Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

I didn’t.

It took years to break through my shame and recognise that it was rape.

Thank you everyone for sharing, for you all. Such sad stories and it's upsetting to see the running theme here of the victim feeling shame, which is just so wrong. I do feel better (for want of another word) that all of you decided not to report, because I know I probably won't, and knowing im in the overwhelming majority of non-reports, makes me feel less anxious / ashamed / pressured.

I spoke to my line manager just now and told him everything. He was in shock, but as I knew he would be, very supportive and kind. I am so glad I told him and I trust he will keep my confidence. He just wants to help in any way he can. I said there's not much you can do! I feel a weight has lifted by telling him, but also that lump in my chest is still there and all I want to do is scream and scream until I have no more voice left to scream.

Thats good your manager is being supportive Feeeemale.
I totally understand why you might not report.
I would recommend getting some therapy if you can. My friends wanted me to report it. I told them why I wasn't going to and asked then to never talk about it again. And to their credit they haven't. I'm not sure pretending it hadn't happened was the best thing to do on reflection, but that's what I wanted at the time.

I did exactly the same, pretended it never happened. Although it was always there. Every time I had to pretend to laugh at his stupid jokes. Every time he talked over me in meetings. Every time we went out as a group for a pub lunch and be in a round with him. It didn't do any good though. Once the cracks started showing, there was no stopping it.

I'm on the waiting list for therapy, hopefully it's not too long. But my manager said take as long as I need and he understands that I may never want to come back for as long as that bastard is sitting opposite me. He spoke about getting ourselves moved.

I didn't say it but I don't think I will ever go back. I can't be in the same building as that scum bag.

No.

I was sexually assaulted by a friends dad, and I didn’t want to report because i didn’t want to ruin her life.

My parents were furious with him but understood why I didn’t. I was banned from going round her house again (happily)

I also didn’t report my ex bf trying to force himself on me.

I just wanted to pretend it didn’t happen

Plus I really didn’t want to deal with the police.

Most crimes are innocent until proved guilty, whereas with rape and sexual assault, you have to prove YOURE innocent

I always thought if it happened to me I definitely would. That I would feel angry and want justice. But I didn’t feel angry at all and I didn’t report it. I felt frightened and disgusted and deeply, deeply shocked and did not want to have to relive it all in police interviews or a court.

I was also blind drunk that night and knew there would be CCTV and witnesses to me acting flirtatiously and ‘up for it’. I also have a history of mental ill health. And I had young children at the time. I just couldn’t face my whole character being assassinated and my family being subjected to such an ordeal.

I did manage to go to a Havens centre immediately afterwards, had a medical exam, gave my clothes as evidence and spoke to a wonderful social worker who made it clear she believed me and it was my choice whether to report it or not. I’m glad I did that.

I had therapy for a year after, which helped. I don’t regret not reporting or feel guilty. I simply couldn’t do it at that time.

I hope you can make the right decision for you .

Because of the circumstances I didn't feel able to report.

I was lulled into thinking I was seeing a good guy. I didn't consent to what he did to me, he hurt me and wouldn't stop. He also sabotaged the protection, it's his m.o. How many other women has he done this to and getting away with it. An evil monster in his 60s. He had me shower after, I thought about driving straight to the police but didn't. I had consented so far but not to what he did and he knew it. He later threatened me. Be careful who you trust and what you believe.

I was 18 im now 55 didn’t report. I never think about it it’s in the past

I didn't. It was on Oct 1994. I was 16. I was so incredibly naive to life and never knew 'normal looking young guys' rape. I had never been touched by a soul before. Part of my mind, body and soul shattered that night. It's taken years to internally heal as I had gone with him willingly. Even felt excited to have someone interested in me..... what a mind f#ck.

I never told a soul till my 30s. Never really wanted to own it. Undiagnosed ptsd deep down I reckon.

He's hugely successful now. As is his geriatrician wife. However I know - and perhaps even he knows - that once he really damaged someone. At least I hope he knows.

Would I report now? If it happened now?

I'm not sure. I'd be scared of the ramifications,I know that sounds pathetic.

Sending a hug to all those of you whom have been assaulted. I'm so sorry it happened to you too.

I did. It was a so called boyfriend. Nothing happened.
He was forcing me to work on Adult work, for two years. He was raping me as well. I got away by telling a punter who helped me go the police, who said it wasn't illegal to make someone work like that if they were over the age of consent. They tried him for rape but he walked.
The judge actually told me it's not possible to rape a prostitute. His defence told the jury I lied for a living so why should they believe a word I was saying.

I didn't but I didn't know his name or anything about him. Honestly it didn't even cross my mind to report at the time. Sorry for everyone who has been through this.

Vampire, I'm lost for words. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I didn’t. It was the eighties and it was my long term boyfriend. I’ve thought about reporting it periodically since but I know it wouldn’t go anywhere

If I'm honest. As crazy and unrealistic as this sounds, I could probably lay it to rest better if he just said f#cking sorry.

I know what you mean @Iwonder777. The acknowledgement of damage done.

I was 21 and raped by someone I considered to be my best friend. I think about it daily. I carry the weight with me but it was helped me get some closure by going to court.
The police were fantastic although it took three years to get to court. The process is draining and traumatic but it helped me. Although I appreciate it is a very individual thing.

So sorry this has happened to you and all posters.

I didn't.

I was told repeatedly that my mental health history would be manipulated to discredit me in court. I was terrified that he would be found innocent and I'd be branded a liar who cried rape against a "pillar of the community"

He died, suddenly, several years later and some people who recalled our friendship sent me their best, which was chilling and weird.

After the rape itself and then his death, I uncovered he'd had a history of sexually inappropriate behaviour, which other people knew of, but never put me in the picture about.

He being both young and "a pillar of the community" was somewhat deified in death and I am certain there are some people who would still or do still believe he never could have.

I was raped by my friend and he was considered "one of the good guys" and this juxtaposition of the fact and the idea is something I'll never quite process

to all posters affected

God, I'm so sorry to all of you. I'm quite speechless with all these stories. All of you are so strong and resilient.

vampirethriller, horrific. I honestly have no words xx

Spanner... Wow. Stories like this make me want to report. You are empathetic to their family which indicates the lovely and kind person you are. But please don't waste another moment thinking of them. HE did this to his family. Not you. Fair play to you. It's great to hear someone has actually been brought to book.

I wish I'd have had your rage.

I knew when I was on my way home that I should go to the police straight away. But I just wanted to wash and cry and sleep.

You should be proud of yourself, you were do brave. and that's not to say anyone who hasn't reported have nothing to be proud of. All of us should be proud of ourselves for still being here and living our lives after such a violation.

Whatever you choose to do OP, we'll be rooting for you. You're NOT alone.

No I didn't, I had just turned 18 and was drunk. If I had my time again I would report it.

No I didn't. I never will. I put myself in that situation and I couldn’t face the shame of explaining how it happened.