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Still love someone who tried to / did cheat

(108 Posts)
Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:08:40

Posted before under different username ages ago . In a nut shell was in a relationship 15+ yrs married kids etc. We split up and divorced as he was abusive. Later on I met someone else (started as friends - grew into more) were happy or I was and he said he was. All good for 14 months then I found texts. Showed he had called sex workers. Denied anything had happened and I had no proof. We split then got back together for a while then he ended it again. Said he had ruined things , that the trust would never come back , my family would all hate him he had let me down and treated me badly etc. He also said he wanted his own kids one day and I can’t medically have anymore . Me and my kids love him. He’s been here for all the things in our lives birthday Christmases holidays etc plus day to day. Doesn’t live with me though.

We split but stayed in touch as friends. Friends only. Not been sleeping together . The longer it goes on the more I miss him. It actually physically hurts . I saw him yesterday as he came over for dinner and he was showing me something on his phone and I saw the app for tinder on there. I felt very upset and he said I am not getting any younger (he 32) and if I want to settle down and have kids of my own I need to look and try and meet someone.

He then also said when we started talking about wverything he still loves me cares about me and us all and misses me. Loves spending time with us all. But is scared if we try again his feelings of wanting his own kids will still be there and we could split again years down the line which will be harder on everyone or that he could end up resenting me.

He also says he doesn’t deserve another chance as he’s hurt me too much and us not being together is best for both of us in the long run. I love him so very much . We talked a lot and he said some days he’s made the right decision and other days he questions it and wishes we were together

I want us to work on things as I think we could be happy again if we gave it a proper go. He said he just needs time to think as he needs to sort himself out . He’s gone to work today and I won’t see him now probably until next week as he’s spending the weekend with family. I miss him so much already and I am trying not to message or crowd or put pressure on him. My anxiety is so bad today I have come home and gone to bed (I am on annual leave ) I feel sick sweaty want to keep crying. I just want this pain to go away and for us to be happy again

OP’s posts: |
AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit Thu 08-Oct-20 12:15:07

Cut ties. It's the only way to get over him. He's right - he doesn't deserve you.

Lonelynow Thu 08-Oct-20 12:17:30

@stilllovehim01 he doesn't want you. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but he's keeping you as a backup plan. I've literally just gone through something similar with my partner of 10 years, he actually left me for someone else and we went through 2 months of the pretending to be friends before he came back properly and we were sleeping together. One week later he's dropped me for someone else again.

If he wanted you he would be groveling at your door, but he isn't you have to let go of the future you imagined, it isn't what he wants. Trust me I know its tough. Give him space and show him you're moving on, he will probably appear groveling again but you deserve someone who is certain about your relationship. X

category12 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:19:58

How would this ever work?

- He's abusive,
- he cheated
- he's not even consistent about wanting to try again
- and he wants more children and you can't have them.

I think your anxiety is probably your body trying to tell you how wrong this all is for you. It's more addiction than love.

I think you cannot possibly have given moving on a fair shot while you have been in so much contact.

You're clinging on for dear life to a man who is not worth a single tear.

Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:20:35

How do I do it. It’s only been a few hours and I miss him so much. I have been ok for weeks / months. Didn’t miss him at all but was nice when we did catch up. Now I feel this absolutely intense aching pain. I actually feel ill

OP’s posts: |
Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:22:11

He doesn’t have any children at all.

He calls me every day like we were still together. Said last night he should have done more to include me in his life. I have not text him today trying not to be emotional or clingy

OP’s posts: |
category12 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:25:01

You need to treat it like going cold turkey. He's your heroin. So you cut contact and fill your life with positive activities and self-care.

Love isn't painful, it shouldn't feel like this, you shouldn't be thrown into crisis by brief separation.

artyandtarty Thu 08-Oct-20 12:28:21

Hmm think I remember your previous thread op... does he take drugs too?

newnameforthis123 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:35:56

Is this the guy who took drugs and you also found a condom at his place?

Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:40:16

Yes it is sad
He just says he’s so sorry for bringing so much sadness to my life and he hates himself for what he’s done. Most times he sees me I get upset

OP’s posts: |
Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:41:01

I just want things to go back to how they were pre Feb. We were really happy

OP’s posts: |
raininthemiddleofthenight Thu 08-Oct-20 12:43:46

You need to stay away from him. Even if you love him. The way he's treating you is really really cruel. Sorry but he's horrible. If he was a genuine person he'd be honest and upfront and say he wants kids of his own and so it can't work. He's stringing you along. There's someone better out there for you I'm sure, and torturing yourself over this idiot isn't the way to find them. He'll always be a twat probably, but you can be happy. He may well regret losing you.

category12 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:46:56

You were happy in the first 14 months. That's the really early stages, the honeymoon period, where you're getting to know each other and are all loved up.

After that, you have discovered who he really is.

Come on now, op. Everything being rosy for the first year is nothing compared to how he's behaved since. You need to get a grip of yourself and stop this.

Get therapy. Do the Freedom programme.

newnameforthis123 Thu 08-Oct-20 12:58:40

Oh my goodness I'm sorry but I can't believe you're still in touch with him. He is AWFUL.

You think you were happy together before February? He was taking drugs and using sex workers, you just didn't know it yet.

Your children deserve a mum who disengages with such an awful person. He is not someone who should be in their life and you're the gatekeeper - close the gate.

Have you had counselling? Please start.

This is serious now, you're wasting time and energy that could be spent on moving on, on self improvement, on your children...

Dery Thu 08-Oct-20 13:02:33

"You need to treat it like going cold turkey. He's your heroin. So you cut contact and fill your life with positive activities and self-care."

Exactly this.

This guy is no use to you as a partner. He has demonstrated that very clearly. You're wasting your time pining for him. And trying to remain friends will prevent you from moving on. You have to go no contact.

Get busy and distracted. Even if you can't go out, there are many things you can do indoors - take up a craft/run a virtual marathon/learn an instrument/learn a language etc. Many years ago, my sister took up the piano to get over a heartbreak and now plays to Grade 8 standard. She loves it. (She has also since met and married the love of her life).

Allow yourself a short period per day to feel the pain and upset and the rest of the time get as busy and distracted as possible. For a while, it will hurt, probably rather a lot. Be prepared for that. But over time the hurt will fade.

Remember this too will pass. Your future self with thank you for having had the strength to cut him out of your life and enabled yourself to move on.

Savemyusername Thu 08-Oct-20 13:03:32

I don’t know why you are still seeing him. He told you he didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You have to accept it and not think you could be happy if you work on it. He doesn’t want to. He is being quite cruel by still seeing you and giving you hope.

Apart from his behaviour which is vile (I remember your other thread) he wants children which you can’t have so how is that going to work?

artyandtarty Thu 08-Oct-20 13:04:02

FFS Op I remember your previous thread, the condom, the drugs etc...

Oh dear.

And get a grip.

artyandtarty Thu 08-Oct-20 13:18:20

OP is not going to change. She is continuing to date the druggy & have him around her kids, probably whilst he's got the drugs in one pocket & the condoms in the other pocket for the shag he's going to get after he's left hers.
In life you are responsible for your own decisions & most of the time those decisions ultimately lead to your own happiness/unhappiness.
You are choosing this. You know he isn't going to change.
If you was my friend in real life op I wouldn't he hanging around listening to you harping on about this shit again like a broken record. How exactly do you think a bunch of strangers can help you here? You was told countless times before to leave this shit show but no ... here we are ... you are still there & nothing has changed.

YOU ARE. MOTHER FOR FUCK SAKE SORT YOURSELF OUT & FIND SOME SELF RESPECT!

malbecchio Thu 08-Oct-20 13:20:02

https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3982491-Struggling-with-break-up-want-to-make-it-work

I mean this kindly, but you need intensive counselling and real life support if you think you were ever "really happy" with this guy, and that you can be again.

You have three children, please do not subject them to this train wreck of a "relationship" (quotation marks intentional; it really isn't one) any more.

Why are you even asking for more advice on this??? You've had numerous threads and pages and pages of obsessing over this loser, and you obviously have no intention of stopping, or even trying to, so you and your kids can have some semblance of a future.

It's disingenuous to keep asking strangers on the internet to keep giving their well-intentioned, measured advice and sharing their own experiences and wisdom to help you and your family when you have no intention of helping yourself.

RantyAnty Thu 08-Oct-20 13:35:29

You've really got to stop.
When you're talking to him daily and cooking dinner for him, how are you supposed to get over him.

It's your life but every minute you spend with this loser in your head, is another minute of your life wasted.

Make the list of every rotten thing he's done.
Block him on everything.
Any time you get the urge to contact him take out that list and read it until the urge goes away.

Leimarel Thu 08-Oct-20 13:36:04

I don't think you actually want advice. You want to keep this despicable human being in your life, regardless of his many faults. Get some self-esteem and kick him to the kerb.

yesterdaystotalsteps123 Thu 08-Oct-20 13:40:01

Watch the YouTube channel live abuse free. He's a loser. Your children need you happy and healthy

Stilllovehim01 Thu 08-Oct-20 13:41:08

I had counselling after my marriage broke up for many many months. I also had medication for anxiety and depression. Since summer I have changed meds twice trying to get the correct combination to work for me. I have actually spoken to my GP this morning about my anxiety they are now going to try me on setraline. I am not sitting passive and doing nothing.

Similarly I am not bending the ear of friends and family. I don’t burden them with my life or feelings. As far as they are concerned all is good. We are not together and it’s for the best.

I should re iterate we are not sleeping together or behaving intimately in all way. I don’t do casual or fwb so that’s why I haven’t. I have posted again as I was doing really well for ages and it’s suddenly hit me all over again.

OP’s posts: |
Lozzerbmc Thu 08-Oct-20 13:44:54

Seeing him is picking at the scab. You need to allow yourself to heal and not see him any more. He probably does care as friends but doesnt want romantic relationship. Men like to get what they want, so he wouldnt be bothered about what hes done if he really wanted you. Im sorry you’re hurting but you have to end the torture of yourself and let him go.

newnameforthis123 Thu 08-Oct-20 13:47:58

I had counselling after my marriage broke up for many many months.

But not since breaking up with this guy? Because that's what you need counselling about - why you are prioritising this joke of a man over your own mental health and your responsibility to not surround your kids with drug addict cheats or model such poor a relationship dynamic to them.

If your counselling after your divorce had been successful you wouldnt have slipped into another dysfunctional and damaging relationship. You need to have counselling again, urgently and cut contact with him.

He'll get a new girlfriend, get her pregnant, have a child etc and he'll keep you hanging on knowing you're desperate for him to say he loves you and wants you back. Can you see how crazy that is when HE is the one who has cheated, lied, been on drugs etc?!

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