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Original poster

DS resents us for not sending him to private school

217 replies

sejanus · 16/04/2019 12:10

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

OP posts:
Zofloramummy · 16/04/2019 12:14

He has achieved good qualifications in a failing school. He is in university. His grandparents probably benefitted from cheaper house prices and cheaper living costs. He is being unreasonable to resent you for making choices which allowed you to have a decent quality of life.
You weren’t to know that the school would have problems. You also have one parent whose experience of private school wasn’t positive. In your shoes I’d have done the same. He needs to grow up a bit.

mbosnz · 16/04/2019 12:16

A parent's place is in the wrong, isn't it? If this is the worst he can hang his hat on, well, isn't he lucky?!

makingmiracles · 16/04/2019 12:19

HE got where he wanted to be didn’t he, uni. He sounds ungrateful. Going to private school is no garuntee of anything, dp went to private school, didn’t end up with anything amazing and didn’t go to uni, big waste of money in my opinion and only worth it if your child is especially talented in something specific that the private school can offer extra opportunities eg equestrian, sporting, dance etc

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AlexaShutUp · 16/04/2019 12:21

Sounds like he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder. I went to university from my state comp with a very high proportion of privately educated students. It wasn't a big deal at all. What does he actually think he missed out on? And what sacrifices does he think you should have made in order to pay for a private education?

I agree with the previous poster, he needs to grow up a bit and ditch the sense of entitlement. He got into his university of choice, so now it's down to him to make the most of the opportunities that he has.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 16/04/2019 12:22

Could you have afforded it?

If you could have done so easily, but didn’t, then maybe he has a point. If it would have been a financial struggle, then he’s being unfair. If it would have meant missing out on hobbies, trips out, holidays, clothes, I would (and did) send my to state school.

Your son has done well. He’s had the benefit of a university education. Maybe those friends aren’t really friends at all, if they’re cliquey

DobbysLeftSock · 16/04/2019 12:23

He needs to give his head a wobble. Also he should look at the costs of fees (plus extras) relative to income in the two different time periods. There's a lot of people who used to be able to afford private schools a generation or two ago that can't/ would struggle now.

What industry/ profession is he going into? Is he finding he is held back by not having the private school network, or is he just being a bit of a whingey git for no reason?

BlueMerchant · 16/04/2019 12:24

Sounds like he has an inferiority complex.
He doesn't sound like a very well-rounded young man. Presumably he is salivating to get into the 'posh' clique. Maybe it's his attitude that's the problem and not his state school education.

CannyLad · 16/04/2019 12:24

What can you say really? That ship has sailed so I think you have to talk to him about how adults make decisions, and the difference between in the moment and hindsight. Does he feel like he's missed learning, or developing his network? Both can be projects for university. Ask him how he thinks he could "compensate". It might focus his mind on what the benefits could have been. Does he need to head up the debating society, get extra tuition or go skiing with some toffs??

Dowdydoes · 16/04/2019 12:25

Brilliant that he didn’t. That kind of entitlement needs no stoking and an awareness that life is rarely fair or equitable could eventually make him notice the people behind him.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/04/2019 12:27

Wow call him a snob I would! All four of me and my siblings went to comprehensives and all of us went to University. My cousins went to private school and didn't.
I never ever noticed the difference to be honest. Got good grades, made friends, have posh (private school) and non posh mates. No one cared at my uni or my job at all about this sort of crap.there rubbish mates if they do care tbh
Tell him to man up and grow up. Bet you once he sees how expensive real life is as has bills etc, he will change his tune!,

NicoAndTheNiners · 16/04/2019 12:30

He does need to give his head a wobble.

I would have loved to go to private school but even as a school age teenager I realised my parents couldn't afford it. I'd also have loved a pony. And a trip to DisneyLand! And going on the school ski trip. None of which I got!

Sounds like his social circle is a bit of a bubble where he now thinks it's the norm to go to private school. 50% private school goers is not representative of the usual population.

MetroFly · 16/04/2019 12:30

Well I think he has a point. You both went to private school, your dh pissed around and you did ok, and didn't sacrifice the way your parents did.

juneau · 16/04/2019 12:30

What does he want you to do about it now FGS? He's been to school, he did well (in a not very great school), and that's to his credit. He got good A levels and into a good uni - I'd say he's one of life's success stories and instead of harping on about what he could have had he should be proud of what he made of his situation. As you say, it would have been a huge stretch for you and involved going without a lot of the nicer things in life, like holidays, and that's the thing about private school - if you're scraping by just to pay the fees when others are paying the fees AND still going on great holidays then I suspect your DS would've felt hard done by about that too. TBH, he needs to wind his neck in. I suspect that in time, when he's grown up a bit and understands that families don't have unlimited funds and that priorities have to be made in terms of lifestyle and education, that he may be more understanding. For now though, you'll just have to repeat that you did what you felt was best (i.e. prioritising a nice standard of living for all over private education), and say that when he has kids it will be up to him to make that decision for his DC. You can't turn back the clock.

Kez200 · 16/04/2019 12:31

This is about the way he feels not abut your choices, which were perfectly reasonable ones.

He needs to take ownership of his life and learn to make the best of it and be grateful for the many opportunities he has had and pat himself on the back in making it to his Uni himself.

He needs to get over this as there will always be someone in life better off than him. He will be on a hiding to nothing if he doesn't learn to accept himself for himself. He might do well to start by looking at those less well off. If he looks hard enough, there will be someone at Uni like this and then maybe he can start to adjust his sense of entitlement.

InDubiousBattle · 16/04/2019 12:33

I'd tell him to grow up...well actually I'd probably tell him lots of things, they would probably include the words 'ungrateful little sod'!!!

bigKiteFlying · 16/04/2019 12:34

University was first time I really encountered people who had been to private schools.

They did seem more confident and certainly seem to have access to more opportunities - not all of them fared well at university though and how many of these opportunities were because their parents had more money than mine or more contacts rather than actual school would be hard to pin point.

Is he finding he is held back by not having the private school network, or is he just being a bit of a whingey git for no reason?

^^ I wondered this as well.

CountFosco · 16/04/2019 12:38

Private education is massively more expensive now than it was when we were young. My PILs sent their 3DC to a well known private day school whose fees are now £13kpa. FIL was a university lecturer and MIL did voluntary work. There is no way their equivalents these days could afford to do what they did, and all their grandchildren have gone to state schools despite our generation having better paid jobs than our parents (although I also suspect University lecturers were much better paid in the past).

But you shouldn't feel guilty about not sending him to a private school. It's a massive cost and he has clearly not suffered academically. And it's up to you how you chose to spend your money.

There's evidence that when you factor in socioeconomic background then kids at private schools do not better at A level than those at State schools. In addition there's evidence that at University the kids who went to State school get better degrees, probably because they are better at self motivation. So tell him to wait and he'll probably get a better degree than his private school mates.

Nixen · 16/04/2019 12:40

You didn’t fail him by not sending him to private school but you might have failed in raising him as he sounds like a brat

TipseyTorvey · 16/04/2019 12:43

I went to uni yonks ago in the 90s but it was made very clear very quickly that my state education meant I was not 'in a certain gang'. I made friends with all sorts in the end including some nice private school kids that didn't care but there was always the gang that only hung out with people from rugby, Charterhouse and Ampleforth etc. Looking back I don't think they were very secure and were always sneering at people. Not very nice. He needs a better social group I think.

SnuggyBuggy · 16/04/2019 12:44

Comprehensive schools can be horrible places but as people say, he survived and did ok for himself and what you saved in fees would have made a huge difference.

Kaddm · 16/04/2019 12:45

He’s just a young person lashing out

It’s not like you can send him private now is it?!

Tell him to send his own kids private

Kaddm · 16/04/2019 12:47

Yes and agree with a pp, what sort of idiot only wants to hang out with people who went to certain schools? An asshole, that’s what sort!

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 12:47

Hmm.

“Tough shit, Sunshine” I think would be my response. Whatever you do, don’t apologise or explain. He’ll get over it. Many people are arseholes in early adulthood.

HollowTalk · 16/04/2019 12:49

He's not at St Andrews, is he? That can be very cliquey.

I don't remember knowing where anyone went to school when I was at university. I wouldn't have been friends with the sort of person who judged you according to where you went. My children (now in their 20s) didn't know where anyone went either, except my daughter went out with someone from Eton who talked about it a lot. He asked her if she'd send her future son there and she said, "With results like yours? No way." Grin

SpriggyTheHedgehog · 16/04/2019 12:49

Private schools can be horrible places too.