DS resents us for not sending him to private school

[sejanus]

Let me just give a bit of back story...
Both DH and I went to private schools. DH went to a big name boarding school and hated it, left without any real good qualifications as he mucked about. I went to a small day school and was happy and left with good enough grades to get me into the local university. I am an only child. DH has a brother and a sister who have both done very well for themselves and so now send their children to private schools too. DS is therefore the only one of his generation in the family not to go to a private school.

We sent him to the local comprehensive school that looked like a very good option when he was in primary, but over the years has slid. It's now having extra support due to failures in certain fields.

DS worked very hard throughout school and ended up with good a levels that got him into the university he wanted to go too. He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

Could we have afforded private school? Probably, at a big push without any holidays that he's enjoyed but we both have pretty average incomes. (Less than 100k together)

DS has admitted he feels like he massively missed out on not being sent to a private school. About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools. He said well if his grandparents afforded for his parents to go to private school, why could his parents not do the same?

About 50% of his university went to private schools and he feels they are cliquey against people who went to state schools.

Basically, he wanted to be on the half that looks down on the other half, right?

He still has 50% to be friends with. And possibly quite a large percentage of the private school 50%, but not if he has a chip on his shoulder.

“You could have sent him to private school for 6th form. Then he would have got the benefit of both worlds, which would have stood him in very good stead in life”

Why would going private for 6th form have made a difference?

You could have sent him to private school for 6th form. Then he would have got the benefit of both worlds, which would have stood him in very good stead in life.

But he could also have been an outcast for an entire year.

He could have found fault either way. You done what you thought was right at the time. It's up to him what he does now.

I didn't, Bertrand, that is what you have read into it. Mine was a general statement regarding an attitude I see quite often on MN with regard to a variety of issues, and was in response to those posters who seemed to think this teen is entitled and should have a less-than-sympathetic response to his worries and concerns. His parents chose to send him to a school that has been getting worse over the years where he has struggled to fit in socially, in the knowledge that they could probably have sent him elsewhere.

I know you are very averse to private education, which is of course your right to your opinion, but I think you allow that to cloud your judgement sometimes.

The words 'diddums' and 'tough shit' spring to mind.

He sounds very immature.

I think there have been some spectacularly mean posts on this thread, calling the young man in question some rather horrible names. I don’t recall the OP saying it was open season on her son? He was speaking to his parent about his feelings, not doing a sadface in the Daily Mail.

For what it’s worth, at age 17 I didn’t understand why anyone needed private education, as it was perfectly possible to get great results at a comprehensive - like me! In fact, I slightly looked down on those who did as clearly they were spoon-fed beyond their natural abilities...

But when I went to university (1999s) to do an arts subject, I actually came into direct contact with a large cohort of privately educated people (mostly big name public schools) and it was a huge shock to me how much better-prepared they were for the subject we were studying. Many had done Classics or studied Classical Civilisation at school, which was important background information for our subject. They had been on endless school trips or holidays to great cultural centres: Rome, Florence, Athens...Gap years had been spent working for an MP, doing internships, studying history of art, or learning another language. They had been taken to the theatre on a regular basis, or performed with the National Youth Theatre. My three straightforward A-Levels and one sixth-form outing to Stratford Upon Avon just couldn’t compete!

Obviously this was pre-internet days so some of the information about these opportunities never reached my school, even if my family could have afforded for me to do them. I can see that it is easier to reproduce these ‘extras’ nowadays. But I do have some empathy with his point of view.

Well it's a decision you made and it cannot be undone. Your incomes however are way way above average! (Average household income is is just under £30k, that's combined), so I can see where he's coming from. The only universities with that high private school students are Oxford and Cambridge, so I'm guessing if he's not there, he's choosing to mix with rich kids

The words 'diddums' and 'tough shit' spring to mind.

^ this is the kind of comment I'm referring to. How is that in the least bit helpful?

My DH has worked in the university system for the last 30 years in a 'good' university - ie one that people compete to get into. There is statistical evidence that students coming from state schools do better than those coming from private schools. Nobody has been willing to look into this, because those who invest in private education want to feel, understandably, that the sacrifices they make to afford it are worthwhile. But your son has not missed out educationally by going to a school where he's had to fight for his achievements.

It sounds like he's going through a bit of a crisis of confidence, maybe through mixing with a rather snobby set of people. Nobody worth their salt will judge others for their background or education. Encourage him to do as well as possible academically, and to take advantage of the fantastic opportunities most universities offer to enhance his CV by participating in student activities like journalism, the arts, politics etc. These things will have more influence on his future life than getting in with the right social 'set'.

I think he sounds upset about the teasing and feels he’s missed out. It will pass.

What DrWhy said, it sounds like he wasn't a good fit at his comprehensive and suffered for it. That's not to say the same thing wouldn't happen to kids at private school though.

I had a shit time at a comprehensive and I'm not proud to admit it but it did turn me into a total snob by 16.

Would be interested to know where 50% of students are from private school - HESA suggests it's only Royal Academy of Music, Royal College of Music and the Cortauld Institute.

Even the usual suspects (Oxford, Cambridge, Durham, St Andrews, Imperial, RAU) have 60% plus from state schools (well, Oxford is 58% state school).

Sounds like he's got a huge chip doesn't it?

my ds's go to the local catholic school which is very good indeed. All their friends, Ds1 included are very unappreciative, none of them realise how good they have it. Makes me very sad.

He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest. If he was mine I'd be telling him not to act like a spoilt entitled brat!

I'd just laugh at him. The majority of children in this country go to state schools. He sounds like a young male version of Hyacinth Bucket.

@Geraniumpink

I wonder how unhappy he was at school? Comprehensives can be brutal places sometimes and maybe he resents being put through it at the time.

Replace the word comprehensive with school please. Some of the worst bullying I have seen occurs at private schools. Comprehensives aren't the cesspool of society fgs.

He sounds really spoilt.

There is statistical evidence that students coming from state schools do better than those coming from private schools.

Yes, but private schools seem to help get people in university.

And I kind of get it about the network, but if he did get in a good university, he should be able to make up for that there.

He was never particularly happy and often was ribbed for being geeky and a bit posh.

So he was unhappy at school and bullied - but you and DH just dismissed him? It sounds like he feels he never fitted in and is struggling. Is he depressed?

I will put my cards on the table and say that i resented my parents for the same thing. They sent my brothers to private school but not me because I was a girl and my education was deemed "less important".

I would have just told him that there was no way we could have afforded it without a massive struggle, and that if he is so bothered about it now then he should start saving hard to send any future children of his to private school.

Unless he ends up being a very high earner, I suspect he might just realise when/if he has children of his own that these decisions are not as straightforward as he currently thinks.

My DD1 went to a state grammar school and then to a top RG university. I think the split between private and state sector educated there was maybe 50/50. No problems at all. You learnt who to be friends with and who not to.

My DD3 went to our local comprehensive from year 7 to year 11 and got top grade GCSEs last year. She was top of the school by a long way and is now in the sixth form at the same grammar school that DD1 went to.

DD3 says that whilst things were often difficult (socially) at the comprehensive, she is glad she went there first. She made some great friends there and she says that it opened her eyes to the wider world in a way that she doesn't think her current school would have, even though she loves it there and is a good fit.

I imagine that the same could also be said for private school versus comprehensive - a perspective that your DS should perhaps be encouraged to consider.

We couldn't have afforded private education. Even if we had just stuck at one child, the fees would have crucified us and so it wasn't an option. Like you, we had to make the best of what we had. The combination of the comprehensive and the grammar school is how it has worked for us.

You did what you could and made your decisions based on circumstances at the time. It is possible that your DS did struggle with some bullying at school, but private schools aren't immune from that either. It might be that a bit of counselling could help there.

Perhaps he also needs to be encouraged along the lines of "stop looking backwards, you aren't going there".

Whatever it is, I agree with the pp who has said that a parent's place is in the wrong. Very true. You can't win.

Ooh OP, talk about 'coming from a place of privilege' with your 'average income'. Firstly, you could have afforded private schooling if you had wanted to, if you had felt it was important. I think your DS has done very well at his failing comprehensive but he may have been very unhappy there and felt he didn't fit in - it may have helped him get into his chosen university as the very competitive (Oxbridge) are actively trying to encourage more admissions from state schools.
He may have also felt the odd one out in his family, with his cousins all at private school. This does not necessarily make him 'entitled'. Sadly, there are still advantages in our society from going to the 'right' school or university (or being the right sex or skin colour) because people favour others like themselves. The barriers are not insurmountable but the DS may already be aware that he might have to be 'better'/work harder than someone else, simply because they don't share common experiences.
You can't rewrite history, perhaps as a family acknowledge how favoured you are. Dwelling on what might have been will be the thing that really holds him back.

He just needs to grow up a bit! He will one day understand that by going to a state school, where he did very well, you had money for other experiences such as holidays and a nice home which have benefitted him. 93% of children go to state schools and a large number do extremely well; your son is one of them and should be proud of himself. He will be embarrassed that he ever said this to you one day.

I can understand how your son feels.His whole family all had a private education.Except him...his parents had one child and a huge income..I actually don’t understand why you didn’t send him..I expect a lot of conversation growing up would of been around education.i expect he felt he wasn’t part of that at home..I expect he felt left out in his family.and now not fitting in at uni...I’m probably a lone voice ,but yeah I don’t understand why in your situation you didn’t choose private