DS resents us for not sending him to private school

[sejanus]

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

What does it matter now, if he's finished school and university? Why would he need to complain about this now?

Is he generally very immature? I'll be honest I wouldn't even be giving him the time of day to discuss it. If he feels so strongly about it he can choose a different way for his own kids.

Why is he saying this though as he’s got to uni where now surely it’s an open playing field based on his academic achievements and his interpersonal skills. Is he now performing and meeting academic targets or is this just a get out excuse?

Jeez, if he's this entitled having gone to comprehensive God only knows what he'd have been like coming out of private school. He's going to continue being a very unhappy young man if he thinks he was actually entitled to a certain kind of education. So the family should have gone without things just to benefit him? He sounds like a spoiled ungrateful brat.

I guess socially he feels he fits in with the private school crowd, but they don't quite accept him through snobbery.

So now he is too posh to fit in with the other state school kids, and not posh enough for the public school kids

is that it?

my BIL felt like that at Cambridge, all his parents' friends kids (his peers) came up from Eton, Gordonstoun etc but he was too "posh" to fit in with the state school grafters

He got over it, but just wondering if this is how your DS feels, at once too posh and at the same time not posh enough....

also dying to know which Uni it is !

Tell him to crack on with having a baby so it can be his turn to make decisions for someone who will probably tell him he was wrong 25 years too late.

Silly boy.

Is he finding he is held back by not having the private school network

Probably feels held back because his shitty entitled attitude would match that of a private school person.

I would be gutted if any of my DC's grew up to be such ungrateful arsehole.

Not to mention the fact that he doesn't seem to give a shot about his own parents.

Delightful.

Show him this thread and tell him to fuck off

As he gets older he will realise. I think a lot of kids go through a phase in early adulthood of blaming their parents for not doing x y and z or vice versa. Some of it turns put to be true of course but in the vast majority of cases as your child navigates round the real adult world they will slowly realise why their parents made the choices they did and how difficult it is sometimes to 'get it right'.
Theres no guarantee of success in a private school at all... I agree that if you cant quite afford it then theres no point in decreasing your overall quality of life for it. That has its own issues.
I went to an incredibly expensive old public school.... and I dropped out at 16 and was addicted to speed living basically homeless by 18..... I've never held more than a minimum wage job. So that was clearly avery good use of my parents money!!

Hopefully your son will eventually realise you DID make the right decision because hes actually doing completely fine... and that is the result you want from any parenting decision at the end of the day!!

"Less than100K together" is not average.
The median personal income is £21,000 pa.

Putting that aside: I think your DS IBU. Albeit, he's unreasonable in a way that's very common to teenagers.

I think its normal to get to that age and start questioning the judgement and decisions of our parents. That reaction against them is partly how we work out our own values and priorities.

With luck we eventually get through it and see our parents with more compassion: as fallible human beings who did their best.

You don't need to justify yourself to him. But if you feel the need then you could just explain that you wanted him to have a good quality of life and other material things.
Then make that an end to it. Tell him you did your best and your aren't going to rake over your decisions at this late stage.

You could also point out the privileged position he's in. Receiving what sounds like an elite education. It seems like he understands private education as "normal" when its anything but.

I wonder if it might do him good to step outside of those privileged surroundings for a bit and reset that "normal". Perhaps do some voluntary work with people facing the sharp end of austerity (CAB or similar?).

Sorry, I'm struggling to get past the 'average' income of £100kpa between you.

I'm with him on this. He's suffered because of his parents' (political?) choices. What you did wasn't fair, it served you but not him.

He has a right to be miffed. You need a bit of rubbing shoulders with the posh to really get how this country works. Sad to say.

How old is he now, and WTAF has prompted this?!

He's a cheeky fucker. Snobby bastard.

He suffered??

100k joint salary is way above average I would say & I think you could have afforded to send one DC to private school.
I think if he was in an ordinary family setting where everyone goes to local comp he would know no different, but I think he can see that he is the only one in his family who didn't get the chance. You say DH messed about a bit and didn't get out of his private school what he should have, maybe your DS feels that had he had the chance he would have worked really hard. Schools can be horrible places if you are slightly different i.e. he speaks slightly better/works harder than the average comp child.
I think it's fairly normal to claim your parents are at fault for x/y/z when you're a teenager going into adulthood.
I went to grammar school & I still get people from my hometown going on about it. This is 30 years later - so some people are really bothered about these things.
I'm sure he will be fine once he's got his degree. He probably is coming up against the super confident private school lot and feels a bit out of his depth & is assuming that had he been himself he might fit in better.

Have you talked to him about his reasons for being resentful? What did he say, and is there anything there that's justifiable, or is he just doing the '' 'snot fair' bit?

he speaks slightly better/works harder than the average comp child

We chose to not send DS to a private school whils being able to afford it, DH went to one of the best public schools in the country whilst I went to a really bad comp. Ds is still taking A levels but doesn’t seem bothered. The real issue are the arseholes at his University and wanting to fit in.

Maybe he was more unhappy at school than you realise?

Well, it's always your parents' fault isn't it?

He's managed to achieve well enough to get where he wanted to go which sounds pretty good to me.

Now, he's finding it tricky to get along with everyone he meets out there in the big, bad world. Welcome to RL.

Give him a few years to grow up....

I'm with Bertrand. I wouldn't engage. And in fact I would find it a bit hard not to do a real life when he brought it up.

In 100k I would never have considered private school for their whole education. I would have probably saved money towards private school for A levels and help at university instead.

I’ve often wondered if private schools should publish detailed tables of how much their alumni earn. Probably impossible to do for a long list of reasons, but I think a lot of parents who struggle to pay fees might think twice if they saw the earnings of alumni. Myself and my DB went to private schools. DBs children are at private school paid for by a work perk, ours are also at a private school.none of our contemporaries could pay full fees on one salary (work perks, bursaries, scholarships and GP contribute heavily) Surely if privately educated kids can’t afford private schools as adults the schools have failed(if they are going to be judged on the supposed high paying jobs their alumni end up in). Next year’s fees are £27k for our DC 8&6. Totally out of reach for most of the population. But I would feel guilty if I thought we hadn’t given our DC every opportunity when we could afford it.

Glad I'm not the only one who was spluttering over £100k being an 'average' household income! Only on bloody Mumsnet!

Did you ask him whether he feels that he missed out, or did he volunteer that information? 'Admitting' that he feels that he missed out is fair enough if you asked him - he feels what he feels and he'll (hopefully) grow out of that as he gets a bit more life experience and perspective. If he brought it up with you in an accusatory way, though, then you might need to point out that having a chip on your shoulder isn't an attractive feature, and that when he grows up a bit he'll look back on this and feel rather embarrassed at being so entitled.

Life experience will give him what he needs to learn to deal/or not with people from all walks of life.

He has missed out on nothing - he just needs to grow a thicker skin or more confidence.

From your OP, it sounds as if he has finished Uni now, but that this is hanging over him, and that must worry you.

Although this sounds rather a first world problem, and it's simple to say that he should give his head a wobble, he may, if he's not careful, let this affect the way that he feels about himself, moving forward in life. As a loving mum, you may want to remind him that you can't change the past, but warn him that feeling resentful can be incredibly damaging, leaving you forever wondering 'What if', rather than committing to life and making the most of it.

I get the thing about not fitting in with your peers. I went to an ordinary comp, but was always perceived as a bit posh, because I didnt have a local accent. I had a great time at Uni socially, but really struggled to find my niche when I left. I lost a lot of confidence, and clearly remember that feeling of "If I'd gone to a different school/Uni/whatever . . . " It gnaws away at you.

In a similar way, my Mum lost her own mother in her early twenties, which was, of course, incredibly sad. However, I remember becoming aware as I was growing up, that she was letting that one event, however huge, define her as a person. It was behind all of her decision making, all of her life choices, which is quite sad.

If your son is serious about this, listen to him. Let him know that his feelings are real, and that you understand. Obviously you can't change the past, but you can hear him out without criticising him for feeling as he does. Sometimes that's all that is needed, for him to get it off his chest and to start to build a life for himself. If it isn't enough, encourage him to get some counselling so that he doesn't hold off making the most of life and of his talents, by dwelling on what can't be changed.