Our life is falling apart

[WhoCaresAnyway95]

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. We have 2 children age 3 and 5. We had a perfectly normal relationship, we argue, we make up, were generally happy in our relationship. He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

About 2 weeks ago he started doing some extra work for somebody who asked if he could sell car parts and dismantle some cars he's brought damaged. (He is a mechanic.) Of course he can sell car parts we have an eBay account where we sell our own things and he's a mechanic he can take parts off with his eyes closed. However this was not what was going on, the man who he was doing this for was running a chop shop and he was actually stealing the cars and getting my partner to take them apart.

Police were called last Tuesday, my partner got arrested. The police came to my house and said it was now a crime scene i wasnt allowed to stay at home. My sister found out because she lives close by where he was caught so obviously saw all of the police and came straight to my house to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything etc... just being a good sister and good auntie to our kids. My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't! We had a big row and he just wouldn't listen at all to anything I had to say. He went to his moms early hours of Thursday and I haven't seen him since. His mom says that she hasnt seen him, so me being worried about him reported him missing last night. The police came out to speak to me and phoned his mom whilst they were here... who told them he's perfectly fine but doesnt want to see me at all and stop contacting her!! I am absolutely fuming angry raging all of the above because nobody has thought about how this has made me feel. I'm so worried about what's going to happen and him hiding away isn't helping how I'm feeling. Does nobody think I have a right to know what has happened? Am I just over reacting? My emotions are very much all over the place at the monent.

Long thread I'm sorry, it's probably confusing but please just read it a few times and if you have any advice on what I should do please get in contact. Please no unhelpful advice or judgemental words.

Oh OP xxx
Don't be embarrassed, just be honest with what you know. They have to inform schools etc now - which is a good thing, your sons safe and well, but they are making sure others who won't be are.

crying over the fact he's decided to leave the shit to me because these peoples car he was caught ripping apart have my address not the address he's hiding it out at.

Put large sign with his current address on the front door.

Let the bugger sort out his own, self-made problems.

Dear Parent

As Safeguarding lead, I have been notified that an incident took place in your household on 28 April 2020.

Even though schools are closed to the vast majority of children as all children who can be safely cared for at home should be, we are able to open to support families in need.

If you would like your child to attend a session in Nursery, please ring school tomorrow morning, on Tuesday 5 May 2020. The telephone number is

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kindest regards

Susan

Headteacher

he's decided to leave the shit to me because these peoples car he was caught ripping apart have my address not the address he's hiding it out at.

This is nothing to do with your sister. He's using her as a convenient excuse to not be at the address where the people he is committed the crime against might find him, the disgusting coward. He has left his DP and children to face the music. This is over.

He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

As soon as I read this I thought why are you with him.

Did he fancy her but she rejected him? or did they have a fling a while back?

There's no way he would hate her for no reason.

I really just want to pack up my car get in it and drive me and my kids as far away as possible! This is the absolute worse time for something like this to happen with the lockdown

@LemonBreeland
Not necessarily, he may just be protecting the friend with misplaced loyalty. There are some people my DH would take the fall for (and he did) and others he wouldn't.

Admittedly, taking parts off perfectly good cars is the clue and he probably did know, but there is a big thing of "don't ask" in the industry especially if you need the cash.

Who informed the nursery, and why are they using this to solicit their services? Weird

You could inform the police that he’s no longer at your address but don’t they already know as officers visited you yesterday? Then again, there’s every chance the two investigations aren’t related (your missing person report and his case)

I don’t think you need a criminal law solicitor, if you get arrested you will have the opportunity to seek legal advice (inc duty solicitor). Currently a criminal solicitor can’t give you much advice as they have no access to the police’s evidence on you - they only would after you get arrested.

However I think you would benefit from speaking to a divorce/family/property solicitor

The police have to inform the school, it won't be gossip.

OP, schools and nurserys are still opening to students whose families are classed as vulnerable or in need. Please do not be ashamed or embarassed about any of this, if you didnt know then you have no reason too. It is HIM that should be ashamed.

I would really consider a solicitor. And you will need to claim any benefits etc as a single person ASAP and do not let him back home. Although if you are arrested, you will likely be bailed to seperate adresses anyway pending trial etc.

Yes, tell police where he is staying.

• I'd text his mother 'all of exhs stuff will be outside at 9am. If not collected by 1pm it will be going to the tip. Locks changed. Please inform him as I can't get hold of him. ' Let her try and get you for harassment, stupid woman, protecting her criminal son over her grandchildren.* And this exactly but I’d probably add ‘ and now I know exactly how much you give a shit about your grandchildren.’

And what has it got to do with the nursery? As long as you are continuing to pay any fees, why shouldn't your child have a place?

Well if a police car turned up outside the door and a load of officers came in, i wouldn't worry about trying to pinpoint who knows and who told dchool.

Would sending him in help? If so, do so. You don't need to be embarassed that your ex is a dick. If it wont help, politely decline.

Call the officer for whom you have contact details and ask them if they can update you as you haven't seen ex since X date and you're aware that he used your account you're obv worried etc.

Get on with explaining to the kids that you and Daddy have broken up and you don't know when you'll see him but the usual i klove you, you didnt do anything wrong etc.

Is the house brought or rented, in whose names?

The nursery won't be gossiping.
The police have to inform nurseries/schools head teachers of any incidents that take place where their children live, even if the children were not present at the time.
Sorry for your situation op.

The best thing I think I can do is move, start a fresh somewhere else.

Although I agree with you I'd try to divorce the useless guilty fucker first (if doable in a shortish period of time). If divorce takes too long I suggest you rent something so you can easily move after the divorce is final. Much more difficult to move when you have to sell a house first. When you move change everything, your phone number, email address, facebook picture, name and setting, every little thing. Make sure that he or his mum can't come to harrass you once they've figured out that they want to see the kids again.

You might not be able to text his mum, but you can send a letter to her address with his name on wanting contact about his stuff within 30 days or it's thrown out. Send it by email as well if you have his email.

Your nursery sound great they are shown immediate support, I know you are embarrassed but they really only have your son's welfare at heart. Email them back thanking them.say that this has come as a complete shock to you and you will consider the offer and get back to them if you need him to attend nursery

You don't know exactly how the vehicles were stolen. They could easily have been high end ones stolen in horrendous attacks and house robberies as well as key fishing. There could easily have far worse things than stripping a few parts down going on in there, such as would be used for all manner of crimes. His refusal to give names suggests that he's involved with bigger boys than just helping out a mate. The police won't be letting him go that easily. And neither will the people he's working for.

He's probably told Mummy that he was just innocently stripping down a couple of gearboxes to buy the kids some new shoes and you've grassed him up.

If you have a joint bank account, now is the time to get money out of it and set up your own, well away from his income and well away from any potential freezing of accounts for investigation.

I wouldn't recommend you smash up his van - but in the same breath, if it happened to be unlocked and stolen, you wouldn't be able to contact him to ask if he'd collected it, so wouldn't know to contact the police to say it's gone. It could be a simple mistake to leave a van unlocked after putting an ex partner's stuff all in it, after all. And nobody would ever say that they left the van unlocked and the door open. Perhaps the security devices malfunctioned or a gang that specialised in stealing commercial vehicles and stripping them for parts took it.

The police won't tell you anything because they don't know whether you're involved. He's not telling you anything because it'll incriminate him if you repeat it and he's probably planning on letting you take some of the blame.

He's focusing on you and your sister to distract everybody about what stupid criminality he's involved in. Ignore him. He wants to ignore you, after all.

OP I imagine the police have alerted the school/nursery and social services too possibly? There is cause for concern here, and you should be taking it very seriously.

Do you even know whether he has been fully charged? It sounds like he is lying low, rather than moving out. I would strongly advise you to start taking steps to have this man permanently removed from your life. You and the children could be in danger, and your sister no doubt has the true measure, and your best interests at heart.

Deliver his things to his mother's house, in the garden. Call an emergency locksmith and consider a restraining order.

You may be more vulnerable than you know or feel, and others around sound very worried about both you and your children.

He is not your "partner" - he is a very dodgy ex and you need him out of your life ASAP.

Don't give a thought to embarrassment - the nursery are being kind, realising you could be in a very difficult position at the moment and doing what they can to help.

You probably should consult a solicitor yes, and certainly should inform the police that he isn't residing at your address. If you are totally honest, fully cooperative, and do nothing that would call your parenting into question you are very unlikely to lose your kids. Certainly trying to maintain a relationship with a known criminal would be a black mark on that score so do make sure that you are completely clear that he is not and never again will be your Partner.

Again, do not contact his mother at all. Both she and the police have told you not to.

And frankly I think the advice from posters advising you to contact her would be very different if instead it was a man continuing to contacting his exes mum the day after he was threatened with a harassment charge

He's got you stressed about this whole situation with your sister, worrying about him leaving and defending yourself instead of making him explain himself.

And he's conveniently used this as an excuse to whisk himself off to his mother's to avoid accountability where you and the children are concerned.

He seems to have weaseled his way out of explaining himself to you quite nicely, and you've fallen for it hook, line and sinker.

And now you're left to deal with this mess whilst still living in the home that his partners in crime know about.

He knew exactly what he was doing. Change the locks, stay somewhere else if possible and contact a lawyer ASAP.

Can I also say that if he is bailed to your address, and isn't there he is very likely to be rearrested. I would inform them he isn't living with you, so they can take action. At the very least he needs to change the bail application or he will be charged with breach of bail as well.

well if l were you,
l would start divorce proceedings,
then get advice from a solicitor,
change the locks,
give his address to the police, and (after advice from a solicitor, )offer a police statement and access to the bank. Let them know that you are innocent and co-operating.
Running away makes you look guilty.
If you are divorcing him then you can let anyone who needs to know what has happened and that you had no idea and work with them to mitigate the affect on your children, ie school and nursery....
Who owns the house and do you work?

Im going to guess these aren't high end cars as the trackers would be an issue, the violent aspect with these would be a one way ticket to jail time though. But i would doubt the police can link him to the thefts - in the car theft food chain you don't do everything yourself, its the little drugged up scrotes that do the physical thieving.

I did not see the part where you have been advised not to contact his mother. I would leave his things in the garden of a trusted friend in that case. Do not damage his property, this will make things much worse for you and your children. You will be charged with criminal damage.

Change the locks, get some legal advice, and consider whether you feel safe where you are? It is not unreasonable to move out if not.