He’s cheated multiple times :(

[Feelinglost006]

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

Just getting lots of thoughts out there as and when they come up.

He was a friend of mine in a wider social circle before we got together. We got together a year after me and ex split. Had dealings with women’s aid as I had to get a non mol against ex during the divorce process. Ex sees kids a few hrs a week and isn’t very supportive or involved. I have 4 kids and work full time in a very demanding role which solely consists of helping others many of whom have addiction and mental health issues to give some insight about me.

I'm an ex MH worker - I don't see the relevance to your current situation?

What advice would you give to your daughter if she were grown up and in this situation?

@Feelinglost006

Just getting lots of thoughts out there as and when they come up.

He was a friend of mine in a wider social circle before we got together. We got together a year after me and ex split. Had dealings with women’s aid as I had to get a non mol against ex during the divorce process. Ex sees kids a few hrs a week and isn’t very supportive or involved. I have 4 kids and work full time in a very demanding role which solely consists of helping others many of whom have addiction and mental health issues to give some insight about me.

Okay so your demanding role means you give the best of yourself to everyone else..but you're not looking after NUMBER ONE and realising your own self worth.

How did you find out about your partner cheating, did he admit? Did you accuse and he admitted it, or he just came out with it?

Sorry OP, you've only been together for a couple of years and he's cheated four times. There is absolutely nothing here for him, please block him and find someone else who actually wants to be with you and your family.

@Feelinglost006

Just getting lots of thoughts out there as and when they come up.

He was a friend of mine in a wider social circle before we got together. We got together a year after me and ex split. Had dealings with women’s aid as I had to get a non mol against ex during the divorce process. Ex sees kids a few hrs a week and isn’t very supportive or involved. I have 4 kids and work full time in a very demanding role which solely consists of helping others many of whom have addiction and mental health issues to give some insight about me.

Basically you are a “fixer”. You help put together broken people. I suspect you are rather good at your job.

And now you have another broken person. So your instinct is to fix them too. But that isn’t healthy. You need someone who doesn’t need fixing - someone who can take care of you sometimes.

OP this is so sad to read. You deserve to be with someone you can trust, not someone who is addicted to paying for sex. If you stay with him, you're just delaying the inevitable. Rip off the plaster OP

There were lots of things over a period of time. Strange text on his phone , finding out he was doing coke with his friends on a night out. That’s when he called a brothel at 5am one morning a few hours before we were meeting up to have Sunday lunch together. He said he called and never went through with it. On that occasion I actually don’t think he did but it made me dig around and he denied denied the whole way through. I knew he was lying. I just couldn’t prove it and during that time he ended it saying it wouldn’t work as he knew he had fucked up and I wouldn’t trust him . He also wants long term to move about 80 miles away closer to his friends who have settled down and brought places and started families and closer to his siblings. It would mean me and my family moving and me transferring jobs. I have no issue doing this. But now all this has come out. As I say I am swinging one way and another at the moment. Some women turn a blind eye don’t they to have that family (I know it sounds mad as my house is my own he has his own house and we don’t have kids together so there’s no rational reason for this ) I have done the whole pick me shit. He says he loves us all and is so happy with us all and doesn’t know why he’s hurt me like this. He feels terrible seeing me upset and crying because of him. Part of me thinks if we gave it a proper go living together we could all be really happy . On the other hand it’s the fear of facing the pain which is keeping me like this . I am scared. I don’t know what of exactly I can’t articulate it. Maybe feeling I won’t know love again. Who’s going to want a woman with four kids . I have so much love to give. I keep a nice home I try hard at work. I feel so lost and alone

Does he actually want you to move with him? I thought he had ended the relationship because he was ‘hurting you too much?’

He’s cheated many times and by the sounds of it, he had chosen to end your relationship. Please don’t beg him to reconsider.

@Mumoftwoyoungkids
Yes you have the nail on the head . My ex husband was a drinker and used drugs. I prided myself that I was young (10 years younger than him ) and stuck it out for almost 20 years and loved and supported him. I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. It was me who did eventually end it and divorced him.
Now I find myself in a similar situation. Someone who on nights out drinks too much the cocaine comes out and then he cheats as it kicks off that sexual urge . This isn’t day in day out it might be every few weeks or months but it doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t be once at all ever. Literally he would have kicked my arse to the far side of fuck had I done this to him.

He keeps saying he’s trying to improve himself and be a better person. To be fair he has tried but I think it’s been the bare minimum and a bit of half hearted lip service. He’s losing weight. He did stop smoking but had now started again now and then. He says he’s trying to cut the coke down and in his words keep it to special occasions only. He’s trying to get savings behind him which he’s done . I am guessing from all this the coke is the biggest thing and the driver of it all and all this behaviour . He wouldn’t be doing it sober or not under the influence.

You mean you and your kids were the happiest you've ever been before until you found out your whole relationship and the man you thought he was, is a utter complete lie?

You're setting yourself for a lifetime of misery aswell as your kids, don't drag them along too. You have a choice, they don't. You will be forever checking and waiting for him to do it again, which he will. He couldn't give two shits when he was out cheating. You and your kids deserve so much better, fuck living like that you'll end up a nervous wreck op

In your follow-up post I thought you were going to say 'co-workers' which would have been bad enough.

Someone who gets a "buzz" from buying the sexual consent of women (I use the term 'consent' loosely, because I think we all know that the majority of women in the sex trade are in fact trapped by their circumstances, and very vulnerable) is unequivocally NOT a good person, or someone you should have around your children, no matter how much they think they might think they like him.

Jeez, four times in two years and it would’ve been more if the brothels had been open, or the sex workers had been available. Well, he sounds like an absolute delight.
Sorry to hear this Op, it must be devastating to find out. But you surely cannot be contemplating staying with him after this - especially after he also revealed if the shoe were on the other foot he wouldn’t forgive cheating. You need to prioritise yourself and your children and walk away from this piece of shit.

Yeah he ended it saying I deserve better and it’s the best decision for us both but the location of where we live was a big factor. He said there was no point in staying in a relationship for a few more years knowing I wouldn’t move there as it’s pointless and I see that point. He never actually asked me if I would he admits he just assumed I wouldn’t be prepared to go. In actual fact I would. It’s a nicer area. We would have a lovely house there and I could transfer internally with work and be on slightly better money. With that in mind now he said it does change things and he would like to spend a few nights a week together with the aim of living together properly as a family unit and then making the move in the next 18 months or so. Then he said let’s see how it goes I don’t want to make any promises but that he would like to spend more time with us

So if he cut the coke use to special occasions only, you would be ok with that?

I think you need to question why you have such low standards for yourself (and, by association, for your kids). I don't know why you would want a man like this in your child's lives. Do you want their memories of their Mum to be of her putting up with shitty, cheating drug users? And if you think the kids won't know or notice, they definitely will eventually. They pick up so much more than we realise and many adults talk of things that they know were going on at home or in their parents' lives that they still to this day don't think the kids knew.

Oh god, and he uses coke too.
That’s no excuse. Just makes him even more pitiful. Dump and block.
A PP suggested the Freedom Programme. Defo worth looking into.

I just read your update, why are you so desperate to stay with this man? He is basically trying to split up with you, and has admitted to cheating with prostitutes multiple times, and yet you're saying you would be willing to move to a new area with him and 'see how it goes'? Why would you uproot your children's lives like this for a man who treats you like shit.

Jesus, I have just seen he is into coke as well. How can you possibly think this is a good person to have in your children's lives? Please, for their sake, get rid of this useless, woman-abusing, drug-taking scumbag

It’s like you’re trying to convince him to stay with you.

Some women turn a blind eye don’t they to have that family

No OP.. they do not

I mean, its not like he kissed someone on a night out, pissed out of his face. He planned and arranged to cheat on you multiple times, there is no coming back from that. It wouldn't even surprise me if its a lot more than 4 times either

@Feelinglost006

Yeah he ended it saying I deserve better and it’s the best decision for us both but the location of where we live was a big factor. He said there was no point in staying in a relationship for a few more years knowing I wouldn’t move there as it’s pointless and I see that point. He never actually asked me if I would he admits he just assumed I wouldn’t be prepared to go. In actual fact I would. It’s a nicer area. We would have a lovely house there and I could transfer internally with work and be on slightly better money. With that in mind now he said it does change things and he would like to spend a few nights a week together with the aim of living together properly as a family unit and then making the move in the next 18 months or so. Then he said let’s see how it goes I don’t want to make any promises but that he would like to spend more time with us

You absolute fool.

Your children deserve better.

Prostitutes, drugs, alcohol, cheating.

You left and rebuilt and walk straight back into it?

Good God.

Your most recent update says HE ended it, and it was because of the location. Because HE assumed you wouldn’t move.
But how do YOU feel about his cheating? And the way he has treated you? Put this location bollocks aside. That’s a red herring.

I have forgiven cheating in the past as it's not black and white but I couldn't forgive sex workers. That's not a drunk mistake that's a planned out infidelity which uses women who you don't know are working of their own free will. Disgusting and he's risked your health.