I would like to help you, don't be afraid

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I'm unfettered by either knowledge or training. Please step inside my friendly advice clinic staffed with a team of kindly agony aunts.

Grumpy I've just googled NK.Have you got a 'husband'? If so, print out NK's face from the internet and stick it on.

fourquenelles welcome! Will you partake of a pint of Winka?

pooter tell them to fuck off. Knitter I'm not seeing a problem?

The jam is just a deterrent to stop them getting onto my balcony. We send them to be raised by foxes now. Just put them outside with a bin bag of food waste.

Foxes are just red wolves.

It's like squirrels.

Dangly I'd prefer a pint of G&T sipped through a straw as I am fanned by fuck boys winka winka

Knitter, it's only 10pm. The correct packing time is 4am.

What's like squirrels? I like squirrels

Knitter see my reply to Grumpy.

foxes/wolves like red squirrels/grey squirrels

Grumpy because you are the only person on the world who fancies NK he should by rights be all yours so crack on!

for four

Bottoms up!!

welcome fourquenelles. Do leap in with more answers.

Noway it could be that the squirrels are the current childminders of the annoying children caught by thislido in the jam.

I think??

noway I hope your "Fox Mother" child rearing book is coming on well. There are some desperate parents on Mumsnet looking for stern guidance. E.g. how do you enforce a regular bedtime when your children are roaming the neighbourhood killing chickens? Do they need to go to school ever? Do they smell any worse, or is it much the same?

Do you think social services would mind if my children were raised by ferrets? Or ants, possibly?

I never knew it would be such a red tape minefield sending my children out to be raised by wild animals.

Who's going to tell them. Dog? Not us!

I don't know much about ferrets but ants are industrious.

Caroline I fear you have misunderstood the concept. You hand over the children to the foxes. The End.

That's true, about the ants, I'd be instilling them with a good work ethic, wouldn't i? Apparently, that is A Good Thing to have.

Apparently

Squirrels are not suitable childminders Dangly, they're too easily distracted by trees and nuts and things. Pooter thank you for your concern - would you like me to sign and send you a copy of FoxMothers? It's only 2 pages long. Basically, in answer to all your questions - "yes" is the answer, and sometimes, if the question is a bit longer, "yes if you get me gin" will suffice

dog as long as it's not foxes they seem OK. I think maybe there's been the odd mishap with trigger-happy farmers. Ferrets seem to be everybody's friend, and ants are really organised.

My four year old is not only awake and out of bed but sobbing uncontrollably because she will never achieve her career goal of being Queen of England. Whilst I’m quietly proud that she’s inherited my arrogant streak, I just want her to go to sleep so I can get back to my pint of gin. I suggested that she instead aim for the role of Prime Minister, but she has rejected this on the basis that it doesn’t come with free jewels worthy of their own museum.

Can you recommend an alternative career path that might sooth her enough to go the fuck to sleep? Like me, she is shallow, materialistic, power crazed and derives great pleasure from expensive shiny things. My heart bursts with pride.

Indiana tell her that tomorrow she can research being a Megalomaniac. Or a magpie.