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Original poster

He’s cheated multiple times :(

217 replies

Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:16

NC
Been with partner 2 years . No kids together. I have kids from previous relationship to exH which was a long relationship and abusive

We don’t live together or share finances. If we go out he pays one time I pay the next. We both work full time. I love him , kids all like him and enjoy the time we spend together. He stays at mine a couple of times a week I stay at his sometimes (less ofrwn) has Christmas together all the usual stuff.

Had my suspicions for lots of reasons but after months of denying and us splitting up with him saying we want different things and he’s scared his whole life is mapped out for him (he’s early 30s I am mid30s ) he admitted at the weekend after a few drinks he’s cheated. 4 times.

Once with a ons in a club. The others were workers . First time we had been together 3 months .

He says he loves me and kids we make him happy he doesn’t know why he did it and he’s ashamed. I deserve better and best thing is he walks away as he keeps hurting me and doesn’t deserve another chance. (He’s not actually asked for one to be honest ) he keeps saying he doesn’t know what he wants isn’t a good person etc.

I want the relationship to work. I love him. I love spending time with him. I am going to upset the kids if he’s not around as they love him in their lives. We have talked about moving in together first at mine as it’s easier and if it didn’t work I will still have our home but with the long term plan to buy somewhere together which is our home and a fresh start together.

Am I mad ? My head says one thing. Heart says another. I am in a lot of pain and my anxiety which I do suffer with is off the scale I am finding it hard to function and trying to shut it all out.

I am probably putting off the inevitable as I know it’s going to hurt so much and I can’t face the pain of it

Anyone ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:18

Others were sex workers that should say .

There’s been many more times he’s called or gone to brothels and them not been open or had no one to visit him

OP posts:
Branleuse · 27/10/2020 12:21

you move on. You tell the kids "im sorry but he turned out to be a dick and cheated and noone should have to put up with being treated badly"

Get yourself an STI check.
Im really sorry @Feelinglost006 Its a horrible feeling x

Sunnydaysstillhere · 27/10/2020 12:22

Seriously op you can't drag your dc along on this turbulent road...
He isn't a partner.
He is a cheating twat.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:22

This is the happiest we have all been in such a long time. I don’t want to hurt them

OP posts:
Skyla2005 · 27/10/2020 12:22

So sorry this is happening you must be in a state. This is really hard but you busy listen to what his saying to you. He doesn’t want this relationship with you. His trying to say it in a way that won’t hurt you but that’s impssible. I think you need to accept its over. How can you trust him from now on. You and your children deserve better than his excuses. If you take him back even though that’s not what his asking but if you try and work it out he will have zero respect for you after all he has done and you still would forgive him so you have to be strong and end this. Hope your ok concentrate on your children and take each day at a time it will get easier.

cmace2 · 27/10/2020 12:24

KNOW YOUR WORTH 👸🏼

BertieBloopsMum · 27/10/2020 12:25

@Feelinglost006

Others were sex workers that should say .

There’s been many more times he’s called or gone to brothels and them not been open or had no one to visit him

So he would have slept with prostitutes many, many more times, had he been able to.

You're living a lie here, it's very upsetting but when he shows you who he is - believe him..

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/10/2020 12:25

This is the one time you don’t put the kids first. It’s about you, and your happiness.

Kids aren’t stupid!! They know an unholy relationship and how can you be happy knowing he’s not only cheated but sort out paying for sex?

How can you be happy wondering where he is who’s he with if he’s spending your money on sex workers? If he’s bringing back disease?

Sunnydaysstillhere · 27/10/2020 12:26

But it isn't you hurting them is it?
What happens if you get an sti?
What are you accepting such treatment of yourself?
Raise your bar op. You need to show dc you won't be treated so shabbily.

Branleuse · 27/10/2020 12:26

kids are much more adaptable than you think. Its not their dad. You dont even live together. You arent obliged to be treated like shit just because your kids quite like someone.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:28

He’s freely admitted he knows it’s hypocritical but he wouldn’t forgive someone who did this. He also said each time was when he was ‘fucked up’ after heavy nights out . And one comment he said paying for it is a different type of buzz.

Ages ago when I had suspicions due to strange activity on his phone (I took a look which he knows) he admitted a few years ago when he was very much single he spent quite a lot of money using escorts. I put it down to being single a bit lonely and horny and it being something which happened. I have this voice in my head saying it’s actually more likely an addiction or compulsion and one he will keep turning back to

OP posts:
Deadringer · 27/10/2020 12:30

My God he sounds disgusting! Get rid of him, you will never know a day's peace of mind if you don't.

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:32

I thought we had all found our happy future after a lot of shit . Everyone said how happy I was and how happy and thriving the children are. My job is one where I spend my time looking after other people and concentrating on their needs. I fully realise I am co dependant and this is now hysterical bonding.

I didn’t have a dad around. It was my mum on her own who raised me. Ironically she is a very strong woman who takes no shit. I guess i just want to be loved and have a happy little family and home and I thought I had that.

OP posts:
Hiccupiscal · 27/10/2020 12:34

You don't know him at all, op. Now you do, and I bet there's more than just those few times he's told you about the sex workers...
Hes also telling you he doesnt want you and the kids. Im so sorry op, but its the truth.
Hes not the man you had in your head, you know the real him now, and the kids will be OK.
I had my DC know a man I dated for about the same amount of time as yours, we have been split for a few years now, its very rarely my DC mention him and its usually when qomethibg has jogged thier memories of him.
The kids have mummy. They will be fine.
What isn't fine is being a cheat, who uses sex workers.

You honestly deserve better, he won't change or stop (and doesn't want too) and you need to get a STD test ASAP.

2me2u2u2me · 27/10/2020 12:35

So you're the happiest you've been in a long time but now you have found out what he's done are you happy in the knowledge he's cheated on you 4 times, (that he's admitted btw) the first times only 3 months in when it should be the honeymoon period?! And, many more times he's gone to brothels etc, he's not going to stop you know.

OMG, please leave and do not allow him to treat you this way. Understandable you don't want to hurt your kids but you will hurt them more by staying as it will only get worse, he's got no respect for you.

Weirdfan · 27/10/2020 12:36

Listen to that voice OP, he thinks consent can be bought and that alone should be enough to have you running for the hills. As cmace2 said, KNOW YOUR WORTH Flowers

TeaAndHobnob · 27/10/2020 12:41

You said your previous relationship was abusive. Well, this one is too.

He is disgusting. I don't understand how you can bear to be in the same room as a man who thinks women can be bought. I don't say that to bring you down, but to show how bad your boundaries are. His behaviour is awful, really awful.

He has to go and for goodness sake get some counselling before you embark on another relationship.

Belladonna123 · 27/10/2020 12:46

@Feelinglost006

I am so sorry, your distress through your post is all too clear. I'm not going to say its easy because it's not. I'm not going to say you will sail through a break up with a man who has cheated on you multiple times because you won't. If you already suffer from anxiety I can only imagine the deep physical pain you are in.
But.. You deserve better than this. Most of all, he is not being a positive influence in your kids lives as he has wounded their mother deeply. How would your kids feel if they could see your pain right now, knowing he was the cause of it? All too many women on here have been where you are and the advice they offer is an attempt at supporting you through this. Its good advice.

  1. Make your decision and stick to it
  2. Get a support network around you even if all that means is the freedom to offload on here
  3. Tell your kids it's nothing to do with them this man isn't in their lives anymore so they don't feel that way.
  4. Look after yourself. Even if all that means is getting washed, dressed, make up on, hair done. I promise you will feel better for it
  5. Stay away from social media as this more than anything will break you
  6. Keep busy. Make yourself do things.

These things worked for me through my own pain. I hoe they help. Best of luck to you and your kids op FlowersWine

10questions · 27/10/2020 12:49

Why has he told you? I would think it’s because he wants to end the relationship and there’s no way back after you know he has been using sex workers throughout your relationship. Except you don’t want to end it. You really must though.

I can’t believe how the use of prostitutes is becoming so normalised that women are prepared to overlook it or tolerate it or play it down so they can stay in a relationship.

Morgan12 · 27/10/2020 12:49

Do you honestly want to be with a man who views women as mere commodities?

Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:50

Yes it’s like two sides the side who likes the stable family life and then he leaves goes home and the other side comes out . He has said (before this confession) things like he thinks he’s probably too damaged to ever have a relationship all he’s done is constantly bring shit to my door. I had an ex of his messaging me not so long ago being really abusive to me personally and basically launching a character assassination on us both. Again you could tell he felt incredibly guilty that his lifestyle was bringing problems to me.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 27/10/2020 12:50

Don't feel like you have to stay with him because the kids like him. You'll find someone else, who isn't a cheating dick, and the kids will like them too. Do not put your kids through more of this mess. He won't change, and you'll constantly feel paranoid.

MonClareDevole · 27/10/2020 12:51

@Feelinglost006

He’s freely admitted he knows it’s hypocritical but he wouldn’t forgive someone who did this. He also said each time was when he was ‘fucked up’ after heavy nights out . And one comment he said paying for it is a different type of buzz.

Ages ago when I had suspicions due to strange activity on his phone (I took a look which he knows) he admitted a few years ago when he was very much single he spent quite a lot of money using escorts. I put it down to being single a bit lonely and horny and it being something which happened. I have this voice in my head saying it’s actually more likely an addiction or compulsion and one he will keep turning back to

He wouldn’t forgive it - if you forgive him then he will have even less respect for you than he’s had over the last 2 years. And you’ll be setting an awful example for your children. It’ll hurt for a while, but so much less pain in the long run. If you let your children become closer to him and decide in 5 years you can no longer put up with the continued cheating, it’ll have much worse an impact. Leave him now and keep your dignity.
Original poster
Feelinglost006 · 27/10/2020 12:53

I said to him why now and he said it was he’d had a few drinks and it makes a lot of ppl more open and emotional. Something he mentioned and I said outright. Come on what really happened and he told me. Once that was out I asked about some other things and he told me

OP posts:
Beamur · 27/10/2020 12:56

He isn't the person you thought he was.
There's no happy ending here.
Let him go. You deserve much better.
He's a cheater and a liar.