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Original poster

Our life is falling apart

210 replies

WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:09

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. We have 2 children age 3 and 5. We had a perfectly normal relationship, we argue, we make up, were generally happy in our relationship. He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

About 2 weeks ago he started doing some extra work for somebody who asked if he could sell car parts and dismantle some cars he's brought damaged. (He is a mechanic.) Of course he can sell car parts we have an eBay account where we sell our own things and he's a mechanic he can take parts off with his eyes closed. However this was not what was going on, the man who he was doing this for was running a chop shop and he was actually stealing the cars and getting my partner to take them apart.

Police were called last Tuesday, my partner got arrested. The police came to my house and said it was now a crime scene i wasnt allowed to stay at home. My sister found out because she lives close by where he was caught so obviously saw all of the police and came straight to my house to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything etc... just being a good sister and good auntie to our kids. My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't! We had a big row and he just wouldn't listen at all to anything I had to say. He went to his moms early hours of Thursday and I haven't seen him since. His mom says that she hasnt seen him, so me being worried about him reported him missing last night. The police came out to speak to me and phoned his mom whilst they were here... who told them he's perfectly fine but doesnt want to see me at all and stop contacting her!! I am absolutely fuming angry raging all of the above because nobody has thought about how this has made me feel. I'm so worried about what's going to happen and him hiding away isn't helping how I'm feeling. Does nobody think I have a right to know what has happened? Am I just over reacting? My emotions are very much all over the place at the monent.

Long thread I'm sorry, it's probably confusing but please just read it a few times and if you have any advice on what I should do please get in contact. Please no unhelpful advice or judgemental words.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 23:04

There is a lot of background to why they don't like each other. He's quite controlling, he likes me to himself. She's opinionated and he didn't like that, she didn't like he told me where I could go and what I could do.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 05/05/2020 03:15

So he’s cleaned out the bank account? Was any of it legal money? If so report to the polive, maybe you can get some back? What a dick. Maybe you can sell parts from his van.

JingsMahBucket · 05/05/2020 03:33

@WhoCaresAnyway95 contrary to what other posters have said, I wouldn't immediately give him back his belongings. Those are all possible evidence that he or his mother could destroy. I highly suggest you contact the arresting officer and ask for guidance on this.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/05/2020 07:32

I'd tell the police about the accounts before they get round to asking you otherwise it could look like you are in on the whole scam. But no, they wont take your kids unless you get sent to prison too and there's nobody to look after them.

This is very good advice - tell them everything - including where he is now, and that he has been back to your home for some mystery parcel.

You owe him nothing and it is important for your sake and your children's that you don't get tarred with his very dirty brush!

contrary to what other posters have said, I wouldn't immediately give him back his belongings. Those are all possible evidence that he or his mother could destroy. I highly suggest you contact the arresting officer and ask for guidance on this.

And this is a good point from Jings

WhatDay · 05/05/2020 09:17

Honestly, I wouldn’t be offering anything up to the police without them coming to you. You need to save your skin, no one else is.

If you can afford it get legal advice before. If not wait and see, IF you get arrested you’ll get a solicitor. Take their advice, if it’s no comment through the interview, no comment through the interview. If it’s tell them everything, you need to tell them everything (including the control).

The control aspect does not surprise me Flowers. I’ve been there with that too, it sounds like you will be better off without him. It really does.

Don’t keep his shit in the house, if it was evidence the police would have taken it when they searched.

picklemewalnuts · 05/05/2020 11:33

Don't contact him again. Let him do the work.

Ask Police what you need to do, restraining order or whatever, to never have to see him again, and ask them if they want any of his stuff.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 05/05/2020 11:46

My head is still all over the place. I have started making enquiries on new houses for a fresh start completely away from where I live now. I'm not going to contact him or any of his family for that matter, I will give it time and if his stuff isn't removed I will take then into my possession for the money he's still got which is rightfully mine, £870 and a gold bracelet he brought me for Christmas £850 and also our sons bracelet he was brought for his birthday a couple of years ago £440. I wasn't completely useless, I was selling the crushed diamond stuff for a lady and making my own money in that way, however he seems to think he owns the whole lot. So if he doesn't return what is mine, I don't see why I should allow him to take what is his 🤔 maybe I'll get a wheel clamp on it until he returns my stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 05/05/2020 11:50

I really want to phone to police but I don't want to get myself in any trouble but I also see it would be better for me rather than being arrested and looking guilty for not saying anything

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 05/05/2020 13:11

@WhoCaresAnyway95 phone the police! The longer you leave it, they may start to think you were in on it. Give them the info and plead your truthful ignorance.

IAmReportingYouForBBQing · 05/05/2020 14:10

I agree, phone the police

WhatDay · 05/05/2020 16:53

Please Get legal advice before calling the police.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 05/05/2020 16:58

I have a social worker coming to see me and my children tomorrow between 12 and 2 o'clock. Initially it was a health visitor but now I've been informed it will be somebody from social services. The reality of what is actually happening to my life isn't having a good effect I feel suicidal and I've just got nobody to turn to who would understand

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 05/05/2020 17:05

Please,please,please contact the Samaritans or a mental health crisis line. Just imagine your kids winding up with Granny from hell (your partner's mother) You are innocent of his dirty deeds.

Mrsjayy · 05/05/2020 17:22

Please phone the samirtans if you are not great call your family tell them what is happening and lastly SS want to support you and the kids they want them to stay with you. I am so sorry he did this to you.

JingsMahBucket · 05/05/2020 17:29

@WhoCaresAnyway95 have you talked to your sister yet?

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 05/05/2020 17:31

I am going to call the Samaritans for some advice. I've spoken to my sister and she just said she's never liked him because he's a weird cunt 😂

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 05/05/2020 17:35

Doesn't hold back that sister does s he 😂

Whataloadofshite · 05/05/2020 18:04

Your sister is clearly fantastic.

WhatDay · 05/05/2020 18:39

Look, they are going to come out check your keeping your kids safe (which you are). Check your a great mum (which you clearly are) and they are going to go.
It’s a box ticking exercise for you. In the same way the nursery was. For every child who is as loved and looked after there will be one that’s not and that’s what they are looking for.

Be honest about the control aspect, they can help you.

Your world has imploded it’s no wonder you feel suicidal, but your kids need you and it WILL get better. I’m absolutely convinced in a years time, you’ll wonder why you didn’t walk years ago. It feels a massive mountain to climb, but you will climb it. And it will be lovely at the top Flowers

chunkycoke · 05/05/2020 18:42

Your sister is right

MNHQ
FlissMumsnet · 05/05/2020 20:46

Hello WhoCaresAnyway95,

We're really sorry to hear what you're having to deal with right now.

We hope you don't mind, but when people are having a tough time we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We were really pleased to see how many people have replied to you - we'd suggest your username isn't accurate....looks like lots of people care!

Good luck letting it all out to the Samaritans and ask if they can signpost any further services which might be helpful to you right now.

Flowers and a huge Gin

Mummymi · 06/05/2020 09:23

@WhoCaresAnyway95 a long time ago I had to have a visit from social services too. My husband at the time had committed a crime so they had to come and check on the children. The man that came was very nice, I vaguely remember him asking my son (who would have been four at the time) questions. He left, we had a report saying the family didn't need any follow ups and that was it.
Please try not to worry, easier said than done I know.

Deathraystare · 06/05/2020 10:59

He's probably told Mummy that he was just innocently stripping down a couple of gearboxes to buy the kids some new shoes and you've grassed him up.

I suspect this is not the first time he has been in trouble and Mummy dearest will not be at all surprised though of course she is harbouring him.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 06/05/2020 11:15

Thanks to every single person that has commented offering words of advice and comfort at this awful time. It's unreal how much support you can actually get from strangers. I feel much better today, however I'm still struggling to sleep at night. I will update this afternoon after social services have been.

OP posts:
Haffdonga · 06/05/2020 11:38

Good luck @WhoCaresAnyway95

The best advice with the social worker is be honest. If they feel you are covering up for your ex in any way or minimising the shit show he has left behind they may worry that you are hiding more from them and be worried that you're not coping.

Be honest about how angry and devastated you are and about any support you may need. Ask for help. They will see you're a good mum who has been shat on from a great height Flowers