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Original poster

Grandad showering with my son

160 replies

hiddenaway · 22/07/2014 21:53

My son is nearly 7 and the past couple of times he has stayed at his grandads house he has had a shower with him. When I ask my son he says he's not allowed in on his own(not 100% sure why. Son says there are things he shouldn't touch). He also says grandad washes him.

Yes I know it sounds really dodgy but I honestly think it's just grandad being 'laddy' with his grandson and having a laugh but you just never know...

I asked my hubby to tell his dad for it not to happen again and use the excuse we wanted our son to be independent and not need help (our son has been showering on his own anyway for about 6mths now and doesn't need help) but yet again we found out the same had happened. Grandad tends to ignore our wishes with everything anyway.

It's such an awkward situation as however we say it its going to sound accusatory. It would also be awkward him never staying over all of a sudden. However I would be devastated if anything came out in years to come and I never stopped it. Hubby is at a loss too. What would you do?

OP posts:
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 22/07/2014 22:37

That's fucking odd, sorry. Put a stop to it now

Have you spoken to your son about it properly?

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 22/07/2014 22:38

Can't believe some think its ok...scary

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 22:39

anybody that sees an over reaction here, go read the countless threads about how trusted family members have abused young children and the awful legacy it leaves

there is no reason for it so it should not happen

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
GirlWithTheLionHeart · 22/07/2014 22:44

Not worth the risk at all. Would ruin a child's life just so an adult doesn't get offended. Fuck that

BitchPeas · 22/07/2014 22:45

Please do not let your DS anywhere near this man again.

He is naked, with a 6 year old, in the shower, and washing him. There is no need for that, no need at all.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/07/2014 22:52

I would stop overnights with immediate effect.

if asked why "because I ask you not to do certain things with or for my son and you are continuing. I can only leave him with people I trust to respect my requests you fuckig pervert "

mamalovesmojitos · 22/07/2014 22:57

Op, I really feel for you, I know he is your family. But this is so so wrong. I am not hysterical at all, but I would not let my son have any unsupervised contact in this situation. Sad but true.

ClashCityRocker · 22/07/2014 23:00

It is possibly perfectly innocent, but why take the risk?

As it is, it's borderline dodgy and I think it sends very mixed messages about your son's personal space, particularly with regards to washing him. Perhaps you could approach it from that angle?

Either way, you do need to say something. Perhaps showing him the NSPCC 'pants' guidance and tell him it applies to him too, as your son needs to know there are no exceptions?

GalaxyInMyPants · 22/07/2014 23:01

Id rather overreact and keep my son safe than not do enough.

I wouldn't care what the FIL thinks. He was given a chance and he blew it.

Are you sure that's all that's happened? Your ds isn't trying to tell you anything else?

ravenAK · 22/07/2014 23:09

If you want to be polite about putting a stop to it, cite Elf & Safety.

My 6yo dd recently joined me in the shower, slipped, grabbed me, & we both blundered about flailing then went down with an almighty crash - she could have been hurt if I'd landed on her heavily. Two people in a confined space, with a slippery floor & a considerable size differential = not a great idea!

Agree with everyone else that it's borderline dodgy & YANBU to put a stop to it.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/07/2014 23:18

Hidden how does your DH feel about it?

For me, I'd go with my gut instinct. If I felt uncomfortable (and I would) then I would say no.

As others have said, he could sit on the toilet or potter in the bedroom to keep within listening distance of a fall.

I don't think 6 is a young age to shower alone, and if the shower is dodgy (runs too cold or too hot for example) then you either run a bath or just have a sink wash, assuming he's there for a couple of days. If its slipper then just buy a non slip bathmat.

peggyundercrackers · 22/07/2014 23:20

I think it's sad that people think the worst and are speaking about it being a red flag etc. are people really that suspicious about family members? I think when it comes to these kinds of questions you will never get a balanced view on MN.

TheFirmament · 22/07/2014 23:24

Peggy family members are responsible for a huge amount of sexual abuse. Suppressing your doubts about someone simply because they are a family member is dangerous and ignorant.

That isn't an unbalanced view, it's a factual view.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 23:28

This is not an appropriate thread for the MN Malcontents to slope in and stick the boot in. Start your own thread about how much MN posters piss you off, Peggy, it is jarring here.

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/07/2014 07:05

Peggy - get lost. What does a grandad need to shower naked with a grandson for? Even if my dad suggested it (which he wouldn't) I would tell him to do one

GirlWithTheLionHeart · 23/07/2014 07:05

Sexually abuse to children is usually done by family members. Ignoramus.

GertieFinkle · 23/07/2014 07:10

I'm trying to imagine any of my children's grandparents suggesting this. There is no way any of them would EVER. Really, really odd behaviour IMO. I would not leave DS on his own with Grandad any more.

Rivercam · 23/07/2014 07:10

What are the things you say your son is not allowed to touch? Breakable stuff in the bathroom?

peggyundercrackers · 23/07/2014 13:32

the firmament I know that a huge amount of sexual abuse is carried out by family members but there is no evidence of it in this case - the child hasn't said anything inappropriate has happened but everyone is jumping to conclusions.

TheFirmament · 23/07/2014 13:44

At 6, it's not for the child to decide what's appropriate, or even to know in many cases. That's why we have an age of consent - you can't decide until you're 16. It's for other adults to look out for warning signs and this is one. As I said, it's not jumping to conclusions, it's being worried about behaviour that could suggest something dodgy and that could is what the OP must act on.

And it's already clear that the OP absolutely did not jump to conclusions. First, she asked him to stop and he didn't. That's worrying.

If child abuse always presented as clear-cut and black and white, well, things would be a lot simpler wouldn't they. But it's not like that. Abusers will gradually test the water, they will start by acclimatising a child to a low level of inappropriate behaviour then slowly step it up. That's how grooming works. It brainwashes the child so they think what is happening is OK or that they are consenting.

Now I'm not saying this is grooming or abuse because we can't know. But it does show some worrying signs and I'm afraid that's all OP has to go on.

Also, if nothing else, this has to stop because even if it's innocent in intent, granddad is teaching 6yo this is appropriate, when it's not - thereby making him more vulnerable to other abusers. Everyone in a child's life should be helping them understand things like the underwear rule and this is working against that.

GinGinGin · 23/07/2014 13:45

Whilst I don't agree with the whole "there's a paedophile around every corner", I do think that the OP's post is definitely something to be wary of.

Waiting until a child says there's something wrong is too late; I agree with a pp that he is probably grooming your son. And for anyone who says I'm being ridiculous, one of my family members sexually abused one of my close relatives throughout her childhood and she never complained - it had started when she was so young that she just thought it was normal.

Op do not let your son stay over at his grandfather's and, if you chose not to sever contact, ensure he is never left alone with him.

Poledra · 23/07/2014 13:45

When my ILs come to stay, they often come upstairs to help with bathtime. FIL is great at kneeling by the side of the bath playing games with the DCs, and they love having him there. However, the last time they came, I quietly mentioned to FIL that 10-yo DD1 was no longer comfortable with other people in the bathroom and preferred to be on her own or just me. FIL's response was 'OK, does she still want me to read to her?'

That is the response I would look for when you ask another adult to respect your/your child's choices in the matter. He said nothing to DD to embarrass her, checked out with me if he could still do another thing he enjoys doing for his grandchildren and left it at that. I am bothered by the fact your FIL does not listen to you and your DH and would not let my child stay over with him till I was sure the FIL would respect my wishes.

fortheloveofmike · 23/07/2014 13:57

As a one off it wouldn't bother me really.. But its everytime and after you've said not too..
I would not be happy

Original poster
hiddenaway · 23/07/2014 18:50

In answer to a couple of questions, I have spoken to my ds and he kind of giggles when I ask if grandad has touched anywhere he shouldn't (not sure if giggling is a good sign or not but you know how boys find men bits funny). The strange thing is his slightly older brother (8) who is probably less capable than my other ds (6) was allowed in on his own.

Dh is naturally not pleased by what has happened either but like me I don't think he thinks his father could be capable (or just this totally stupid) to be doing such a thing.

I was going to err on the side of caution anyway but now with the overwhelming response that it sounds wrong, he most definitely won't be staying over until the issue is addressed. Thanks all again. I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting.

OP posts: