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Original poster

DS resents us for not sending him to private school

217 replies

sejanus · 16/04/2019 12:10

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

OP posts:
Sammysquiz · 16/04/2019 13:13

He left school fairly recently, so if he was unhappy there it’s still going to play on his mind a lot.

LillithsFamiliar · 16/04/2019 13:14

I'm unsure how old he is. If he's currently studying at university and finding it cliquey then I can understand why he's wishing he'd been sent to private school. Depending on the university, the private/state school divide can have quite a big impact.
You haven't explained here why you didn't send him. Because tbh if I were your DS (with a family who all attended private school) then I would not think the fear of missing out on holidays was a good enough reason.
I wonder if your DS is feeling undervalued or displaced in the family. I think every child deserves a good explanation of the education choices that were made for them.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 16/04/2019 13:15

Definitely has a chip on his shoulder! Seems rather entitled. DD went to a comprehensive and then a RG uni. Loads of her friends went to either very good private schools (30k plus a year) or top grammar schools. Absolutely no one cares what school she went to. Because she is good fun,kind and generous.

I think your son needs to pick better friends.

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YouBumder · 16/04/2019 13:15

He sounds like a bit of an entitled brat who hopefully one day will realise for himself just how difficult it is raising kids and trying to do the right thing for them.

TheFuckfaceWhisperer · 16/04/2019 13:17

Meh. I went to a common comprehensive and was still taught the difference between to and too.

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 13:20

“You need a bit of rubbing shoulders with the posh to really get how this country works. Sad to say.”

Mine went to state school. They can rub shoulders with the posh at home.

daisypond · 16/04/2019 13:20

How is 100k joint "pretty average incomes"? That's nearly double the national average. Your DS did well at school, got to the university he wanted. Private school is way overrated

78percentLindt · 16/04/2019 13:21

You sure can't win.
One of my DC was commenting about justifying to some Uni friends why he went to a private school. ( Not his decision, although he decided to stay for 6th form rather than go to 6th form college) .

sansou · 16/04/2019 13:23

He's comparing himself with his cousins and he's obviously suffered some kind of social setback and feels rejected by probably a certain group at uni that he's trying to be a part of. Obviously, it's your fault for not being rich enough to afford private education when all his cousins had it! Hmm

Roll your eyes and ignore. Treat him like the child he is.

Banterlope · 16/04/2019 13:23

I had a friend who was always banging on about sending his kids to private school, apparently because 'no one from state schools goes on to university.' We actually met at university, and I was delighted to point out that I went to uni from state school and ended up with a better degree than hime despite his own private school background. Apparently I'm 'the exception to the rule.' Confused

Many who went private themselves have no concept of state education, so the club perpetuates

Considering that everything a parent does is wrong/crap/stupid it sounds like he hasn't drawn the short straw.

Blvd · 16/04/2019 13:24

He clearly didn’t need to go to private school, as he has got to exactly the same place as those who did. I think his resentment is misplaced and should be aimed at the twats at his university. And surely if they account for 50% then let them have their private school cliques and he can find friends from those that either didn’t go to private school or are not twats about the fact that they did?

He is hanging around with twats basically.

diddl · 16/04/2019 13:24

Tell him to "make up for it" by making sure that he can afford for his own kids to go.

"My PILs sent their 3DC to a well known private day school whose fees are now £13kpa."

That's pretty low even by today's standards isn't it?

PinguDance · 16/04/2019 13:26

I can only imagine he’s fallen in with the Jack Wills crowd who host 21st birthday parties with a white tie dress code at Tuscan villas, reminiscing about South Africa hockey tours and arranging ski trips to Verbier and feels like he could have mixed with such fascinating people his whole life if he’d gone to private school. I think it’s about money not school, he probably doesn’t realise yet how much money some people - the kind you encounter at uni- actually have.

DrWhy · 16/04/2019 13:26

He may just be an entitled little sod but are you possibly dismissing miserable systematic bullying throughout school as being ribbed for being geeky ?

HappyDinosaur · 16/04/2019 13:26

I went to a lovely private school, but I wouldn't send my child! I just don't like the values and feel I was lucky enough to see the world from a wider perspective through working and making friends with other people. I don't mean this for everyone, but it can and does instil certain views of entitlement in some. It sounds like your son has done great so clearly it hasn't hampered his progress in any way.

Drogosnextwife · 16/04/2019 13:26

The grass is always greener OP.

Sculpin · 16/04/2019 13:27

I went to private school but my DC are at state schools. School fees have increased at a much higher rate than wage inflation, so it's a different decision now than it was for my parents. My DC are getting on fine at the moment but after reading this thread I hope they don't resent me in years to come Confused

WombatChocolate · 16/04/2019 13:27

You find people with these kind of thoughts amongst all wealth-groups and ages in society. It is a function of being someone who always feels they have been hard-done by, regardless if the situation they find themselves in. Some people have an inability to take a broader view if themselves,nother situation and the world at large and become very inward looking, entitled and critical of decisions others have made. They fail to appreciate the circumstances that influence those making decisions, nor to take responsibility for their own outcomes.

Op, unfortunately, I wonder if you have encouraged him in these attitudes. If the fact he hasn't got to Independnet school when it was the norm in your families, and have often spoken about this and perhaps even apologised for it, it may have become a big thing in his mind and the perceived root of every possible problem that he will ever be able to perceive. YOU made your choices for good reasons, and hopefully you have had the courage to own them and support them. If you had, he would probably have accepted and owned your choices too. Clearly, he has gone on to do well so far...and life is really only just beginning for him....what happens next will be up to him. Your choices have got him to a strong starting point for adulthood...he is a t a good uni and predumably he has had a good upbringing with access to lots of opportunities which a £100k family income can deliver. He is old enough now to see the huge advantages he has had and also to recognise that lots with an expensive education haven't eneded up at the uni he is at.

As parents, you shouldn't be apologising. Lots of people can afford Independnet education and actively choose not to send their kids to private schools, deciding their state options are good and preferring to use their money for other things. It is perfectly valid. Loads of children who are state educated are from affluent homes with lots of opportunities and educated to a high level and in very successful careers .....really important to remember for both a boy and possibly parents who are finding holding onto the facts of reality a little hard.

I suggest both the Op first gives herself a shake and reminds herself about the things that matter in bringing up a child and why she made the choices she did and gathers a bit of self confidence in those choices. Own them. And once you've done that Op, have a word with that son of yours and see if really he does have an issue or it was more in your own mind. If he does, he needs a talking to as well about what matters and how fortunate he is. Remind him that what happens next will be down to him.

Deadringer · 16/04/2019 13:30

As a pp said a parent's place is in the wrong. If he had gone to a private school he would probably be complaining that he doesn't fit in with the 50% at uni who went to state schools. You did what you thought was best what else can a parent do?

RomanyQueen1 · 16/04/2019 13:30

Surely he's old enough to understand that you'd have had no extras if you'd paid for his education. I'd be telling him what a waste it would have been as well, considering he is doing so well.
I'm sorry but 100k is not average, it's stinking rich.
I'm surprised such an intelligent person can't see the pros and cons, even my dd can see them at 15 and not the brightest button.

Coveredincathair · 16/04/2019 13:33

My daughter is the opposite of your son. She was in private education from 3-16 years of age, then choose to go to a six form college. She wishes she’d gone to state school!

smallereveryday · 16/04/2019 13:37

I could easily have sent my dcs to private school but didn't as I don't believe in private education. One of the main reasons being is that they don't have the opportunity to meet kids from all walks of life.

All older ones are at 'very good' unis. I also opted out of the 11+ (although it is an almost obsessive occupation of the parents in our area ) because it is just another way of 'sorting' kids by their parents wealth. (If you can afford tutoring from age 7 you will pass unless there is something seriously amiss).

My children are fucking proud that they have gained their achievements based on hard work and graft not the advantages money brings. It also means they can talk and fit in with a prince or a pauper.

He needs to get over himself.

Lindy2 · 16/04/2019 13:38

I don't think wanting to be part of a clique at University who look down on those who went to state school is something to aspire to.
I take it they are all at University due to academic achievement. Tell him that's what counts not where they got their grades.

diddl · 16/04/2019 13:38

"I think it’s about money not school,"

Yup.

I mean if you can barely scrape the fees & none of the extras-will you be on the outside looking in?

MullofKintire · 16/04/2019 13:39

Just remind him that he is one of a vast army of middle class students from supportive home backgrounds who have made it to good universities without their parents having to shell out £££££.
If he has not yet found his peer group he cannot have looked far.
He also has the great advantage of being able to claim that he made it through his own hard work and determination and not because Mummy and Daddy bought it for him ...
(before people jump down my throat that last bit is tongue in cheek).