Can’t afford to keep my children

[Tobl20]

Just wondering if anyone else who shares custody of their children with an ex partner has found a solution to this dilemma of only one parent being able to claim benefits for the kids. I share custody of my children and my ex partner claims child benefit and tax credit for both kids. This has been the case for the last 2 years since we split and he is still living in our house and refuses to sell. When the kids are with me we all live in my parents spare bedroom and share a double bed. It’s very cramped and there is no room for all their clothes and toys etc and my parents are selling the house so I need to find somewhere for me and the kids this year but cannot afford anywhere. I only earn 550 a month from working part time since September as my youngest has started full time school. But it is still not enough to live on when trying to see what kind of housing I can afford. I only qualify for a one bedroom property from the council as I am classed as a single adult with no children. I will also need to budget for utilities which I’m not paying atm as my parents pay all bills and don’t charge me any rent as they know I can’t afford it. They are supportive and won’t sell the house until I’m able to move out but I feel bad as they aren’t wealthy and both still work full time and have a mortgage to pay. They help with costs for the kids too such as food school uniforms etc. But my problem is I can get no financial support at all and may be forced to give up custody of my kids to their dad.

Its ridiculous to assume that someone thats so abusive wont be abusing their dc!

50/50 is the deal for normal relationships. In reality hed be lucky to get some hours of supervised contact weekly based on what you written here.

You really haven't been well supported or advised at all.

Coercive control utterly destroys women and children. You live in fear, so do your dc.

You do not correspond what so ever by phone. Ignore ignore ignore but document every single call, even the ones to your work. Any correspondence keep to email only. Speak to WA and get this turned round. Start taking control back OP, he is abusive because he gets away with it.

Honestly if I were you? I’d do a runner with the dc, I’ll get flamed but I really would.

That is what you might consider in your dreams, but please don't do this in real life.

I would use a pen and paper diary - a yearly planner style one - to record everything in, rather than a phone. A phone could have technical issues or could be lost or stolen, etc. With a paper diary you are usually sure it's there when you need it. Just log everything on the day it happens, in detail. Log small details about stuff like the weather (check it on the news/weather report) on each day you make an entry in your diary, just so that you can't be accused of making up random damning details and entering them on random days. You can expect your ex to question items in your diary. You can also take a dated photo of each diary entry so that you have a photographic confirmation that each entry is contemporaneous.

I am not sure you can record a phone conversation without the permission of the person on the other end, sadly. Your best bet is to not pick up when he rings you, and instead text him to text you as you are not available to talk. You can also send all his calls to voice mail and it's up to him to rage at you if he wants - he knows he is being recorded and it's his choice. Don't erase a single text or any of your log of calls, or any voice mails from him (or anyone else who works with him to harass you).

You have lots of evidence. Take the time to get it all together.

Are you sure your dcs are genuinely happy to go there rather than being resigned to their lot and wanting to protect you? They’re going to grow up with a lot of issues having spent their time being abused. And they are being abused permanently in both households, because at some stage you’re going to have to explain why you’re living in one room and one bed and then they’ll know.

Then what happens when your dcs get to tweens and teens? You are at risk of losing them all together. They will not accept this situation in your parents home forever. They may rationalise living with their fathers is worth the stress for their own space.

Please see if you can use the advice you’ve been given. Getting a letter from the health visitor is a great starting point for documenting the abuse.

OP you sound to me like you are still in the zone of being intimidated by this man. If you can't get the fire to fight for yourself, please do it fo your kids. Screaming at you while he has them in the car, on the phone, you can see how that is psychologically damaging for them, and puts them in physical danger from his bad driving. Snatching them off you in the street and refusing to let them see their mum for 2 weeks. Putting them in the care of his DM who is obviously also scared of him - is that the model you want for your DC?

Please, ring, ring, write letters, keep logs, do claim for the child support yourself, refuse to pick up the kids on his days.

Do it for your kids if you can't do it for yourself.

Hugs OP.

And please document every time you pick the children up on his time. Can you not refuse? I know it will be terrible for the children. But this is a long game. Short term upset to protect their long term mental health.

The chances are high that he will be alienating the children from you - parental alienation. It is very real and devastating for you and the kids. Long term.

Get your gp on line. Get this documented, a very clear outline of what is happening. Make it clear you want this on your notes in detail.

So much information op, I hope you're bearing up. You have acres of evidence to get this shit to bow to the law of the land.

They are 7 and 4. The youngest is somewhat oblivious to most of what’s going on but will sometimes say things like “we are not allowed to talk about you at dads house” and “I have to cry in secret when I miss you” which makes me feel so guilty but I have to stick to the court order as otherwise I’m as bad as him. Thank you for all the advice I will definitely log everything down which I do sometimes anyway. As for going to court again it’s just not financially doable and also wouldn’t feel able to self represent as he will have a solicitor there and would basically walk all over me which they did last time even though I had a solicitor. She was good but realistic in that the costs would run very high if we did not come to some sort of arrangement. Also cafcass was very unhelpful and made us both sit down together (which I didn’t want to do) and tried to force me to give him the majority of custody. So don’t fancy meeting them again.
The only problem with ignoring his calls is that he will keep ringing and ringing then will turn up at the school to speak to me and ask why I’m not answering etc. He also bought my 6 year old a phone so that he can contact the kids when they are with me and told her to make sure it’s switched on. He’s just very controlling about everything like where we are, what I’ve dressed the children in. We live close by so getting any sort of restraining orders will be very difficult. His eldest and our two go to the same school so pick ups and drop offs are always tense as I know we are going to have to get past him. I have had a free session with a solicitor but after speaking with her and explaining everything she didn’t seem too optimistic about it all and said usually if a parent breaks the order repeatedly they can get fined but that would just anger him more.

Yes I know that’s why I have to try and get some sort of housing sorted as it’s not going to be possible to share one room for much longer. But at the same time being housed in a one bedroom flat is not going to be much better either as well still be sharing one room.
I’m very lucky I have my family yes, it’s the only reason I carry on. But I still feel very unhappy and alone most of the time. My parents have supported me all the way and even remortgaged their house to pay for court costs last time but I think even they are feeling so angry about it all as they have done their best to try and get support and keep hitting dead ends. Women’s aid are supportive and know exactly what he’s doing and can see how he is but at the same time there’s not much they can do apart from support me in whatever I choose to do. Whether that’s go to court or not.
I would run away but that would mean leaving my children which I don’t think I could do.

My income is around 550 per month give or take. I’m not sure how much housing benefit a single adult can claim but I’d be entitled to that. But I’d need to budget for food, bills etc also as well as rent. I don’t really see how it’s possible.

If you can prove domestic abuse - which you can - you will get legal aid.

Do call Rights of Women to get solid legal advice. You need a champion in your corner. Your lawyer may have been OK but it doesn't sound like she understood domestic abuse /coercive control. Rights of Women - and also Women's Aid - have a list of lawyers in your area who understand the issues involved and can effectively bring the law to bear.

Op, you really can get this bastard to come to heel back down

The people that SHOULD have supported you so far seem to have not been doing so to the best of their ability. Both women's aid and solicitor should have told you to log every instance of control/abuse of you and dc and they should have told you that abuse = legal aid.

But I'm wondering if that is because you've held back from them?

Have you told THEM everything?

You have to tell the people supporting you ALL of it so they can best help you.

You absolutely do have oodles of proof of coercive control and abuse and you even have witnesses you need to collate all of that and give it to people who can help you.

Contact ncdv, rights of women make as many calls as you need to until you get someone who will be proactive for you.

Is the solicitor you used before one that was recommended by women's aid as having experience in such cases? I suspect not.

I wish I could recommend someone but I don't know your area, maybe post in legal and ask there for a recommendation? But then if you do find a solicitor experienced in this area you have to give them all the information so they can do their job properly.

Start today logging everything - I see the argument for paper logs but then I don't see the harm in having duplicate electronic and paper logs - you can email yourself or merely use calendar app.

Something sent right here.

If he is claiming all the tax credits and child benefit and you are still having them on his court ordered contact times then he isn't sticking to the court order.

I would not be available when it's contact days for him at school pick ups etc. Tell school to contact him and forward the contact order.

Email school to confirm he didn't turn up on his court ordered contact time.

Please don't be afraid of this bully - it's what he's relying on. Currently he gets more than 50% of the benefit of shared care but none of the responsibility.

actually a thought just occurred to me - if op is actually having the dc more than him then he's claiming fraudulently.

I'm not normally a fan of reporting benefit fraud mainly as usually the potential reporter doesn't actually know the facts but here the facts are known.

Maybe keep a record for a month and if you're having the dc more report him?

No it’s not fraudulent. You can claim child benefit even if you have them less. I did contact them to check. We are both entitled to the benefit and it is up to the child benefit office to decide who gets it if parents can’t agree. As all their addresses for school and go surgery etc are his address, and because I can’t prove I have them more so they can’t change it over to me without him agreeing.
Women’s aid did give me names of two solicitors Who were quite good with domestic abuse cases, but one was quite a distance away from where I live and the other one was my ex’s solicitor 🙄. The solicitor I used understood everything and I explained it all to her but it wasn’t a domestic abuse case it was just to get a court order regarding the kids so that he couldnt just take them whenever he wanted.

But it WAS a domestic abuse case. The children are being abused too.

Can you contact the further away solicitor now? Surely most communication can be done by phone/email etc can women's aid help with transport or the solicitor come to meet you when necessary?

Yes it was but the domestic abuse isn’t really taken into account unless both parents don’t agree to a court order and then the court has to make a decision for them that’s when those kinds of circumstances count. For example I had concerns about how he would care for two kids half the week when he works full time, but he claimed he would cut down his hours so they accepted this. He said he had concerns about my mental health but this was also not deemed important as social services, mental health progfessionals, health visitors etc had no concerns. I also claimed he had never cared for them before on his own, but they said it doesn’t matter about the past, it’s about what happens from now on that counts. So it was very rushed and very dismissive. Neither of us or our solicitors had a chance to say anything much tbh. We were in and out fairly quickly and didn’t have much time to make a decision between intervals. It wasn’t like the criminal type of court where people speak about the situation. It was literally both our solicitors just negotiating a schedule. And my ex just refusing anything except what he wanted.

I’m not sure how much can be done over phone. I know last time a lot of it was done by post and email. But I did have to meet with her to explain the situation and discuss what we were going to do and what kind of things I would want and not want. I don’t think they would travel to meet me no, they usually work from their own offices.

I've pm'd you. I have been through the family courts myself so I know what you mean about the perfunctory nature but a good solicitor (my 1st was shit but 2nd was great) will get your stuff heard.

@TobI20 he sounds like my ex. Things like after school clubs, school meals etc I had them Written into the CAO to say DD could attend and how they were paid for.
It's really helped over the last 5 years, doesn't stop him trying to control me though

Oh and re his abuse of you, it won't make any difference to contact arrangements at all. It would only make a difference if he was abusing the children.
A Prohibitive Steps order would be a good idea though

Does his eldest live with him 50 50 also?

Is he is doing the same with her mum?

No his eldest lives with him full time and sees her mum every other weekend. He doesn’t have any contact with her as he has all the control there so he’s happy. If I let him have custody of the kids and signed over the house to him he would probably leave me alone too. But he is unhappy that I have a say in what the kids do while they are with me and constantly tries to control how I dress them, how I discipline them etc. I have tried telling him my rules at my house and your rules at your house but he just can’t bear me making any decision by myself and even upsets the kids by saying, “mum treats you like a baby, you shouldn’t be wearing a cardigan, your a boy, your friends will all laugh at you if they see you wearing that”. Or my favourite “you’re both mothered”, which is hysterical considering his mum practically still breastfeeds him. It’s the controlling behaviour I think that is the problem. He won’t allow me to take them to the doctors, dentist, hospital appointments, vaccinations without him being present which makes me uncomfortable. It’s like I am trapped and I can’t escape.

One thing my solicitor didn’t advise me on that I’ve thought about since is that the order isn’t specific enough. I told her how manipulative he was and how controlling and yet the order is too vague. I need specific times, places, people to be put in it so that he can’t find little loopholes in it and make it to his advantage all the time. During school holidays it simply states. Holidays are to be split equally between both parents!!! Translated to his language that reads “holiday schedules are for him to decide whichever days times suits him. And can be changed whenever he pleases, without any notice”.

Have you called Rights of Women yet op?