Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

I don't know what the answer is but I used the crime stoppers website to report a perpetrator who sexually assaulted me when I was a child, if every victim gave the name of the person who assaulted them then crimestoppers would have a database and the dots could be joined.
I know things are bad but I think they will improve as we helping and educate each other, look for the most effective ways to speak out etc.
Why are they like this?
Because society allows it, facilitates it, turns a blind eye, crushes the victims, protects the perpetrators, but that can change

I didn't report mine.
Like a previous poster I a "party girl" always up for a drink and a laugh. I was out with work and we got talking to a group of men, they worked as stockbrokers in the city.
He was charming, we swapped numbers. Fast forward weeks and a few flirty texts and phone calls and he took me out for dinner. He asked if I wanted to go back to his flat. We we got there he put the kettle on and made me a cup of tea, we chatted some more and then he kissed me. Then then start to grab at me I asked him to stop and he said no. He then pinned me down and raped me. I froze, just wanted it to be over. Afterwards I got dressed he said he needed a shower and could I make my own way back to the tube. I was in so much shock I just wanted to go home. He even kissed me on the cheek when I left.
I didn't report as I'd gone home with him and the messages that had been exchanged would show that I found him attractive and sex was on the agenda. I totally understand that sex and rape are not the same. I just thought it would be used against me. I never heard from him again.
I have googled him though and I found that back in 2010 he got into a lot of trouble for illegal/underhand trading.It was in the tabloids. That has bought me some comfort.
I tried to deal with the aftermath myself by putting it to the back of my mind. In the end I was crippled with anxiety and i sought therapy. It did help and I have coping mechanisms.
It makes me sad that there are so many stories are here.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you Princessspotify💐
That man is despicable, he knew exactly what he was doing he knew that he could get away with his attack and that he had plausible deniability etc. The kiss on the cheek was all part of the act, designed to crush and humiliate you by acting as if nothing untoward happened.
I think there's a good chance that he is a serial predator in all areas of life, you still could give his name in anonymously?

if every victim gave the name of the person who assaulted them then crimestoppers would have a database and the dots could be joined
I know things are bad but I think they will improve as we helping and educate each other, look for the most effective ways to speak out etc
Why are they like this?
Because society allows it, facilitates it, turns a blind eye, crushes the victims, protects the perpetrators, but that can change

So much THIS! No-one should feel obligated to report to Crime stoppers, but it would help so much. Then when one woman does take it further, she possibly has lots of other statements and women behind her. And the fucker is more likely to be found guilty.

We shouldn't HAVE to change things. The men should be doing that. And all we can do is being boys up to be better, along with their fathers being good role models.

These men can rape our bodies, but they don't get to rape our minds too. Fuck them, they aren't worth that power over us.

Thank-you @ UYscuti. I believe you are right. I have often thought about reporting which is why I googled him. It also turns out he's now married with a daughter. That makes me sick.

'What is the crime or incident you would you like to tell us about?
Thank you for deciding to tell us about a crime. We know it can be a really difficult decision to speak out so it’s great that you’ve taken the first step. Crimestoppers takes information about crime 100% anonymously. We want to make sure that you are in the right place before you start to give us the details about the crime'
crimestoppers-uk.org/give-information/forms/pre-form

at the end of this form you can create an anonymous login, it's not linked to your identity in any way and then you can go back and add to the details if you want to

@00UYScuti thanks for that. I just reported my abuser. That was so cathartic. Little nervous now that they will arrest him and he will know it was me. I'm assuming not. Surely it's just to have his name and details down so if someone else reports its more stuff against him?

OP, how would you feel about messaging him and saying "You raped me. I don't know if I'm going to report it or not". That way even if you don't, it might make him think about what he's done. He might be worried that he'll get taken to court at the very least. What ever he may answer back, even if it's denial on his part - he knows what he did, and he'll be one hundred percent sure that you do too. Could this be a very small version of justice?

@Chipsahoy

I am seeing my sexual violence advisor next week and I will ask her more about crime stoppers. She suggested it as an alternative to the police so I'm sure she knows the system.

If it helps - she said it's totally anonymous. So that's one of the drawbacks - that you'll not get feedback or hear from them again even if he is being investigated (unless you leave your details. She said there was a way of doing that) so no I don't think he can trace it back to you. And sadly I doubt you're the only person he did this to.

I asked her about the percentage of cases that make it to court. Cps have to decide whether to prosecute. She said it was high but the prosecutions are just sickeningly low. 2-3% in my area result in convictions. I was put off reporting on the basis that I would go through hell for two years for what? Likely he'd get off Scott free

I would totally be behind any campaign to raise awareness of crime stoppers. If more women knew they could report anonymously the police can build a much bigger picture of what's really happening. Also I'd want Sarc to be better known. If it wasn't for you lot I wouldn't have known. My gp had no idea. Can we get mn behind it?

Christ I'm sorry. These stories are terrible, am so angry on behalf of you all. I've got off lightly here. Have put myself in dodgy situations in the past but came out unscathed. I can see how easy the opposite can happen.
I'm just so fucking sorry

My guess is that most people don't report partly because they don't think a conviction is likely but also because they believe that they are the only victim, and feeling as if it only happened to see you feed into the feeling that it was your fault.
However, sexual predators who feel entitled to exploit others in this way are very probably serial offenders, each time they get away with it they feel in emboldened and they also refine their techniques.
If everyone submitted the names of sexual predators who have attacked them I wonder what those clusters of dots would look like?
And if you saw that cluster of dots you would know absolutely and with certainty that it was not your fault.

OP, how would you feel about messaging him and saying "You raped me. I don't know if I'm going to report it or not".

Reading this sentence literally made my heart somersault and I felt physically sick to my stomach. I don't think I have the courage to do something so bold.

I will definitely report via Crimestoppers (both my rapes) and I agree there should be more awareness around this, I had absolutely no idea this was something I could do.

I would be more than happy to get involved in any type of campaign. I volunteer at Women's Aid, maybe I could speak to someone? I'm fairly new so don't really know many people yet but it could be a good way to get something done.

#20WhatsYourFavouriteHummingNoise
Thanks. I know he did it to at least three others, at the same time as me. I also reported him when I was an adult as he raped me when I was 21. They believed me but given the situation at the time, the police basically told me to run, get away. As conviction would be long and drawn out of it even made it to court and he was highly dangerous to me.
So I ran. And I have a new and wonderful life. And years and years of grueling life changing therapy. Life is good. I'm back in therapy right now, just for an outlet really and lately find myself getting angry in a way I haven't before. It feels good and empowering.
What a day to report him again, international women's day. It reminds me of the warrior I am

To those who have been through it more recently, it can and will get better. Honestly, up until the last few weeks and as part of therapy, I've barely thought of him, or the past. It used to consume me. I was dealing with cptsd from 7 years of abuse and I could barely function. Now he's irrelevant to me and I feel I live beyond and above it most of the time. It will get better. Unfortunately I just don't think we will get closure in the form of prosecution, and we have every right to be angry about that.

Love and light to you all.

No

The one when I was young it would have been he said she said and it didn't cross my mind, I just knew that there was no point. It was also years ago when the message girls grew up with around sex offences was very peculiar, eg with flashers it was implicitly understood that we should 'laugh it off' or with other stuff that we should somehow deal with it ourselves, not make a fuss etc.

The more recent one no as was again he said she said, no injuries etc and I wasn't sober. And it's someone close to me so it would be a big hoo ha and wouldn't go anywhere with police so no.

I wasn't raped. But someone tried to rape me. When I was 15. I managed to kick them off. Screaming for my life. I never reported it. Actually it started off a chain of events which made everyone think I was a liar. It was fucking awful. Wouldn't ever repeat it.

I did not, in the 1980's marital rape was not even a thing, I would have been laughed out of court and it wasn't worth it. I just divorced him instead.
Quite honestly you are presenting them with two historic rapes. You will be grilled in court and there is a definite possibility that both men will get off and you will be left extremely distressed.
I very much doubt there will be any evidence after all this time and they cannot convict without any evidence.
You need to sit down and work out exactly what evidence you have or might be able to get circumstantial or otherwise and discuss this with someone who knows what they are talking about.
I have known women who have been left suicidal by the court process.
Your other option is to go for counselling.

No, because like many others, I was engaged to him, shared a bed every night with him, and in the early 90's whilst things were beginning to change but marital rape was still not considered as a thing by many police. I stayed with him afterwards, and although he never did it again, I stopped wanting sex with him as I was terrified of it happening again. I did leave him several years later, as he was abusive in many ways.

I talked to friends after we split up and was saddened to hear how many others had stories. Ex's mostly. One had her drink spiked by a random. Nearly all of us didnt report it.

The only one of us brave enough to go through, had it happen from a member of a no.1 pop group (in the 90's) who she had dated previously. The band had obviously got money to invest in top people who got him off. I believed her, and even now when I hear that band, it gives me the creeps. She hadnt reported it to get any money but to make sure he never did it again.

I do believe more people are reporting it now, but its still so hard to get justice. Very sad to read of all the similar stories on here. Some people are horrible.

Sorry if that came across as shocking OP - I didn't mean to upset you further. But it's just interesting that that harsh truth makes you feel bad and not him....

Cmagic... Its fine please don't worry. It just never even crossed my mind to do such a thing. Maybe I should!! Although I don't think I could deal with any drama.

I am waiting for counselling, mad cat. And no, there is no existence from either rape. I definitely won't be reporting it to the police. The stories of court are absolutely horrendous and there's no way I'd put myself through it when there is zero chance of him being found guilty... If it even got to court.

Reading all your stories... Its just so fucking unfair... You're all so strong, each and every one of you. And I think you for sharing. You've helped me make peace with my decision (I kinda always knew I'd not report to the police). But also thank you for pointing out anon reporting via Crimestoppers. I now feel like I've done something useful, in a small way.

Existence... Evidence

@Feeeemale The problem is, sending a message to him prewarns him. It allows him to go round your workplace and tell everyone that you are accusing him of rape and that you are nuts and it isn't true. That could be a lot to take on at the moment.

Re the crimestoppers thing, I think if the policr ever want to contact you, it goes through an encrypted system so they don't know who they are contacting. Then you can either drop the anonymity and be a witness for some one else, or not. That's how Rape Crisis explained it to me, anyway.

I would also advise everyone to detail as many personally identifying features of the perp as possible. So if they have a birthmark or their dick is angled to one side, include that. It's stuff a woman couldn't know without being exposed to their penis.

I wish everyone on this thread the absolute best. Things WILL change for our daughters. Look at people making statements to Crime stoppers on this thread. We will MAKE it change

I didnt. I didnt want my family to have to deal with the stress because I knew they were going through their own struggles.

I also naively believed i deserved it because use I'm not a good person and i was ridiculously drunk.

i was only 17.

i wish i had reported it

I was raped by my then husband, an ordinary friday night, I'd gone to bed to watch television, he was on his computer in spare bedroom, ds who was 6 was asleep in next bedroom. He came into go to bed, ripped my pyjamas off me & raped me, I didn't make a sound, just wrapped my arms around myself, he was so violent my head ended up through the rails of the bed against the wall, eventually he stopped, put the light out & went to sleep, I spent all night on the edge of the bed shaking. Next morning he acted as if everything was normal, I was in shock & it was like I was in a trance. 10 days later I took ds & left him, it took a month for me to tell anyone what had happened, I told my solicitor who advised me to tell the police. I did the video interview & several more interviews with the police, but the CPS wouldn't accept the case to go to court. I was left with PTSD & attempted suicide 5 times in 3 months, I had to have counselling & lost my job through the gaslighting, threats & the time I was off sick.

I have been raped by two different men, both times when I was in a relationship with them. It was all about power and control for them. I have never told anyone or reported it, but both relationships were abusive. I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it and it has affected my ability to have relationships now. I tend to date a guy for a short while and then end the relationship as I dread letting anyone get close to me. I know that I should seek counselling.

@Nat6999 your story gave me goosebumps. How are things now?