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Original poster

Our life is falling apart

210 replies

WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:09

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. We have 2 children age 3 and 5. We had a perfectly normal relationship, we argue, we make up, were generally happy in our relationship. He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

About 2 weeks ago he started doing some extra work for somebody who asked if he could sell car parts and dismantle some cars he's brought damaged. (He is a mechanic.) Of course he can sell car parts we have an eBay account where we sell our own things and he's a mechanic he can take parts off with his eyes closed. However this was not what was going on, the man who he was doing this for was running a chop shop and he was actually stealing the cars and getting my partner to take them apart.

Police were called last Tuesday, my partner got arrested. The police came to my house and said it was now a crime scene i wasnt allowed to stay at home. My sister found out because she lives close by where he was caught so obviously saw all of the police and came straight to my house to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything etc... just being a good sister and good auntie to our kids. My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't! We had a big row and he just wouldn't listen at all to anything I had to say. He went to his moms early hours of Thursday and I haven't seen him since. His mom says that she hasnt seen him, so me being worried about him reported him missing last night. The police came out to speak to me and phoned his mom whilst they were here... who told them he's perfectly fine but doesnt want to see me at all and stop contacting her!! I am absolutely fuming angry raging all of the above because nobody has thought about how this has made me feel. I'm so worried about what's going to happen and him hiding away isn't helping how I'm feeling. Does nobody think I have a right to know what has happened? Am I just over reacting? My emotions are very much all over the place at the monent.

Long thread I'm sorry, it's probably confusing but please just read it a few times and if you have any advice on what I should do please get in contact. Please no unhelpful advice or judgemental words.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/05/2020 13:12

He sounds really dodgy. Do you really think he didn't know what he was doing, working with stolen cars?

I reckon your sister has him sussed and he doesn't like that.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:16

I don't have a clue, he's not very clued up to be honest with you but then he could of well known. Either way he is looking at a long jail term which is why I can't understand why he's hiding and his mom is lying about not seeing him making me worry even more

OP posts:
ZingyLime · 04/05/2020 13:19

I think you need to find room for a little anger. Do you really think he didn't realise he was a minion for a chop shop. He has endangered you and children's home, safety and financial stability in addition to all the emotional upset he's caused. Shit timing too.
First, secure the roof over your head. Then secure your food and bills chain. Then put the dc to bed, sit down with your dsis and a pot of coffee/bottle of gin (delete as appropriate) and rip him apart.

DianaT1969 · 04/05/2020 13:20

None of this is in your hands OP. You can only get on with life with your DC and decide if you see a future with him (should he ever turn up asking for that). Perhaps sort out your finances as a single parent to start with. Then sort out housing. Can you afford to stay there without his income? The issue with your sister is a red herring. You've got bigger problems than whether they like each other.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:21

😂😂 love it. Yes I think that's the best answer not me crying over the fact he's decided to leave the shit to me because these peoples car he was caught ripping apart have my address not the address he's hiding it out at.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 04/05/2020 13:22

He transferred all his stress into arguing about your sister as it took the heat off him.

Sorry, OP, your DP is a loser. Leave him at his mother’s and drop his stuff round there.

FinallyHere · 04/05/2020 13:23

Absolutely wot ZingyLime said.

Focus on your immediate issues, is your home secure, can you pay the bills without him. What benefits might be available.

How are the D.C. coping without him. Work out what age appropriate explanation you can give them.

Be kind to yourself.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:23

Diana yes that was my argument, she was irrelevant in the situation. I will definitely sort myself out and just focus on our DC. I think the longer time goes on that he doesn't come and face me the harder it's going to be for me to welcome him back with open arms. He's walked out on me and our DC at a time when I think we need him the most. I'm scared to sleep, scared to go out incase they know my car. I can't tell you how stressed I am.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 04/05/2020 13:25

What ever else you do, a welcome with open arms really should not be on the cards. Let him do something decent to deserve your attention first. All the best.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:25

Finallyhere the DC are asking where he is, they know he did something a little bit naughty because the police searched our family home. It's not nice on them he's their dad and they don't understand why he's just disappeared.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/05/2020 13:25

Your sister maybe has him sussed and that is why he doesn't like her this is probably. Not the first time he did something a bit dodgy. For "this guy" . He really has let you and the children down.

Ipadipod · 04/05/2020 13:26

Surely he must have known the cars were stolen and I agree that he doesn’t like your sister because she has worked him out . You are absolutely justified in being beyond furious, how dare he put your financial security in jeopardy, what a total wanker.

The fact that he has gone into hiding would indicate to me that he is as guilty as sin and has zero respect for you.

Get angry, get finances in order and assume your relationship is over , I’m so sorry he has done this to you.

LeaveItBarbara · 04/05/2020 13:30

Don't be surprised if it turns out your sister has had a run-in with him about something dodgy before now, called him out on it, and threatened to tell you if he ever did it again. He's been running a 'your sister's crazy' line ever since so that if she ever did follow through, you'd be primed to think the worst of her.

MrsDoylesTeaBags · 04/05/2020 13:32

His anger comes across as a defense mechanism. Is it possible he doesn't like your sister because she sees something you don't? Whatever your relationship with his mother she will always put her son first.

Sorry you are going through this it must have come as a terrible shock. I think pp has the right idea. Put you and your kids first and take the support from your sister.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:33

I really feel so fucked over and angry but yet so scared and alone at the same time. How can he and his mother treat me and DC like this, it affects us too if he goes to jail for 4 or 5 years not just them. Like many of you have said I'm now financially vulnerable😔

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:36

I think you're right he doesn't like my sister because she sees him for what he really is. I just feel like I'm being kept in the dark about what is going to happen going forward from his arrest.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 04/05/2020 13:37

Please, you are talking as though you are still a couple! Please don't!

He has dropped you and his kids and done a runner with no concern for you all. Don't organise your life around him coming back. He is your DC's dad, so will have contact in future, but that's it.

Tell me you aren't planning to let him return?!

picklemewalnuts · 04/05/2020 13:38

What's going to happen is, you are going to work out how to run your family without him. Apply for benefits, look for work that fits with the children, work out if you can stay in the same house. Whatever it takes. But without him!

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:39

Picklemewalnuts I think my head is just really all over the place right now. I don't know what is going to happen, all I know is he is in a lot of trouble but doesn't seem to give a flying shit about how his kids will be affected.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:43

I really want to just go outside with a baseball bat and smash his precious van he's left sitting on my drive. Just so I feel better 😂

OP posts:
Whataloadofshite · 04/05/2020 13:49

Your sister has definitely had him sussed for a while, he knows that, and I bet if you sat her down and pressed her a bit, you might find there's something about him that she knows, and you don't.

Stick with her. He's obviously up to something and has been a while.

Maduixa · 04/05/2020 13:59

he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids...

Yeah, so he is not your partner, and not a fit parent.

... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't!

As above. And if he doesn't trust you - why would you trust him?

Iwalkinmyclothing · 04/05/2020 14:02

My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't!

I wonder what your sister knows about him that she hasn't yet told you? Because I'd be willing to bet my savings account (don't get excited, it hasn't a lot in it!) that the reason he 'hates' her is that she has info on him.

ChrissieKeller61 · 04/05/2020 14:05

I wouldn’t have him back if he crawled over broken glass. I wouldn’t take the children to visit him eityer. We got taken to see an uncle in prison 30 years ago ... I can still describe the place in detail it was traumatic and I didn’t even like the uncle

HollowTalk · 04/05/2020 14:08

I agree with the PP that if you spoke to your sister you may well find out why she really doesn't like your partner.