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Original poster

Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

214 replies

Feeeemale · 05/03/2020 05:40

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

OP posts:
SirChing · 09/03/2020 12:03

@Feeeemale I am so glad you have your husband. He sounds fabulous. If Ever you want to rage or just offload, feel free to PM. I will shut up and just listen if that's what you need.

@Loubylou9162 Your poor mum Sad

SirChing · 09/03/2020 12:06

The problem seems to be, with the police, that they make stupid mistakes and we have to push them. Just at a time when we feel least able to do so. When we need guiding and to be fought for, not to have to fight ourselves. Is there anything we can do about that?

UYScuti · 09/03/2020 12:10

I feel like we need some kind of mediator or facilitator to help victims get the best response from the police?

Ttcbabybennett · 09/03/2020 12:14

I didn’t, I was 16 at the time and ended up with an abusive 21 year old boyfriend who forced me into threesomes to get him drugs/ a job. I was too afraid and ashamed to report it then, held it in for years and needless to say I now have a mental illness. All I can say from my side of the wall is, you’re braver than I was already and if you do decide to report it we will all be here to support you as will any charities you contact. Times thankfully are different now to back then so I feel confident you’ll get more support than I would have over 15 years ago. Flowers

Original poster
Feeeemale · 09/03/2020 12:16

You are so kind, SirChing. Thank you.

I'm now delving deep into my first rape. I have put that relationship deep deep in the back of my mind and its now resurfacing. It really it was all kinds of wrong. I was 16, he was 26. He pressured me to lose my virginity, told me we'd been going out for long enough and it was wrong that we weren't having sex and that he might have to leave me if we didn't do it soon. A few months later he full on raped me, I didn't realise at the time, and continued the relationship. He used to call me horrible names and mock me. He pushed me off a moving bus. Thankfully I got into university and moved away which gave me the strength and opportunity to end things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeeemale · 09/03/2020 12:18

Thank you babybennett and Flowers

OP posts:
septsapp · 09/03/2020 12:33

I have reported from an ex partner happened while in the relationship , reported after , he got away with it cps wouldn't take it to court insufficient evidence , which amazes me how people are convicted of it from 50 years previous etc like jimmy saville etc !! I was gutted he got away with it , but also I know he will do it again so next person who reports at least they will listen more the second time, and also glad I did report as he was arrested and knows he did it himself so it must have made him realise he wasn't completely in control of the situation. I would report again still if it did happen again but I would not hold up any hope of it going anywhere if that makes sense

Original poster
Feeeemale · 09/03/2020 12:39

Makes perfect sense and you were very brave for reporting in the first place.

OP posts:
SirChing · 09/03/2020 13:05

@septsapp and @TtcbabyBennett Flowers

@Feeeemale and @TTC you were both groomed. I am so so sorry to be do blunt, but that's what it is. Grooming. Then rape. What you had done to you was fucking horrific. You were basically children and were abused by adults. I could cry for you both. And for the girls that you were then. Whether you take action or don't, the fact is that both you and they know the truth. And deep down, I hope these perps do time for it every day in their conscience. Please, don't let yourselves do that time for them Flowers

Original poster
Feeeemale · 09/03/2020 13:28

It is dawning on me that yes, I was groomed.

I can't stop crying.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 09/03/2020 13:44

Predators choose their victims carefully and precisely they are drawn to the vulnerable the abused the naive, any weakness that they can exploit they are drawn to it.
They know very well that if they appeared in the guise of a raging monster they wouldn't be able to get close to the victim so they carefully tailor their approach, they learn the victim, learn how best to exploit them.
Now they've invested all that time in you, finding out about you, now they feel entitled to take what they want from you.

SirChing · 09/03/2020 14:14

@Feeeemale let the tears come. They are healthy tears Flowers

SirChing · 09/03/2020 14:16

@UYScuti is right. Teens stand no chance against men like that. There is nothing you could have done to change what happened. It may have been on a different day or whatever, but it would still have happened.

SirChing · 09/03/2020 14:30

I don't know if this will help or not, but after I was raped I made a decision. He was someone I trusted and loved and he raped and seriously sexually assaulted me. I decided that the memories would always be horrible, and I couldn't change the fact that he had raped my body. But I will be damned if I am going to let him rape my mind too.

The bloke was so fucking pathetic that he got power through rape. Well I won't give him it. I wont let him have a starring role in my life. He doesn't deserve it. So I will do whatever it takes to come to terms with rhe memories, and cry and rage, and then I am determined to be ok again. Or the fucker has won.

I don't know if that helps and I hope it doesn't make anyone feel worse. But I can remember the rape now with anger instead of fear and it isn't something I think about all the time. Just wanted to say in case it helps anyone xx

Original poster
Feeeemale · 09/03/2020 14:49

Yes it's helpful. Everyone who has posted has helped I their own way. Even if just to show solidarity and that I'm not alone.

After he raped me I said that to myself too. That he wouldnt drive me out of a job. I would talk to him as normal, at end our work lunches as usual, I refused to show him I cared or that he had any bearing in my life. But seeing him every day for 4 years took its toll and I guess I can't do that while he is in my life everyday. Maybe now I've effectively left work, I can truly start to heal. For years I thought I had taken the power when all I was doing was hiding from the truth. I need to take back the power.

And Angry about predators looking for vulnerable girls.

OP posts:
SirChing · 09/03/2020 20:15

@Feeeemale Seeing him every day will surely have meant that all you could do was try and block it out to be able to cope. As You said, now you don't have to see him in your present, he can take his place as a part of your past only. And the place he takes up will get smaller and smaller with time. That's you taking your power back. You are doing it right now by facing it and acknowledging it. By reporting to Crime stoppers, and telling.people to make it real. Your power is becoming yours again. He is left as a pathetic specimen who will always known what he did. The total loser.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/03/2020 20:21

I was accused if being racist they said I wanted to make the report so my parents would think I was raped etc etc i left

It turns out he was staying in a bail hostel in my area after being bailed away from his for rape

I will never again report a rape

LuluBellaBlue · 09/03/2020 20:23

I reported both times, once at 18, he was never caught and again at 36, this went to trial and he was found not guilty.
Unless there was concrete evidence and proof I would never report it again.

Original poster
Feeeemale · 10/03/2020 07:41

Flowers for you both.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 11/03/2020 17:33

Thank you.
How you doing @Feeeemale ? Flowers

Original poster
Feeeemale · 12/03/2020 06:01

I'm very up and down, Lulu. Thanks for asking.

I met with my line manager and told him everything. He was shocked but not surprised, as I said, this man is a very unsavoury character. My LM said it all fit into place when I told him. He has been incredibly supportive and will support me no matter what I decide. He would like me to come back, he would like me to report it to the big boss and try to get Work Rapist removed from the office. I know big boss would believe me and would support me, but I need to know whether big boss would have an obligation to report this if I tell him. I don't want to lose control of the situation and I feel once I tell big boss it's out of my hands.

All my work friends are in touch and really worried about me, they want me back. And I must say I miss being there too now. And I feel angry that WR has dictated my life to the extent that I feel I should leave my place of work.

I'm still up in the air about what to do next. I need to find out if big boss would be obligated to tell police, due to safeguarding issues. If this is the case, I doubt I will get him involved. If I thought WR would be asked to leave quietly, I would consider going back. I think. I dunno.

Hope everyone is okay and surviving the coronavirus hysteria!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeeemale · 02/06/2020 06:05

Hello everyone

Just for anyone who is interested in an update.

I decided I need to keep my job and that I was not going to slink away quietly. So I formally reported the rape to HR around 7 weeks ago. They hired an external investigator and an investigation went underway. 2 weeks ago the report was given to 2 members of very senior staff and it was recommended that there was a case to answer. The senior staff agreed, and now the disciplinary process has started. The investigation should conclude in 2 weeks or so. Which will hopefully result in him leaving the company.

Once he has gone I can finally return to work and regain some semblance of normality.

The last few months have been harrowing at times. I am lucky to have a very supportive and loving husband and family behind me. Not being able to see my mum and friends during lockdown has been hard at times.

I have been believed by everyone I've told. I've received nothing but love and support throughout the process. I do feel that it's taken longer then I expected (HR assured me it would only be a couple of weeks) and I am confused and angry that this man is still working... My line manager has had to take time off because he can't bear dealing with him, especially since he has seen the statements he made (surely they should have suspended him while the investigation is going on?)

I have good days and bad days. Some zoom calls have been quite frankly traumatic, but here I am, still standing and feeling proud of myself. It was so hard getting here, and there were times I wish I'd kept my stupid big mouth shut. The day I found out he'd been told of my allegations... Nothing can describe the feeling... I was living my biggest fear. But... As with everything, once you face that fear, it kind of disappears. The worst thing happened, and that's all that happened. If that makes sense.

I do worry that he will try and retaliate in some way. I worry that he will commit suicide. I worry about him... Isn't that weird? I don't hate him as a person, I hate what he did to me.

Anyway, there you have it. I will keep you all updated on the final outcome. It can't come fast enough. This has been such a long drawn out process I just need it to end now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeeemale · 02/06/2020 06:09

Also... I do have another thread on mn under a different name so if you think this sounds familiar that will be why x

OP posts:
Original poster
Feeeemale · 02/06/2020 09:25

And just to add I haven't reported to the police (yet... But I doubt I will) but have anonymously reported on the Crimestoppers website x

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 02/06/2020 10:18

Not happened to me. Not sure what I would do. Like to think I would report it but who knows? I am unlikely to be drunk and inappropriately dressed (not judging) but in any case it doesn't need to be that used as an excuse. I am sure something would be dredged up from my past (not sure what I am very boring!) and would be twisted to make me into the Whore of Babylon.

I just keep thinking all those bastards out there. Family men. 'Loving husbands'. Pillars of society. All had a bit of 'harmless' fun and moved on. I doubt any of them think "Whoops, went a bit too far there"