Can’t afford to keep my children

[Tobl20]

Just wondering if anyone else who shares custody of their children with an ex partner has found a solution to this dilemma of only one parent being able to claim benefits for the kids. I share custody of my children and my ex partner claims child benefit and tax credit for both kids. This has been the case for the last 2 years since we split and he is still living in our house and refuses to sell. When the kids are with me we all live in my parents spare bedroom and share a double bed. It’s very cramped and there is no room for all their clothes and toys etc and my parents are selling the house so I need to find somewhere for me and the kids this year but cannot afford anywhere. I only earn 550 a month from working part time since September as my youngest has started full time school. But it is still not enough to live on when trying to see what kind of housing I can afford. I only qualify for a one bedroom property from the council as I am classed as a single adult with no children. I will also need to budget for utilities which I’m not paying atm as my parents pay all bills and don’t charge me any rent as they know I can’t afford it. They are supportive and won’t sell the house until I’m able to move out but I feel bad as they aren’t wealthy and both still work full time and have a mortgage to pay. They help with costs for the kids too such as food school uniforms etc. But my problem is I can get no financial support at all and may be forced to give up custody of my kids to their dad.

Ok I was against at your situation

I did an advanced search OP and I don’t think things are quite so clear cut.

You were released late last year from a two year stint in a mental health hospital after being sectioned? Presumably the children were full time with their father then and he was paying for everything?

aghast

I’ve heard of people contacting their mp for certain things but wasn’t sure how or what they could help with. I don’t even know who the mp is around here. I think I’ll contact women’s aid first and go forward from there. It’s so messy it’s difficult to know where to start.
I was in hospital for a suicide attempt for a few months, this was just before we split up. I had suffered from depression for over two years though. And anxiety even longer. Costs weren’t really an issue then as our bank account was joint so we had all the money going into one account so we were both paying for everything together. But when I came out of hospital and got my own bank account he was very angry when I transferred my benefits into my account and when I suggested taking half the child benefit too he went mental so I just left it for an easy life. My mum worked part time for the few months I was in hospital to care for the kids as my son was only little at the time and wasn’t in school. She also cared for his eldest.
I think there may be a lot of evidence in my hospital records from that time as he was my next of kin and tried to keep me locked up implying I was dangerous and might hurt myself or the kids. The hospital didn’t believe him but I remember he threatened some of the staff and was very aggressive with them. I’m not sure if anything like that would be recorded or not. Or if there’s anyway to get hold of my records. But it was a while ago so they might not still have them.
Also I wonder if there’s anyway of finding out about police records. I know he doesn’t have a criminal record and Ive never gone to the police about anything but I know there was a lot of issues between his ex and him.

OP, who collects his eldest on the days he phones you saying he cant do the school pickup?

He either picks her up himself earlier in the afternoon and takes her with him on his deliveries, which means she misses a bit of school. Or she walks home herself and leats herself into his mums house if there’s going to be someone home in the next hour or so. Sometimes if I’m picking my two up on one of his days I pick her up too. Not to do him a favour but because I feel sorry for the poor thing having to sit in his van all evening (which is dangerous because he’s crashed with her before) when she should be in school until 3:30 and she should be doing homework and playing out in the park after school.
During the summer holidays he was taking all 3 kids with him to work all day in his van with no car seats for them, when it’s only got 3 seats anyway so one of them wouldn’t of even had a seatbelt. And I have to say he is a very careless driver, he speeds and is over confident. Not sure how many times he’s crashed on his own but I know he crashed with the eldest at least once. She suffered whiplash but she was wearing a seatbelt at least and it wasn’t a major crash.

He picks up his elder DC earlier on in the afternoon, on a fairly regular basis? How on earth is that allowed, and fallen under the radar of the HT? Have there not been any concerns raised about this?
Also, him taking them out all day in a works van, with at least one of them without a car seat and seatbelt is crazy. Presumably his employer is unaware of this?

Oh, none of them had a car seat??

Have you considered taking in any ironing hun? Or maybe look at the matched betting threads on here.

Matched betting?? Not a good idea I don't think!!

OP - you need to make a SAR to the NHS trust you were hospitalised with. That could well be the key to you getting legal aid.

I would move back into the house. If he drags you out call the police. Then the police have incidents logged.

He is self employed. No none of them have car seats in his van. The eldest is 10 and tall for her age so wouldn’t need a car seat now but my 7 year old and 4 year old are still under the height and weight they need to be to travel without a seat. They have got seats in his mums car but he can’t be bothered moving them back and forth. Yes he picks her up early and drops her off late in the mornings sometimes depending on whether he’s in the vicinity of the school during the day. I’m not sure if anyone’s raised concerns about it but he wouldn’t tell me anyway and she’s not my child so I wouldn’t be informed about it. When he has all 3 of them in the van together there must be one travelling with no seatbelt as there are only 3 seats in the van. A drivers seat a passenger seat and one in the middle. I can’t move back into the house. I have no way of getting in, and the police can’t do anything as he’s got every right to be there same as me. It’s not a criminal matter. What is an SAR?

@changeembrace - what an utter disgrace you are!! You should be ashamed for even THINKING that let alone posting it!

At no point has the op hidden her mh issues (which given she’s a long term victim of mental abuse is hardly bloody surprising!!) nor tried to deceive us in any way.

Your post is prejudicial against the mentally ill and an appalling example of victim blaming.

And yes I have reported! I’m actually stunned nobody else has and it remains standing 12 hours after posting!!

Op - MPs can be very helpful!

Mine helped me get housing when I was on the verge of becoming homeless with a toddler and chased the then csa for me.

The nhs will have records of your treatment and his behaviour if it included abuse of nhs staff.

The police will have records too of course as he already has convictions - why have you not contacted them before?

A subject access request to nhs and involving the police are very likely to be helpful here.

You can certainly report the lack of car seat use to both police and social services.

You need to be building a “file” of all his bad actions, to create a case for your having residency of the children AND hopefully his only having supervised access to them and none to you - a non molestation order.

@Graphista

I posted because it explains why the father has the access he does and why the benefits are set up as they are

Plus I wanted to know who paid for the children when the OP was in hospital for two years.

Could you call social services to report on the danger the children are in in his van, and also report to the school the oldest attends that she spends a lot of time sitting in the van. Or even call the police? Schools should be notified - there should be a safeguarding officer who can file information or take action.

SAR = subject access request.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/wales/health/nhs-healthcare/nhs-services-in-wales-w/nhs-patients-rights-in-wales-w/

www.nhsdirect.wales.nhs.uk/lifestylewellbeing/Yourinfoobtaininfo

@Changeembrace
Sorry you were right, it does say 2 years in one of my old posts. I meant I had been ill for years, not that I had actually been in hospital for years. But for the weeks I was away my mum looked after all 3 kids. And my dad and sister helped on their days off and my ex’s mum when she wasn’t working.
I don’t think he has any convictions, but I just know that there were a few times where police arc were called by his ex but not really sure of circumstances. He was never charged with anything but did go to court but found not guilty.

I told my last solicitor about the situation with the van(as my son was only in nursery so he was taking him in the van with him all the time without a car seat) but she said it would be hard to prove and recommended a private investigator but we didn’t get one in the end.

* . I only came out of hospital in January after being detained under section for the best part of 2 years. *

OP - who paid for the children then?

@Changeembrace give it a rest! Seriously you're coming over like a bully now!

Would you be asking these questions if the OP had been in hospital for cancer, or an accident, or kidney disease etc etc?

Also - the OP indicated this man was her NR (nearest relative) - who have a surprising amount of say and influence what happens to a patient under section - wide open to abuse by those with malicious intent but very good at coming across decent and charming when they want to.

@isitpossibleto well said

* isitpossibletoWould you be asking these questions if the OP had been in hospital for cancer, or an accident, or kidney disease etc etc? *

Yes of course
He has presumably paid for everything for 2 years. So he can do it and has done it.
He sounds horrible but easy to lose sight of fact that he entirely picked up reins for two very young children for 2 years (and presumably period before sectioning) and that must have been bloody hard.

Except he very obviously hasn’t - it have you missed the OP citing her mum, dad and sister as caring for the children?

‘And that must have been bloody hard’.....and.....your point is??