Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

Did you post about the workplace one before, not long ago? It rings a bell.

I honestly wouldn't know what to do in your situation, I've been through it though not at work. And ditto when I was 16, it was my first time too.

I don't know who the rape charities are, but I would google one and explain what you've said here. That you don't know whether to report either of both of them.

I'd be most concerned about the workplace one because you're still there and so is he. Whilst I don't think it's you who should have to leave, a fresh start away from where it happened would probably be positive.

Hiya thanks for replying. Yes I have posted about this before, not long ago.

So sorry this also happened to you.

I have spoken to rape crisis and they are arranging therapy. I didn't get much in the way of answers from our telephone conversation so I thought I'd post here again, the support I've received here has been brilliant in the past. I'm not sleeping very well so I'm hoping for comfort during the long hours of the night too.

I didn't. It never crossed my mind to at the time, also I felt ashamed. Later, I just didn't want to revisit it, and now it's way too late.

Even now, typing this anonymously years later I feel so ashamed of myself! And disgusted. So I've got no advice for you, but you already sound braver and more together than me discussing it on here, so well done, OP.

I hate that you feel disgusted and ashamed of yourself, Socalm. It's not fair that you should feel that way, after someone did this unthinkable thing to you. It's like you're being punished over and over, for a crime committed against you, something that wasn't your fault.

If I'm honest with myself I also feel disgust and shame. Isn't it awful that we feel this way about ourselves, through no fault of our own? Makes me so sad and angry.

You're right. It doesn't make sense!

I didn't, it's a decision that worked at the time, I'm still 'happy' I made that choice. There is no way I would have been believed, at the time in law I could also only be sexually assaulted.

If you don't report that doesn't mean you won't be able to receive support from different agencies.

For me it's more like, why didn't I beat him up? He wasn't that strong. I just let it happen. Then, I let him get away with it. Why wasn't I angrier? If I could go back, I'd grab something heavy and smash it in his face. I should have stood up for myself but I didn't.

No I didn't. I was an off the rails 16 yr old and no one would have believed me. I'm still angry about that side of it but there's no value in nurturing any wrath. It's just sad that's there's still generations of women living with all this pain and turmoil.

Change the whole not being believed thing... Weighs heavy on me too.

Socalm... I know exactly what you mean. I want to be angrier too. I want to let my dh do what he says he'd like to do to him. I keep fantasising about my rapist committing suicide or dying in a horrible accident. I don't want to deal with this anymore but I know I have to, in one way or another

If I report him everyone in work will know. If I do t report him and just leave, everyone will wonder why I left. I have a few very good friends there, who have been messaging me, concerned about me... I'm having to effectively lie to them... Why?? To protect that scum bag??

Surlycurly, same. I was also 16, always out, drinking etc. This older man took advantage of me. I'm not sure I even recognised it as rape until years later.

I was raped by a man I had been seeing on and off. It was in my , in my home with my daughter in the front room. He was pestering me for sex and I kept saying no. Eventually he sort of corralled me in the bedroom then calmly shut the door. Cornered me. I struggled, he was 6ft 3 and built like a shed. He was laughing as he flipped me over, put his arm across my neck and raped me. I couldn't move, I couldn't scream because I ddint want my daughter to come in. I went limp with my face pressed into the mattress.

I made coffee after because I didnt want HIM to think anything was wrong and I just wanted rid of him with as little fuss as possible.

He didnt seem bothered.
At the time I knew without anyone telling me that it would be a total waste of time saying anything. I invited him into my home. Previously I had consented to sex and what was different this time.
Single mother who let men into her home with her daughter present?
I mean I couldn't have even dealt with what my family would have said never mind the police or in a courtroom. So I set about forgetting all about it. Minimizing it as much as I could in my own mind to make it bearable and ot get in the way of the here and now.

I took revenge later in a round about way and I have let that satisfy me as much as possible because it let me take some power back. The revenge was very underhand and fucked him up hugely. I am sure he had his suspicions that it was me but it was a case of prove it and he couldn't plus he wasnt entirely sure I wasnt ready to go to the police about rape. I have seen him a couple of times since then and he has looked through me. Just a blank look. I am pretty sure he has done it to others and the probability is that one day a woman will go to the police if they haven't already and he will get done for it. I know that I was not a "good" victim and the circumstances were not cut and dried enough for the police to even attempt prosecution. I knew that without being told. Today I am sure it would be different. 20 years ago it would have been a waste of time. Instead I have lived well, worked hard at improving myself, had a lot of therapy, met a good man (my DH) and hope that he is not doing half as well as me. Thats all I can wish for.

Lola... I have no words, how awful. Fucking bastard knew that with your daughter in the house there was little you could do, during the rape, or after. I am boiling with rage. Also, your revenge... Does it bring you any peace? I'm glad you fucked his life up. Karma etc.

I feel that same in that people will say I always get too drunk at work parties etc and that it's not cut and dry. I couldn't bear colleagues talking about me in that way. They might say I was "up for it" but can't remember as I was drunk. As it happens I think he spiked my drink (he had offered me drugs earlier in the night and I said no)

I didn't.

It was a senior work colleague. I was fairly junior. I was very drunk; when I was able to piece the memory together, I realised he had egged and bullied me to keep drinking. I buried the whole thing mentally for a year and I was so drunk that when it did surface the whole memory was in fragments and flashes of sensation. I also had to work backwards to even determine the date, so I knew I wasn't starting from a strong basis when it came to police action. And I had texted him afterwards with a "friendly" tone (denial again).

I had some trauma therapy with a counsellor who worked with the police, and he told me honestly that he'd support whatever I wanted to do, but he wanted me to be prepared that he didn't think the police would do much.

The trauma therapy and time have helped me a lot. All the shame and guilt passed off; the day I was able to feel only righteous fucking anger at the bastard was a grand one. He also fucked himself eventually by leaving a paper trail that proved sexual harassment of another colleague.

I did the best I could for me and I don't regret it. Look after yourself. Get help

be prepared that he didn't think the police would do much

This. What's the bloody point of putting myself through further trauma, for nothing? It's so wrong that it should be like this and just means these men get away with it. It's so unfair.

I'm glad to hear you don't regret not reporting because really... I don't think I will. I hate saying that, because I want him to be punished for what he did, I want to make sure he doesn't do it again, I want people to know what he is.

I just don't know what to do about work and my friends at work. My line manager is on friendly terms with this man, although he often confides in me that there's something not right about him. I would love to tell my line manager what happened but how would that pan out? He has already said he will keep anything I tell him as confidential but my line manager isn't the most professional person at the best of times. He's my line manager but he is also a good friend, and I know he would hit the roof if he found out.

If I just bow out of my job quietly, my friends at work will ask me why. I've always maintained that if I ever left I'd have the biggest leaving party ever. How do I explain that all of a sudden I've gone, with no notice period and no goodbyes?

Interesting to note that not one person who has posted so far has reported their rape. A sad indication of the times we live in.

The fact its not surprising is also sad. What a sorry state of affairs.

I think tell your line manager. Otherwise, there might be bad feeling about you quitting with no explanation, and you may need a good reference in the future. He'd have to be a complete scumbag to blab about it if you asked to keep it private, and it sounds as though he isn't.

About nobody reporting it. Does anybody have fantasies about their rapist being prosecuted and going to jail? I don't. It was a private crime and all my revenge fantasies are private, not public. So maybe the way justice works is wrong for this kind of crime. If only there was some other, private way of acknowledging the crime and stopping him from repeating it.

Imagine the percentage of women who have experienced this sexual violence and wontbreport? Then look at the actual rates of prosecutuon and conviction and it explain it perfectly.

I hit him where it hurt and it is something likely to linger over him for the rest of his life. Obviously it isnt satisfying as sex offenders list but it made his life a steaming turd for a while. He will never feel any guilt and I'm sure he would have slagged me off I'd I went near the police and at the end of the day so would his barrister. It's their job. Not personal but it's what they get paid to do and frankly i dont need that sort of profile. There are ways of throwing a spanner in someone's life but best to plan carefully and do take a crumb of satisfaction out of it if u can. Luckily, what I knew about him were solid facts, not just a made up story, which made it stick as well.
Took my 7byears to actually do it but
I did.

I didn't. It was 18th birthday, completely smashed, he followed me into the ladies which was empty (my birthday was in Jan and the bar was out the way anyway, so very quite). The cubicle wouldn't lock, I just held it shut so it was easy for him to force his way in. Despite how drunk I was I remember everything: fighting him, pushed with my face to the cubicle, everything. No one heard my screaming because of the music and my "friends" assumed I was puking.
I pushed it all very deep down, I did think it wasn't his first time doing it or probably last, but I couldn't take all the stuff that goes along with reporting.
I think my worst thought was people I new knowing. Especially my mum.

My DD DID report it when she was attacked in a far flung place (sorry, I hate to use that word when talking about her). It was 3am ish. She wandered to the hospital and they called the police. They took it very VERY seriously. This was a place where there are huge amounts of CCTV cameras everywhere, and there is a huge facial recognition database. They identified and apprehended the culprits quickly, did all the tests, etc. There was no victim blaming crap about DD for being alone, drunk or wearing a short dress, none at all. She’s not required to return and give evidence in court or anything.
But there was also no victim support or help: she had to come back for that.

I’m not sure it would have been the same here... I admire every woman and girl who reports this; with how difficult it will be, how unlikely a conviction is, and how badly victims are sometimes treated and not believed.

OP I wouldn’t expect or hope too much that anything will happen if you report (though you never know... there may be other reports), but perhaps it may give you some closure, and at least put the bastard’s name out there.

I’m sorry this happened to you 💐

I was married, it was still legal to rape your wife. And, no, I am not 102.

Molly, that's awful. That happened to me too, also when I was 18, the way you've described it is eerily similar although I was able to fight him off before he could fully penetrate.

Interesting point about it being a private crime and therefore private justice being most fitting. I agree, going to the police and possibly court, and having your name dragged through the mud is not something you'd want to do, especially when the outcome most likely not be in your favour.

My therapist at the time reported it for me. It happened when I was young and I never told anyone, as someone else said, it would gave only been considered sexual assault. I didn't say anything until I was in my twenties and due to certain legal circumstances he was forced to report my disclosure to the police. He was the only one I told. I gave a statement to police with no details but asked them not to pursue it. I couldn't cope with my family finding out.

No I didn't.

I didn’t - happened a little over a year ago; I’m married with a child - kept it secret until it come to the “year date” broke down told husband ... still not gone to police - same emotions; feel sick thinking about it feel ashamed and all I kept saying was I didn’t ask for it I didn’t lead him on when telling hubby - no way can I have the look from family members ... so no he will get away with it.

I never have. It was about 15 year ago. I was at a party round the corner from my house & went back to mine to pick up more booze. I was already drunk and really didn't need it. One of the guys there said he'd walk me back rather than me going alone.
He launched himself at me as we got through the door. I initially kissed him back, then pushed him off. I'd been seeing one of his friends & it didn't feel right. He was much bigger than me and forced himself on me. I remember him picking me up as I tried to protest. Then it goes a bit hazy. I think he hit my head slamming against furniture or the wall.
the next thing I remember is opening my eyes & him climbing off me and saying sorry, but he couldn't help himself because of the very low cut top I was wearing.

My friends know what happened. And one of his friends was put straight by my friend after joking about us having "slept together" He phoned my a few days later to say sorry again.

It was so fucked up. But I decided I wouldn't look great in court. I was a drunk girl, wearing a revealing outfit who had willingly gone back to my house with him. I was a real party girl, always drinking at the weekend. He was a posher, PDH student at the local red brick university. I didn't think it would end well for me.

I don't regret not reporting it. I hope he's never done anything like that again. He seemed genuinely remorseful, but that's not really good enough.
It set a pattern of reckless behaviour and sleeping around for me for a while. It took a while to break that.