I married my late best friend's husband It wasn't planned or expected, AMA

[Elenarodriguez]

I know the title probably sounds wild, so I'll try to explain

My husband and I have actually known each other since high school. He was married to my best friend, who was also my childhood friend. The three of us had known each other for years, and she and I were incredibly close. Our families were close too, and I was basically an aunt to her kids

I got divorced about 10 years ago and have two kids. My husband had three kids with my best friend.

About six years ago, she passed away after a long illness. During the last part of her illness, I spent a lot of time with her and helping take care of the kids. After she passed, I stayed very close to her children and continued being there for them, just like I always had been

A few years later, my husband and I started developing feelings for each other. It wasn't something we planned or expected, and honest it was incredibly complicated emotionally........We dated for a few years before eventually deciding to get married

We've now been married for a while, and surprisingly, it's actually a really good marriage. Our kids are part of our family, and we've tried to handle everything with as much love and respect as possible

I still miss my best friend. I don't think marrying her husband somehow replaces her or changes what she meant to me. She will always be part of my life and the history of our family

I know some people will think what we did was wrong, while others may understand it

So... AMA

Why did you mention that she'd been ill for 3 years as a justification as to why it was fine for him to shag you just six months later? How is that relevant unless you're implying that he'd stopped loving her as a wife and already set his sights on you before she was even dead?

If that's not the case, I think personally it sounds like he formed a trauma bond with you, and you were already there doing all the 'wifely' support, so it made sense for him to take the easy route and shag the woman who was on his doorstep instead of going out to find another.

Which doesn't mean you won't have a long and happy marriage, it's just a bit distasteful somehow. It's certainly very different to the "a couple of years later" you said in your OP. "A couple of years later" to me implies that you went on with your lives, having disentangled post-death, and then having healed and processed your individual grief somewhat, discovered a new spark between you. To go straight from grieving, with you supporting him, to shagging 6 months later, feels very much like a "you were just there and available when he was vulnerable and lonely" in a way that's uncomfortable.

It sounds as if there was some kind of hysterical bonding going on when you first slept with each other and your feelings just grew from there to what it is today. It’s by no means a conventional set up but as someone who married into a culture where a man will marry his brothers widow in order to look after his brothers family, and where people will marry into situations in order to make good of a sad or difficult situation I wish you and yours all the best in the world going forward.

Having a physical relationship for a year before you started 'dating?' What does that mean? It makes it sound more acceptable to the wider family to say you started dating 18 months afterwards but you can't conveniently forget about the year of sex beforehand 🤔

Well, hoik up your ample bosom, cross your cardi-clad arms and purse your thin lips into a cats arse . Mind you don't fall off the very top of the moral high ground you're straddling.

"Thrift, thrift, Horatio! The funeral baked meats
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables."

Funny how the women usually dont, just the men

I think you are getting a hard time op. There's nothing wrong with your timelines if you both wanted it. Grief is a funny thing and I am sure you are a great comfort to each other.

I don’t think it’s very high ground to say I’d not shag my best friends husband within six months of her death. I understand you do; but no, for me, it’s distasteful.

Crikey 6 months after. Married within 2 years of thieir mother dying that is way too quick for those children. Why did you rush into that? They would very much still be grieving after 2 years and they have another mother to replace her. I know you say they are happy but I can't imagine it. My FIL got with a new women a few months after and my sis is angry about it and she's a grown adult who doesn't even have to see her let alone live with her. It's so different being an aunt and helping out but getting into bed with your 'besties' husband. I think you have put your feelings above the childrens. When children are young everything needs to be taken very slowly.

Yes it's amazing! But true, men and women see and feel things differently.

Why funny? Men move on faster -and so?

Because marriage is a better deal for men. He had three kids under the age of 10, of course he was almost immediately in the market for a second wife/mother.

I think thr difference here is they didn’t tell anyone for 18 months , so she was in there playing mum and supporting them and acting as just a friend . Whilst shagging rhe dad, then when they felt it was a respectable time said they were dating.

so the op knows full well what this looks like. It’s why she tried to downplay it when she started fhe thread and they hid it till 18 months had passed.

rhe man had 3 young kids and was a widower. And she was in there being the other mum immediately.

the kids will be fine with it as they don’t know how quickly she started shagging him

Not a question, but just to say I think your story is lovely. If I had to die young, I think I'd quite like the idea of my husband marrying my best friend and that she would be the one to help take care of my kids. Good luck to you all :)

This is so cringey! 😬

I think it's fair to say that one doesn't need to be on a particularly high horse not to shag one's best friend's husband before cold in the grave.

Same!

Cringey, I agree.
It sounds like someone is trying to be the cool girl by putting someone elses opinion down....it hasn't worked.😏

How long exactly does it take for a body to cool down before someone is allowed to have a physical relationship with the deceased's partner? Have you decided on the optimum time frame that everyone else must follow? I don't remember receiving that memo.

Why do you feel the need to make a thread about it?

"How long exactly does it take for a body to cool down before someone is allowed to have a physical relationship with the deceased's partner?"

Bloody hell, what a horrible thing to say.

Now I know what AMA means...😊

One question, why did you lie about the timeline in your OP?

Shagging my best friends husband would feel almost incestuous to me - akin to shagging my bil. But if you are all happy then it’s nobody else’s business

I don't know.

Here's a question for you - how old do you have to be before you stop making fatphobic, misogynistic, 'cool girl' stereotypes about women whose opinions differ from yours?

@MaggiesShadow raised the point. Lots of other posters also seem to imply there's a time limit so I'm just wondering when it's permissible to move in on the bereaved.

I'll never grow out of it.