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Original poster

Grandad showering with my son

160 replies

hiddenaway · 22/07/2014 21:53

My son is nearly 7 and the past couple of times he has stayed at his grandads house he has had a shower with him. When I ask my son he says he's not allowed in on his own(not 100% sure why. Son says there are things he shouldn't touch). He also says grandad washes him.

Yes I know it sounds really dodgy but I honestly think it's just grandad being 'laddy' with his grandson and having a laugh but you just never know...

I asked my hubby to tell his dad for it not to happen again and use the excuse we wanted our son to be independent and not need help (our son has been showering on his own anyway for about 6mths now and doesn't need help) but yet again we found out the same had happened. Grandad tends to ignore our wishes with everything anyway.

It's such an awkward situation as however we say it its going to sound accusatory. It would also be awkward him never staying over all of a sudden. However I would be devastated if anything came out in years to come and I never stopped it. Hubby is at a loss too. What would you do?

OP posts:

mysticpizza · 23/07/2014 19:09

Having made the mistake of trusting that our dc would be safe with their grandmother husband and having to live with the consequences of said mistake day in day out, I would not advise leaving your child anywhere this man could be alone with him.

His behaviour is wildly inappropriate in the first place. Carrying on with it when he's been asked not to is beyond red flagging.

Your dh is in denial. Most of these monsters look and sound normal, even charming. No-one can believe these people capable of what they've done when it comes to light but the fact is the vast majority of abuse isn't by strangers. It's by friends and family parents thought they could trust.

NorksEnormous · 23/07/2014 19:13

When you say he kind of giggles when you asked him if grandad touched him anywhere else, did he give you an answer? Did your DH shower with his dad when he was a boy?

mysticpizza · 23/07/2014 19:17

And I'd also try and gently question your son again.

Giggling could be innocent but it could also be a sign he's embarrassed and confused.

My dd was a teen when she disclosed but I had to open the questioning after another incident with the evil bastard came to light. I went along the lines of asking if step FIL had ever done anything at all she was uncomfortable with. Basically not leading questions.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

mysticpizza · 23/07/2014 19:21

That should read their grandmother and her husband. I would never have left them with him alone. Not that her presence turned out to be any safeguard

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 23/07/2014 19:25

Trust you instincts. They are screaming at you that something isn't right. Grandparents showering with grandkids isn't automatically a red flag. But your reaction to it, knowing the individual involved is.

SlicedAndDiced · 23/07/2014 19:30

No this is wrong, aren't your instincts screaming at you op?!

I could understand the generational thing of maybe thinking your son needs more help. But granddad could be fully dressed in that case.

Getting in naked with him! When you have asked for it not to happen...for gods sake don't leave you son exposed to possible abuse because your scared of hurting granddads feelings.

This made my skin creep.

watchtower · 23/07/2014 19:34

"I honestly think it's just grandad being 'laddy' with his grandson and having a laugh but you just never know..."

It's not 'laddy', nor is it funny. It's not a traditional male bonding ritual - if he wanted to do something along those lines he'd buy a remote control plane and help him fly it.

This is not sounding normal to me at all.

NickiFury · 23/07/2014 19:38

This thread is making me really angry! Stop pussy footing around and tell him straight out to pack it in. Don't let your kids go there anymore. Fair enough to maybe supervise showering of a 6 year old but to be in their naked WITH him? Outrageous. It's inappropriate even if nothing untoward is going on. I am baffled as to why you seem so paralysed by this and by those on here who think this is ok.

Original poster

hiddenaway · 23/07/2014 19:41

Norks, it's really hard to get a straight answer from him. The first time it happened he said grandad had washed his bits. The second time he said he squirted the shower hose at it. It's really hard though to get a definitive answer out of him and he just giggles making it even harder. I'm worried about making it sound too serious with ds incase he clams up. The first time he also said he had washed grandpa's bits but then backtracked so its not very clear!

Am gonna speak to Dh tonight and see what happened when he was young.

Ps. At work today there was a magazine with a headline "my grandad was a paedo'!! Really hoping it's not a sign!

OP posts:

watchtower · 23/07/2014 19:44

"The first time he also said he had washed grandpa's bits but then backtracked so its not very clear!"

Dear god, this is awful. I'm sorry, but if he's said - even he's then backtracked - I think you need to speak to someone. NSPCC? Police?

I don't know but this is all wrong. ALL WRONG.

I would be in pieces over this. How are you so calm?

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 23/07/2014 19:48

Look at the end of the day, the only person your son has to protect him is you. Forget about making someone uncomfortable, your son needs you. So please stand up for him.

How long is he staying there that he needs a shower? My ds would stay at grand parents and he never bothers with one.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain · 23/07/2014 19:49

Ok cross post. Seriously, is this for real? Do you not see the flags here?

NickiFury · 23/07/2014 19:50

Have you name changed for this OP?

picnicbasketcase · 23/07/2014 19:50

I don't think I'd be immediately phoning police, as your DS hasn't said anything concrete that would suggest that he's disturbed or traumatised by anything that's happened but I certainly wouldn't be leaving them alone together again. It's a horrible situation.

Original poster

hiddenaway · 23/07/2014 19:52

Ps I'm not pussy footing around. It's only just happened and I'm trying to get opinions so I can handle things in the most appropriate way.

Yes it's my son, I know that and I will 100% protect him, but some of us can't just barge head first into a situation with considering the best way of approaching things first. Im not particularly comfortable with confrontation but i will if i have to. I totally appreciate everyone's response and I am going to stop him from staying over until Dh has had words.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 23/07/2014 19:52

jesus, both me and dp have showered or bathed with the children but grandad doing it is inappropriate and what youve said afterwards has alarm bells ringing.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 19:53

he washed grandad's bits ?

what ?

that is a massive drip feed, OP

are you on the level, or what ?

NewtRipley · 23/07/2014 19:55

AF - Grandad washed child's bits. not that it matters

Because

Oh God

This sounds very dodgy.

NewtRipley · 23/07/2014 19:56

sorry. I misread

It all sounds dodgy. I would call the NSPCC for advice OP

Rivercam · 23/07/2014 19:57

As AnyF said, that is SO wrong and inappropriate.

Hope you are okay.

watchtower · 23/07/2014 19:57

What's "only just happened"?

The conversation with DS? The shower?

You've felt so uncomfortable about this situation you've had words - even though you hate confrontation.

Then you've put DS right back into the situation, and it's happened again.

Sorry but you need to get your head out of the sand.

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 20:00

Newt, read OP's recent posts again

The first time he also said he had washed grandpa's bits but then backtracked so its not very clear!

Actually, I hope we are all being stitched up like kippers here. Otherwise, I think we are reading the narrative of how some poor young boy has been abused by a family member whilst the mother of the boy makes daft comments about "peedo" articles in trashy magazines being a "sign"

ffs

ImperialBlether · 23/07/2014 20:02

Just reported this thread.

Interesting that this is your first post on MN, OP.

rockandaghardplace · 23/07/2014 20:02

My kids shower with me or dh every day and they are 6 and 5. They have showered with my mother. It is easier for me to wash dds hair when I am in there with her. It could be innocent. Some people wouldn't think twice about it and would not see it as inappropriate or sexual. If he asked him to wash him though that is strange and can't see how that would ever be ok or explained.

QuickQuickSloe · 23/07/2014 20:03

How can it only just have happened but also happened the last couple of times he has stayed?

Can I check I have understood: A fully grown adult is taking your son who is more than capable of washing himself for a joint shower. He may or may not be washing your son's genitals and may have asked your son to wash his. You have asked him to stop but this has continued?

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