I don’t get overwhelmed with life!? AMA…

[username68]

I have name changed for this. But I read a lot on here about lots of people being overwhelmed with life (which I’m not disputing that they do feel that way) and its demands in general. I just don’t feel this, I never really have tbh. Don’t know why this is so thought I’d do an AMA to see if there’s something about me that lends to this? Don’t know if that makes sense but anyway. So here I am AMA…

Maybe youf life isn't overwhelming. But some folk do get overwhelmed by trivial things and others seem go cope with fairry major setbacks.

I don’t think it’s more busy than anybody else’s it’s probably not. I don’t think it’s a majorly less busy though. Spend most of my evenings ferrying dc from one activity to the other 🤣🤣

I think that’s the point. Some people with the same privileges as the OP and more endlessly complain about the “mental load”. On one thread I saw someone describe unloading the dishwasher as a task on the to do list for that day when talking about how much they do around the house, which to me is utterly ridiculous - it’s like saying drawing the curtains or feeding the cat are “tasks” on the to do list. They’re just ordinary things one has to do as part of existing?! Keeping tabs on who does these things and feeling hard done by that you do them more than 50% of the time is absurd.

I think it boils down to mindset: some people have a victim complex more than others.

I think it’s a personality thing, I wouldn’t say I get overwhelmed with life either. I’ve gone between working full time with very young kids to now hardly working due to a one toddler DC having intense medical needs.
I think I’m just a take it in your stride sort of person.
The idea that you must have a super easy life simply because you aren’t overly anxious or overwhelmed is rubbish.

The fact you had, needed and benefited from therapy at one point would show that at some point you did need extra support. That could be considered being ‘overwhelmed by life’ or needing help to function and recover. I personally think you are having a perspective issue. You lump everyone else who is struggling into an ‘overwhelmed with life’ personality bucket, while considering your hard times to be unique blips that you handled and moved on from. Most people do that but if they are occurring regularly and it can take months or years to process each one, it’s understandable by someone with more stresses than you could be swamped by them, just as you would have been if things had gone a different way in your life.

I think you have a point to a certain extent, in that people deal with stress, emotions and overwhelm differently.

That said, you have have articulated it very poorly & also don't acknowledge that your finances and support play a huge part in that.

I don't get anxious or overwhelmed either but it's very clear to me that I've far less stresses in life with many people & that's one hell of a fortunate position.

You can't even being to compare your situation to that of many others.

I'm pretty resilent but a hugh amount of that is due to how I was raised. Massively so & I was was in my 20s before I realised just how good a job my parents had done.

I was raised by what I can only describe as parents who made sure I always felt, safe, secure, loved, appreciated etc. Always shown the upside of everything. There was no fear but there were boundaries.

Most things were never bad enough that they wouldn't be fixed. Things were broken down into well if can't can you X what's the next best alternative and plan to that.
We were thought how to adapt from a very early age. How to deal with disappointment, worry, fear, jealousy, sadness etc.

We thought how death and illness are always going to happen but I remember even at a young age...to think about all the positives, all the good memories where far better than never having that person in your life at all etc.

Commmunication was strong in our house. Expressing emotions was common place.
Finding ways to deal with them was paramount.
Unwind the emotions, discover what's causing them, and plan for improving things.

That's why I'm resilence. I was taught how to be from a very young age.
It's a massive privilage to have been raised in a way that makes coping with things easy. Not everyone is that lucky & I'm surprised you don't realise that.

And some get overwhelmed by major setbacks?

Well I’ve always been very capable. Have dealt with/lived through some terrible things - loss of twins in late pregnancy, lost my eldest son to cancer. Helped my mum through the last year of her life relatively close to losing my son, then my dad with dementia shortly after that. I’ve coped, worked hard, tried to keep everything together. People have always said I’m so strong, they couldn’t do what I’ve done etc etc. 12 years on and I’m now falling apart over something comparatively less than what I’ve already dealt with. I now feel so overwhelmed I can’t see a way through it in my usual calm strong way.

having always been able to cope, not be overwhelmed it’s shocking to me that this is the thing that is pushing me to a true state of panic, anxiety, exhaustion.

you cope. Until the day when you just can’t.

Can I give you a current example of why I’m feeling overwhelmed and whether you would be overwhelmed too.
My life is currently pretty stress free tbf.

But I have an amazing job opportunity but need to travel for the interview.
My car has now broken down and public transport is not good where I am so theres no way I can get there. I have asked for online or to move it but can’t.
I do have the option of staying overnight but that’s costs with Xmas soon I can’t afford it.

My DC also has an important college exam but can’t get there if I stay overnight.
My mum has psychosis and cannot help and neither can anyone else.

I am having to get public transport to work until my car is fixed meaning my days are 4 hours longer.

At the end of the day I am mentally exhausted from work (emotionally challenging job) and once I’ve cooked, cleaned and got everything ready for the morning I can’t think about anything else on top of everything my DCs need.

My weekend has been full of caring for my mum, doing her shopping etc as well as my DC and all of the normal chores.
My xmas budget has massively reduced because of my car bill and so I’m currently trying to find presents online that I can pay monthly instead.

So yes I am feeling slightly overwhelmed and can you not see how if I had an extra £100k income, a partner or supportive family - how literally none of these problems would exist.
You have both money and support meaning any issues that do come up can be handled almost immediately and without stress.

If your car broke down it wouldn’t affect you getting to work.
You may even have more than 1 car or can borrow 1.
It wouldn’t affect your Xmas budget.
You could afford to get it repaired quickly.
If you had the opportunity for a better job, you could easily interview for it without worrying about travel or who looks after the DC.

You don’t get overwhelmed because you have the means to solve things easily.

This is actually a really interesting thread. I think there are so many layers and factors that influence how easily someone gets overwhelmed, though.
For instance, if you have a well-paying job and a degree of financial security, as you mention in your case, I imagine that makes a difference. That's not to say you won't have other stresses, but it's a very different experience from someone who is constantly worrying about money, trying to make ends meet and feeling like there's very little room for things to go wrong. Financial security gives you a certain cushion that not everyone has.
I also think childhood experiences play a huge role in how we respond to stress as adults. Something I've only really started reflecting on in my 30s is my own relationship with my mum. She's a good mum in many ways. We always had food on the table, clothes on our backs and our basic needs were taken care of. But emotionally, she was never particularly responsive.

There wasn't much validation, affection or space for deeper conversations. I couldn't really go to her with the more complicated feelings or things I was struggling with.
Interestingly, she's also someone who complains quite a lot, despite having many of the things you'd expect someone at her stage of life to be grateful for. They're not wealthy by any means, but I've noticed that having more never necessarily seems to translate into feeling content.

It has made me wonder how much of my own anxiety, self-doubt and tendency to expect the worst stems from those early experiences. Perhaps when you don't grow up feeling emotionally validated or secure, you learn to second-guess yourself, anticipate problems and struggle to feel that everything is going to be okay. My dad did try in that regard, but I think these things are complex.
I also think there's another side to this. Some people genuinely believe they're naturally very calm and that life doesn't overwhelm them, until they're faced with something particularly difficult or a combination of circumstances they haven't experienced before. Sometimes we don't know how we'll respond until life really tests us.
I suppose my point is that there are so many variables. Temperament is one thing, but circumstances, financial security, childhood conditioning, emotional resilience and the support you have around you all play a part. I find it difficult to separate one from the other.

having recently started therapy I can agree with this statement. People I know who are not struggling with MH etc definitely had a better childhood than me and others I know that are similar to me. whether it’s just coincidence or not I couldn’t say 🤔🤔🤔

I am one of life’s coper’s too, OP. I didn’t have a perfect childhood and I don’t have an easy job now (I work in a war zone 9 months a year, long hours in a city that has drone and missile attacks, 18 hour a day power cuts, regular water and sewage failures etc).

I have a few personality traits that I think help. I’m not saying they are good things (they can drive my loved ones bonkers) but I think they are protective in a crisis. Specifically, I have a terrible attention span and I am in a daydream half the time, although I can hyper focus if needed in a crisis. I am very regulated emotionally - don’t do massive highs or lows. I also don’t hang on to feelings - if my neighbourhood gets bombed overnight I’ve moved on in the morning. I am definitely a ‘don’t cry over spilt milk’ person, so I’m not the person to come to for sympathy. I will go out of my way to offer practical help though.

Does any of this resonate?

I get overwhelmed by life, in the past two weeks i have had bad news about my health, having lots of tests, a close relative has had a serous op, my heating has packed in, i caught a virus which laid me low. I had 5 bereavements last year which included two deaths by suicide and the shocking and sudden death of a young family member. I live alone and I am my back up plan, if i don't do it does not get done. My heating breaking feels like the last straw, it has reduced me to tears. Any advice OP? I feel weak and pathetic for not being able to cope but i feel that i never catch a break.

Not necessarily. She may be an optimist or just very well organised.

I am so sorry. Call a heating engineer - actually ask round and get some recommendations. Meanwhile, auxiliary heating - fan heaters etc and electric throws, hot drinks and hot meals, go out to somewhere warm if you can e.g. library etc. I don't think one ever gets over a death by suicide and it changes one, not necessarily for the better or worse, just different. It is eight years since a very close relative died thus and I know I have never recovered. My late DH noted this (I have also had two loved ones die) and was sad about it, which makes me sad now.💐

Me too.

That’s awful I’m sorry to hear that 💐

But I think your point of never being able yo catch a break is so important.

Because OP is in such a privileged position, she doesn’t have the constant little worries that others do.
So when something big happens, she has the mental energy (and the means) to deal with it.

When you are constantly fighting small battles, then of course you’re going to feel overwhelmed even by smaller things, because it’s another thing to worry about.

It’s like when Kim Kardashian moans about her law exam but then says she had 4 nannies, a chef, a driver, a cleaner, a PA and a huge support network - yes her life is busy and chaotic but she can cope because she’s got money and support behind her and she doesn’t have those smaller worries that the many do.

I sort of understand where you're coming from OP. You sound very resilient and practical. Of course, some people have a tough time of it, and life can definitely feel overwhelming. However here on Mumsnet, I really dislike phrases like 'mental load' and 'in the trenches', which sound really OTT.

@username68 im the same, im 46, been through a lot of hard times, divorce, illnesses, deaths in the family etc, but ive never felt overwhelmed by life. i just always feel that what will be will be and i just dont worry about stuff i have no control over. ive always been that way. one of my daughter's gets really anxious and while i feel for her, i dont understand and cant relate.

Things that have made me overwhelmed in the past.
Caring for seriously ill sibling whilst managing full time work.
Househunting whilst managing life with young kids. Having to move twice within a year (temporary accommodation) before getting to the house. Lots of tantrums from toddler adjusting.
Giving birth overnight and coming home next day with no sleep to incredibly jealous toddler who cried for about 6 weeks straight.
Bulling issues with eldest at school.
House repairs, something always falling apart with small kids and not much spare cash. No hot water in the taps was a killer with a baby.
Mice in two properties I lived at with a small child whilst renting.
Worrying about losing long-term ill family member. This seems to never allow the rest of the family to be completely free of anxiety and overshadows any happy occasion.

Being a perfectionist. If something isn’t perfect I can’t just leave it for tomorrow. This is something which will always leave me overwhelmed.

It's really bloody rare.

If heaven forbid your child died or your partner died or your child was in.hospital for 10 months or you lost both your parents together or you got cancer or a fire destroyed your home or both you and your partner both lost your jobs you would feel overwhelmed .,you sound like you are gloating .,,unfortunately life happens and at some point it will happen to you,..

Five bereavements in a year is an awful lot to carry @Lifeomars 😔
Add worrying health news, being laid low etc and I can see why the heating going tipped you over the edge. You’re dealing with all of that while being the person who has to get everything sorted. Of course it a lot!
I’d attack it like this maybe…
What would make tonight easier, and what has to happen tomorrow? For tonight, I’d focus on getting warm, having something easy to eat and resting. If there’s someone you’d feel comfortable asking, you could text, “My heating’s packed in and I’ve had a rough couple of weeks. Any chance I could come over for a cuppa and a warm up?” If there’s a repair call to make, I’d make that the one job for tomorrow alongside anything else time sensitive for your tests etc. The ordinary jobs can wait.
And if you do reach out to someone, you could ask for something small and specific. “Do you know a heating engineer who’ll come out?” or “Could you ring me later? I could do with a chat.” The heating needs fixing, and you’ve had a genuinely painful year. Both deserve attention, but they don’t have to be dealt with on the same day. A warm evening and one less thing to sort would be plenty for now. ❤️❤️ I hope it gets sorted soon.

So a really flexible and supportive workplace then

Impossible to understand why you're so chill. All those people in pressured, insecure and low paid work are just moaners.

This thread is really annoying. I also have flexible work. I recognise what a difference it makes.

Maybe op enjoyed that JL Christmas ad