Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

Thank you everyone, for sharing your stories and for your support. We are survivors together. I didn't get much sleep last night, thinking about different scenarios, what I'd like to happen to him, what might happen if I reported him. I even imagined a scenario where I went back to work to work my notice... Had a leaving party... Where I publicly announced the real reason I was leaving. I even had the dramatic pointing at the bastard 😂 and everyone gasping

In reality I will probably never return. Use my time off to find work elsewhere, and leave quietly. Not report anything and move on.

Also to the PP who got revenge on their attacker... I would love to know how this happened and I fantasise about doing it myself somehow. Did it being you peace? People say the best revenge is living your best life. But he doesn't give a shit if I'm living my best life.

My only slight comfort is knowing how furious he is that I got away. He thought he'd got a meal ticket for life (my life, not his) and money is his God. I took that away from him when I ran away.

No, never reported any of the sexual abuse or rapes I’ve experienced. Got close to reporting my father, but only because my mum found out about the abuse and notified social services - was then ambushed at a counselling session by my mother and someone from social services. Couldn’t bear the thought of my father being arrested (I was a child, and not ready to see him for what he was).

As an adult, the situations where it happened were within relationships, at least casual ones. It would have been pointless.

The prosecution rate (not conviction rate, just prosecution rate) is 1.7% - unless it’s cut and dried it feels pointless. I feel like all women should be able to report and have things investigated, but I know that’s not what happens and I don’t blame anyone for being reluctant.

Looking back I don’t know if I regret it or not. I don’t think a conviction would have helped - a trial certainly wouldn’t have helped.

I did and it went to court. He walked due to lack of evidence. He tells everyone that I made it up and it was a false accusation. He’s even talked about trying to have me prosecuted. We both know he won’t because we both know he did everything I said. Basically I am one of the statistics. I can not recommend strongly enough to any women to concentrate on your own recovery and survival. The criminal justice system will victimise you all over again.

Mine was by my husband on several occasions and weird forced sexual practices. I'm nearly 45 and I ws in my 20s at the time. I never reported it because at the time I was shit scared of him. Years later I have still not done so because even is cussing it distresses me. I have tried to open up to therapists about it but I didn't get as far as I should because all I did was sob my heart out. I didn't report the physical, emotional, psychological or financial abuse either. Coercive control is a crime now but it wasn't so I felt pretty powerless.

Feeemale if you have any thoughts that you might one day want to make a report or statement, it might be worth making a record of all the salient information - date, time, circumstances, sequence of events, plus follow up, particularly if you communicated afterwards and why you might not have sounded like a "rape victim". Save copies of any texts, call logs etc. That way the info is there and preserved if you ever need it.

I do still consider making a statement to police in the hopes that it can one day form part of a pattern, as the fuckstick is without doubt a serial predator, and I could have done with doing the above.

Incidentally, I would love to hear from anyone who has tips about reporting a historical assault (it was ten years ago now) for the purposes of making a statement rather than seeking prosecution. Are the police likely to be receptive? I don't know. I feel I am emotionally secure enough to do it now but perhaps I should let sleeping dogs lie.

All these stories...

Makes me think it will never stop, men will forever be able to demean women, violate them, keep them down. We don't have a real or meaningful voice in this society when it comes to sexual assault and rape. Men are overwhelmingly getting away with it. I can't see how this will ever change and that is really hard to accept. It makes me feel pretty hopeless. I have two little boys and all I can do is ensure they grow up to be kind, caring and respectful individuals. We talk about feminism and consent a lot in our house (in an age appropriate way). I hope I this small way I can make a change. I always encourage them to speak up against sexism. My husband also does this actively, he has pulled men up about sexist comments a few time. I'm proud to call him my husband and he is the reason I know there ARE good men out there.

Chainsaw... I feel this way about my first rape. I wonder if I could report it just so it's on file, but not want to take it further?

Also... Work Rapist messaged me on FB after I left his flat, we aren't friends on there so it went to the other folder. It was friendly chit chat, I can't even remember now. But I deleted them straight away as I didn't want him on my phone, I wanted to just wipe away anything to do with him. The dress I was wearing, I gave to charity. I do have dates and times, and photos of the night... Although none with him.

I have witnesses who can say that I was so out of it I couldn't walk or talk and that he piled me into a cab with him and said he'd take care of me. I am certain he spiked my drink, he had offered me drugs earlier in the night, he handed me a bag of brown stuff as I was walking into the toilet, I didn't know what it was and I didn't take any of it.

It's pretty well known that he sells drugs to certain people at work.

I was raped (and otherwise coerced into sex) several times by my ex.

I have never reported it because there's no point. He denies it (because he's got an incredible capacity for rewriting history) and it's my word against his. There's no way a jury would convict the bastard. Reporting it would just have made the whole thing more traumatic for me for no purpose at all.

In fact, I haven't actually told many people in real life at all (posting anonymously online is very different). I've told my best friend and I told my fiancé. No one else. I just don't want to tell anyone and I did at various points regret telling my fiancé because he can't understand why I won't report it or tell the whole world. But it's just not something I want people to know about.

I do think the low reporting and conviction rates for rape are a bit of an unsolveable issue. It's hard to see how any victim in a rape in a relationship situation (especially where there's no additional violence - leaving marks etc) to get over the 'beyond reasonable doubt' hurdle. It's hard enough in any case, but where it's your partner and father of your children (and he denies it) it's often completely impossible.

Sorry you’re going through this, and apologies if my story may not be what you want to hear
I was raped by an acquaintance. I didn’t tell anyone at first (I thought he didn’t understand how serious it was, didn’t realise the impact, hadn’t “meant it”. God knows why I thought that, he pinned me down, I said no repeatedly, I couldn’t move to get away.)
He tried to do the same to a friend a few weeks later. She fought him off, then took an overdose (luckily not serious). She decided not to report either, but told other friends.
I spoke to the rapist, told him how wrong it was. He apologised.
I spoke to my friend, told her what had happened and that I was going to report what he’d done to me to stop him doing it again. I explained I understood her decision not to. She then decided to report and we both went to the police.
The police were lovely.
It went to court. Court was hell, the worst part of the experience. They said I was lying to support my friend. They said if it had happened I’d have told someone straight away. They said I wouldn’t have continued living in the same accommodation block. They highlighted a transcription error in my statement (long shirt had been typed instead of long skirt, I hadn’t noticed when signing) as evidence of discrepancy in my story and said I was making it up. They said if I’d been raped I wouldn’t have approached him later as I’d have been terrified. They said rape victims blame themselves and as I wasn’t I must be lying.
He got not guilty for raping me.
He was found guilty of sexual assault on my friend and served a 9 month sentence. He got not guilty of attempted rape as there was “no evidence he was capable of rape”.
I went on to suffer severe depression and lost my career as a result. I still have flashbacks to the court case.
Whatever you decide to do, I’m thinking of you

My god.

That's awful @Howmanysleepsnow.

Thing is, all those assumptions that you must be lying and myths about how a rape victim must feel and act are absolutely endemic in society. And the adversarial courts system will necessarily play on them (to the point that it can feel like the victim is no trial rather than their rapist). So it's hard to see how there could be any system that is fair to victims.

It's really stupid because why on earth would anyone want to put themselves through the ordeal of reporting and going to court if they weren't telling the truth?

Yes @WooMaWang. I hesitated to post as I didn’t want to put people off reporting, but in many ways the court experience was as bad as the rape (and left me feeling worse). I decided it’d be unfair not to post as the decision to report was ultimately so damaging to my mental health and my life moving forward, and anyone reporting deserves to know more than I did about the potential implications. I really hope others can post about some more positive outcomes!

I didn't. It would never hold up in court and it was a long time ago now.
I went home with a guy, we had sex, using protection. I was drunk and as sober would never have done it. I knew him vaguely before as a friend of a friend.
Then I woke up next morning to him penetrating me. It took me a while to understand what was happening and he wasn't using a condom of course. It really really effed up my life though. Started having anxiety soon after, lost all my self esteem. Worst thing is, he doesn't realise it was rape. I've seen him a few times after and he is always very friendly. It makes me feel doubly conflicted because of course I concented the night before so he assumed it would also be OK in the morning. How awful that men think this is OK.

Nope, I’m a walking fucking cliche.
Abused as a child, went off the rails at 17ish, ended up in a violent, coercive, sexually abusive relationship until I was 25. Chuck in a few minor sexual assaults at work in between.
I just freeze, every fucking time. Just freeze.
Recently I was in Lidl and a bloke stroked my arse. I just froze again. It was like I’m this well trained puppet.
Don’t scream, don’t shout, don’t tell. Just let it happen.

I wished I could have reported the relationship one, I’ve no doubt he’s done it before and done it since. But the police were different then (2005), and coercive control wasn’t understood.

I’m on a very male oriented forum due to my work, and there’s often threads about rapes that are in the news. Most of them just don’t get how big this problem is, how prolific and just how few report. Sometimes there’s some really vile stuff written, I don’t bite as there’s no point arguing it.

I remember sitting in a room randomly thrown together girls, all different areas of the country, different socioeconomic groups and 9 of the 10 had been raped

Nope I didn’t and glad I didn’t. No regrets at all

Howmanysleeps I am glad you posted. Its the harsh reality and I needed to hear that.

After reading all the replies I am 99.9% certain I won't be reporting. Its just not worth it. Its a sorry state of affairs but unfortunately that's just the way it is.

I don't know whether to tell my close friends at work about the real reason I'm off... They are all in contact with me, worried about me, and I hate lying to them. But then if I start telling people it might turn into gossip. Then again, why shouldn't I let them know the type of man they are working with? I dunno

The current system is clearly failing, when 98.3% of reported rapes don’t lead to a prosecution.

I wonder if there’s another way.

We all know that the vast majority of these cases are acquaintance or partner rape, the sort of assault that’s very difficult to prove. But when there’s a pattern of them from the same man (which there usually is, if they think it’s okay to have sex without consent) it’s easier.

What if the rape charities or even the police ran an encrypted database of statements. You could give the details you have, and as much of a statement if you wish, and indicate whether you would want to pursue a case. Any physical evidence from a SARC could be logged. Then police could search it when they get a report and see if other victims match. It would mean that women wouldn’t have to make a police report if they felt unable and felt it was pointless, but their statements could be used in a future case against their rapist.

I don’t know, it’s just off the top of my head. It feels ridiculous to even suggest it because this should be the police’s job, but the system as it stands doesn’t work.

Sink, that actually sounds like a very good idea on the face of it. I'd be more than happy to "report" it in this way. Why haven't the police thought of this??

Sinkgirl I would also report under such a system.

I can see the objection would be unsubstantiated reports and if anyone accessed it, it could be very damaging to innocent men (that’s what MRAs would say). It could be done in such a way however where the information is randomised and only police could find out the actual names, rather than ID numbers which would all that was relevant.

They could also possibly establish patterns of crime via similar MOs, where names aren’t given - then all it takes is one person to make a database with the name and they could have a suspect’s name for a string of reports.

I can see it could work, but it’s very delicate so would have to be carefully managed.

Sorry, not sure what I typed in that first para! I mean all the statements could be given an ID number rather than include the alleged attacker’s name, and only the police would have the info to link a name to the ID number.