Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

I just hope that there a lot of men out there, living in fear that their victims might suddenly decide to report them.

I also think that a lot of these men don't believe they did anything wrong. That is why they can stand there and swear that they never did what they were accused of. They redefine rape and sexual assault in their heads to make it something they would never do...what they did was....something else. But definitely not rape, they would never do that.

Thank you @Feeeemale, I feel very similarly to you. I know that it wasn't my fault and it never is a woman's fault, and that I shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty or embarrassed and if a friend came to me and told me this had happened to her I would say the exact same thing to her, but even though I am very passionate about feminism and women's rights, there was still a part of me that felt like I caused it.

It's probably from conditioning like you said, and maybe my only problems with self esteem etc that I can't be as supportive to myself as I would to someone else.

And then there's the other side of it, that it wasn't a violent rape, I wasn't attacked in my home, he wasn't some predatory monster. He was just a man, who saw an opportunity with a woman who was drunk and took her saying no as just being a bit hard to get.

Zaphod... YY. I often think that my rapist either didn't he did anything wrong, or that he just didn't think anything of it at all. Like it was nothing, like I was nothing. I do hope these men spend some time living in fear and worrying about being reported.

And yes addler that's exactly it. Your 2nd post resonated with me so much too.

@Feeeemale said: I often think that my rapist either didn't he did anything wrong

To try get my head around this topic I've done a lot of reading/research over years to try better understand why, how, motivations, etc (can you tell I work in science area? :)) One thing this is very clear is that these people are sexual predators, they plan, know what they will do, follow a script, look for vulnerable time/place/person. And it's almost never a once-off, they repeat crimes. They know what they do, and they know it is wrong.

In @Addler 's case he picked someone while drunk/vulnerable. That's a deliberate decision.

We don't know @Feeeemale 's detail, but again he probably selected a time/place when he knew he could get away with it, not caught, etc.

In summary, rapists know exactly what they do, they are sexual predators.

Bellmyring... Makes absolute sense when written out.

After I left my abusive ex, I also did a lot of reading and research into abusive personalities. I struggled so much with believing my ex knew he was abusing me, I couldn't get my head around why someone would knowingly treat another human being like that. That there must be some excuse, some reason why he was like that.

I came to the same conclusion. And of course its the same with rapists, they know what they are doing. They are predators and opportunists.

Makes me sick.

@Feeeemale, luckily I have little/no direct experience with abusive personalities and relationships. It's interesting that you did research and reading around a topic to try understand it too! It's been unsettling at times, but a great help ... as is talking with people. It gets thinks in the open, you gain more perspective, feel not alone, and so on.

I'm really glad you haven't experienced an abusive relationship... Its quite rare these days to hear someone who hasn't!

Knowledge is power though and yes I have done a hell of a lot. And yes speaking to people helps immensely. Hearing others opinions and experiences... And also just to have their support of a hand hold.

Bell... Can you recommend any books / websites / articles? TIA x

So, having been crying for most of the week and didn't feel strong enough to post.

I was assured this week would be the week we'd get a conclusion. On Tuesday I got a call from HR to say it'd take another 3 weeks.

It's gone from being assured it would take 2 weeks... Now it'll be 11 weeks if I'm lucky.

I cannot stop crying. I feel like I am not part of my body sometimes. I am either totally disconnected from reality, or feeling intense pain, physical pain my my chest and stomach.

I wish I'd said nothing and got on with my life. It's taken too long and I've been living in limbo torture for too long

I am also missing normal interaction with my friends and family. My DH and dc are amazing. But I really miss normality. Everything seems like a nightmare atm.

@Feeeemale I just wanted to say that I have read your post and followed the thread for a while. I'm trulybsorry that you're struggling at the moment and that HR aren't being as swift as you deserve. I want to encourage you that you have acted courageously and indeed, inspirationally.
Keep on keeping on. This too shall pass

Thank you so much for replying, FatBottomedGurl I really appreciate your support.

Yesterday was horrendous. I now know the meaning of the phrase "beside yourself"

I am feeling a lot better today, having seen my 2 best friends for the first time in 12 weeks. They were a tonic. I will keep on Keeping on xxx

@Feeeemale, I hope you don't take my post in the wrong way...but...I would be careful with respect to hopes/expectations. You can't control the timing, or the outcome, you can only look after yourself.

As with many (most?) victims of crime, you may not get a sense that justice was done.

Of course I really hope things work out for you. Additionally I'd love if the rapist lost their job, lost their friends, their future. But that does not always happen.

Bell... Can you recommend any books / websites / articles? TIA x

It's always best to get support of professionals.But since you did ask about my reading.

"The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" is a very famous book. It is easy to read. When you read it, you will understand how/why you feel like you do, and it that it is normal, and there are successful approaches to manage.

I also found the closed/private forum www.aftersilence.org/forum/ very helpful. Sadly I could see many people had similar experiences. As with all forums, it can be hit/miss, but I got good support.

Finally, I read some books and attended some events that related to my experience. I'll always remember Winnie Li speaking about her book Dark Chapter, it resonated with me. And I've read books from a few others too, it helped me feel not alone.

Just ordered the book, thank you.