I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

I don’t need my husband to die to know that it would be disrespectful for me to start shagging his best friend 6 months later then move him in, marry him and refer to him as a second father to our children.

There’s a difference between acknowledging someone else’s perspective but not agreeing with it, and not being able to comprehend someone else’s perspective at all.

You think you know how you’d feel and I hope you’re never in the position to find out how it is in reality.

Losing your spouse changes you in ways that you can’t begin to comprehend. You will, of course, be adamant that your view would never change. All I can say is that the feelings and perspective that widowhood brings are nothing like I expected them to be.

Have you been the child who has lost a parent far too young and had to listen to adults around you telling you it’s ok for your dad to move on and start dating, less than a year after you went through the worst thing possible? You want to be happy for your remaining parent, you want life to be ok again, but it can cast a long shadow and if you aren’t allowed to have negative feelings about it then it can break up your remaining family. Until you have walked in the shoes of a young bereaved child then you have no idea what you are talking about.

Apologies for this next sentence - spouses can be replaced, loving mums can’t.

My wife's best friend and I get along fine but she can't understand what my wife sees in me as I am not the most exciting person on the planet

Think railway enthusiast vegetable grower and historic ship enthusiast

When I said that if my wife died she would have to marry me to save our children the look of horror on her face was a sight to behold

I don’t understand why more posters aren’t taking in what has been said here.

I have a friend who was the husband in the same scenario. He was left to raise 3 daughters after his wife sadly passed away and later married one of her good friends. She has been such an amazing mother figure to the children who are all grown up now and they are such well rounded young adults given the trauma of losing a mother as a child. And she never tried to replace their mum. I was surprised at first but it all worked out really well.

And that’s fantastic - as long as they have been given the space and permission to work through any negative thoughts/flashes of anger which is only natural when your surviving parent has moved on within months.
It’s very hard knowing another woman is in your mum and dads bed that you used to jump in, using the saucepans your mum used to use, rearranging things however small - all seems very petty to some but when you are young and grieving and within months of your mum no longer being here there is someone else’s toothbrush in your bathroom.

Sorry but this changes things massivley.

She hadn't been dead for SIX MONTHS and you started shagging each other?

My darling best friend died 2 years ago and I could never ever ever envisage a situation where I could do this.

Six months. Christ.

Exactly.

And, as is the case with my wonderful best friend we lost to a brain tumour 2 years ago, there was also the added trauma of watching her die before our eyes for 3 months, every day losing her bit by bit, until there was no more of her left and she died. Even then, when we all knew it was coming, it is still a shock. Nothing can ever truly prepare you and unlike in the case of a sudden death you have the utter horror of watching them slowly die before your eyes.

6 months after that they were shagging.

Christ.