If you wanted / thought you were having a girl but ended up with a boy...

[GreenAndLeafy]

...how did you feel? Did it work out ok?

I’m due a baby boy in December. It’s my first pregnancy. I always knew that I had a preference for a girl, but I didn’t know how much so until we found out through the Harmony test that we’re having a boy.

I’m trying really hard to get my head around it, but I’ve realised that all of the daydreams that I’ve ever had about being a mum have been with a girl. I know on an intellectual level that I’m probably just making tonnes of assumptions about gender and what girls and boys do differently, but that doesn’t stop that huge fear that I’m now feeling that I’m going to be a terrible mum and not be able to bond with or enjoy our child. I feel sad about all the things I won’t be able to now share with the daughter I wanted (horrible pregnancy - I likely won’t have another one).

It may be relevant that I have no male cousins / siblings and a distant relationship with my father. I also have a chronic health condition that means I’m always tired and am terrified by the stock “oh, boys have so much more energy / are more hard work” comments that you always hear.

I’ve NC’d for this as I have a feeling lots of people will be along to tell me that I’m terrible and should just be happy I’m pregnant. I am happy, just also a little sad and nervous. I REALLY want for it to all work out.

Exactly AFistfull.....I have one of each and the boy is more like me than my daughter.
I just wanted to be a mother ...never cared whether I had a boy or girl.

God my DD had and still has more energy than my DS. She never stops and he's been a breeze.

@roisinagusniamh

This is not about preference as such, nor is it about being ungrateful or unsympathetic towards those who can't conceive. It's about mental health , anxiety, dealing with uncertainty and a lack of confidence during a particularly vulnerable time. It's about reassuringly a soon to be mother, experiencing a rough pregnancy, that she is overthinking and worrying unnecessarily and will love and bond with her baby. It's a thread about being kind and empathetic. Why try to make somebody, who already clearly feels vulnerable, feel worse about themselves?!! Why would you want to do that? The OP is going to make a great mother. She is worrying about her ability to be the best mother that she can be. That makes her more than suitable. Someone who lacks empathy, who seeks out attention by trying to rile others on a forum, from the safety of their computer screen on the other hand is more of a concern.

Corblimey....a baby has a right to be wanted regardless of it's gender . What about empathy for the baby who is just that , a baby .
People should think hard before they get pregnant about the outcome . It's 50 / 50 after all.
If you're so set on one gender over another , try fostering or adoption .
What if the baby has SEN ?
What then ?

I think it does Angelo....people need to be sensitive to those who can't conceive.

This entire thread is insensitive to those who can’t conceive, why are you singling me out?

You can't feel it yet, but as soon as you get to know your little bundle, you will adore them exactly as they are.

Instinct to love your child is very strong: we don't love them because they are a certain way; rather we cherish whatever they are because we love them iyswim.

PND is probably the main thing that can interfere with this process. So try not to worry about it,and just remain aware of your emotions after the birth - as all new mums should.

Sorry Angelo for singling you out. You are indeed right .
I hope anyone who has wanted and not been able to or struggled to have a baby has not read this thread. It is indeed very upsetting.
While I am well aware that Gender disappointment exists and can lead to PND but the reality of parenting goes way beyond this....the reality is simple , if you become pregnant the best you can wish for is a live (and healthy ) baby.
While being sensitive to the pregnant OP and her anxieties we tend to overlook this.
On deciding to become pregnant we must be prepared for a variety of outcomes .
The baby just needs to be loved and have his needs met .
I wish you the best OP . I wish your baby the best .

@roisinagusniamh we had a loss 4 years ago and then it took quite a while to fall pregnant again for a variety of health reasons. I am now half way through my pregnancy. I had always dreamed of having a little girl and was more surprised than disappointed when we found out we were having a boy. However there aren't many posts on this thread suggesting that people didn't or won't love the boys they had or are carrying? The consensus seems to be that yes you might feel a certain way initially but when you hold your baby you'll love them no matter what?

Can you say why you prefer a girl ?
You see, it is all about preconceived ideas about how each gender should behave and that is inhibiting their natural development . It is the wrong attitude to parenting .

@roisinagusniamh for me personally it wasn't so much that I preferred to have a girl it was more that I expected to if that makes sense? There are very few males in my family so it seems that, for us at least, a girl would have been the default option. However, since finding I'm now picturing all the things we are likely to do together and am very happy that my son will be joining our family. For me it was more of a surprise than a disappointment.

My son is a breeze compared to my daughter. A good sleeper, easy going, lovely temperant, so smiley and happy. My 6 year old daughter has at least one daily tantrum and is so emotionally complicated. I always wanted a daughter, and whilst she is wonderful, she is much harder work than my son.

In short I discovered gender doesn't matter. I love them both so very much.

I was certain that my second would be a girl. I already had a girl, and I was desperate for her to have a sister and enjoy the sisterly relationship that I had fabricated imagined in my mind. (I only have brothers)
Now, along came a little boy and now I think back and laugh at how desperate I was for another girl. It took me about 2 seconds to love him and I enjoyed him straight away. He's no more energetic than my DD, probably less so, and has a lovely gentle personality. I adore him and I never thought again about the lack of a sister for my DD.

My twin boys are nearly 3 - I honestly can’t see how it would have been different if they were girls. They’re just them, there’s nothing overtly Male or female about their characters. They are autistic so they are delayed in some areas and they have no concept of boy / girl stuff.

I do agree with you Roisin that all babies deserve to be loved regardless of gender. And I do agree that we have preconceived ideas about gender. And preconceived ideas about pregnancy, child birth, having a baby, being a mother. And intermingled in all of that, is a lot of uncertainty. It never occurred to me that I would have a boy (as utterly bonkers as that sounds). I grew up in an all female household (for the most part). I had very little experience of babies or young children. A boy was outside of my comfort zone. I had suffered from anxiety and bouts of depression, and was worried about whether I would be a good mother to a boy as I didn't know what to do with them. I worried about bonding, about getting pnd, about whether he would be healthy (which was obviously by biggest concern). And of course, once he was born I realised that gender made absolutely no difference at all. They are all just wonderful individuals. Yes, we do have preconceived ideas about gender, esp if we have experience of one gender more than that of another. And yes, it is bonkers. I would say that it's only once your baby is born that those ideas all go out of the window. But it is pretty common to have a preference before you have children though. I would also say that I struggled to conceive, as did my close friend, who had numerous late miscarriages. She was much more worried about having a boy than I was as she was under a greater level of stress due to her problems conceiving and her anxiety caused her to worry about PND all the more. It's just not as simple as being ungrateful or insensitive to those who are struggling to conceive. Nor does have a preconceived idea or preference stop you from worrying about whether your baby will be healthy. When you suffer from anxiety you worry about everything,whether rational or not. And you can also feel very guilty that you feel a certain way. And that guilt can feed into depression. So, it's important to allow women to feel honest about how they feel, however irrational some of those thoughts are, and seek reassurance from others. And not to be made to feel guilty about those feelings. Because receiving reassurance and support decreases the chances of getting pnd and increases the chances of a wonderful mother baby loving bond, which, as you rightly pointed out, all babies, regardless of gender, deserve!

Brilliant posts from @CorBlimeyGovenor, whose sensitivity and understanding have hopefully stopped this mostly supportive thread from going sour.

I read a great quote once about having a son that i think perfectly sums it up:

"Little boys will drive you to the edge of insanity only to pull you back in with a perfectly timed fart joke"

You'll be fine, boys are amazing and heaven knows they love their mummy's.. just take a look at the amount of MIL threads on MN

That's a beautiful post @CorBlimeyGovenor

Tiptopj, my daughter tells fart jokes too.It is a male child characteristic ...only encouraged as so by people who think boys behave like this because they are male .
If you do you best to parent without expectation of how a child should be due to gender you may be pleasantly surprised .
Children are malleable from a young age and want to please so will try and be the way their parents want them to be.
Let's the be children first ...be led by them . Buy them the toys they want not the ones you think they should have , etc.

*not a male characteristic

In my experience, once the baby is born, they are not "a boy" or "a girl", they are "insert child's name here".

Please don’t worry. I was convinced my second was a girl, didn’t find out but I had a strong feeling and really could not imagine having a boy at all, would have felt similar to you I think if I had found out. When he was first born I was shocked it was a boy but it didn’t take me long to fall head over heels in love with him and now I’m SO happy it was a boy because I just adore him and feel so lucky. He’s my little man and he’s just perfect, and so loving and cuddly. I also have a girl and adore her too. Ultimately your child is your child, boy or girl, and you will think they are amazing.

I was the same and I have a little boy who is just under 15 weeks and he is the most gorgeous little boy! I look at girls now and think I'm more than happy with a boy - he's much more chilled out and so loving. You will bond with him it's the preconceptions you have in your mind before that do it especially if you are close to your female relatives like I am. Little boys are lovely. Only thing that bothers me is all the clothes seem to be blue in shops!

Congratulations Dove.
A girl may have been just as chilled out thought.
You can dress you baby in whatever colour you like and ignore what people say .

I never really had a preference but everyone was convinced I was going to have a girl to the point where I became convinced too! I was surprised when at the scan I found out it was a boy. I wasn't disappointed but I've never really had any close male relationships growing up - I'm an only child of a single mother, no contact with my father.

DS is 6 and I can't picture myself with a girl at all. I love having a little boy. I've no plans for any more children but if I did I'd want another boy!

This thread is distasteful and ridiculously entitled:
‘I only wanted a girl’
‘I was so disappointed when I got a boy’
‘Ended up with a boy’
It’s unbelievable that privileged, western women in 2019 are saying / thinking this stuff.
I would have some sympathy if you already had 4 boys, but ffs.
Maybe some of us are too privileged and need to reassess our values 🙄