Our life is falling apart

[WhoCaresAnyway95]

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. We have 2 children age 3 and 5. We had a perfectly normal relationship, we argue, we make up, were generally happy in our relationship. He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

About 2 weeks ago he started doing some extra work for somebody who asked if he could sell car parts and dismantle some cars he's brought damaged. (He is a mechanic.) Of course he can sell car parts we have an eBay account where we sell our own things and he's a mechanic he can take parts off with his eyes closed. However this was not what was going on, the man who he was doing this for was running a chop shop and he was actually stealing the cars and getting my partner to take them apart.

Police were called last Tuesday, my partner got arrested. The police came to my house and said it was now a crime scene i wasnt allowed to stay at home. My sister found out because she lives close by where he was caught so obviously saw all of the police and came straight to my house to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything etc... just being a good sister and good auntie to our kids. My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't! We had a big row and he just wouldn't listen at all to anything I had to say. He went to his moms early hours of Thursday and I haven't seen him since. His mom says that she hasnt seen him, so me being worried about him reported him missing last night. The police came out to speak to me and phoned his mom whilst they were here... who told them he's perfectly fine but doesnt want to see me at all and stop contacting her!! I am absolutely fuming angry raging all of the above because nobody has thought about how this has made me feel. I'm so worried about what's going to happen and him hiding away isn't helping how I'm feeling. Does nobody think I have a right to know what has happened? Am I just over reacting? My emotions are very much all over the place at the monent.

Long thread I'm sorry, it's probably confusing but please just read it a few times and if you have any advice on what I should do please get in contact. Please no unhelpful advice or judgemental words.

I just feel like I'm being kept in the dark about what is going to happen going forward from his arrest.

You need to make some decisions so you are not kept in the dark. He's been arrested, if found guilty he'll almost certainly go to prison. You need to take control and decide what you are going to do about it to make it as OK as it can be for you and your children. Personally I would start by telling him that your relationship is over.

So let me see if I have this right...he has been helping out, taking apart cars that are stolen at a unit (knowing or unknowingly) and then has sold some parts on eBay, with your name and address as the details. The owner of the stolen car has purchased the parts and reported it to the police. So he has your name and address. Your partner then leaves the home, that has been on eBay for the victim to see, but leaves his partners and kids behind........I actually can not believe he loves you in the slightest way. Sorry op.

I don’t think for a second the buyer will come knocking on your door btw, as I’m sure he knows it’s not you as you haven’t been arrested...but to run and hide and leave you behind....

I cannot believe he has done that. Your better without someone like that!!

Definitely contact a solicitor to find out what you should do to protect yourself and your children -- I don't mean from angry victims of your partner's crimes (it seems unlikely they would come to your house) but from the legal consequences of his crimes.

Don't run away, as you can be easily traced. You haven't done anything wrong, so I would go to the police as soon as possible, after seeing a solicitor, to make a statement.

Please take the advice on here.

Get someone to dump his stuff at his mother's.
Get legal advice.
Get UC application started.

He has shown he doesn't give a shit about you or his children. He's literally taken food out of their mouths by taking all the money. He's a criminal. His mum will support him, not you, even though you are the children are in danger of losing everything.

I can't control the way I feel. One minute I'm angry but now I'm upset and teary. I'm definitely no good to the children like this. I'm a mess, I will seek a solicitor and contact the police to tell them he is no longer living here and also write him a letter explaining exactly what he has caused for me and our DC and also that he has until the end of May to collect his things or I will dispose of them myself. I can't be any fairer than that, he's not protecting me so I certainly won't be protecting him or his mother in any of this now

If he's been bailed to your address but isn't there then that's pretty serious, isn't it?
If he's gone to live somewhere else and doesn't inform them of his whereabouts then he's broken the bail conditions and could be sent to jail.
Perhaps you can e-mail his mother and tell her he has to update his location. He seems to be in shock and just running away- (I'm not trying to excuse his actions- he's let you down appallingly.)
It's probably better for you if he stays at his mother's anyway.

I agree with other posters that you could do with a solicitor.

I am sorry op, for you this is horrible in a lockdown. Get every bit of help and support you can, and be glad you do not have to go through a costly divorce as well. You can cut your ties, walk away and have a better life. You don't deserve to have your house ransacked during a police search, to have potential angry people that have been part of his fraud turn up to your house, to be left in the lurch financially, to be vilified by his mother, and your own family made to feel unwelcome for caring about you. Next time, set your standards far higher before you let someone into your life again.

Change the locks, and let the police know you feel vulnerable so if you need them they will prioritise a call from your house/mobile.

call yes he has broken his bail conditions and could end up in prison, if they have the evidence to take it to court and formally charge him depending on the original crime and if he has form for similar behaviour in the past. It is also possible if he is seen as a danger to the public or to his family or is likely to interfere with witnesses.

he is looking at a long jail term which is why I can't understand why he's hiding

I think the answer is in the question, OP.

the money went into my bank and was taken out or some transferred to my now ex's bank account
He took all the cash
Do i need a solicitor? Will they take my kids?

I'd tell the police about the accounts before they get round to asking you otherwise it could look like you are in on the whole scam. But no, they wont take your kids unless you get sent to prison too and there's nobody to look after them.

All the more reason to tell the police everything you know and ask what they want you to do about the accounts.

Jeez what an arsehole. His behaviour shouts that he knew exactly what he was doing. He's royally fucked you over and you owe him and his mum nothing. I would be getting legal advice asap. Good luck

I’m so sorry ur going thru this. I think u need to get some legal advice.

IMO, he knew exactly what he was doing. And he purposely put you in danger by using your accounts to do it!

Do NOT contact or speak to him or any member of his family or friends. Do NOT speak to the police until you have spoken to a solicitor. Immediately contact a criminal solicitor, lay your situation out to them and follow their advice.

I would also bet money that he knew exactly what he was doing. His behaviour after the fact smacks of guilt, not an innocent man who has been dragged into somebody else's mess.

So sorry OP, the bloke is a waste of space.

As the SIL of someone who has been in this exact situation please throw him under the bus. It sounds like he knew exactly what he was doing, your sister had a fair idea and so did his mother. Get rid, move on.

I'm so sorry OP what a horrible situation to be in. The main priority is to protect yourself and your children going forward.

It is likely he knew this situation was extremely dodgy, he is a mechanic who was asked to break cars down and then personally sell the parts all for cash. He deliberately involved you in this by using your bank account to launder the money. If he didn't know they were stolen cars they he bloody well knew he was defrauding hmrc at the least whilst also dragging you into this mess.

The fact he has done a bunk to his mothers with all of the cash and is blanking you tells you everything you need to know. He is a despicable, feckless individual who prioritised making money off an illegal side hustle over the safety and security of his family.

If I was you I would contact a solicitor immediatly and discuss going to the police station voluntarily to let them know that you have been tricked into using your bank account for illegal activity. They will find out during the course of their investigation and if you don't go to them willingly then it is likely they will be paying you a visit and asking questions.

If it is your ebay account have you declared the earnings to hmrc if they exceed £1000?

I wouldn't give a shit about the consequences on your ex partner because he clearly doesn't give a crap about the trouble he could have got you in.

God, you poor thing.

1. Speak to your GP, if you can, or a health professional about your head being all over the place and the shock - it's hardly surprising, in the circumstances.

1. Speak to a solicitor (you've said you're going to, and that's very sensible).

1. Contact the police, and maybe HMRC, otherwise, as others have said, it looks as if you're in on it? Maybe speak to the lawyer first about the HMRC thing.

1. Speak to the benefits people, the bank, etc to see what you can claim to make a life without him and keep your kids safe. Someone else has mentioned getting the locks changed; I'd also add make sure you change ALL your passwords on your computer/phone and your security access information on your phone, bank account, ebay account, everything you can think of, so he can't access them.

1. Have a chat with your sister. It does sound like she had his number long since, sadly. And she sounds like a supportive sis.

And sticking bits of stolen cars together isn't just "a little bit naughty", I'm afraid, it's potentially extremely dangerous for the unsuspecting person who ends up with the car. As for the van, wouldn't the police maybe impound it if you ask nicely?

Wishing you all the very best, and I am so, so sorry you and your kids are facing this at a time that's more than ordinarily awful for people anyway.

I think you need to call an organization for mothers/children that have been left in bad circumstances. They should be able to help give advice on both the legal and financial front.

Also, call your sister ASAP and find out everything she knows about him. Brace yourself. I think there’s likely more that you’ll find shocking. He sounds very very guilty based on having moved all of the money through your bank accounts and now hiding out at his mothers. I would definitely also contact the detectives and let them know everything you know. It could matter greatly if it appears you are hiding this info to protect vs cooperating with them.

What was his mother like before this?

I would print off every sold transaction on your ebay account re the car parts, then the money that went into your Paypal account then on to your bank account. Get print outs from your bank account showing the transfer of money from your account to his.

Show this information to your solicitor and follow their advice.

Thanks everybody for your helpful advice. I will get stronger it just hurts right now being shit on in the worst possible way. I will seek help from wherever I can get it to move, have my own income and just feel safe again

I can only imagine how painful and distressing it is to be deceived like this by your partner and you are right you will get stronger.

Processing this will take a long time but presently please protect yourself and cut all contact with your ex. Not only will it help emotionally but on a practical level the more distance you keep from him the better. If he wants contact with the children try to make sure this is done formally and preferably use an intermediary or at the very least have a family member or friend is present for any handover.

It is likely that the things may become acrimonious during the investigation, he has already demonstrated a complete disregard for yours or your DC's welfare. Co operating with the police with the help of a solicitor is your best chance of hopefully extracting yourself from this mess.

So he turned up here knocked the door. I didn't answer as I couldn't face him, spoke to him via my ring door bell. Asked what he was here for he replied 'has my parcel come'
What the fuck???!!!!
My phone then died and he went, I didn't cause a scene he was in the car with another male. Fucking cheek of it

If you haven't done it already, you might want to change your passwords on your ebay & paypal account so he can't go on using them.
I'm sorry you have been caught up in his fuckery.

If you do get any deliveries for him, just reject them. I wouldn’t accept anything on his behalf anymore now that he’s moved out, you’ve broken up and he refuses to speak to you.

What an absolute cock.

I just had a thought. Have you got your own car insurance or are you on his traders policy?

He isn't able to access any eBay or PayPal account he hasn't got a clue about the usernames or passwords. I won't be accepting any parcels for sure, I'm good enough to collect parcels from but not good enough for him to explain himself and I have my own car and my own traders insurance so that's not a worry at the minute. Well it will be come the 21st when it needs paying