Can’t afford to keep my children

[Tobl20]

Just wondering if anyone else who shares custody of their children with an ex partner has found a solution to this dilemma of only one parent being able to claim benefits for the kids. I share custody of my children and my ex partner claims child benefit and tax credit for both kids. This has been the case for the last 2 years since we split and he is still living in our house and refuses to sell. When the kids are with me we all live in my parents spare bedroom and share a double bed. It’s very cramped and there is no room for all their clothes and toys etc and my parents are selling the house so I need to find somewhere for me and the kids this year but cannot afford anywhere. I only earn 550 a month from working part time since September as my youngest has started full time school. But it is still not enough to live on when trying to see what kind of housing I can afford. I only qualify for a one bedroom property from the council as I am classed as a single adult with no children. I will also need to budget for utilities which I’m not paying atm as my parents pay all bills and don’t charge me any rent as they know I can’t afford it. They are supportive and won’t sell the house until I’m able to move out but I feel bad as they aren’t wealthy and both still work full time and have a mortgage to pay. They help with costs for the kids too such as food school uniforms etc. But my problem is I can get no financial support at all and may be forced to give up custody of my kids to their dad.

Tobl I had a contact order that stipulated exactly where the children were 365 days of the year.

If the school Christmas holiday had an odd number of days the handover was to happen at 12 noon on the middle day - that's how detailed it was. (I had the DCs for the first half of the holiday and he had them the second half). exH still found ways of pushing his luck and basically daring me to make him stick to the rules. There was not a single weekend when he brought the children back at 7pm on a Sunday as the order instructed. It was always later, but never later than 9, so I felt I couldn't make a fuss without looking as if I was nit picking/ nickel and dimeing him to death/ making a massive fuss over two extra hours / proving the allegation he tried to make in three separate motions of contempt he brought against me that I didn't want the children spending any time with him and was trying to sabotage their relationship with him. Never mind that I had all their clothes to wash on the Sunday night and starting at 9 or whenever they got in and after I gave them a snack and got their bags emptied meant I was up until midnight, with work on Monday. (They didn't want to leave any personal belongings of theirs at his place, and he bought nothing for them to wear so they brought a suitcase EOW).

However, I recommend this sort of schedule because you do have something to go back to the court with if he steps over the line. Your solicitor should indeed have advised that you get an agreement with virtually every single minute of the year accounted for.

He won’t allow me to take them to the doctors, dentist, hospital appointments, vaccinations without him being present which makes me uncomfortable

Does he go into the examining room with the children?

How old are they?

That’s what I need. An arrangement that he can’t manipulate to his favour. Simply having an order that says “split equally” isn’t good enough. Also when it was made my youngest was 2, so times/days are different now as he’s in full time school not nursery. Plus after school activities birthday parties mean things can’t always be exactly as the times state and he will use these excuses for changing times and dates to suit him. He will demand I have them on his days and then claim he will have them on my days instead. Usually last minute meaning any plans have to be cancelled and even makes me not bother making plans because I know I can’t commit as I don’t know what’s happening from day to day. It also means the kids have no routine at all. Yes he goes into the examining room with them. They are 7 and 4.

That going into the examining room thing will have to stop when they get a little older.

You need a massively revised order. Preferably with you as resident parent and him doing EOW.

Start a log of every single time you are forced to have the DCs because he is working or can't be arsed to take care of them. Include details of exactly how long you have them (hours, minutes, whole days).

Please call Rights of Women.

@TobI20 he will always find little loopholes or push his luck on times etc that's the easiest way he will be able to get at you.

A court order is there for this purpose BUT it only works if you keep pulling him up on it all the time.

The advice you’ve got on this thread already is phenomenal- please take it.

I agree about you taking your children to a refuge. You and they will be safe there, you will get the help you do badly need to fight back and he can not get to you. Right now, you are being abused and it’s worn you right down and you’re struggling to fight back. God only knows what effect his behaviour is having on your children.

You have proof of his abuse and you have witnesses. Utilise them.

I know you’re frightened of your mental health difficulties being used as a stick to beat you with but you know what? In my experience it won’t be. Keep taking your medication, reach out for help- make an appointment with your GP to discuss it, look into counselling. Poor mental health isn’t an issue in itself, it’s not addressing it, not taking care of it and it preventing you from taking care of your children that would be the problem. None of that’s happening though.

My only advice is this:

Do everything you can to protect your mental health because you are your children’s glue.

I am very glad thus far that the SS haven’t been interested. I too have a similar bully to deal with, with only one incident as proof. He lays things under the radar. I too ended up attempting suicide. I lost my children thanks to SS because they preferred the story of abusers.

So, protect your mental health - whatever that takes.

And before the MN pile on starts of ‘there must be more for you to have lost your children’ - I’ve just had the vast majority of my complaint upheld with the LA back tracking over how they treated me, but it’s all a bit late now several years down the line: the children are settled.

I know this isn't your most pressing priority just now Op, but is your younger DC not entitled to free school meals? Sorry, I don't know about how it works in Wales.

Not surprising your mental health is compromised with this shit grinding you down for years. Get him sorted and your mental health will significantly improve.

There are so many people supporting you on here op. I'm not the only one whose heart goes out to you. I've been there, as have so many on here - even those who haven't been there feel compassion for your plight.

I got the bastard off my back utilising the resources detailed on here. I never entirely got him off my back - they never give up - but enough to carve out peace for me and my kids.

Eg I got some kind of order (can't remember which one) to prevent him coming further than my gate. Also an order to stop him endlessly harassing me with texts and calls. He didn't like that one bit, City gent that he was, but it was effective.

The contact order was as detailed as math's, above ie every minute accounted for. You can get this carved out in law without having to fork out huge amounts. Do call Rights of Women.

I'm sorry women's aid have let you down, sounds like you had crap and untrained support. I had fantastic support from WA, life changing. I wish the same for you.

He really isn't the great I Am you think he is (and he thinks he is). Think of the Wizard of Oz, a pathetic creature behind a big voice.

Court is likely the only way to solve this. You need a child sharing schedule and a legal agreement about who claims benefits. You also either need to commit to full time work or if he wants you to maintain flexibility, he could agree to pay you additional child maintenance in compensation, but given your description of him, I wouldn’t place my trust in him like that.

No in Wales the little ones don’t get free meals like in England. Only if you earn below a certain amount and claim tax credits then you get them free. He claims the tax credits for them but earns too much to get free meals. So it’s £10 a week for each child. But he won’t pay it so I have to.
That is another concern that I have, I don’t think I could cope with another battle like the last time we were in court. My mental health really was made much worse by all the stress, the worry of losing my children, his temper, and the financial costs. I know it would take its toll if I went through that again and if I end up in hospital or dead he will win anyway.

He will never agree to every other weekend and I don’t think a court will ever take away time from him unless there was very grave concerns for the kids eg, physical abuse or sexual abuse, and social services involvement, which isn’t the case here.

Do you think he would prefer to have the children the majority of the time like his dd?

Does he cover all costs for her or does her mother cover things like school meals? Or does her mother just the pay child maintenance?

How does he manage pickups of his daughter and care for her or does he still rely on her mother from time to time?

If you can prove that the only reason he wanted 50-50 was so that he wouldn't have to pay child support (and I think it would be easy to prove, especially as he isn't around to do childcare and won't sell the house, won't pay for school meals even on his days, and has an older child living with him presumably to avoid child support too) then the judge might decide to change the order, or at the very least to order the house sold or that you get the welfare you are entitled to.

Please call Rights of Women.
On top of everything else, you can talk to them about the possibility of getting a Guardian ad Litem appointed to represent the children, and what a GaL might do to help this situation.

Is it at all possible to just move back into the house @Tobl20 or is he violent? You may be able to make such a nuisance of yourself by doing this that he is forced to sell/buy you out. I’m outraged for you btw.

Hi OP
You sound really stressed and we can all see why

I would do just one thing now which is to call rights of women. You could show them this thread.

See what they advise.

Wishing you all the best and sending you strength

This is so appalling. Have you posted in legal? There are some lovely people on there who work in family law. 2 things on a practical note.. If the school know what he is like can you work with them re the school meals. Tell them he claims the benefit so he is liable to pay? Or if that feels too confrontational, could you give them packed lunches to keep your costs down a little? Secondly, what are your employment prospects? As both are in school, could you get better paid work and pay for wraparound care? Tell ex you are working now at X place and he is responsible on his days as your new boss will not tolerate the flexibility his previous antics required. I do think trying to keep the school informed and on side is important.. Although it's technically not their business, I do of a case not dissimilar to yours where the school helped her a, lot by not letting the dad palm stuff off on his days. They insisted he must pick them up etc. I do wish you every success and hope you get the help you need

Yes he would prefer to have them full time and claim maintenance from me but I wouldn’t be able to live without them. They are the only reason I get up in the mornings and the only reason I carry on. He covers all the costs for his other daughter eg school meals and I think he claims maintenance off her mother although it is next to nothing as she has two other children and is a single mother who doesn’t work. He also gets his mother to do all the running around with his eldest and when his mum can’t do it he takes her to work in his work van(he’s a delivery driver) and regularly drops her off late at school and picks her up early. He has crashed his van with his daughter before and she also witnessed a fatal car accident last year which she had to receive counselling for. So that is another reason I worry about what he would do if I didn’t pick them up. He drives with my children in the van sometimes too and I know they don’t have car seats. But her mother isn’t the one who picks up or drops off at school and so she wouldn’t be aware of any money regarding school trips or dinner money debts. Whereas I do most drop offs and pick ups and his mother does it the other times so I’m the only parent the school really sees which is why I’m expected to pay. For example today I dropped dd off and her teacher explained that they had not received the 15 pounds for a school trip they are going on tomorrow!!! I knew nothing about it and apologised and explained that dad must have got the letter on his day and didn’t let me know. So I paid that this morning. Tbh the school are not helpful at all. I contacted them after we went to court etc and told them the schedule and they said that the schedule isn’t really any of their concern and informed me that if he turned up to pick the children up when it wasn’t his turn they wouldn’t stop him as he has PR. And if he didn’t turn up to collect them on his days, then they would ring him and if he didn’t answer then they would need to ring me as we are both jointly responsible for them ALL of the time and cannot just Be responsible for them on certain days. (Which obviously I know as I am always responsible for them whoever’s day it is).

I've struggled with my mental health and at the same time fought huge battles - the difference was I had some one/s in my corner, who did it all for me. There was no way I could have done it alone, it would have finished me off. All I had to do was tell them about it (that was hard enough for me!) and they did the rest. Do call Rights of Women who will support you and signpost you to relevant support.

I wonder if you've done the Freedom Programme? I've linked you to 'find a course near you' because doing it with others is so much more powerful - something about meeting other, ordinary, women who are facing the same or similar really does it somehow. Plus the facilitators can signpost you to relevant support agencies.

We're all behind you. So many of us have experienced very similar

No I can’t move back in. (Not that I would dare or even want to) He had all the locks changed ages ago and refused me a key when I asked. He wouldn’t be extremely violent but would drag me out of the house easily and it would be awful for the kids to be witnessing the drama that would definitely happen. I also lost all of my belongings and he’s kept all furniture etc. I’m not really bothered about the value it’s just that a lot of things were sentimental etc. The only thing he gave me was my passport and about a year later he dropped off some clothes and some jewellry. I received nothing else. All clothing for kids, furniture and toys I had to buy from scratch. I could give them packed lunches which I have done a few times but again I would still have to pay for school lunch on his days. As for work, I wouldn’t really be able to commit to any days for definite. The only reason I am able to work atm is down to the fact my employer knows me well and is basically doing me a favour in terms of giving me hours as and when I can do them. The court order is also fairly complex and we do not have the children on the same days every week(not that it makes much difference as the court order is changed by him anyway).
There’s just so many things I don’t know where to start.

I do have my family but I think they feel helpless sometimes. It’s as difficult for them as it is for me. They just don’t know what to do and hate him so much. My mum won’t even look at him or his mother. (I wish I didn’t have to). Yes I have done the freedom programme. I found it very informative and it opened my eyes to how abusers minds work. It also opens your eyes to the way the law favours the abusers always and how their rights come first not the mothers or the children’s. (Even when their lives are in danger). It made me realise how much worse it could be and at least I managed to get out of the relationship. Some are trapped forever.

Get some legal advice, a quick way to make money is babysitting, in my area it’s £10 per hour.

Thank you all for all the information and support you have given. It’s going to take a while to get through it all but I feel much better knowing that there are things I can do to try and improve my situation (even if I can’t sort it completely).

Op if you aren't eligible for legal aid then Advocate may be able to help you in terms of representing you in court. you need to be referred to them by citizens advice.

Consider emailing your MP. Mine sorted benefits when my exh was claiming when he should not. Back to court seems the way forward in the long run for you op.