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Original poster

DS resents us for not sending him to private school

217 replies

sejanus · 16/04/2019 12:10

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

OP posts:
MitziK · 16/04/2019 16:36

Going by the accounts of friends who went to private school, at 'only' £100K income, he'd have been constantly given grief about being 'The Poor Kid' and would have been moaning now about how your failure to only earn roughly 5 times what the majority of us have to manage on led to him not being able to keep up with the others socially.

snowdrop6 · 16/04/2019 16:44

Well going by accounts from our friends and family ,people sending their dc to private school are selling their home and renting to do it..living in a tiny 2 up two down to afford it..their child isn’t being made to feel odd one out either ..
Op you chose this decision for your son..you really need to own it

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 16:45

“I expect a lot of conversation growing up would of been around education.i expect he felt he wasn’t part of that at home.”

Why on earth not? He was at a state school-not being left under a stone.....

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General education Private schooling
TSSDNCOP · 16/04/2019 16:50

Jesus, what an entitled little tosser.

He got the grades at the Uni he wanted and mum and dad saved at least 100k in the process that will presumably come his way at some point.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/04/2019 16:51

You must feel rather embarrassed that your son says feels this way op.

Do not apologise. Suggest to him that he cracks on and enjoys the fruits of the many privileges he has already had in life.

DobbysLeftSock · 16/04/2019 16:53

Being very harsh and cynical here, but do you think he's working his way up to a guilt trip money grab? In a "you never invested in my education you heartless bastards, now I should get the fifty grand you would have spent on fees" kind of a way?

TSSDNCOP · 16/04/2019 16:56

Dobby you may be into something there.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 16/04/2019 17:12

going by accounts from our friends and family ,people sending their dc to private school are selling their home and renting to do it..living in a tiny 2 up two down to afford it

If true, these people are idiots. And the stress on their children to make their parents' bizarre choice pay off! Besides presumably housing them in their old age.

minipie · 16/04/2019 17:30

In his shoes I might feel a bit upset that you hadn’t moved me to a different school (not necessarily to a private school) once it was clear I was unhappy/didn’t fit there and the school was going downhill.

Why didn’t you? Were there no other state options?

I can’t see why he’d feel it ought to have been private school though.
Does he realise only 7% of the country go to private school? His uni might have given him the wrong idea of how common it is?

If he’s being excluded by a rah crowd of public school ites point out that he has dodged a bullet. Anyone who chooses their friends depending on what school they went to is a tosser.

YouBumder · 16/04/2019 17:47

I expect a lot of conversation growing up would of been around education.i expect he felt he wasn’t part of that at home..I expect he felt left out in his family.and now not fitting in at uni...

LOLZ Biscuit

Mississippilessly · 16/04/2019 18:24

Ok so your income is clearly above average however mortgages etc add up. With lots of private schools around the 30k p/a mark, as well as trips, food etc, that's a MASSIVE wedge of your money. Plus I cant imagine it being fun in a private school of everyone else can afford x, y nd z and your parents cant.
I do think he needs to grow up. And I also think this is about money and as a PP said the 'Verbier trips' rather than the education.
For what it's worth we earn more than you do, and I also work in an independent school so would get a reduction. Still not certain we will send our child there, and it's a very good school

Jiggles101 · 16/04/2019 19:59

Some of these posts are really confirming what I've always suspected about private schools, that they can produce elitist little snobs who can't rub along with anyone who isn't like them.

Tell him not be so ridiculous.

apleasantdayout · 16/04/2019 20:05

Ok, a little off point,, but joint incomes near 100K are NOT 'pretty average' as you put it. The average income in the UK is £28,677 (Based on 2018) so two full time earners on average income would have an income below 60k.

You are actually extremely affluent compared to most people. Its a real bugbear of mine that affluent people genuinely live in such a bubble that they feel they are 'average'.

I suspect you could have afforded private education for one child on your considerable joint income and still been able to afford a holiday. .

apleasantdayout · 16/04/2019 20:08

Going by the accounts of friends who went to private school, at 'only' £100K income, he'd have been constantly given grief about being 'The Poor Kid'

Certainly wouldn't have been like that where I used to live - incomes of the OPs would have been very normal for private educated children.

apleasantdayout · 16/04/2019 20:11

I would have just told him that there was no way we could have afforded it without a massive struggle

Except that wouldn't have been true, would it?

apleasantdayout · 16/04/2019 20:20

Having read full thread, some of comments here about this young man are awful. He went to a failing state school, was unhappy and bullied, made to feel like a misfit who didn't belong. It's not surprising he harbours some resentment that he could have gone to a different school. Don't most of us look back on things that didn't work out and wish we could have taken a different path instead?

And when he talks to his mum about how he feels, it appears that she responds by pretending that it would have been a struggle and he wouldn't have had the holidays that 'he enjoyed'. Presumably though OP, you enjoyed these holidays too. Wasn't the decision not to send him to private school based on you wanting to keep a quality of life that you enjoyed?

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 20:28

But he’s not saying he wished he’d moved schools because he was unhappy. He’s saying he wished he had gone to private school because he wants to be in the Private School Gang at university.

ChariotsofFish · 16/04/2019 20:33

I can guess which university he’s at. There are a few with a real problem of ex public school people being terrible about it.

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 20:38

“I can guess which university he’s at. There are a few with a real problem of ex public school people being terrible about it.”

I think I can too. It hasn’t changed much since my day.

Smumzo · 16/04/2019 20:51

I'd listen to him. It doesn't sound like you helped him when he was miserable at school. He thinks you could have by moving him to a private school. He is the only one in his family to not be privately educated. Most people strive to give their kids what they had or better. I can see his point.

ContinuityError · 16/04/2019 20:53

If it’s the one I’m thinking of, then a certain college attracts a certain type of public school boy.

Fortunately in my time there nobody in the bar could add up, which made a night out particularly good value.

My (also comprehensive schooled) friend’s comment was “if my parents had spent that much on my education and I still couldn’t add up they would have kicked my arse from here to Kilkenny”.

BertrandRussell · 16/04/2019 21:02

Sally’s?

ContinuityError · 16/04/2019 21:08

Castle?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/04/2019 21:11

Of course a couple on nearly £100,000 pa could struggle to pay for private education for one child.

It depends on their other outgoings and the fees at the school.

Happynow001 · 17/04/2019 07:54

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools.
What about the other 50%. Could he find nobody to identify and/or be friends with in that group?

You as parents did what you thought best in the circumstances in a state school which was a good choice at the time. But "stuff" happens in life 🤷🏿‍♀️ and we all just need to do the best we can with what we have (though this may take him a while to recognise).

He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?
Circumstances were probably different then. Housing was cheaper/mortgages a lower multiple of your salary, further education less of a financial burden than now, etc.

However, when he gets to parenthood he can put whatever "wrong" he feels you did him right by putting his children into private school. Of course good luck with getting in the housing ladder, expensive holidays, etc

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