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Original poster

Grandad showering with my son

160 replies

hiddenaway · 22/07/2014 21:53

My son is nearly 7 and the past couple of times he has stayed at his grandads house he has had a shower with him. When I ask my son he says he's not allowed in on his own(not 100% sure why. Son says there are things he shouldn't touch). He also says grandad washes him.

Yes I know it sounds really dodgy but I honestly think it's just grandad being 'laddy' with his grandson and having a laugh but you just never know...

I asked my hubby to tell his dad for it not to happen again and use the excuse we wanted our son to be independent and not need help (our son has been showering on his own anyway for about 6mths now and doesn't need help) but yet again we found out the same had happened. Grandad tends to ignore our wishes with everything anyway.

It's such an awkward situation as however we say it its going to sound accusatory. It would also be awkward him never staying over all of a sudden. However I would be devastated if anything came out in years to come and I never stopped it. Hubby is at a loss too. What would you do?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 21:41

Even if your 6yo is "curious" about willies (and they often are) no adult male should be allowing him to wash and otherwise handle their private parts.

I am not sure you are understanding the seriousness of this.

wotoodoo · 23/07/2014 21:42

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Original poster
hiddenaway · 23/07/2014 21:47

I totally understand the seriousness hence why I'm asking for advice. I have no concrete evidence to say it even happened though other than a 6yr old who finds everything funny and can't decide what's real and what's not. Even without the evidence though, as I keep repeating, my ds will not stay with him until dh has spoken to him and the situation has been clarified one way or another. My son's safety is paramount and comes first. Always.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

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Families
scottishmummy · 23/07/2014 21:47

Right this needs to be said
No unsupervised contact with grandad,both boys.
Call council out if hours team now (google local council social work)
Or gp immediately tomorrow
You cannot simply take an account from the grandad and rely on that.he'll saying nothing is wrong
This is inappropriate,wholly inappropriate
Please report and cooperate fully with services

AnyFucker · 23/07/2014 21:51

So, if grandad denies all wrongdoing, the unsupervised contact with your boys will resume ? Is that what you are saying ?

I see you think you are getting a hard time here, and I am sorry for that because this isn't your fault but you must take this more seriously

FreeLikeABird · 23/07/2014 21:53

This is wrong on sooo many levels Confused
Please keep your children away from this man.

slithytove · 23/07/2014 21:55

No, all unsupervised contact needs to stop. Regardless of what DH says.

This is your child! How can you take the risk.

Showering with a grandchild is on the cusp of what's ok depending on the family.

Washing a 6 year olds genitals is a red flag and necessary.

Getting a 6 year old to wash your own genitals is paedophilia.

Please, please call the NSPCC and get advice.

slithytove · 23/07/2014 21:55

unnecessary!

mysticpizza · 23/07/2014 21:56

Bowing back in.

If your son had disclosed this at school, police at the very least would have been informed by now, possibly SS too.

Speaking to Grandad is useless. He will downplay and/or deny everything.

I know you don't want this to be happening but it has to be addressed. Your son has made serious allegations and outside agencies need to be involved.

whatwoulddexterdo · 23/07/2014 21:58

This thread has made me really angry and I am really hoping it is a wind up.
On what planet would you need to be on to have to check first on an internet forum that this behavior from a grandad was normal?
For fucks sake Op you need to prevent all access to this man immediately, no ifs or buts or I will talk to them. I am really surprised that your so called DH hasn't done something already.
Every child deserves someone on their side looking out for them and I am so sorry that your son hasn't.
Get off the internet and get this sorted.

tethersend · 23/07/2014 21:59

Children giggle when they are nervous. This is not a sign that no abuse has taken place.

Whether or not his grandfather asked him to wash him or not is utterly irrelevant. When a six year old asks to wash your genitals you say no. He didn't.

There is no version of events this man could relate which would make me leave him with a child unsupervised.

Pastperfect · 23/07/2014 22:03

Yes to outside agencies now.

OscarWinningActress · 23/07/2014 22:04

Shock How could you even remotely be confused about this? Beyond inappropriate, no matter what your family comfort levels with nudity Shock.

ICanHearYou · 23/07/2014 22:09

So the facts here are

Son, 6 is showering with grandad

Parents of son ask to stop

Son again showers with grandad

Parents ask son if genitals have been touched

Sons says yes they have, grandad washes him and he washes grandad

and you want to SPEAK to this man again?

What the ACTUAL fuck.

regardless of 'what he says' your SON has 'washed' the GENITALS of an older man and you are going to possibly allow supervision to continue.

Just so you are AWARE of the gravity of this OP, if you allow this man to have access to your children again you are at very real risk of having them removed from your care.

Sort it the fuck out. Jesus

smellyfishead · 23/07/2014 22:11

Christ aliveShock

I agree, what exactly is speaking to the grandfather going to establish? hes not likely to admit to it is he!?!

you need to involve outside agencies because as others have said if this disclosed to another adult and they involve outside agencies its going to look far worse and could well land you both in serious trouble for failing to protect your child, than if you contact them yourself now.

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 22:15

feel sick tbh

AnAirOfHope82 · 23/07/2014 22:24

I would call the police and report this.

The police can tell you if he is on the sor and if there had been any other issues with the grandad.

They are trained in this.

Also is there any othet children in the family?

Castlemilk · 23/07/2014 22:25

If your son's safety is paramount, then he will never be unsupervised with this man again. Never. No matter what your DH says, or what he says, or whether 'the situation gets clarified' - what on earth is that even supposed to mean?

What has been clarified so far is that your FIL a. is behaving inapropriately b. has been asked to stop and has REFUSED - with you confirming that yes, he IGNORES your requests re. your children's care.

There isn't anything to clarify that will make this ok, is there? Because if you say stop, he probably won't. Or worse, will be telling your child to keep this secret in future.

If you have someone who tells you - 'I know you don't want me to do X with your child, but I'm going to anyway' - then no matter what it is, you say 'Well then, you don't have charge of them again, because I say NO YOU WON'T be doing X, and that's what's going to happen.'

And that's just on parenting issues. Not a possible - probable - sexual abuse situation.

Protecting your child here can mean NOTHING LESS than keeping your son away from this man PERMANENTLY.

LiberalLibertines · 23/07/2014 22:26

Op, at the start I thought you were in a difficult situation. But you're not, this is outrageous why aren't you terrified your son had been abused?

Giggling, back tracking, does this not smack of a child that's been told not to tell you about what's happened to him?

I'd be in fucking pieces.

fairgame · 23/07/2014 22:32

You need to speak to social services ASAP. Someone who is trained needs to interview your son and get to the truth of this but I get the feeling you are trying to avoid the truth because it may be unthinkable.

scottishmummy · 23/07/2014 22:37

Op,i understand you feel conflicted,confused,scared whats going on.
You have to have discussions,you are terrified of having,think the unthinkable
For your dh,this is his dad
You're not alone in this,you can report to police and social workers.

You know everyday people say,think id do anything protect my kids.
This is such a moment.it really is

Options
Call out if hours nos - now
Call police - now
Call local council SW tomorrow
Nspcc - now

No unsupervised contact with both boys and granddad

elfycat · 23/07/2014 22:42

I agree with those saying call the police or SW. You must not ask him any more questions as it might make him change his story based on your reactions.

They have trained people who will ask the right questions the right way. If they find nothing then you are back to it being a family boundary problem. If there's something more it will be dealt with appropriately and you will have safeguarded all children that this man may have contact with.

It's as simple as that. I assume you have a phone you can pick up now.

wotoodoo · 23/07/2014 22:43

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GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/07/2014 22:59

My partner wouldn't let his own son touch his genitals while in the bath and he's 18 months and doesn't even know what it is yet but tries to grab it because its there, because he knows boundaries. This man is a paedophile and knows exactly what he's doing.

Cut contact now.

fanjobiscuits · 23/07/2014 23:07

Hang on, hang on. I agree the OP should do as many have advised, but not that they are 'paedo complacent'. OP asked for advice and support on the situation here thatisn't complacent.