Did you or did you not report your rape? If you did, what happened?

[Feeeemale]

I would like to use this forum as a way of helping me to decide what to do.

I know I'm asking a lot by posting here and inviting women to tell their story in order to help me, but I have posted here before and found women to be extremely open and honest and helpful.

I am going around in circles regarding what to do about the man who raped me 4 years ago. He is a work colleague. A month ago I went sick after finally snapping and allowing myself to admit what happened. I don't know whether to report this man... To the police, to my place of work... Half of me wants to bow out quietly and work on my mental health...the other half wants to shout it from the rooftop.

I was also raped by a much older man when I was 16, I'm not sure whether to report this too.

TBH I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go through with any reporting, but it makes me so angry that these men have got away with rape and maybe will do again.

I am going to receive therapy shortly but in the meantime if anyone wishes to converse with me I would be very grateful.

I did, on the night it happened, and wished I hadn't.

It was dragged out for years, the person played the system and despite it being reported straight away, it was claimed there wasn't strong enough evidence.

It drove my mental health into the ground and I often wonder if I would have been less traumatised having gone through the aftermath.

In my case it was a stranger on college campus in Ireland way back in the 80s. I was young, didn't have great family support, and frankly I did not really know what to do.

Several years ago I participated in a survey, a set of interviews, etc and some was reported in the media. Looking back (and it is easy with hindsight I suppose) I feel should have reported in my case. Following that other incidents came to light. For completeness I did make a historical report to the gardai as a result.

I do understand the other posters, if the person was known to me, that would change my perspective for sure. With respect to strangers, and DNA technology, there has been a whole series of related crimes solved in the US. I wish there were such systems here today.

So for me it feels like two questions.

1. would you report rape by a person you know
2. would you report rape by a stranger

Either way, the legal systems do not treat victims fairly.

@SinkGirl you are a genius! That’d certainly add weight to some cases, and could help. One word against another (or in my case the word of 2 victims known to each other) weights things against the victims.

Hi op. So sorry to hear what happened to you

I posted on here a while ago after a first date went wrong. I received amazing advice.

I would still contact SARC. Even though there is no forensics they have a wealth of information and can put you in touch with a lot of help. I got referred for counselling and have my first appointment within three weeks.

I also met with an independent sexual violence advisor. We spoke about what I could do and what kind of stress going to court would be. She said she's in court with people who reported their rape two years ago. It's a long gruelling process.

She also mentioned crime stoppers. You can report anonymously. But it flags up the attackers name on their file and if they receive another report on him/they see a pattern in the area it helps bolster their case.

But also be kind to yourself. Whatever you do will have an enormous effect on you/your family/your everyday life. I was told numerous times on here - it's not your responsibility to ensure he doesn't rape again. Do what you have to do to get through it all. Take care.

No, neither time. First time was abroad aged 18 went somewhere I shouldn't with someone I shouldn't have and in a culture where there's no way I would have got any justice. Just no point. Second time, in a ( failing) relationship I was drunk and in shock for about 48 hours after. Just didn't feel able to. I ended the relationship. I've just sort of put it behind me. Do what feels right for you and whatever you decide to do, do not feel bad, this was not your fault. Any of it.

Honestly thank you everyone for posting and telling your stories. For your advice and words of love and support.

Crimestoppers... I might look into that.

MargieMo... I think I would find it easier to report a stranger than someone I know. In fact I did report the stranger who assaulted me in the toilets, but didn't report my ex boyfriend or my colleague. I'm not sure why. I guess if you know the person it effects your friends and family more?

I knew all of my rapists. I think it does make it harder to report. Like because you knew them it's easier for them to claim it was consensual.

Also there's more fallout. Too many people will be forced to 'take sides' as we have friends in common.

Sorry I forgot to say. If you do look into crime stoppers you can also (I think) report not anonymously so if they do get further reports on him they can come back to you for more info if needed.

She said the only thing about reporting anonymously to them is that you just never know what's going on with it. They can't contact you to keep you informed. It just disappears. But that might help you with some closure, I don't know.

Be kind to yourself. I'm always around if you need to vent/chat. Mn were a rock to me a few weeks ago. I don't know what I'd have done without you lot.

Just thinking about @Sinkgirl idea. Is there any way we could try and push for this to happen? Who would we need to talk to, could we put together a manifesto to present to the powers that be? Obviously I've no idea how we could attract attention but it seems to my this idea is too good to just leave by the wayside...

X post with Humming

Perhaps this way of reporting through Crimestoppers is the alternative.

And yes I agree with everything you say about knowing your attacker. Friends / colleagues taking sides and family knowing would just be too much to bear.

Quick search, see attached. As far as I can tell from this, I can't anonymously report because I am a victim of crime. Unless I've missed something?

That’s ridiculous that you can’t report anonymously as a victim. I had thought that maybe this was an existing version of what I suggested upthread but I guess not.

I’m afraid I have no idea how we could make it happen - I wonder if @MNHQ have any contacts with rape crisis or could help us refine the idea?

crimestoppers-uk.org/give-information/forms/preform perhaps filling out this form would do it? It's conflicting information on the website tbh. I don't have time or energy to fill it out today though. I'm feeling really exhausted, I'm not having a good day . I've been drinking too much, last night I got shit faced, just sitting on the sofa, and now I'm hungover and feeling depressed.

The thought of being part of actively trying to change the way the system works gives me a bit of fire in my belly though. Maybe we could ask MNHQ...sorry I'm not being very productive today though. Brain like mush

I reported my rape anonymously through Crimestoppers. Rape Crisis told me how. So if any other woman reports the bastard, I can be anonymously contacted to see if I wanr to waive anonymity and make a statement (In a fucking heartbeat for someone else but I can't face it for me).

I think the reports are encrypted and then if fhe police contact you, they don't know who they are contacting because of the encryption IYSWIM. Rape Crisis can definitely point out how to do it. I didn't want to go to fhe police but didn't want to do nothing either.

SirChing... This is exactly the type of thing I was hoping for. Rape Crisis are getting in touch with me next week so I will ask them. And I feel the same as you... Happy to get involved if there are others who have reported, but not by myself.

May all these predators rot slowly and painfully in hell

@Feeeemale Oh I know that feeling. I also don't see why you shouldn't tell your work friends. Ask them to keep in confidential but let them in. I bet if it had happened to one of them that you would want to know. So you were never nice to the fucker again and could support your friend.

We haven't done anything wrong. They have. We just feel their shame because they aren't capable of it. It isn't really ours though. All theirs. Bastards.

Sorry, but obviously you tell or don't tell who you want. My post sounded bossy. I just mean, dont be scared of your friends reactions. All the very very best to you, whatever you decide

@Feeeemale could we set up one of those government petitions? Like the Coronavirus/ shutting schools one that’s going around?
10,000 signatures and the government have to respond, 100,000 gets it debated in parliament.

I was in an abusive marriage when it happened to me. I didn't think anyone would believe me. Convinced myself my high heels and short dress would go against me. I have, since then, left said marriage, worked on myself and my mental health, got into a new relationship and had a son. A decade later and I'm so much better. Sometimes I wonder and feel I should have reported it (mainly because I'm sure I'm not his only victim) but I have moved on from it. I suffered a lot of abuse as a child and to be honest, the rape was just the straw that broke the camels back for me. I am no longer in a place where I want to report it but it is never too late to do so OP. Your choice and yours alone. You have to do what is best for you and your mental wellbeing. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish to get through something.

Didn’t report, felt like no point as it was your typical case of being young and out with a guy I’d been seeing then going back to his place and him taking things way too far. I don’t even think about him now tbh, have bumped into him a few times and just stuck my nose in the air. I live and do well and he is just an ageing party boy in our city now. He didn’t win.

May all these predators rot slowly and painfully in hell

This.

@Feeeemale I hope this thread has helped you. Sending hugs and

I didnt, i was 12, shit home life and what professionals and cops would call off the rails, so who would believe me? Why bother?

Now its way to late and while i can lead anyone back to the exact spot it happened, i doubt he still lives there

This thread has helped me. It's helped me see the futility of reporting, the power men have over women, the hopelessness of things ever changing. It's helped me quantify the extent of misery these men can hold over us, and there is very very little we can do about it.

I feel truly sickened and horrified by these abhorrent acts, by men that will never be brought to justice.

I want to make a change, but how? It all seems so pointless and hopeless. I know this is a sentiment that doesn't sit well with it being International Women's Day. And I do salute all the strength of all the women. But why the fuck should we have to be strong?? Why can't these perpetrators leave us the fuck alone? Why are they like this?