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Original poster

Our life is falling apart

210 replies

WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 13:09

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. We have 2 children age 3 and 5. We had a perfectly normal relationship, we argue, we make up, were generally happy in our relationship. He doesn't like my sister, he never has done I don't know why but really hates her.

About 2 weeks ago he started doing some extra work for somebody who asked if he could sell car parts and dismantle some cars he's brought damaged. (He is a mechanic.) Of course he can sell car parts we have an eBay account where we sell our own things and he's a mechanic he can take parts off with his eyes closed. However this was not what was going on, the man who he was doing this for was running a chop shop and he was actually stealing the cars and getting my partner to take them apart.

Police were called last Tuesday, my partner got arrested. The police came to my house and said it was now a crime scene i wasnt allowed to stay at home. My sister found out because she lives close by where he was caught so obviously saw all of the police and came straight to my house to make sure I was ok and if I needed anything etc... just being a good sister and good auntie to our kids. My partner got let our Wednesday pending further investigation, now he wasn't remotely interested in the effect on me or the kids... he was more interested in why I had gone running to my sister about what had happened even though I didn't! We had a big row and he just wouldn't listen at all to anything I had to say. He went to his moms early hours of Thursday and I haven't seen him since. His mom says that she hasnt seen him, so me being worried about him reported him missing last night. The police came out to speak to me and phoned his mom whilst they were here... who told them he's perfectly fine but doesnt want to see me at all and stop contacting her!! I am absolutely fuming angry raging all of the above because nobody has thought about how this has made me feel. I'm so worried about what's going to happen and him hiding away isn't helping how I'm feeling. Does nobody think I have a right to know what has happened? Am I just over reacting? My emotions are very much all over the place at the monent.

Long thread I'm sorry, it's probably confusing but please just read it a few times and if you have any advice on what I should do please get in contact. Please no unhelpful advice or judgemental words.

OP posts:
ProfessorSlocombe · 04/05/2020 15:45

OP needs qualified legal advice, and fast. If her DP has been implicated in a crime and stands to be charged, then the prosecution might start looking to attach a Proceeds Of Crime Act notice on anything that they believe he has gained from his criminal enterprise. I have skimmed through the thread and can't see any references to whether the OP rents or owns the house, but if they own it, then it could be on the table as well as the contents of the accounts and the DPs van.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 15:46

We're not married sorry for the confusion I refer to him as my partner rather than boyfriend, the house is private rented. I do not work no he was the sole provider. I have emailed the nursery back thanking them for getting in touch but my son is perfectly ok at home and he is safe and well. I am going to contact the police regarding his address because yes they were separate incidents. The officers who came last night to my missing persons report didn't know he had been arrested a few days before.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 15:46

It's obvious these people he's involved with are big boys which is why I was so worried about him. I needn't of bothered after the way his mother has treated me. He isn't my problem anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 15:50

The part about me not contacting his mom comes from me reporting him missing last night after his mom saying she hadn't seen him for a few days and the friend she said he was supposedly staying with said he hadn't seen him since Saturday afternoon. I reported him missing, told his mom I had done so as nobody seems concerned other than me. So when the police phoned her to ask if she had seen him requested they tell me to stop contacting her or she will file a harrasment complaint against me.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 04/05/2020 15:51

OP, start planning a life without him. Check what level of benefits you would receive, would it be enough to rent somewhere? Do you want to move out of the area, or do you have supportive family nearby? Could you get a decently paid job?

KingOfDogShite · 04/05/2020 15:51

Some cunt burgled next for my Audi a couple of years ago. It took me a year to get over it and we still haven’t replaced the car for fear of it happening again. These people and all associated with them are complete scum. Of course he knew, I hope they throw the book at him.

Sorry you and your children have been caught up in it. Good riddance to him.

averythinline · 04/05/2020 15:51

The police will have raised a reference with Social services as they searched your house...who will ahve contacted the nursery - as police involvement where there are young children its an automatic process..
I guess its just teh nursery are faster acting than Social services - who probably have lots to get through daily whereas the nursery dont..

theres lots of concern about vulnerable children not being in nursery/school - the chances are they have no details......

You should expect a call from social services as well - as standard where police go to house with young DC and especially with the rise in DV ...

You should get legal advice re paypal stuff...

IAmReportingYouForBBQing · 04/05/2020 15:54

Op, you need to apply for Universal Credit right now. Then call/email your landlord and tell them your partner has left you and you would like to know how to get him removed from the tenancy. You MUST do this or you will not be eligible for help towards your rent costs. Benefits are not backdated so you must do it ASAP or you will be losing money every day. Tell the UC people that you need an advance and they will take it from your monthly payments.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 15:56

He has taken all of the cash with him, I will never get accepted for another private rented property with no deposit or guarantors. How dare him and his mom think I'm not allowed to be fucking angry.

OP posts:
Ugzbugz · 04/05/2020 15:57

I reckon your sister knows something you dont.

Original poster
WhoCaresAnyway95 · 04/05/2020 15:57

I have put a claim in for UC this morning but it's not going to cover my whole rent cost. The council won't help me I've been bidding for 2 years I'm in the lowest band. I could scream right now I can't even tell you how alone I feel

OP posts:
browzingss · 04/05/2020 16:01

Your action plan sounds good.

I’d contact a family law solicitor to get advice on what to do with his belongings and in the future, his contact with the children. I don’t think you need a criminal law solicitor at this point, it’s a different specialty so you’d probably need separate solicitors.

If you still want to move, look into giving notice to your landlord etc, are you in a fixed term contract?

Justaboy · 04/05/2020 16:01

I will never get accepted for another private rented property with no deposit or guarantors.

Have you asked your landlord yet?, they might OK it as long as they get their rent!

I think no one can be evicted at the moment cos of the Covid19 restrictions?.

Biscuit0110 · 04/05/2020 16:02

Get some support from family. Your son needs to come first. This is no longer a safe environment for a child, so it is essential that he is protected. You may feel angry but that won't help you now op. A calm head is needed.

Foodbanks and support services will see you through the next few weeks until you have some money of your own. You can't move now, so that will have to go on hold for now anyway, nothing will happen immediately. Please think through carefully and make a plan. You can not afford to go under with him (by getting angry and being arrested yourself, or by associating with him again)

WhatDay · 04/05/2020 16:03

You have every right to be angry. He has royally dumped you in the shit

SirGawain · 04/05/2020 16:04

Oh wow it does sound like he knew what he was involved in but there is the tiniest chance he didn't.
Unlikely that he didn't know. Genuine car breakers work on either old cars or accident write-offs. It would be fairly obvious, particularly tp a mechanic, that they were essentially decent cars.

vanillandhoney · 04/05/2020 16:07

And what has it got to do with the nursery? As long as you are continuing to pay any fees, why shouldn't your child have a place?

You've totally got the wrong end of the stick here.

Police have to contact nursery/school - it's basic safeguarding. Nothing to do with gossip or the nursery overstepping their mark.

And the nursery are not threatening to kick OP's DC out, either. They're saying if she needs to now send them to nursery because of problems at home, to contact them and they can arrange for DC to attend if necessary.

WhatDay · 04/05/2020 16:11

As a single adult in the house don't forget you get a council tax reduction.
Every little helps and all that.

notapizzaeater · 04/05/2020 16:11

Have you spoken to the arresting officer to see what he's being charged with? I'm surprised if PayPal / eBay are in your name they haven't asked to speak to you ?

Poppi89 · 04/05/2020 16:13

I have put a claim in for UC this morning but it's not going to cover my whole rent cost. The council won't help me I've been bidding for 2 years I'm in the lowest band

If your rent is higher than the maximum payment you will have to make a new application (I know takes ages) but that will put you on a higher band as essentially your LL could evict you for not paying the full rent.

Still apply for rent payments from UC which will at least show your LL you are trying.

NotAGirl · 04/05/2020 16:14

So sorry your ex cares so little about his children or you Flowers

You need to put together a list of things to do and it may be worth taking up the nursery place to give you space to do this. Focus on you and your children's future

Some items for your list, other posters have more

Get yourself a criminal solicitor and get their advice on what to do about it being your PayPal and ebay account. They will have the expertise. They will also be able to advise whether you're entitled to know what's going on from the police. This won't be cheap but it's important you need their expertise

As you're not working inform DWP your partner has left you and is facing a criminal prosecution, find out what benefits you might be entitled to

Register him for child support, no idea how you do this and it may be irrelevant for a while if he goes to jail but if it's a first offence he may not get sent to jail and just worth getting out of the way.

Check your rental agreement and costs, see who is the contract with, how much notice you have to give and start looking for a cheaper alternative. If it shows your partners name on the contract rather than yours get legal advice of whether you're liable to any penalties if you left before end of contract, find out about the deposit and who that would go back to, get some advice about how to handle giving notice depending on who the contract is with.

Since presumably you know your ex mothers address send him a recorded delivery letter there giving him notice to arrange to collect his belongings including his van, keep a copy, as a pp said give him sufficient time but box them all up now

maggiecate · 04/05/2020 16:15

Hi OP, given that the sales and money went through your accounts the police may want to interview you at some point. If they do, ask to have a solicitor present. You haven't done anything wrong, but having legal representation is just as important to protect the innocent as it is for the guilty.
Your nursery sounds pretty on the ball - you may find the head teacher can put you in touch with support services etc that can help advice with your rent situation and any benefits you're entitled to.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 04/05/2020 16:18

Does his mum think you are the bad one ?
Has he told his mum you are guilty?
Why else would. She have such a strong reaction to you trying to talk to him?

sadie9 · 04/05/2020 16:23

His Mother is just blaming the OP because she won't blame her stupid asshole son. He's a Mummy's boy and he can do no wrong in her eyes.
You have done nothing wrong OP.
When you see his mother's behaviour you can see where he gets it from. No respect for people. No sense of right and wrong. Take take take and fuck the consequences for other people. I'm alright jack.

Xiaoxiong · 04/05/2020 16:23

I just don't know who's telling me lies and who's telling me the truth

I think you can assume that he and his mum are lying, and your sister and the police are telling the truth. I'd get on the phone to your sister asap and ask what she knows.

I'd also be calling a solicitor asap and asking whether you should be calling the arresting officer to tell him everything about how ebay and paypal were in your name but you had no idea what he was doing with it. The last thing you need is for them to think you were in on it, but talk to a solicitor first to make sure that is the right way to go about it.