Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

Finished watching The Clinton Affair last night. I didn't realise he is a rapist amongst all the other awful things he did.

I was absolutely raging last night when I realised, he was never brought to book over it, and that poor woman. Absolutely raging.

Horrific.
Just wanted to say that like a PP, I reported an attempt at the advice of the person I'd called immediately after in an absolute state. I was extremely fortunate to have been able to fight off the attacker, and so hadn't thought to call police.
The police didn't find him but kept me informed of the investigation and its eventual closure. I'm glad I reported.
You've been so courageous, you're doing great.

I reported it. I went to the hospital to get checked a few hours after it happened, then straight to the police. The first question they asked me was "Is this what you were wearing?"
I left the station crying.
The whole case went to court, but he wasnt convicted for lack of evidence.

It was pretty pointless over all. But i guess its good that he is on the record now. It was a terrible time for me though, i was a teenager.
This was over 15 years ago.

Well done for reporting, I’m sorry this happened to you and everyone else on here. It shouldn’t be a thing any of us ever have to experience.

I reported my first rape. It was several months later and I thought I’d be able to bury it and carry on. Convinced myself it was my fault and I wouldn’t be believed as there was no evidence so I swore to myself I’d never tell a soul. Turns out I couldn’t cope keeping it to myself and it ate away at me until I had to tell someone. I wasn’t going to report either but then I found out he’d tried to do the same thing to someone else and I couldn’t keep quiet any more.

In the end he was arrested and charged but the CPS wouldn’t prosecute him due to lack of evidence (and I suspect) me not being a ‘good enough’ victim). I let him in the house, he claimed it was consensual etc. The truth was that his gf had had a baby a week earlier and he felt he was entitled to sex and though I’d be ‘up for it’ (his words). He came back a week later to apologise and try for another go. Why on earth would you take the time to go back and apolgise if you genuinely thought it was consensual, I have no idea. He knows what he did.

I didn’t report the second one although I did start a thread on here about it to try and sort through my feelings about it. The first time was only mentally painful as it was over very quickly, I just froze and submitted so he wouldn’t get angry and hurt me. The second time he obviously had many things he wanted to do and he did them all. It was violent and went on for hours. I was in pain for at least a week after. I can’t face reporting him though, I don’t even know his last name and again I went into his house of my own accord. That, plus the fact that I’ve previously reported someone means it’s just going to look like I’m someone who cries rape. No good can come of it.

I’m not ok though. I was traumatised enough after the first time, it was 7yrs ago and to this day I still have flashbacks and nightmares, I still cry and shake whenever I talk about it. After the second time I think something inside me genuinely died. I’ll never be the same person I was after that, but I don’t know how to fix it. I need counselling but with no money and all this virus stuff god knows when I’ll be able to see someone about it. I’ve not told anyone about the second time, except my current bf and my friend. I won’t tell anyone else, I’m too embarrassed to admit I let it happy again.

^happen

My heart breaks for you all

Turbo, what happened to you makes me so so sad and so very angry. Would you consider reporting it anonymously via the online form on the Crimestoppers website? Also there are free counselling services via Rape Crisis / Women's Trust, please contact them and get the ball rolling.

Thanks for the messages of support x

I am sad and angry myself, for me and for all those other people who have been preyed upon by those disgusting excuses for humans. Both of my rapists had children, boys and girls. How would those children feel if they found out what their dad had done? How on earth would they feel if a man did what they did to me to their daughters? I bet they’d be the first people to pipe up saying how awful it is and what they would do to that person. How would they feel if one of their sons did that to a woman? Fucking hypocrites, no doubt they will have some way of justifying what they did.

The second guy also ‘checked’ that I was alright with everything before I left, in other words, that he wasn’t going to get reported for what he did. He knew it was wrong.

News flash guys - normal men don’t have to apologise after genuine consensual sex. That is not a thing.

I didn’t realise it was possible to report anonymously. I would consider doing this as I think he is a very dangerous person and it brings me a tiny iota of comfort to know that at least if I can’t get justice, reporting it may help someone else.

I'm not really up for reading other posts in this thread, but for anyone able to answer.

I didn't report any of the rapes in my past. I honestly never ever occured to me to do so. All I wanted was to make them go away, forget about them, and never have anyone ever find out about them.

I've just seen your update OP. Well done. And thank you.

I'm sorry he is still there at the moment- and shocked and disgusted he thinks he can show his face. I'm heartened though that overall people's response has been as it should be.

No I didn't. At the time I didn't even consider it as rape, infact I didn't realise it for what it was until about 10 years later. I knew what had happened wasn't right, but I blocked it out Also the man in question was really dodgy, and I would have lived in fear for mine and my young sons safety for a very long time. I knew I would rarely see him afterwords so it was easier and safer to brush it off and forget about it.

Thank you for sharing

I also didn't realise until many years later about my first rape. I was 16 he was 26. He groomed me and coerced me into sex. One time he forced himself on me, I said no throughout, I was crying, he continued regardless. After it finished he cuddled me and I thought I was being silly. When it dawned on me last year I felt so sad for that young girl.

I knew. But didn't feel there was anything I could do.

I reported, but inadvertently. My ex husband was responsible. The police had become involved to do with a situation regarding my daughter and ex and one of the questions as part of their questionnaire caught me off guard. This then snowballed and I opened up-I never intended to. This was historical and I thought I could keep it locked away. I mean we were married!

The police followed up arrested and questioned him with four separate offences, including rape. He was only charged with one offence of abusive and threatening behaviour due to lack of evidence (all historical offences).
He was found guilty of this. I went through months of hell. Waiting, questioning, interviewed and reliving trauma. I received a lot of useful support and counselling but it's also been very hard and caused me to be off work for 6 months.

Also had to face him shortly after in family court. Where he still tried to control and intimidate me.
This was a year ago and I'm much stronger now. I don't have any contact with him, nor does my daughter.

Would I go through it again? To protect my daughter-yes in a heartbeat.
For a positive benefit to me-I'm really not sure.

Wish... I hear you in regards to protecting your daughter. I went through similar (although not as bad) with my child's father. Its so hard but you'd do anything to protect them.

I have a lovely husband now but since the day of my birth I have suffered at the hands of the men in my life.

My ex still tries to get to me but I am so much stronger now it just doesn't have the desired effect anymore. For the first time in my entire life I don't feel I'm being abused. I think that's why I felt string enough to report the fucker.

Well done for being so proactive and strong. I hope the bastard gets taken down.

I didn't, and won't. I was smoking dope, and I had engaged in consensual sex with him beforehand, which resulted in bruising. The second act was not consensual and traumatic. I wouldn't be believed.

Cat...so sorry. I know exactly how you feel and I don't blame you for not reporting.

Tbh I wouldn't have reported him had covid19 not come on the scene. I realised I needed my job security. I had no choice but to report at that point. But... Serendipity. I believe everything happens for a reason.

Sometimes I still can't believe I told a soul. I never thought I would in a million years. Never mind have a full blown investigation! Sometimes I feel as though I'm not living in reality.

HR haven't been in touch for 2 weeks now. I'm very disappointed in how they've handled it. He is still working and those who were my witnesses have to deal with him. It's not right.

It's not right. He's like a sickness in the system.

I did (15 years later) and it went nowhere, partly I think because I just couldn't remember enough- it was all fragmented. . I just hope that if someone else comes forward one day my statement will help them in a way it couldn't help me.
I'm so sorry so many of you have been through similar.

@Feeeemale

I am so unbelievably proud of you.

Feeeemale, you have been very brave and selfless. It must have been a really big decision for you. Regardless of what happens you have alerted people to the type of person the rapist is, and likely saved others from going through something similar. IMHO, it's also by making people face consequences of behavior that things may improve; too many rapist get away totally free, no consequences.

So you had told no one previously? Not even your DH?

Hopefully speaking with others helps too, and it sounds like you have good support. That means a lot! You are not alone.

I didn't. I too was married at the time. He was in complete denial.

Thank you. I haven't felt brave throughout this process but as someone pointed out...its when you feel small and scared and vulnerable, but still carry on regardless... That's bravery. And I can finally allow myself to feel that bravery.

Up until Feb this year, only 1 other person knew about the rape. A few things happened in my life leading up to the admission, which made me feel like I could tell my husband and then my mum. It was awful because my husband had been for a drink with my work colleagues and spent most of the night chatting to him. It made me sick to my stomach but obviously I didn't say a word.

Now I've told a few people. It's strange, the more people I tell, the less power it has over me. I feel less and less shame and embarrassment.

I didn't, because it happened in a country where if I reported it I would have been arrested. He was English, however I don't know what his name is so can't do anything over here either.

It resulted in pregnancy for which I had a termination. I'm currently pregnant with mine and DP's first child and it's throwing up a lot of things I thought I 'okay' with.

Like you I felt better after I talked to DP about it. I wish you all the best.

OP, you said "I feel less and less shame and embarrassment." That's awful that you feel those things. Why I wonder?

I really really don't. It was nothing to do with me. I had no input in what happened.

However, when a person is named/identified as a rapist, then there is genuine shame and embarrassment associated with that. There is a stigma with that person for the rest of their lives, and rightfully so!!!

Addler... When I was pregnant and after I gave birth I also questioned a lot of everything... Mainly my abusive childhood, and also a termination. Your body is going through such a change... Hormones all over the place... You know you're about to be a mum and life suddenly gets serious and you begin to wonder about all the big stuff. Well that's kind of how it felt with me anyway. I hope you are able to deal with things in a healthy way with your DP by your side

Bell... I don't know why I felt those things. I know it's weird, and if a friend had said the same to me I'd be confused too. Why be ashamed and embarrassed, when you did nothing wrong?

I dunno, maybe it's something conditioned into me (or the whole of womenkind??), part of the rape culture, something deep rooted? But I definitely felt it. Still do to an extent, but like I say, the more people I share it with, the less negativity I feel about it.

I wish I could be more eloquent in my explanations. I know what I mean and I hope the way I've written it isn't too confusing or nonsensical!!