DS resents us for not sending him to private school

[sejanus]

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

The OP hasnt posed an actual question - just given us facts. Including the "average" income, which is seriously not average. He has "admitted" he feels he massively missed out. Which sounds like someone asked him a direct question? He could hardly lie about it. He's not moaning, he is answering a question. If I had had an income of that size I would definitely have given him the option, but I dont really know what your question is.....

When I was at a top Russel Group university in the 80s no-one knew or cared where people had gone to school. Except just one pompous idiot who said "you went to a comprehensive school? Oh you poor thing!!"

He was ribbed constantly for that one for the next three years

If anything, the private school kids were slightly embarrassed and kept quiet about it, while the comprehensive crowd were seen as rather cool.

Your DS does seem to be hanging about with an odd crowd. He needs new, cooler friends

He may just be an entitled little sod but are you possibly dismissing miserable systematic bullying throughout school as being ribbed for being geeky ?

I thought this too. It sounds like he may have been bullied in school, then ostracized at college. I get why he would be upset about that. To his way of thinking, private school may have resolved both of those problems - he sounds like he was considered an "outsider" in all of his school experiences, whereas in private he may not have been.

About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. I hope he isn't doing anything maths ased!

That also means that about 50% of his Uni mates did NOT got to private school and were probably a bit cliquey too!

Bluntly tell him to get his head out of his fundament and to focus on what he can buid from here onwards! Looking back whatifery will only lead him to be a miserable bugger, poisoning his own life!

My husband and I have a joint income of £100k, and whilst I honestly loathe it being called average because I'm highly aware it's above average (and get the rage when I see salaries like mine described as 'not going far...')... it certainly doesn't strike me as private school money - which would be at a minimum 18k a year for 2 children in a 3k per term place. It just seems like such a vast proportion of our take home wages!

I think if i was in your shoes and he complained more than once he would be getting it with two barrels from me!
You parented the best you could, yes, you may have been able to afford it but at a cost to something else.
To be honest if it was my son he would be told to park that attitude right now as he is sounding pathetic and whiney. He would be reminded that he is a man now so get on with life and make the the most and never bring the subject up again. Also to stop being so entitled because nobody likes that in anyone!

Well I think he has a point. You both went to private school, your dh pissed around and you did ok, and didn't sacrifice the way your parents did
Has he heck got a point. THe OP and her DH parents made parenting choices and when it was the OPs turn she and her husband made choices that worked for their family at the time. What a previous generation has done doesn't feature.

I can kind of understand his point. I did not go to private school but that was never an option. I suspect as both of you did go to private school, you may not recognise the other advantages of going that he is recognising. So not being one of the few ones working extremely hard, and the classism at a lot ofbetter universities - classism that many people from more privileged backgrounds don't recognise, but tha5 he is seeing.
Also just under £100k is not an average income, it is a very well off income.
But what is done is done. If I was you I would just let him complain, however hard that it is, and acknowledge his difficulties- such as the way some students treat him because he went to a state school. Denying his difficulties or defending yourself will simply make him feel unheard. But it would be fair enough if you listen and acknowledge his difficulties, to after a while if he is still complaining say something like - we didn't understand how going to state school would affect you, so yes perhaps we were wrong and we have acknowledged this before. But you are now an adult and you need to look at the future and what you are going to do about it, rather than dwelling in resentment and bitterness.

Also to those saying a parents place is in the wrong, that is correct. Because one of us are perfect parents, we do all make mistakes. And it is rarely the ones you agonise over at the time.

"we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)"

The average full time salary is £29,588.
People who work part-time obviously earn less.
If you're taking about average "income" (not just salary) you might include people who are not in paid work, such as retired people, jobseekers, and people who can't work due to illness or disability. So if you include those people, the average income is much lower.

It seems that you've underestimated your privilege. Of course that's easy to do when you're comparing yourself to people who are more privileged than you. And that's the trap your son has fallen into.

He does sound rather spoiled and immature. Hopefully life experience will improve that.

you must have some phenomenal outgoings if you couldn't afford private school for one child but earn anything in the region of £100K.

It sounds like your DS has struggled to fit in anywhere. Would going to private school have made a difference? Probably, but it's hard to know.

Is he in his first year at uni? First year can be very hard in many ways but hopefully he'll find his tribe soon.

*Hmm.

“Tough shit, Sunshine” I think would be my response.*

Me too. I would add that if he has an inferiority complex about to this now, as an adult who has succeeded in getting into a good university, he probably would have made your life even more unbearable if he had gone to private school. 7 years of whinging to that everyone else's daddy earned more, drove a better car, lived in a bigger house... You've been spared that at least!

I’m with the majority here, I think your son needs a lesson in gratitude. I’m state educated and DH private. He went to Cambridge, I went to Glasgow. Both professionals with good jobs. Both our children went to the local state school, we would not have been able to afford private education at a decent school near here, and I wouldn’t have wanted to send them anyway. Both did well at school and my son especially did very well and got into his first choice university, a top 10 RG, in the top 5 for his subject. He had also had some bullying for being geeky at school and possibly a bit middle class I guess. By the time he left it was in special measures.

At university the majority of his friends were privately educated, but all lovely, and he actually relished the fact he was the country bumpkin from a state school. I think he used to embellish how bad it was if I’m honest. He sailed through (as did DD who did a vocational degree) and has a very good job now. He is adamantly against private education too. Remind your son of how your holidays etc would have been affected by private education and tell him to look for nicer friends.

I might just point out to him that the people ostracising him for going to state school are obviously complete arseholes and does he really want to be one of them?

I'm a comp person from a school out in sticksville.

I went to do a science degree at a red brick Uni and the cohort was well-mixed, northern people, southern people, comp, the odd private school person but...no probs.

10 years later I went to a posh ex-poly for a very particular vocational course, with a hugely posh lad culture and intake. It took ages for the penny to drop that they all knew each other prior due to rowing and rugby between prep schools. They were very nice to me (I learnt a lot!) and I was older and it was fine but I'm glad I wasn't there as a youngster.

It's maybe an Alain de Botton thing, status anxiety.

It might have been better to aim for a Uni with a more diverse intake??

But he's there now and he needs to find his people, maybe outside the course.

He's an adult now, so why doesn't he pay to send himself to a private university? Or join some private clubs?

OP you couldn't afford it on your "average " joint salary. There are 4 private school in my town, day fees average £6000 a term. My hubbie and I earn about £40000 joint per year. An extra £25000 a year would cover fees and sundries. So with one child I am sure you could have afforded it, but you chose not to which is your peragative. However please stop with the nonsense about having a average income.

I don't think some of the nastier comments are especially helpful to a teenager who has struggled socially at school and is now struggling socially at uni. But then I don't subscribe to the MN view that people should be grovellingly grateful for anything more than the bare minimum.

Such a race to the bottom, chippy attitude.

First year at uni is hard. Not an independent adult, not a schoolkid.

I can see his point given your joint salaries. Parents who went to private schools themselves can be very naive about what it’s like to be a middle class student who wants to work in a comprehensive, particularly one with failings.

But on the plus side, he’s done really well to get to his chosen university, and a state school background can be a plus now for certain jobs.

Do you think that he resents the fact that he does not come from a wealthier background?

I am extremely grateful that due to the fact I had supportive parents and am old enough to have gone to university for free (and got a full grant!), I have been able to be more socially mobile than others who went to the same comp.

However, it can be tricky when you realise that you have a much poorer background than your friends. I don’t resent it, but it is hard when you realise that all your friends have big houses, can ski, sail, and get deposits for houses, or have nice cars. Or even just have much better clothes.

“But then I don't subscribe to the MN view that people should be grovellingly grateful for anything more than the bare minimum.

Such a race to the bottom, chippy attitude.”

So going to a state school is “the bare minimum” and a “race to the bottom”? That’s 93% of the population fucked, then.....

He sounds spoilt and on the wrong side of posh to me.

no, I don't mean that Bertrand.

I wonder how unhappy he was at school? Comprehensives can be brutal places sometimes and maybe he resents being put through it at the time. But really, he could do with looking forwards- maybe he will aim to earn enough to send his own children to a private school? He sounds as though he will be fine.

Well that was a clever op, op.

Lots of inverted snobbery on your clever thread.

You could have sent him to private school for 6th form. Then he would have got the benefit of both worlds, which would have stood him in very good stead in life.

Listen to him, don't dismiss him. Give him a good hearing and say you're sorry he's unhappy about it. That's not spoiling him but respecting his unhappiness. Yy he may grow out of it but for now it's important and don't let your snobbery, inverted or otherwise, cloud the issue.

Which well-known private day school is only £13k per annum? That's very cheap! Most people fork out at least that much for a full-time nursery place these days.

“no, I don't mean that Bertrand.”

Fair enough. Why did you say it, then ?