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Original poster

Can’t afford to keep my children

157 replies

Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 00:08

Just wondering if anyone else who shares custody of their children with an ex partner has found a solution to this dilemma of only one parent being able to claim benefits for the kids. I share custody of my children and my ex partner claims child benefit and tax credit for both kids. This has been the case for the last 2 years since we split and he is still living in our house and refuses to sell. When the kids are with me we all live in my parents spare bedroom and share a double bed. It’s very cramped and there is no room for all their clothes and toys etc and my parents are selling the house so I need to find somewhere for me and the kids this year but cannot afford anywhere. I only earn 550 a month from working part time since September as my youngest has started full time school. But it is still not enough to live on when trying to see what kind of housing I can afford. I only qualify for a one bedroom property from the council as I am classed as a single adult with no children. I will also need to budget for utilities which I’m not paying atm as my parents pay all bills and don’t charge me any rent as they know I can’t afford it. They are supportive and won’t sell the house until I’m able to move out but I feel bad as they aren’t wealthy and both still work full time and have a mortgage to pay. They help with costs for the kids too such as food school uniforms etc. But my problem is I can get no financial support at all and may be forced to give up custody of my kids to their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 00:38

I have no proof of any abuse and as he has been “leaving me alone” and “relatively cooperative” the past couple of months I don’t want to rock the boat. I try to avoid his calls sometimes but he will call and call and then calls my work and gets the school calling me and eventually I have to go and fetch them.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 00:43

What you have just written is harrassment.

Write to the school and tell them he is bullying you into picking up on his pick up days and that he is responsible (as ordered by court). Also tell him to stop, and then report it to police if he doesn't.

Despite being apart you and the children are still being repeatedly abused.

Abuse is not just about physical.

Its about living in fear because of consequences from him (ballistic) which then keeps you under his control. You have written that very clearly in your pp.

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 00:44

Again what use has wa been to you? What is theie advice?

I hope its not to 'not rock the boat' and to keep on his good side and do as you are bidden by him and to protect him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families Family law General money Relationship problems
oncemorewithfeeling99 · 14/01/2020 00:44

Wow, he sounds terrible. He is using the children to continue to abuse you.
Snatching the children in the street and then not giving them back for 2 weeks! That’s insane.
What should be happening is
A) you force a sale on the house and get your share
B) you claim for at least one of the BC and tax credits
C) he never takes the children from you or refuses them access to their mummy
D) he provides care for the children on his days or pays you maintenance to reflect your primary carer responsibly.

What he is doing is continuing to abuse. Get some more advice and see what is possible. But it might be if a women’s aid support worker rang on your behalf then HMRC would change the tax credits/CB to your name.

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 00:46

You also need a prohibitive steps order as he has already snatched the children.

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 00:48

I'm not understanding why you think there is no evidence.

Are you telling your wa worker what you've told us? How can this have gone so badly wrong if so!

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 00:48

Isn't this coercive control? I really think you need more help OP. In cases like this it's possible for you to get the house back with an occupation order or something like that.

Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 00:49

Women’s aid have advised me to go to court. They’ve offered to write a letter to confirm they are working with me if needed but I need some sort of proof of domestic abuse to be able to get legal aid. I also don’t think I’m strong enough to go through the court process again. I’ve got depression and anxiety and struggled with it all last time. I attempted suicide at one point (which wasn’t great as he then tried to use this against me, but luckily social services weren’t interested). Funny thing is he was never interested in the kids before we split up, never helped with feeding nappies Storytime bedtime etc. He also won’t help at all with any costs like swimming lessons dance lessons. Or school dinners. I would get school dinners free if I claimed the tax credits for them but because I don’t I have to pay £80 a month for the 2 of them.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2020 00:50

I would rarely suggest this but I think you need to try and get into a refuge.

Its not ideal but honestly, from what you have said, its the only way you will escape him.

Call REFUGE tonight, please. www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/phone-the-helpline/

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 00:50

You can clearly demonstrate coercive control. He will lose the dc the family home and benefits.

Gingerkittykat · 14/01/2020 00:51

I used to work at CAB and have seen this situation before. If you try and contest the child benefit rules then they will assess who they think is the main carer. One of the things they look at is who pays more for the child and unfortunately the high earner is given priority there.

Where are the children registered for school, Drs etc? That is also a factor as is childcare arrangements.

One way around it is to try and agree to a split between you, like you said as long as you don't get the child benefit you will not be classed as needing housing for them.

I would go to CAB and see what they say about challenging the CB.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2020 00:52

SOrry X post

Have you told them just how bad it is? DO they think its just the financial stuff? Because clearly it isnt and you need to escape this monster as soon as possible.

Call them again and tell them everything you have said here. This is way beyond court.

Take care and please keep posting, we are here for you.

Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 00:54

I know it’s wrong but snatching the children off me in the street and not sticking to the court order aren’t enough evidence for legal aid. The school are absolutely hopeless. Sometimes I just want to run away.

OP posts:
DangerMouse17 · 14/01/2020 00:56

Proof - snatched them in the street? Is withholding shares child ben/tax cards from you? Has kicked you out of family home? Harassment at work?
Not sticking to court order and bullying you into following his orders?

These are all abusive and all the proof you need for the court. You need to get fired up OP. Dont let this man destroy you and your relationship with your kids. Your kids need you.

Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 00:59

He earns more but won’t pay anything towards them so I do have evidence that I pay for all school and after school activities birthday parties etc. But he changed all addresses contact details in doctors surgery dentist and school to his address ( I found out this when I put in a rival claim) I had them changed back to my address but he changed it again and the go surgery is refusing to change it back without his permission.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 01:01

But I don’t have evidence of any of that apart from my call logs. But he will just say he was trying to contact me about the children.

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2020 01:02

Please, run away.

Please.

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 01:03

Again...how have WA helped, what is their advice??

Will you call Rights of Women?

You have so much evidence.

The basis of the CAB actions avoid addressing issues of abuse, which is the basis of this relationship for these dc and op

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 01:05

Tobl my friend got proof of abuse from her GP. He wrote that her anxiety was a symptom of the years of abuse. He only knew because she told him everything.

Original poster
Tobl20 · 14/01/2020 01:06

If the kids were younger I would go to a refuge but I couldn’t do that to the kids. Despite everything they are doing well in school and are fairly happy albeit a little bit clingy. There was no witnesses when he snatched them except for his mother. But she literally does anything and everything for him and is the main carer when the kids are supposed to be with him. He lives next door to her (which is why I would prefer not to live in the house). I want to sell it but he won’t.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 01:10

If you go to refuge at least you will get help to get prohibitice steps order and others to get you all protected. Currently you have no protection in place at all.

Dc have to get on with life, its survival, same as what you've been doing, years of it is very
damaging and normalising his abuse.

Going to refuge wont destroy their education, if they are doing well at school now they can do well at school.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 01:11

GO TO YOUR DOCTOR AND TELL THEM EVERYTHING. My friend got a letter to support her in proving abuse.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2020 01:11

Doing well in school and "fairly" happy?

How about, doing their best despite everything and frightened of Dad so they dont show how they really feel?

Sorry to lay this on you but thats more likely the reality.

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/01/2020 01:12

And perhaps his mother is scared of him too.

Smotheroffive · 14/01/2020 01:12

Ignore where his mother lives or what she does.

Concentrate on the actual hours he has his dc. Document it all