If you wanted / thought you were having a girl but ended up with a boy...

[GreenAndLeafy]

...how did you feel? Did it work out ok?

I’m due a baby boy in December. It’s my first pregnancy. I always knew that I had a preference for a girl, but I didn’t know how much so until we found out through the Harmony test that we’re having a boy.

I’m trying really hard to get my head around it, but I’ve realised that all of the daydreams that I’ve ever had about being a mum have been with a girl. I know on an intellectual level that I’m probably just making tonnes of assumptions about gender and what girls and boys do differently, but that doesn’t stop that huge fear that I’m now feeling that I’m going to be a terrible mum and not be able to bond with or enjoy our child. I feel sad about all the things I won’t be able to now share with the daughter I wanted (horrible pregnancy - I likely won’t have another one).

It may be relevant that I have no male cousins / siblings and a distant relationship with my father. I also have a chronic health condition that means I’m always tired and am terrified by the stock “oh, boys have so much more energy / are more hard work” comments that you always hear.

I’ve NC’d for this as I have a feeling lots of people will be along to tell me that I’m terrible and should just be happy I’m pregnant. I am happy, just also a little sad and nervous. I REALLY want for it to all work out.

roisinagusniamh What a disgusting thing to say to someone who is pregnant and anxious. Maybe you need to consider your suitability to contribute to online forum discussions if you’re not going to make the effort to understand the question or empathise with people who are looking for advice (in this case, someone who clearly wants the best for their child).

Pregnant and anxious that she will have a healthy baby?
No, the reality here is that a baby should not be expected to be a certain gender to suit the parent!
I shall continue to post on whatever thread that takes my fancy, thank you Gold.

Don't be silly. Of course she didn't mean did it work out really. She meant of course I know it will work out but hormones and IMPENDING PARENTHOOD is making it seem more scary, so please tell me exactly how it worked out well for you.

Which most of us can see because, you know, empathy.

I’m pregnant with my third boy. I was convinced this one was a girl but it I guess I’m not supposed to have a girl as this is definitely my last. I won’t say I wasn’t a bit disappointed but then I felt guilty as if the baby knew I felt this way.

DH and I were so convinced we were having a girl that I think we sort of talked ourselves into wanting one, so when we found out we were having a boy our reaction was not so much “yay!!” as “...oh!”

My MIL will be thrilled, she’s been referring to the baby as “he” from the beginning (we’re keeping the sex to ourselves until he gets here). DH’s family is pretty much all boys whereas mine has 6 boys and 16 girls, which is probably another reason why I thought our little one would be a girl.
A month later we’re still sort of getting used to the idea but every bit as excited as we would be if it was a girl!!

Why want one or the other ?
Are stereotypes still so ingrained in certain people?
Have a baby....enjoy their emerging personality and try and disregard what you expect a boy or girl to be like .

Why want one or the other

Why not?! People can want whatever they want....ultimately no one has ever said I v wanted a girl, I now have a boy and I’m devastated/ don’t like him. Everyone just gets their head round it and loves them the same.

I had a girl the first time. My second is a boy and when I found out I didn't know how I would feel as I thought I wanted another girl.

Well he is the absolute light of my life. I don't know what I was thinking but boys are adorable. You will be over the moon when he arrives, I promise.

I am a mum of two little boys.

You will love him!

I don't think there's anything wrong with a preference. Let's face it. most people have preferences on a lot of things, but when faced with the reality are fine with it. I would have preferred to see Dumbo, but ds insisted on Avengers. I quite enjoyed it.

The problem is really if you get obsessive about I and let it cloud your thoughts. I knew someone at toddler group whose first conversation with anyone was always how disappointed she'd been to have a c/section, and how it clouded every aspect of her life. Whenever anything went wrong it was always down to having a c/section. That included when she asked for tea rather than coffee one morning.

If it's a case of getting your head round it, then that's a different matter. I had no idea with dc1 but dc2 and dc3 I was convinced wrong both times. With dc2 there were other issues as well to deal with, but I had a 2-3 months where I felt like the baby I thought I'd known had been swapped inside of me and I didn't know them any more. It was an odd feeling. Not like I was no longer pregnant, but that I was just marking time. Most of that was the main issue though.

Dc3 was more of a "oh" when I was wrong, and I kind of spent the rest of the pregnancy half-expecting to find out at the end that the scan was wrong.

What I did with both was, when I knew, bought something especially for that baby. We didn't choose names until much later (being in labour really focuses the mind on that I find ) but buying something especially for that baby makes it feel more real.

With all three of the dc (1 I had no idea and we found out a birth, 1 I thought was a boy and was a girls, and 1 the other way round-both of those we found out at the scan) it didn't matter at all either way when they were here.

By wanting a boy or girl shows you have preconceived ideas on how each should behave.
It shows you are putting your own needs ahead of those things f your potential children.

Why want one or the other?

I suppose one thing for me is that I don’t want to be the last in a long line of mothers with daughters that started with woman number one way back when and ended with my Mum.

What if you couldn't have a baby at all Angel?

What if you couldn't have a baby at all Angel?

Well I'm currently 25 weeks pregnant, so that question has no bearing on my reality...

Completely convinced i was having a boy

So convinced that when they held dd over the screen I panicked cos i couldnt see ‘his’ willy

So convinced that I checked ‘his’ nappy for weeks ...no reason, just sat there thinking ‘nah...its definitely a boy’

She is a horror, but I absolutely wouldnt be without her

It all worked out OP...good luck

Oh also it wasn’t a preference

I just honestly thought she was a boy

Aw 😘 hey - I've actually got three boys !!! I always wanted a girl and even now I still see myself with a little girl ( I'm def not having anymore !!) I wouldn't trade my boys in for girls any day tho. Boys are so loving especially towards mum . Honestly , you won't care once your little man is here , you don't even think about it as a gender thing you just love them for who they are , it's weird but you will get it !!!

I was the same as you and got quite down when I found out I was having a boy. I felt terrible for feeling upset about it but you can’t help how you feel.

Needless to say, I ADORE my boy and have done since he was born, and I often wonder why I ever thought I wanted a girl.

I think it does Angelo....people need to be sensitive to those who can't conceive .

Have a healthy baby is the only priority .

I was desperate for a girl. We didn’t find out. Took one look at my precious boy and couldn’t imagine him being any different. He’s perfect and I don’t feel at all slighted. Next baby I genuinely have no preference now.*

Same here for the most part. I thought I would have a girl, DH was convinced it would be a girl, we didn't find out, had a boy, he is wonderful. But he'd have been wonderful either way, because he's ours. And so will yours be. Your precious, amazing , wonderful baby! (Get 'on the night you were born' by Nancy Tillman.)

I remember when I was pregnant I wanted a boy because I was always such a tomboy, grew up with three brothers, loved sport. Stuff like hair, nails, make-up, dresses etc were alien to me.

Out popped a girl Love her to bits immediately, she was a sport loving mad child, always energetic, hated ballet, dressing up etc. She is an adult now and probably has worn dresses a dozen times and hates getting her nails done!

I had a girl first and really wanted another. I can't even remember now, why I didn't want a boy, but when ds1 was born I was 'Oh.'
It took approximately 10 mins for my brain to go from 'But I wanted a girl' to 'He is the most amazing baby on the planet!' and feeling sorry for the mums who'd had girls.

He's 26 now , and such a lovely man! And the sterotypes didn't play out either.. my delicate ballet dancer looking DD1 is a gay surfer and I think the only time I've seen her in a dress was at her wedding, DS1 is creative (he's a musician) and sensitive and gentle, and on a day to day business... easier to live with :)

It will be fine.

GAnd this is exactly why I don’t think its a good idea to find out before the baby is born. Now this has tainted the joy of your pregnancy ☹️*

You see, I think the opposite. If you have a preference and you find out the reality is different, you have time to come to terms with the disappointment and focus on the positives of your situation. Just like the OP is doing here - loads of people are able to tell her how fantastic it is to have a little boy. Whereas “bad” news on the day may be harder to take.

Congratulations OP! I have a friend who was in exactly your position, but she hand on heart wouldn’t change her little boy for the world now.

Bold fail there - sorry!

And this is exactly why I don’t think its a good idea to find out before the baby is born. Now this has tainted the joy of your pregnancy ☹️

Speaking entirely for myself ...

I had this too - I really wanted, and expected, a girl; and I was quite blindsided by the disappointment I felt when I was told I was having a boy.

That shock lasted a day or so - until I realised that my desire to have a girl was based on a narcissistic desire to have a 'mini me' - to have my baby mirror something back to me that I felt I didn't have, or wasn't, when I was an infant. That I could, in some way, bathe in her reflection.

I'm glad I didn't get that. No regrets whatsoever.