considering this cretin as an option? is your self esteem so low !?

Oxyiz · 27/10/2020 13:15

That must have been a horrible shock for you OP, but getting away from him is the best thing you could do for you and your family.

I know that not everyone thinks this, but I don't believe that consent can be bought, or that you can assume that prostitutes have a free and informed choice in what they do. Prostitution is a systemised form of rape and abuse towards women. Men who use them do not respect women. He is not a nice guy.

KenAdams · 27/10/2020 13:15

So whats on the table here is a man who lies to you, cheats on you and sleeps with sex workers and will continue to do all these things. Are you happy to put up with that so you can have a fake happy family (because it certainly can't be genuine)?

coffeeandjuice · 27/10/2020 13:18

Sorry haven't had chance to read all the

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/10/2020 13:18

As a PP said, you've gone from one abusive man to another, you need to break the cycle and work through why and recommend you do the freedom programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

You also need to get a sti check asap.

And obviously you need to bin this guy, he's not sorry, his woe is me act is to reel you back in and gain sympathy. You're not his psychiatrist. He's abusive to women. Full stop. Please don't carry on being one of those women, you deserve so much more than his abuse. Cake

Requinblanc · 27/10/2020 13:19

You are not living together, he had sex with other women, he does not want to commit to you.

I am sorry but what else do you need to know?

He simply takes what you give but has no intention of ever being your full-time long term partner.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/10/2020 13:20

Sorry that was meant to be Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread