Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

I didn't report it, I felt ashamed that I had let my tinder date come to mine the first time I met him, I a total stranger, I felt like I had asked for it.

I often wonder if he's done it to other women.

Please can I suggest SARC to everyone. Even if it is historical. They can put you in touch with counsellors, sexual violence advisors and all sorts of help.

It's heartbreaking reading these posts. Sarc were a lifeline for me. I really hope they can help you all too

Just googled SARC. Will get in touch with them tomorrow. Thanks to those who suggested it x

Princessspotify On 7 May it is10 years since I was raped, I got my divorce 9 months later, he divorced me. He got his punishment, he suffers from MS & had a massive attack 2 years later that put him in a wheelchair, he hasn't ever had another relationship & ds doesn't want to know him, he knows what his dad did & can't forgive him for it. He has to live with what he did & so do his family, they know the truth if they only thought about it.

@Nat6999 please can you rephrase that? Because otherwise you are saying that being raped wasnt enough for me, I also have been punished by getting MS too.

It happened at uni 10 years ago and I was advised by the student counsellor not to as she told me the police never prosecute.

Pericombobulations Sorry, he was diagnosed with MS when we were married, it has been his punishment because he is now a prisoner in his own home, his family hardly bother with him, he got what he deserved, if it couldn't be prison then this is the next best thing. Yes I sound bitter because I hate him for what he did to me, not only the rape but the abuse he put me through as well. As far as I am concerned he can die a very lonely death, I don't care any more.

@Nat6999 oh I understand the hatred. I occasionally fb stalk my ex and it does cheer me to see he never married or had a family. I am just twitchy about punishment, as he told me for years everything was my fault and I would be punished, that there is a voice in my head telling me I deserve this too :(

Pericombob, you don't deserve it and I'm so sorry that you are suffering like this 💐
I don't think it's unusual for this kind of abuse to manifest itself in health issues like this not that that's any consolation for you😥
is there anything that helps with the symptoms?

I didn’t.
I blamed myself for so long for it happening and I didn’t think I would be believed.
And by the time I was angry enough to want to report it to the police I knew that I had left it too long and I just couldn’t bear the thought of having to re visit it all :(

Mine happened in 1992. Not only did he rape me, he also took my virginity and gave me an sti.
I felt no one would believe me as I'd willingly kissed and engaged in oral sex with him previously.

I also couldn't bear the thought of hurting my family, and I've always blamed myself as apart from constantly saying 'no', I froze.

I always thought I'd fight if something like that happened, but I didn't.

I don't regret not reporting it. I knew he'd get away with it. I was a flirt so no one would believe me.

Knowhowufeel2 , same here. It was my first year at university. I've always been gifted in the chest dept and that night I wasn't wearing much plus we all got totally pissed. We'd all been mucking about all night but he just took it too far. I tried to plead with him and asked him to stop but he finished inside me. Like yourself I knew they wouldn't prosecute so there was no point in reporting it. To be honest it didn't affect me too much and I was glad to put all behind me. I've never told anybody

for all of you

Well I have reported them both, using the anonymous online form on the Crimestoppers website. I am filled with crippling anxiety today, I'm really struggling. Have had to cancel a meeting so that I could stay in bed. Other than the anxiety, I just feel empty today. DS was at his dad's this weekend, and I just drank and drank. I know it's no good for me but it just helps to numb the pain.

I'm looking forward to seeing ds later today, I really missed him this weekend. I have a lovely supportive husband and that helps immensely. I also have lovely supportive family and friends. I am trying to count my blessings this morning.

@Feeeemale the anxiety feelings will be made worse by the weekend's drinking. It does block the feelings for a while but it only delays them.

I know it sounds pathetic, but have you taken a pillow to your room and screamed into it and beaten the shit out of it? It helped me get some of the trauma out of my body.

The support of others is great, but it does sound as if maybe you could do with more professional support now. Did you say you had spoken to Rape Crisis? Seeing the GP for some help with the anxiety and winding down wouldn't hurt.

This is the worst it will ever feel. It will get easier in time. Not easy but easier. Take care lovely, you have been so so brave

I didn’t and should have done
I didn’t tell anyone about it for years
It affected me so much holding it in and I feel guilty too that I could have potentially helped stop someone else having the same thing happen to them.
I was 15 and it was well known people from the senior years at my school who were well liked, and I was a bit of an outsider so didn’t have the confidence

My exh then did the night be I left him.
I never reported him either.
I was confused at the time as to whether it was rape or not

I didn't and I'm glad I didn't. But I did confront the man afterwards and told him I knew it was rape. He seemed very scared and I think that is a (small) punishment in itself. He knows I could report it at any time.

I’ve never written this down before but last month I realised that I was raped 9 years ago. My husband was my boyfriend at the time and we pieced it together (the person who raped me was my husbands best friend)

It has taken me weeks to feel less physically sick and ashamed.

I won’t be reporting it.

No one should ever feel guilt or shame for either Being raped or not reporting. They are the ones at fault, not us. If they did go on to Rape someone else, that is still solely their fault. Not ours for "not stopping them". Because chances are, knowing the few who are ever convicted, it wouldn't have stopped them.

We all do what we need to do to get through it. And that's ok. It is NEVER put fault. Ever.

Our not put!

Oh god, so sorry to you all, its just all so horrendous

I told my GP everything. She referred me to their mental health services, who I spoke to last week Monday. They said they would call me back to let me know what type of therapy I would need. I haven't heard anything back since then.

Last year I had been having therapy for something else. I go in touch with my therapist who said she would do 3 more sessions with me while I wait on the NHS. I went to one session, told her everything (I also witnessed my mum being raped and I believe I was conceived of rape)

Talking about it took everything I had. That was 3 weeks ago and I have cancelled the last 2 sessions, I just couldn't face it.

I'm not sure therapy is going to work for me. I just feel like what's the point? I told my therapist everything. But nothings changed. I just feel more exhausted.

I haven't screamed or punched a pillow. I don't have the energy. But yes, the scream is there in my throat, it weighs heavy, it's always there. I told my husband he may have to drop me off somewhere absolutely secluded, and drive off so I know 100% I'm on my own. Then I can scream. And scream. And scream.

If that's what you need to do, then do it! It can't hurt and can only help. Definitely chase up the NHS. People do forget to return calls. Therapy might not help at the moment. Maybe scream first and then therapy. I didnt have therapy tbh. But I think that's because I was more furious than traumatised. Now I feel the trauma but not at the time. Reporting to Crime stoppers helped me make my peace with it.

I was wondering. Would making the decision now that you aren't going back to work help? You dont have to tell them yet and could stay on the sick whilst you are being paid for it (if you are). But would knowing you never have to go back there help? Its hard to move something into your past if that person is still in your present IYSWIM.

Do whatever is right for you. Your DH sounds like a star.

Thank you SirChing

I don't have the energy to chase the nhs. I feel kind of relieved I haven't had to begin therapy as yet. It seems like mount everest and I don't feel ready.

I have already made the decision to not return to work, I made that decision a couple of weeks ago, and it really helped. I think I'm just having a bad day (not helped by hangover) today.

I am going to think about where is secluded enough I can go and scream so no one will hear me. I need to know I won't be noticed or I can't do it. And this scream needs to come out.

My husband is the kindest, most patient and loving man I've ever met. I am glad (and so is he, he tells me every day) that despite all my horrific experiences with men, I didn't give up on them altogether. He loves me even when I am pushing him away, on days like today when I don't want to be kissed or touched, he understands. He doesn't use any of it against me, he doesn't go into a sulk. He continues to be loving and respectful to me. I feel very fortunate to have found him. In fact I think a lot of this has come out because for the first time in my life I feel safe.

This thread has had me in tears :(
I’m so sorry for all of you.

My mum was raped last year, she made her way home and then called my hysterical.
I went round, she wasn’t herself I suspect she had been drugged on top of the shock of her trauma. She wanted to go bed and forget about it.
I persuaded her to call the police, it was horrendous hearing her relive it but I was so glad I could be there to provide her with support.
The man was identified from his semen in my mums underwear (I feel sick even typing that) she had no idea who he was and still doesn’t.
The police made some mistakes and lost some evidence so when it finally went to the CPS 9 months later they said not enough evidence to prosecute.
The man who did it was originally arrested and denied even being in the area on that night. Simple CCTV from the bar would have put them both there and brought a conviction but the police didn’t go to the bar until 6 months later and they only keep 3 months worth of cctv so there was nothing.
They also misplaced her urine sample so there is no proof that she was drugged.

Despite that entire thing feeling pointless I would hugely urge anyone to please please report rapes still.
These disgusting creatures rely on people not reporting them.
The man who attacked my mum was known to the police for some reason which we can’t be told. He is now on their system as being accused of rape.
If he hurt someone else and it was reported and he was identified it would be another mark against his name if you like, every single report helps.

Also please seek counselling, the charity MIND provide counselling for a small fee.

Sending everyone on this thread so much love

Oh your poor mum.

No words. For any of these stories.